Meandering

[Meh]

You are so sweet Two. Thanks. Yeah I will do something.

Now I am looking at Paralegal because it was suggested to me. Makes me sad that it's basically just a secretary. Individual classes are pretty interesting though. In the end it would be better than nothing just for the h*ll of it. It's not a job I want though seems altogether heavy. Law is basically the world of power and punishment. Such a specific job.

[sKePTiKal]

Law covers a lot of different areas G. There's contract law, patent law, real estate law... and it's often helpful, as often as it's dealing with crime & punishment. Could be more interesting than you might imagine from where you sit now. But ya know what?

You're the one that's going to have the skills & knowledge and job opportunities after graduating, so your decision is completely up to you. Ask yourself, what you drawn to? And why? Sit with that awhile and maybe investigate what the day to day experience is like.

[Meh]

Yeah the paralegal looks useful and there are some fluffy electives like anthropology etc. so I could go with that if nothing else works out. 

So hot outside right now, hiding out indoors.


Metaphorically do I write a grocery list and go shopping or do I use what I already have in the pantry. After looking at BA programs oddly enough I think the Psychology program would be easiest for me to get into IF there is room. The English program scares me, it looks advanced I'm just not sure I can write THAT much. I wish I had more time to figure this out. The Communications BA looks like I could probably get into it too but the classes are so concentrated that I'm worried I might get bored. I want some variety, I want that BA, I like the real-world skills of the Paralegal program but then I'm going to be disappointed in myself if I don't make the BA thing happen.

My dream job would be working in a museum feh or related community art program nonsense job I think. There is even a master's degree for that locally. Don't even know what the full path is for that. I think it's too non-technical. I should just look at that direction too. I could always claim some sort of arts education plan. I think.

Man if only i could do it all.

Was looking for a flash drive now I am on a cleaning rampage. Mostly there are too many random papers.

Dang I should have gotten progressive lenses.

Thank goodness I have an advising appointment tomorrow. I need a rest and a crutch.

So this morning I've been looking at community colleges that offer BA degrees. I found one that is on-line and offers a BA in business. From first glance it looks kinda boring though.

[Meh]

Making coffee.

There is an online school that I was interested in because it's a better quality school but it's on a Trimester system and it doesn't sync up with my current predicament. OH how I wished I had started this sooner. Kicking myself again.
* Must be in-state

Spoke with a different community college school advisor over phone today and learned that it's possible to start school and be on "school attendance status before declaring program path. There is a downside of this, I would still be required to do job search activities and if offered a job I would have to quit school. I've got an in person appointment tomorrow.

The phone advisor call I had today she really sounded like she wanted me to nail down a job type I'm assuming it just makes her job easier. Thing is I'm interested in how enjoyable the school process actually is the more I look at school websites the more I notice the differences in the caliber of their programs but also if I do end up doing something online some formats are way more organized and user friendly than others. I am thinking ABOUT all of this. Some schools look like they present their programs in a way that is more engaging. This is important to me. I know the school advisor I talked to with today doesn't care about that she is just doing her job. She is very knowledgeable though.

* They just want to know where I am going to end up.
*I'm thinking about how my next year is going to look and feel. Am I going to be happy or miserable in these classes.

I do hope I can get a good education out of this process not a crap degree. The community college business management BA degree I was looking at around 3 AM was on closer inspection a crap degree I think. No body would take it seriously. It's for managing a McDonalds.

Okay well I know what I don't want to do.

*** I think I need to discuss the option of self paying or grant funds whatever for the first quarter. Like my friend said she was worried this process is going to put her more into the hole with daycare. My unpreparedness might do the same to me. Timing is such a big freaking concern.

[Meh]

* applied for admissions to a community college

* I know of 2 other coworkers that are going back to school also

* plan to get laptop fixed end of this month before warranty is gone, it overheats badly, like fire hazard hot 

[Meh]

Almost 3 AM tired but laying awake in bed.

[lighter]

Brain doc says wearing blue blocker eyeglasses 2 hours before bedtime helps with light and electronic use messing up sleep patterns.

Sleeping in a room without electronics is better.

Putting our phones far away from us, when we sleep.

Melatonin... just a little.... can help, and did help my oldest dd for years.

Sometimes I take a Benadryl or two.

Writing out my goals, and worries before bed, helps me calm down.  I think my brain works on those things while I sleep sometimes.

I honestly fall asleep pretty easily when I have Youtube videos playing.  That didn't used to be the case, but it is now.  I watch funny things, not heavy sad things. 

What do you do when you have trouble sleeping, G?

Lighter

[Meh]

Thanks for the tips Lighter. It's unusual for me to have trouble sleeping like this, I do sleep I just end up taking a long nap later in the day but it messes up my schedule. It's just I've put myself under a lot of pressure all of a sudden, I hope its "positive stress". Stress nonetheless.

Today I was noticing more just my emotional ups and downs. Not entirely sure what that is about or where it comes from. I think it's important, because I will get on a down note and then make decisions while I am on a down note. Recently I've more just decided to wait it out but keep momentum.

[Twoapenny]

Oh G, it does sound like a lot of stress to deal with, so many things to think about and so many unknowns to try to factor in.  It's a shame it's so time pressured, is that because it's tied in with an out of work scheme type thing?  It's frustrating when their aim is to just get you signed up (so they can sign you off, presumably) whilst your aim is to make the most of it and give yourself a good chance in the future.  I hope there is a course that just kind of ticks your boxes and is accessible to you as well.  Working for a museum or community arts programme sounds lush   I hope there is something there that ticks all the right boxes for you xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I think the emotional ups/downs are par for the course when you're seriously trying to navigate something new to you that can have such an impact on your life.

You said something that gave me an idea - talking about the difference between the advisors' wish to get you signed up for SOMETHING. Anything. They know how easy it is, to change your mind about programs, once you're going to classes.

You instead, want some reassurance that you're going to enjoy the school experience and content of the classes; because you are making the leap to thinking that will mean you'll like working in that kind of area. You already know how much is riding on your decision for you personally - those intangible things. That's good to know. And maybe you should try actually listing those kinds of things that you hope for in the process of education and graduation and finding a new job. Maybe that will clarify things for you. Those kinds of things are addressed SLIGHTLY more a 4 yr school. (It's still pretty disingenuous.) Thing is, you often don't know if you'll be interested in something or like it until you TRY IT. And the opposite is sometimes also true: you find out later that this thing you were so enamored with has some aspect of it, you absolutely detest. LOL. Life; it ain't for the shy or hesitant it seems, a lot of times.

But community colleges and even some Uni's are now focusing more on whether they can find you a program of study where actual jobs exist. And trying to match people up with where the need is. That is another way of approaching your decision. And at some point, you're just going to have to say - well, I've done the due diligence and research... and this is my best guess and strongest inclination RIGHT NOW. And just do it.

Because you're not locked into that; you can change programs or major later. No harm, no foul. No judgement either. It happens a LOT.

ETA: once you are a "student in good standing" - all schools have a mega-amount of support available to you, and financial aid options open up some then, too. Check out work-study programs. You're already on campus and generally speaking your work hours will be adjusted around your class schedule. Grants are good things, but read the fine print. Sometimes they won't cover living expenses. Loans are really problematic these days - but still exist as a last resort to get you to the goal.

[Meh]

Yep Two it's an out of work scheme thing for certain. "worker retraining".

Thanks Skep. I just need to make up my freaking mind within the vague time and option constraints of the programs. more than one program that might not mesh together time wise.

Looks like a big ol educational smorgasbord though what's the saying "Every silver lining has a touch of gray"... and then I will get by until eating too many corn dogs catches up with us... or something.

[Twoapenny]

Yep Two it's an out of work scheme thing for certain. "worker retraining".

Thanks Skep. I just need to make up my freaking mind within the vague time and option constraints of the programs. more than one program that might not mesh together time wise.

Looks like a big ol educational smorgasbord though what's the saying "Every silver lining has a touch of gray"... and then I will get by until eating too many corn dogs catches up with us... or something.

Is it starting to get any clearer, G?  I find it hard to make decisions when I have a time pressure added, I hope you're doing okay xx

[Meh]

Nope Two it's not clear. I think I just need to keep taking steps in a constructive direction even inside the fog.

[Meh]

I've recently had some moments of sleep rage. Only get it rarely once so many years. It's like road rage but instead it's sleep rage when one is having a hard time falling asleep or being woken up against my will when I need more rest.

I'm having a beer, haven't had one in a good few weeks but I am so high strung I think my jaw muscles are going to slingshot my jaw bone out of my face. I should probably be eating low carb stuff since I'm old enough now to be pre-diabetic. Beer is not a great choice.

I've never had road rage.

With sleep rage my heart just starts pounding wildly and I find myself acting like a crazy bitch from hell.

Intense anger is not something I get too often. I do feel like things are wildly out of control right now and I'm just going to accept that for the moment.

It occurs to me the crazy heart pounding and freak out very much seems like the flip side of a panic attack, so I guess I realized this is probably just the fight version of flight or fight.

I have done or tried tactical breathing a few times this week!!

Bad news is I got unfocused on school stuff and felt so awful today from tossing and turning that I ditched an early morning appointment that has a long wait time to get again. It's possible it may have been cancelled anyhow cuz the person had a family emergency. Oh well.

Anyhoo. I'm behind on everybody's posts now. Finished reading this book though. it's chick escapism.

https://www.amazon.com/Bookshop-Shore-Novel-Jenny-Colgan/dp/0062850180/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=bookshop+on+the+shore&qid=1566358882&s=gateway&sr=8-1

And now I am tearing up because life is so fucking stressful sometimes.

I walked out in the dark some guy either thought I was looking for pokemon or was casing the joint. NEITHER. I told him I was walking for stress reduction.

feel tired but not sure I can sleep gonna get ready for bed anyhow

[sKePTiKal]

Ah G... hugs. I know this is important to you, as I would certainly hope it is. But making yourself all wound up isn't a required sacrifice to the Gods to "make it so". It just makes you all wound up and starts up the old self-sabotage feedback loops.

You're gonna be JUST FINE getting through this process - but don't expect it to make sense (now) or even go smoothly or quickly. Sit tight, relax a little, and be patient. All will be well - or at least managable. It's safe to let yourself feel proud of yourself for starting the process and a little happy about it; happy anticipation for the first day of school.