Got in an hour ago...all is well.
Mellow Pooch, my sweet home.
It's going to take me a good while to catch up with y'all.
I read your posts every chance I got but could barely reply
with two-finger typing and episodic access. Missed being in
the daily flow here! And I'm sorry not to have offered support
to y'all every day as you always have me. I'll try to catch up
but please forgive me in advance if it's pretty inadequate.
SO much to say about this trip and I'm too wired to sleep so
I'll try at least a little summary.
It was exciting and wonderful to see Costa Rica and M's other life.
His family is very kind but so upper-class they are more formal than I enjoy.
But they liked me and I liked them too, despite the language barriers. At our
last dinner at an amazing restaurant in San Jose a woman came up to our
table and said she just had to tell us what fun it was to hear us bouncing
back and forth between languages. I was speaking English with M's brother
beside me on one side, French with his Chilean brother-in-law on the other
side. M was speaking mostly Spanish with his sister and other brother on
each side of him but English across the table to me, as his sister was too.
It was fun. The place was a huge old home originally owned by the Central
America equivalent of the Nabisco family, renovated into an astonishing place
by a couple of wealthy Canadians 18 years ago. For some reason there are
a lot of Canadian expats there.
Where to start. First few days we were in M's big condo (my house and a
half) that overlooks the city but closer in, a nature reserve. The combo makes
an amazing view. My favorite tree is called "fire in the forest" -- orange flowers
all over the canopy. Birds, you can imagine. The place is stunning and I'm happy
I got to stay there as he thinks it's finally sold, and is negotiating that now. Huge
relief for him as he was sick of managing it from the US and truly doesn't need
or want it any more. Those days included Xmas Eve and a few more visits with
family...all of whom (lost count) are really lovable and made me very welcome.
Next week was different. We were in M's house in the jungle in Guanacaste,
about four hours away on the Pacific coast. Really stunning property he designed
and planned from the house (with a tower like Hemingway's) to the gardens and
stone gateposts after a place in Spain he loved. He's extremely and deservedly
proud of it. Spacious, lovely, comfortable and very isolated. It was three days
before I met anyone else who spoke English. (Nice Canadian neighbors.)
What happened was that this was too much isolation and togetherness, and M
began to express frustration and criticisms he never had before so bluntly, and
his personality -- chiefly his habit of nonstop talk, including when we finally did
have the neighbors come up for champagne and he talked/lectured the entire
time and nobody else got a word in...and I just couldn't take it. Even though his
professor-knowledge about EVERYTHING is unmatched (culture, history, food, on
and on and on) he just dominates constantly. Later we argued and I suddenly roared
at him that I couldn't STAND the way he talked about his architect. It felt to me that M's
ego combined with his pride in the place just took off, and he repeatedly bragged and bragged
so much about all the wonderful things he did, and knows, and understands, and designs,
and he explains (to EVERYONE at EVERY opportunity) that for a time I just couldn't stand
him. He came off like an arrogant clueless braggart and though I understood him, I didn't
LIKE him. His knowledge is encyclopedic (neighbors looked both impressed and repressed
by the monologue) and on its own fascinating, but he's so pedantic and way too determined
to force-teach anyone about everything at every occasion.
It was very painful and I suddenly wanted badly to go home and felt like ending the
relationship. I got myself together and calmed down, but it was tense and miserable.
It was a huge relief to get back to San Jose and the spacious condo and the tension
drained away and we got back to a happy way of interacting and enjoyed the rest of
the trip. We had a lot of fun traveling, in airports, etc., and got back to loving each
other again. But those days in the jungle house were a revelation and not a happy one.
We were peaceful and playful together back at the condo and cooperated happily on
domestic stuff, lazing about, making meals, tidying up for the potential buyer. Confusing.
(Maybe that means a city house here would be okay? I'm full of doubt but still some hope.)
I'm not freaking out about it (yet), but I'm newly unsure whether I could live with him. I just
don't know that I can adapt to him FT because it is so difficult for him to control himself
verbally. One bright note is that he expressed interest in being formally evaluated for
ADHD, which I think could help. And we're still going to be doing the T together, which
always helps. We might wind up as long-term companions who never marry, which is
fine except that if I'm honest, I fear walking away from that security he's offering.
If the T is a miracle worker maybe he can teach M how not to drive me away. I know he
loves (and needs) me and I do love him still. But that week in the jungle left me unsure,
emotionally unsafe, and so stressed (I had tachycardia so bad it woke me up) that I
suddenly thought of his personality issues as health risks for me. He doesn't grasp
his effect on me without a big struggle. He isn't connecting with his impact on others.
Another thing that was important is seeing him in the context of that family and that
country and hearing so much more about it that I realize he really has felt rootless in
some ways, living in several countries...and that plus whatever it is in his brain that
causes such agitated and unaware behavior is really about running. He proposed a
bunch more trips and I haven't been able to tell him yet but this one was really too
much for me. Managed not to get sick but did learn that nonstop togetherness with
him is not possible for me. I'd lose my mind. (I did grasp how torn he feels between
two cultures, and how the jungle house in its traditional village area represents TRUE
home-in-Costa-Rica to him.) He wants to keep it and come there for long stays (a month
or several) and I couldn't bring myself to tell him I don't care if I never go there again.
The roads were so rutted it killed my back every time we went anywhere and the lack
of anyone else to talk to would not be good for me over time. MAYBE if we'd gotten
very happy and calm as a couple and I were writing....but as of now, it's not for me.)
So that's the big (and confusing) bottom line. Not sorry I went but it's NOT okay that
he will talk and talk and talk and not let up until I'm so stressed my heart acts up.
And yet for the last few days it was lovely, peaceful and cooperative. Maybe because
I knew we were heading home soon, and because at the condo we had huge space
and he was less excited about talking (nonstop) about the jungle house. Dunno, dunno.
We also did get some talking in that was about us, and about him and his family dynamics
and a lot of other things, in the way we have always done well at times, so it felt more real.
SO glad to be here again.
love,
Hops
PS Costa Rican food is just incredible. Most dishes are simple but every ingredient
is so fresh the flavors are fantastic. I don't eat meat or poultry but we had fresh
fish nearly every day and vegetables that just sang.
