Morning, Tupp--
It sounds so small, one word. But the times he's said it in the past were when he was pressuring me or demanding that I do specific things that he more or less narrated. I need to be attracted, not narrated, if you follow. Or if I wasn't making a commitment promise verbally for marriage or whatever. "You are resistant."
I could cope with disagreement over using a word, if it moved us into conversation in which he was present with me as much as in his own head or agenda. And taking in instead of contradicting what I say. I think that habit goes deep. He says I am doing the same thing (contradicting) when he tells the Sikh, we'd had a wonderful week! And I say, please use the first person because for me, there was a day that was very difficult or painful, etc.
M going through your 'negative' attributes at times - does he do the same with your positive ones?
He does. It's an odd kind of listing that to me, doesn't feel like affection, but recitation. He's told the Sikh the list several times, and used to repeat it with me a LOT. The positives were kind of, you are: beautiful, intelligent, intricate like a Patek Philippe, literate, sensitive, and that is why I love you and want you in my life. I think he's being sincere and feels that this list explains it all.
Sounds good, right? Or I'm an ingrate? Or I should just purr and hush up because I get the list? The truth is I never enjoyed hearing "the list." It was the same every time and I started feeling like a piece of fine furniture that a salesman would describe the same way. I haven't felt flattered or appreciated with it, no sensation of love or affection coming over me, just mildly uncomfortable. I don't know if it's his delivery or what, and am sure he felt he is being kind to narrate what he judges as my good qualities. I can enjoy a compliment, it's not that...there's just something off about it. (I'm suddenly wondering if that's spectrum stuff. Oh Lord, please don't let me start to diagnose...).
Anyhow, I don't freak out when he's listing positives, of course, who would. BUT, when he lists negatives about me when angry but not admitting he is, there's a difference, I think. Maybe it's a form of passive aggression that I can't tolerate. Or maybe my skin's too thin. Or maybe there really is a pattern of verbal dominance that's exhausting to me. I have a very low tolerance for condescension and being criticized at length. If he would say, there a thing I want to bring up...a particular thing he thinks or observes about me he wants to talk about...then maybe we could and I'd learn something I should about myself. But a whole list of negative characterizations is overwhelming. (Maybe "You are resistant" is one? Because in truth, right now I AM resistant to sliding back into doing what he wants because we haven't resolved that devastating last session, or haven't resolved it enough for me to feel at ease, and I don't know how to cuddle and act as though I'm feeling really romantic when I don't).
Amazingly, we just had a good conversation the phone. I don't think we understand each other, but it's obvious we both care about our relationship. He is currently depressed over the pandemic, not being able to travel or fly (he is accustomed to mannny trips a year), and all the rest. He was also sad because today would be his mother's 100th birthday so he had a sad conversation with his sister and it's just so sad (she's been gone 11 years). What is wrong with me? Dates and timelines just don't move me into melancholy. I'm like a plumber with a calendar. I do notice emotional anniversary reactions but they pass quickly. More likely, it's just a sense of yes, that's when that happened, and I might ponder or feel melancholy for a bit, but then move on. For M, it is tragic, the passing of time. He talks about it a lot, life slipping through his fingers. I get it, we're basically the same age. I just don't like viewing age as tragedy, and maybe a historian has a different take. I get it.
As to understanding each other. I did get out that I am observing that I feel a lot of underlying tension when I'm with him that love doesn't fix. And I'm trying to be present to myself and pay attention. And I hope the Sikh can help us communicate better. And M shared that he feels criticized by me all the time and said "Doubt is destructive." Another theme he mentions a lot is that we'll die soon. So he'd really like us (me) to just hurry up and seize the day and go for it, with our relationship. I understand that point of view but don't share it, because an unhappy life together would be worse than being alone. I do think he's right that I think a lot about everything emotional. He says too much.
Hoo boy. "Doubt is destructive." I could say, "Doubt is protective." The truth is probably in between. He says (thinking it's a huge long time) "We've known each other a year and a half". I say (thinking it's not enough time to really know if our marriage would be wise or happy, given our struggles) "We've known each other a year and a half." I do understand how he's feeling. I don't perceive that he has much of a grasp of how I'm feeling. I think as long as I respond to his forcefield, it's great. But when I doubt, question, balk or dig into stuff, he thinks I'm being bad.
Then again, I felt better after we talked. It was friendly. Nothing really resolved but more honesty on the table. He acknowledged that he's concerned about us too, which is good. I dunno.
I'm going to email the Sikh (nothing detailed, just a sentence) to ask if it's ever possible to do a back to back two-hour session, or to have two in a week, and would he recommend that.
hugs
Hops
