Author Topic: Mindfulness  (Read 4314 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #195 on: July 14, 2019, 02:39:37 AM »
Another appointment with Therapist D.  She's putting pieces together... familiar pieces... moved around, presented in different ways, at different times.  She explains WHY things work, after she presents them, and she's so happy about the WHY.  It worked for her, and she wants to share her freedom, her expanded interior space, her restoration of choice, and happiness.

It's a lovely way to SEE how to put radical acceptance, mindfulness, and somatic attention INTO practice for myself, when I need it most.  When I need it most my limbic system is in charge, and denying access to higher brain thinking.  Trying to think my way through seems logical, but it's impossible...
until...
I put my finger on my nose, breath into the bottom of the vase at the bottom of my diaphram, then fill
that
vase. 

Slowly....
then release the air...
slowly, and tune into what I feel inside...
put my hand on it.....
 name it, and search for the feeling under it. 

Or not.

It's the breathing into it.... breathing space into that tightness....
providing expanding space around it....
paying attention to the space beside me, above me, below me, and occupying it.... bringing it inside.

And then I notice the tightness in my chest and abdomen eases up.  The strangling feelings in my throat soften and receed.  Space is around and in that area, and it's so
much
better.

I have to remember to put the stories on the shelf, and breath self compassion into that space.  There's no room for stories here.... just being here.... being home.... now.

Today I practice what I want for my tomorrow. 

If I want anxiety, and sadness, I practice those things today.

If I want relief, spaciousness, and a functional life....

I breath,  pay attention to my inner world, embrace it all, good, bad and ugly, and name it. 

Invite it in, which is familiar, and helpful in the past, but NOW I understand why, and where it's leading.  It's the next step to overcoming the fight or flight shut down, spiral, static, chaos.... and shifting OUT of it.

Understandig the shift.  Understanding things will get better,  and I have control over it is really helpful.

Understanding lasting change can happen in between 1 to 2 months... helps.

I don't have to start over again and again and again.  I can build on what I've got, and wire new pathways forever.  They'll be mine, and it's like a rock's been moved from a tiny stream.  The trickle CAN get through, but I can't let the rock roll back into it's comfortable place. 

The PAT..... again.... Postive Affect Tolerance.  There's a default setting of vigilance, and anxiety that has to be identified, embraced, and soothed, until I replace it.... until I can cultivate default settings I'm happy with.

Maybe some stories are true, and that's the case for me.  I'm not in a war zone, but I'll be dealing with sabotage, and legal heinous fuvckery for many years to come, as will my children, and then there's the misogyny, and people in positions of power preying on those with no power. 

And I hear about it when I turn on the tv, or radio.  I react, when I want to respond.  I'll be more capable IF I can calm the chaos, put down the story, and deal with what's in front of me right now.

That might not make sense, but it makes sense to me right now: )

Lighter

(((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))  It's like being parented again, don't you think?  It's interesting to me that we need to be parented in different ways at different times in our lives.  This kind of therapy seems/feels to me like someone re-parenting you by teaching you how to reset your pathways back to neutral - kind of like re-setting the computer to factory settings once it's got in such a muddle no-one can untangle the pieces anymore and work out what to do.  Wipe, and start again.  I'm so glad she's working with you like this; I think having a practical skill to use in a (hypothetical?) situation is so useful.  And I only put hypothetical in brackets because by that I mean that we are often in a state of fear even though the bare bones of the situation in front of us doesn't warrant it.  But you're right, it lights up those old fires and we go into fight or flight straight away.  And we can't flee, because we've got our kids to look after, and the dinner needs cooking, and there is moss to attend to!  Lol.  And we can't really fight either, because there isn't actually anything there to fight.  And so where does all that fear and emotion go?  I'm so glad you've got someone there that is teaching you to manage it, and also validating it.  I understand when people say, "the fear isn't real, there's nothing there to be afraid of".  I get that, and my logical mind gets that, but the deeper part inside of me doesn't hear that at all.  It's irrelevant to that bit, and that's the bit that's in charge in those situations, in my experience.  So to have someone who understands that and is able to teach you a way to silently calm the part that's frightened - wow.  Excellent parenting all round!  Lol.  I'm really glad she's doing this with you, and is this the person that happens to be very close by or was that a different doctor?  I have got myself a bit confused and muddled some threads in my mind, I think.

Postive Affect Tolerance.  Yep, I can get that.  Feeling comfortable, secure, warm, looked after - doesn't feel normal.  So odd that we get to a point where being uncomfortable is our default setting and not feeling that way feels wrong.  I was talking to someone a little while ago who finally got some relief from a very painful problem she'd been dealing with.  She said she actually got a bit low afterwards, because she'd got so used to being in pain and dealing with that that suddenly not having the pain left her a bit adrift and all these emotions came out that she hadn't realised where in there, because the focus on her pain had blocked everything else.  We have to survive, don't we, whichever way we can, and sometimes cleaning up the mess afterwards is as much work as the original problem was.  I'm really glad you have this person in your life now to help you with it and I am looking forward to reading the next update :) xx xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #196 on: July 14, 2019, 02:42:54 PM »
Tupp:
Since the last T visit I've noticed less stress running in the background.  Less dread, and resistance.  I don't know if there was a shift, or if more understanding pushed out some of the reactiveness.  I don't worry about it.

 I'm grateful, and it's opening up space for new ways of being in the world.  Just noticing new creative thoughts is thrilling for me, and puts a hard underline beneath the resistance I let BE in the T"s office.  I saw her face register it, and she backed off and found another way around it, and helped me.....
She helped me breathe space around it, and it appears that space was permanent, or at least lasting.

I think that was a big moment for me.  This T is diwntown, 15 minutes away, and I got her name from the Neuro nurse practitioner, even though she had no availability, I called.  It took some waiting but I snapped up a cancellation, and went in sans judgements, very weepy, and ready to untie the knots. I kinda wish I could just throw myself on the floor and sob, but I'm so used to holding it in....very difficult.

Interestingly, I felt a good deal of poking to the left of my belly button as the breathe work went on.  I think I've been holding energy there my entire life.

I also think that finding the zone, being present, is something that is less cultivation, and more flipping the switch.  We practice different techniques, but we're really trying to change default settings and processes in our brains and bodies, as you said.  That makes sense, and is such a relief to know a switch can be flipped permanently, and built on. 

If we struggle to flip it, and manage sporadically, getting switched back again and again, which can become a pattern too, it's demoralizing, and exhausting.....easy to judge ourselves harshly, which doesn't help.  That takes up so much energy!

I know I carry more space inside myself now.  I feel knots gone, not just unraveled, which is a surprise, and relief.  I feel better.  I want more.  For all of us: )
Lighter

 

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #197 on: July 16, 2019, 09:35:55 AM »
I'm so happy to hear this, ((((Lighter))), so very glad for you.
You are doing wonderful, productive healing!

And:
Quote
easy to judge ourselves harshly, which doesn't help.

This is one of the truest answers you've found. It's not gymnastics or martial arts you're doing, where perfect performance and perfect form are goals, necessities.

What you're doing is full of gracious space, ultimate forgiveness, charity toward the self, leaps of trust (wow, you are doing it with this T and therefore with yourself).

There is NO skill that will move you forward as much as compassion will, for yourself and felt sincerely.

I am thrilled by the direction you're turning toward.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."