Relationship/s

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, guys. You are so thoughtful and supportive, it blows my mind.

I think I won't explore new kinds of "treatment" or "evaluation" for M at this point, mainly because I've already got the poor man into two kinds of therapy -- his own T, and soon our couples T.

But gradually it might be useful to give him more info on ADHD (not that he couldn't look it up himself...). I generally don't want to direct his personal growth or visualize him as a project, but as long as he is this open and motivated, I can share comments and observations ... and fidget devices! If I mention those things, like sensory processing and ADHD a bit more...maybe he'll bring something up in his own work with his own T.

What's fascinating about M is his actual brilliance, and how that has driven a remarkable career. The couple-T we met on Monday asked him some astute questions, including who was the favorite (ie, "golden") child in your family? M immediately said, I was. And M spoke about the extreme privilege he grew up with.

He was the only one who broke away from the family expectation that he become a bigwig in one of the largest businesses in Central America. He went off to be a scholar and took that all the way to the top. He said his father once told him, You had the courage to do what I never could. And his sister said similar things.

One thing I love is that in both of these exploratory couple-T sessions, I've spoken very openly and descriptively about my observations and reactions to M, and painting his frustrating qualities vividly. And yet there is no blowback whatsoever from M afterward. He seems glad to hear what I actually think, and motivated to understand. He has immense learning capacity and never reacts negatively, even when I describe behaviors I think would be hard to hear about in front of a stranger.

So I'm feeling better about our prospects these days. He's coming over tonight for an indoor picnic and flick.

Hugs
Hops

I think you're wise not to force him into too many things, Hops, it is hard to find the line between helping and creating a project, as you say.  It's so lovely tor read that the sessions are going well (from the point of view that they aren't causing animosity between you afterwards).  The indoor picnic sounds lovely, I hope you both had a really good time xx

[lighter]

Hops:

How did the picnic go?  If anyone watched VICTORIA, there was a fireside picnic for the King and Queen after they were lost, then found by an Irish couple who took them in, not realizing who they were, fed them by the fire, and gave them their little peasant bed for night. 

When Victoria returned to England she had a little fireside picnic with Albert to bring back the simplicity, and joy of those moments
.
I hope yours was every inch as enchanting, Hops.  IMHO creating these kinds of memories is the best.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Picnic was lovely. We went over to my neighbor's to taste her beta batch of a new spicy chutney she'll be marketing through a local cidery. Yum. Then had our tapas and wine and wound up listening to my friend's CD...she is gone now (killed in an awful intentional accident by a homicidal/suicidal man escaping his murder of his gf, years ago now). But her extraordinary voice and talent remain and M just fell in love with her music.

Tonight we had a lovely dinner out and won't see each other until I arrive in SF a week from now. We have been so much more relaxed with each other since seeing those two potential couple-Ts, it's odd. I think we were stuck and needed that third party help...so we both seem much more peaceful and even more committed. Feeling very good about it all right now.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well....
your post started my mouth to watering. 
Chutney, and cider, and spicey, oh my: )

Then I was yanked sideways by the music piece, and loss of your lovely friend.  I find people want to deny and minimize violence in our culture, particularly for women and children, and then it's touching your life, infringing, engulfing, taking lives of people you know and love.  So frustrating, and in many cases avoidable, IME.  Some voices have no power in this culture.  Will you share your friend's voice with the board, Hops?

You sound relaxed, and comfortable right now.  It's nice to read you're finding your stride with M. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I hope you enjoy San Fran, Hops. You might see things you don't so much enjoy, if the media reports are to be believed. (I remain Skeptical of everything I read these days. And I need a whole factory to separate out the scarce facts from opinions.)

I think you'll have a lovely adventure! I want one too.    But I'm on hold for that now.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lighter,
She was a much-beloved founding member of a well-known acoustic group that did very sophisticated, jazzy, bluegrassy folk. I knew her through another circle. We weren't the closest friends but I did invite her to co-create a service at my church that was pretty amazing. I did a sermon on loneliness and she did the music. Congregation was absolutely spellbound. Later she moved [away] to direct a large chorus that traveled the world. People from all over came for her service.

Her end was beyond tragic. He had just killed his gf and intentionally crossed the highway and drove headfirst into her car (to take himself out, they think). And so, took her life as well. She had just come back for a meeting about possibly reuniting with the original group and was on her way to town in her rental car.

Her voice will be around forever; she was much loved and respected and recordings remain. Some aren't easy to find though. Her best album was called _______. Extraordinary.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Amber. I love SF. Worked in Silicon Valley and spent a good bit of time there.
I know social problems have worsened but I'm not shocked. Just sad to see.

There's transparency there...when all the neglect and sorrow are visible in the open.
I'm more comfortable with that sad ugliness than with ghettos and gated enclaves
that protect us from seeing what legacy inequalities, indifference to mental illness
and the results of abuse, and viewing many human beings as discardable has done.

Happy for the tech-wealthy who are so enjoying one of the most magical and
beautiful places in the country. Too bad about everyone else, who can't afford to
keep living there any more. And not because they don't work hard.

Luckily for M's sons, they are successful and well off, in a lovely town about an
hour from SF. All the best of the Bay and Sonoma, none of the rest. I'm genuinely
happy for them and looking forward to exploring that lovely area with M.

But mostly, to cradling a new baby girl I may be lucky enough to love and know
for years to come!

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

 BABY!

I so want to cradle that baby girl too, Hops.

Enjoy: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

OOOOOOO babies are SO wonderful. I spend time just looking at them, while holding them, wondering what kind of person they'll choose to be. And giving that unconditional attention and gentleness... that let's 'em know whatever they choose is A-OK.

[Hopalong]

Home at last, sick as a dawg, but happy I went!

Will catch up and also fill y'all in asap...but it'll be
a few days before I feel I can write coherently.

What is it about airplanes?????

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

My theory is some evil mad scientist designed airplanes as the perfect incubator for viruses and bacterial infections Hops. Moooooooahahahahaha....     


Feel better soon!

[lighter]

The cabin pressure. 
Sitting stationary for hours. 
Re breathing everyone's gases, and bathroom air... bleck.

Not to mention dehydration, and how difficult it is to NOT touch our faces with our hands..... all those surfaces touched by SO MANY PEOPLE. 

The salty processed snacks in airports, and on planes don't help, IME.

The mistake of having an alcoholic beverage, or two, further dehydrating us, and feeding everything terrible in the body with sugar and carbs.

Poor sleep from travel. 

Upset systems from travel.... is it just me, or does everyone have trouble going to the bathroom when far from home?  I think it's most people.  The toxins build up, we feel bloated, and are even less likely to stay on top of clean water intake, IME.  If we're drinking more alcohol AND eating food that aren't great for us, it shows up after a day of travel for me. 

I often make really bad food choices when traveling under stressful circumstances.   

Feel better, Hops. I want to hear everything: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I didn't eat bad food and drank no alcohol...tons of water tomato juice...I figure I picked up the virus on the first flight and it flowered after a few days. I only wish I hadn't held little V (2 weeks old) for an hour the night before I got symptoms! But all reports since have said she's fine. CB, I might actually try a mask. And Lighter, the surfaces thing...that is so true. Planes are definitely not sanitized, so every tray table, light or air or call button or seatbelt buckle or bathroom handle...all must be freaking petri dishes. Yikers. Maybe another trip I'll take along some disinfectant wipes and get serious about trying to reduce that vulnerability. How to avoid touching face, when putting glasses on and off much less blowing nose over 8 hours...hard one. But I'll try to do something! We've got Costa Rica for the holidays and Spain in spring and maybe a return trip to CA in March. I need to survive!

The good stuff. This part of M's family is LOVELY. The sons are brilliant, sensitive, kind. The DILs are kind, also very smart (didn't have as much time) and so welcoming. The kids (two boys 6 and 2, plus new little girl) are amazing. Older boy and I hit it off and little guy was so cute. Liked playing games and dragging me down the sidewalk to see a "tractor" (fork lift). I can imagine many happy times ahead feeling grandma-ish! As to the newborn, In Love. Since the dad wasn't able to contribute (childhood illness made him sterile) they used donor sperm and Mom egg. They chose based on qualities (science and art genes) they liked...and she's African American plus several other interesting ethnicities I can't recall. Beautiful, strong looking baby. Big feet and long fingers, so she'll be an Olympic swimmer-concert pianist, of course. I felt very happy being among them all. They explicitly welcomed me, the oldest said "I'm glad you're part of our family" and I just melted. So much fun. They seemed also to enjoy me rolling my eyes at M at times, with shared grins.

One of the DILs sent me home-made elderberry syrup to help fight the cold. A son sent me a pomegranate from his front yard. I spent the last two days lolling about at the hotel, which was quirky and fun if not super comfy. I called it "The Hotel Where Old People Go to Hurt Themselves" because it was tall on charm and eccentric decor but short on practicality. Lovely old renovated Victorian with three spiffed-up Airstreams out back in a cute garden. I got them to fetch me an actual reading lamp. M said every time he showered he was anxious. Cute clawfoot tubs with a curved bottom and no grab bars. So we'll stay somewhere more conventional next time but I wouldn't mind staying there again. Nice breakfasts and interesting people around.

Feeling much better today and having dinner with M Wednesday. He brought groceries because as usual, I had no staples, and friends have been in touch to hear about the trip. Will be seeing several later in the week.

Have my stroke followup appt with a neurologist tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed. Almost cancelled it but then figured I might have to wait months if I rescheduled. So I'll go cough at her.

I am so far behind on your posts and that'll be my favorite thing tomorrow.

love to all,
Hops

[Hopalong]

[Shifted health stuff over to the Health Updates thread...]

Newish relationship news:
M and I really do travel well together. That's a delight.

Now he's asking if I'll go to Buenos Aires next August. My first impulse was jeez, gotta slow down. (And, I was sick on the way home for the second time.) But, I'm starting to rebound with a sense of adventure. This is just craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. If we keep it up, it's a LOT more than I'm used to. I hadn't been across the pond or out of the country (one business trip to Canada excepted) since '75.

Since I met M nine months ago, the travel picture has been:
Paris last summer
California just now
Costa Rica in Dec-Jan
[he also suggested London in June, I demurred but could change my mind]
Spain/Portugal in April
now, maybe, Buenos Aires in August

This feels normal to him (he gets paid trips paid because he a visiting lecturer, pays for my room and food and sometimes flight, if he forgets to use his FF miles)... but it's WACKY to me. And the dog/house-sitter is nibbling away at my anemic emergency fund.

Trying to get my head around all this jet setting. Speaking of which, carbon offsets don't do it, so there's the climate warming guilt.

Other R thing. I'm still trying to figure out whether M's constant talking is just an insecurity tic or is narcissistic. I'm spooked about the latter because my mother did that constantly and it cost me too much, and because of her I'm so well-groomed to fall in love with sparkly, self absorbed people. He behaves adoringly and then I notice that there is SO much I-I-I in his monologues, how rarely he actually tunes into me and how poorly he listens.

We've barely starting couples counseling, though. I need to be brave enough to ask the N-questions there. And despite sometimes feeling that he wants me as a companion largely because I'm smart, offer him good banter and good company...and he feels better about himself having an "attractive"  woman....I also think in his own way he does love me.

It's a big conundrum and I have a fair amount of paranoia about it. So our work ain't done. He keeps proposing and I keep putting on the brakes. I just tell him, we have our work to do, still, first....

Just rambles. Thanks for listening to them.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Will unpack and respond to this lovely update, Hops.  So g l ad you had a good trip.

Lighter