Relationship/s

[Twoapenny]

Well, dang.
All is well but I spent the night in the hospital incapable of coherent speech, feeling very strange, plus puking. Ugh. It was scary, but I had friends plus M. rally  -- come here to feed and walk pooch, sit with me in the ER, etc. And M blew me away, and a lot of my resistance melted. He simply stubbornly stayed with me and wouldn't budge, half the night and half the next day (when he wasn't sorting out Pooch).

I slipped deeper in love again because he was so genuine. A close girlfriend said later, "I know he can be a knowitall but boy, what a heart." And she never says stuff like that about people.

It was most likely a TIA (transient ischemic attack) and I have a little white dot in my brain and new meds to take. But I wound up with one of the best neurologists in the country and he said, "Yes, go to Paris anyway."

So we are--tomorrow! I feel okay and am very happy about the trip. The silver lining was the revelation of what it felt like to have someone so at my back when I was scared, speaking garbledly, and vomiting. Didn't deter him one bit, and all of his behavior was just that I'm that important to him.

Hmmm. Maybe I'm going to be able to stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. He will still drive me crazy with personality stuff sometimes, but I just got a good luck at the character beneath all that.

I'll have a tablet with me so hope to keep up with you all this week. I know if you'd been here there would've been even more Amazons at the hospital!

love you guys,
Hops

Oh Hops, how scary for you, I'm so sorry you had to go through this but equally very happy that M was a trooper and pulled out all the stops on this one.  It is possible to get past 'personality' stuff if the underlying bits are shiny and good.  My very dear friend's boyfriend can be a bit testing when you first get to know him (he's a bit of a know it all as well) but once you get past that he truly is the sweetest, kindest man and would genuinely give away the shirt on his back (and I think the know it all stuff is nerves with him; once you get to know him all of that recedes).  So I'm glad M was there and looked after pooch for you.  I hope you feel alright now and goodness me, have an amazing time in Paris!  Give a wave in my direction as your plane lands Hope it all goes well and that you have an amazing time xx

[lighter]

And isn't that part of the important stuff..... that someone you love will be there, hold your head when you're puking, pull back your hair, and make sure you're OK. 

It's lovely M stayed, and took care of pooch, and remains devoted.... it truly is important, Hops.

You have a ball in Paris.  Eat, drink, and be merry!  I hope you dance.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Tupp. It really was frightening. It was a mini-stroke (TIA), they believe, so I got sent home with meds and dire warnings. I can drink wine in Paris, but not daily, and only a glass. Very sobering, pun intended. I just need to be grateful and take care of life business, because with something like a stroke (my mother had one and spent her last year half paralysed) you never know when it could hit. So I feel newly vulnerable. Still, though 69 is young for this, recurrence should be preventable in most cases. General statistics are sobering because many TIAs lead to a real stroke within a year.

I honestly think I'll need to tell M that some of the struggles we've been through I've responded to with huge internal stress...a la, the kind of frustration and angst that drives up blood pressure. His incessant talking plus pressure really does affect me. Particularly when he's repeating stuff over and over. But I'll try to be kind about it and empathic and see if he's capable of modifying that a bit. I hope so.

Lighter, it was wonderful to have him at my back. At first it wasn't. I didn't want him in the ER because as I suspected he'd try to take over. I told my girlfriend that and he insisted anyway and basically shoved his way in even though she'd told him my preference was he wait in the waiting room. She likes him a ton and he charmed her (and part of her felt okay about him taking over) -- but still, it was over my objections. (I was comfortable with her there while I was gabbling but wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him. As it turned out, I had no choice.) I didn't want him insisting doctors talk to him not me...and with his dominant personality they all kept turning to him. I finally started being blunt: M, please stop interjecting and let me talk to my doctors. It took more than once, but he did respect my wishes in the end. The effort of keeping him at bay was extra stress. So I hope we go forward with just...a calmer relationship that isn't just defined by him.

And all in all though I am still very glad and grateful and touched at his character beneath the exhaustingness. After the crisis it was a big comfort to have him in my room, and I felt really loved. When he got home he did a lot of reading up on TIA.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Goodness HOPS... big long huge cyber-hug for you m'dear!

You tell M I said, (in my best Mom's putting her foot down voice):

When Hops tells you what she needs to feel safe, and relaxed - LISTEN TO HER and adjust accordingly. It's just as much a way of having her back, as getting all manly & in charge.

I'll butt out now. Except to point out that vulnerability is required to have authentic relationships; for both parties. It's never easy or without anxiety, fears, and stress.

[CB123]

I'm so glad you didnt have to go through this alone! Oh my word. That is so scarey. Sounds like you had a couple of people with you (girlfriend too!) and that helped a lot in a getting what you needed in the moment.

I hear you saying that he was wonderful and stuck with you through thick and thin--vomit and confusion. On such a primitive level that is so vital to be cared for.

I also hear you saying that it took considerable effort to get him to do as you asked in the moment, and your girlfriend tried as well and you two were minimally successful. I hear you saying that it seems that the amount of stress you were under with his incessant commentary and some of the controlling behavior had something to do with your blood pressure being elevated, perhaps making you at risk for a TIA.

It sounds like you are hoping that sitting down and having an in depth discussion about how his natural way of socializing affects you adversely. Are you hoping that he will modify his behavior, and become more quiet and thoughtful so you will be able to keep some inner equilibrium? Do you have a plan B--perhaps that you will just buck up and find new ways of dealing with it since it appears it is his personality, which is hard for a person to change? 

Pondering with you on this. Hope you have a wonderful trip! Shame about the wine, but hey! there's pastries and if I had to choose, I would choose them anyway. Actually, I do have to choose (some medical issues that have come up for me in the last year) and I dont get either one. Boo. I'm more like: no wine, and pastries are okay, but not every day--or multiple times a day.

Much anticipation for your dreamy trip,
CB

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Tupp. It really was frightening. It was a mini-stroke (TIA), they believe, so I got sent home with meds and dire warnings. I can drink wine in Paris, but not daily, and only a glass. Very sobering, pun intended. I just need to be grateful and take care of life business, because with something like a stroke (my mother had one and spent her last year half paralysed) you never know when it could hit. So I feel newly vulnerable. Still, though 69 is young for this, recurrence should be preventable in most cases. General statistics are sobering because many TIAs lead to a real stroke within a year.

I honestly think I'll need to tell M that some of the struggles we've been through I've responded to with huge internal stress...a la, the kind of frustration and angst that drives up blood pressure. His incessant talking plus pressure really does affect me. Particularly when he's repeating stuff over and over. But I'll try to be kind about it and empathic and see if he's capable of modifying that a bit. I hope so.

Lighter, it was wonderful to have him at my back. At first it wasn't. I didn't want him in the ER because as I suspected he'd try to take over. I told my girlfriend that and he insisted anyway and basically shoved his way in even though she'd told him my preference was he wait in the waiting room. She likes him a ton and he charmed her (and part of her felt okay about him taking over) -- but still, it was over my objections. (I was comfortable with her there while I was gabbling but wasn't ready to be that vulnerable with him. As it turned out, I had no choice.) I didn't want him insisting doctors talk to him not me...and with his dominant personality they all kept turning to him. I finally started being blunt: M, please stop interjecting and let me talk to my doctors. It took more than once, but he did respect my wishes in the end. The effort of keeping him at bay was extra stress. So I hope we go forward with just...a calmer relationship that isn't just defined by him.

And all in all though I am still very glad and grateful and touched at his character beneath the exhaustingness. After the crisis it was a big comfort to have him in my room, and I felt really loved. When he got home he did a lot of reading up on TIA.

Hugs
Hops

I hope he's able to adjust, Hops, I guess for men of his generation there were many things expected of them and they've probably not done the internal battle that a lot of women have had to do in order to be heard.  I'm sorry to hear that the pressures have led to this health situation although it makes sense; stress is such a huge thing and can cause so many hidden dangers.  I hope you are able to have that talk and find that balance in there; he's not out of the woods when it comes to a Tupp arse kicking yet!!  Lol, I hope you are feeling okay and that the Paris trip is both relaxing and wonderful xx

[Meh]

That is so scary Hops.  When you go to Paris get some Cassis Sorbet if you see it. And if you can only drink one glass of wine then  it's encouragement not to waste time on mediocre wine. Be adamant that nobody gives you table wine. We have good wine in the US too but we don't have all that Architecture and art. 

I always wanted to go to Musée de l’Orangerie with those big long Monet paintings that take up the whole room.

[Hopalong]

Good advice, Boat!
M is all over wine and every glass is amazing. I will keep my eye for cassis sorbet today! We're going to do a mellow boat down the Seine. Day before yesterday we spent in Giverny so I wish I could have brought you!
We had dinner by the Sorbonne yesterday where he's lectured, and spent a good deal of time at Notre Dame, just trying to absorb the sight.
We arrived in Paris just after the heat wave broke and it's been beyond gorgeous since.

Lemme say though that the jet lag!s been Brutal, took both of us until today to feel fairly normal and tomorrow we leave! But it's also been wonderful and brought us closer (not counting day one, when I was so exhausted I was Not Pleasant). Since then though we've done really well. He feels like a boy again and I'm enjoying his company. Finding my rusty French again is fun. Most meaningful was having dinner with my friend!s daughters and their families in Montmartre. I didn't get to say goodbye to their mother, my close friend from age 17, and reconnecting with these girls almost felt like being a mother again. They were jut wonderful. The husband is a historian so he and M had a wonderful time.

hugs
HOps

[Meh]

That's great Hops. Glad you are having fun. 

[lighter]

I'm so happy to read about your trip, HOPS!  Keep sharing, and consider eating at Le Souffle IF you can't think of somewhere else to eat.  I always enjoy that place when in Paris.  https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g187147-d719430-Reviews-Le_Souffle-Paris_Ile_de_France.html

There's fancier eating establishments, but I always make sure to visit this not too fancy place at least once.  The blue facade breaths happiness into my heart when I see it.  The food is comforting, and yummy!  I always feel the wait staff cares, and wants to make me happy: )

YAY! YAY! to having a nice time, not too hot, in Paris, HOPS!

I'm so glad: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

E Gads... I think maybe we're all about a 1000 miles OT from the purpose of the board, these days. Everyone is doing so much better than years ago. The contrast is positively heartening.

When do you take off for the 2nd leg of your trip Hops? Still feeling fine I hope?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, all, so much. Where else could I talk about all this stuff and be so understood?

All in all, M was amazing inParis. And we did have that talk...I told him I wasn't blaming him but fear the nonstop talking is maybe a compulsion, and that because I'm wired to be very reactive to speech in my presence and I simply can't not listen, and I'm reacting with a lot of stress and just not sure I can handle it long term. He got a lot quieter and I expressed myself more and we got very playful and just had a joyous time. Even joked about it a lot. And then ironically he came down with laryngitis  yesterday! Speaking of hints from the universe. But it was an amazing week, highlight a day near the Sorbonne. Notre Dame was very sad.

Today he's soaking up the sun on the balcony of his fancy visiting professors suite in Jerusalem, starts his lectures next week.

 I came to Oslo today and though I lost my cell phone, am having a beautiful time with old friend Erik and family. Their house is on an island a block from the king!s summer home. We could tell he's there because of the sole guard! Erik's met him and says he's very nice while introverted, and folks really like the queen. Strange neighbors! Stunning place all around...their house is from another time, full of generations of his family stuff and hers (Russian). His wife (retired film maker) and daughter (opera singer now teaching voice) made an amazing huge dinner with fish and lots of Vegs plus huge local strawberries for dessert. Tomorrow we're taking the streetcar downtown and I'm going to buy a warm sweater...after perfect-warmth Paris, Oslo's nearly starting fall. So gorgeous here, first time back since 1960. Really grateful to be here, dreamed of it a long time.

Thanks for the Le Soufflé suggestion, Lighter, but since M practically,lives for the gourmet thing and has 50 favorites, I was happy to let him choose. To say we ate well is an understatement.

Tupp, M is now plotting a Guggenheim so we could spend a year here, and if that happens you and I will meet, promise!

GBoat, thanks for the good wishes. You've no idea how much your perspective helped me enjoy all this. And Amber, you said something so insightful about respecting restraint being as much having my back as taking charge. I'm going to find a time to tell him that (but will pretend I thought of it, okay?)

CB, you sure heard me. Every piece of it. Thank you so much.

Love y'all LOTS,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Made it home in one piece though yesterday was, not to exaggerate, a hellish marathon. I manifested M's nasty cold the day I left Oslo and was sooooo sick by the time I got back to Paris. One night at an airport hotel (very inconsistent directions from staff resulted in riding a train back and forth extra time) and then yesterday:

Up at 830am Paris time
To airport at 10
Security (ain't what it used to be!) and then flight at 1:00
Arrived hub city at 430 Eastern Time
Five. Hour. Layover. Siiiiiick--whole box of tissues sick, coughing.
Left hub 10pm EST
Arrived home past midnight
At house half-hour later

I can't even do the math but can somebody tell me how many straight hours I was awake streaming nose, coughing and spluttering (feeling guilty about others) on the airplanes? Only exception was when I got chills too and the lady across the way gave me an extra blanket and I got all wrapped up in that, refastened the seat belt, passed out for 30 minutes, then woke up in turbulence to realize I had to pee and felt feverishly disoriented, got all tangled up in the two blankets plus headset wires and couldn't get the belt open fast enough and...you guessed it, old lady nightmare.

Fortunately, nobody else noticed --most were asleep-- and the flight attendant kindly fetched my suitcase so I could change into clean pants. DAMN. (And you guys are the lucky winners! Not sure I'll tell anybody ELSE about that.) That said, it was also one of many Blanche Dubois moments -- relying on the kindness of strangers. It may have been being sick but I really think it's just that I'm older than I was before and travel's changed a lot. And loads of people answered questions even with language barriers and were helpful and kind. Talked to the sweetest Norwegian chaplain on the plane from Oslo to Paris and he was a GIFT.

Missed a train in Norway and spent a long chilly time on the platform and lost my cell phone.

Other than that? The trip was wonderful and I'd do it again in a heartbeat (M sez we're going to). Only change I'd insist on is I really will not travel that many hours in a row again. Even if it means another night at a hotel. That was too much.

But I made it and am lolling around with Pooch, who was happy to see me but also mellow and relaxed and clearly had been treated super well by the sitter, who left my little house clean as a whistle, with flowers. She even cleaned a disgusting birdbath. Another friend got in groceries and a couple others checked on me by email. I had to let them know what was happening with me but once I had, several showed they cared. I feel LUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKY. And grateful.

One disappointment...one friend of a couple years dislikes my most blunt close long-term friend, who was critical of her performance in a key church position. Okay, those things happen. But I allowed the two of them to intersect at my house (I thought I'd mentioned the blunt one was stopping by but the other friend insists I didn't, and even if I had warned her, how could I not then ask her if she needed to go, or some such avoidance strategem because she'd been so hurt by Ms. Blunt's critical email?). The newer friend has turned my lack of attention to her fragile feelings into a cause for not speaking to me for a while (though she briefly did about the stroke and another committee thing). That is a pink flag for me. For me, a squabble between two friends does not force me to choose one of them, and that may be what she wants. She said she'll be in touch this month, so we'll see.

Have to get an echocardiogram Friday and also have a heart monitor put on that I have to wear for 30 freaking days. But I'm glad I have great care, good teaching hospital here.

Sorry to be so self-absorbed but glad y'all are willing to read it!

love
Hops

[CB123]

Hops, sounds like it was a wonderful whirl-wind, but your travel stories made me get sweaty palms!

And I dont know how we both get the same terrible cold--I've been laid up for a week, and I can't even imagine how I would have traveled as well as you did.

Wishing you a very peaceful recovery in your little house,
CB

[lighter]

Lordy, Hops what  nightmare.  Sick.  Lost cell phone.  Missed trains.  Marathon travel schedules.  I'm amazed you came out of it as chipper as you are.  Well done!

About the peeing your pants..... it happens to everyone, I think, if they'll just admit it.  I tend to put it off, and do just
one
more
thing, then run out of time, when I could have made it if I'd just taken care of business.

Of course, you were sick, cocooned, and sabotaged by the jostling and wires.... it's a difficult thing to get into an airplane bathroom when things are going well, IME.

Sorry your friends problem is creating angst for you.  It's not your problem.... you didn't cause it, and you can't fix it.  Let them have it, and stay focused on yourself.

I bet Pooch is thrilled to the moon to have you back!

Lighter