Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

Buck got his orders. Report the 24th. Take covid test on 17th and again when he arrives. And radio silence for 7-10 days. So worst case, back August 3rd. Then they need to process his retirement. Somehow I'm imagining a few glitches in that process.... despite the fact that this year he needs to sign up for social security. Breathing.

I haven't said much, coz with the heat wave, I've had to find things to do inside. And that involved a lot of head work. Which hasn't exactly been comforting. But I have options. And I cleared a lot of old tangled cobwebs too. Breathing.

Hol's healing up well and got back to mowing today; she and I solved a repair issue on the mower today. Her head is in a peaceful place. She has friends coming to camp at the Hut site to help her move next weekend. She THINKS it'll be time. I hope so... contractor is already 6 weeks past when he thought they'd be done.

Lots of change going on. Quickly. I'm rolling with it. Some days easier than others. But one thing I've recently learned is that making sure I'm totally safe and guarded and never taking any risks.... isn't exactly "living".

And I'm choosing living. No matter what ELSE pops up on my radar.

[Hopalong]

I'm so awed by you, Amber.
But this risk you're taking DOES sound as though it's grounded in a lot of layers of compatibility, deep and honest communication, and mutual desire.

August THIRD is very near! I am thrilled for you, and for B, and for A&B.

You are bold but conscious, in love and reasonable.

You have found your Outlander, my girl.

This is just beautiful and encouraging and uplifting to think about.

So very happy for you. You've been steady and true to yourself.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I believe so, Hops.

I know it's unleashed a flood of crap left over in my head & heart, from years & years of putting up & shutting up & letting other people tell me who to be, how to act and what I'm supposed to want. As it comes up... it flows away. There's still a decontamination process to go through. But I'm no stranger to cleaning up toxic muck.

It'll help me discern present from old experiences in my feelings. I KNOW I'm not experiencing those things with B.
And that's just unusual enough to catalyze this "further processing" I'm going through. At this rate, I'll be done with it before he gets back. Another short busy month after that - then, he and I can figure out everything else together, in peace & privacy.

[sKePTiKal]

This is the point of most friction/stress in a time of big change. Getting started, getting finished... letting go one set of conditions and getting familiar with the new one. I'm a tad depressed - maybe just a little sad, and definitely lethargic. It feels a lot like just after Mike died... and I only did what I had to do, to live every day but was nowhere near dealing with his accounts or estate. As much as I've wanted my house all to myself again - and the space back - I'm going to miss Hol's presence here. It's been almost 2 years now.

We're already talking about how often we need to get together and just empty our heads, brainstorm ideas, or resolve issues. Some of that is "as needed"; but because her partner isn't exactly communicative with her - when she needs to verbalize stuff in her head she relies on me to listen and feedback.

So on the plus side of the Hol living here experience... we are even closer than we were, in that we've cleared up a lot of old misunderstandings, done some historical deep dives into our shared past experiences, and both of our "buttons" are less reactive than they used to be. We have found the standalone principles that we absolutely agree on and are committed to, despite varying political inferences (I wanted to write interferences... sigh.)

But her need to be always busy and physically active has completelly disrupted what I had going - and was working on - in the area of self-motivation. I'm going to have see if I can remember what that consisted of again; and since I'm doing an extremely deep self-reflection/introspection right now - coz both Hol & I indirectly have changed each other (this feels much clearer and cleaner than it was before; even though it was pretty good then too) - and we're starting to both adjust to new space boundaries, with the move coming up - it's a great time for me to take stock of the things that have changed about me.

A lot of my hostess hangups are gone; all of her friends are quite accomplished and self-sufficient and accustomed to pitching in when they're visiting. I am particularly fond of her widowed friend M. We clicked right away and it might be because she lost her mom a few years prior to me meeting her. She's very giving and insightful and strong so we've shared a few things we have in common about loss.

Because of the two big dogs, Mr. Freddy-Big Purr-Cat and Steve/Hol in and out all the time... I've had to completely re-orient the priority of keeping the house clean. I'm aware of it; I care; but we still have bigger things to give our time to. When she's completely moved; then I'll spend the days required to do a deep clean.

I've learned to be a lot more open and less apologetic about talking about my feelings; expressing some difficult topics too... and navigating those conversations more neutrally.

I once again appreciate the restorative value to total silence - LOLOL. B likes it too. I've acquired some new music - again - from Hol's eclectic playlists. And I've gotten comfortable with just letting go - and Hol will often just jump in and make dinner, or brunch... taking over that role for a day or two.

I'm really really missing B's energy; just his presence - it's like instant relaxation magic for me. I've become aware of just how much tension I'm holding when he's not here, because of the sedative effect of his presence. It's steady calm and quiet; unperturbable - as opposed to my nervous/anxious zip-zip bouncing around. He gave me a large quartz crystal... I've been holding it in alternate hands when I'm resting; taking a break... whatever. It helps; almost feels like it's absorbing that energy and leaving me still. But then - my imaginative side has been super-charged lately.

Before this navel-gazing turns into procrastination (or any more procrastination) and being lazy... I need to address my post-it note of to-do items for today. Much as I'm enjoying just hanging out in this whole realm of "feelings"... the other stuff is necessary too... and time's a-wastin'.

[Twoapenny]

It sounds as though you've reached a clearish space after a lot of turbulence, Skep.  I'm really pleased for you.  I had no idea H had been there two years; it's seemed from this end just a few months?  My sense of time is obviously lost when I'm reading posts lol.  I'm glad you and she have had a good emotional sort out and got to a good place together.

I'm kind of seeing Buck as this big, calming, soothing blanket and I'm really glad he's been (and is) such a calming and positive presence in your life.  I hope things get to a point where you can spend more time together soon xx

[sKePTiKal]

It won't be long now, till he's here Tupp!

[sKePTiKal]

Something A&B had for each other, before we started seeing there was even a possibility of more than that between us - was actual respect for each other. It sounds like an old-fashioned concept... but it's not role-dependent. And I'm thinking it's the foundation of real unconditional love for each other.

He respected my attempts to do things way outside my experiential comfort zone and ability to fearlessly take on big projects and responsibilities (traditionally male areas of expertise) and still cover the nurturing side of "women's work". I respected his skills in those areas (not all guys are actually good at those things)- but more than that, his very active solo father-protector side was respect-worthy; the emotions that motivate him to take honorable actions. His very real "above & beyond" CARING about people and even critters was something he wasn't shy about expressing. And that's rare, I think. More rare than it should be.

After all - here's this steely-eyed combat hardened warrior who's seen things he won't describe in detail... and he can still be the most thoughtful, caring, gentle being.

I'm beginning to think, this is the first foundation that has to exist - and be demonstrated without resentments - in a relationship. Old-fashioned or not. Without respect, is reciprocal love real?

[Hopalong]

What an incredibly positive thing this is, Amber:

I've learned to be a lot more open and less apologetic about talking about my feelings; expressing some difficult topics too... and navigating those conversations more neutrally.

And a quote that made my knees fold (such a gift from the universe!):

his presence - it's like instant relaxation magic for me

May you absorb much of that calming focus and energy from B so that never, ever will you be without it. I know you are working to learn to give it to yourself, so you become your own source of peace.

But to have a B like that appear in your life, in this stage of life...what a gift.

I'm over the moon for you two.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I'm still doing a deep introspection through these next weeks, I think. I find Hol isn't a good person to talk this processing through with. She can't be objective enough. And she does tend to view what I'm saying through her own lens of emotions & experiences she's currently sorting out. I'm not second-guessing here or looking for something to fix; just trying to better understand this connection.

There isn't anything resembling a "red flag" anywhere in the total picture. But that doesn't necessarily mean that this is the absolute right thing for either of us. I sense he's kind of doing the same - since he's in quarantine till he gets on a plane. We're only touching base twice a day right now - coz it can be painful knowing we will have no contact for 10 days - LOL.

I sense that we're both sensitive to not wanting to disappoint each other. But we aren't betraying ourselves for connection either. Communication has been open, honest - for the moment we're in, even sometimes vulnerable. It's difficult for each of us to talk about the deep feelings - except to point at them, say "oh look, there they are"... we're gun-shy of those feelings, each of us. He's experienced deep rejection; I've watched relationships fall completely apart due to lack of nurturing - and the loss of a spouse, which completely up-ended my life. Those things make a person wary, not to the point of distrust... but hesitant; tentative; feeling things out. We both long for that deep connection again, is the sense I get.

I think it's likely that there are emotions we don't want to admit to ourselves; perhaps the depth of them instead. So there's been some tap-dancing around the topic of "just what do you want"; maybe more so on my part. I tend to be more "so what are you offering?" This connection took both of us by surprise - in it's suddenness, intensity, playfulness, comfort & ease, "too good to be true" flavor of it. But we've hung in there over a year, at distance - and that's made communication essential. We both are starting to know the "don't go there right now" signs in each other. And the other thing, looming over all of this is timing. We're delaying doing or saying certain things right now, due to circumstances. It's just not time yet.

Him, till the old commitments are done; fulfilled; and he's finally free to move on... me till Hol has moved into the Hut. For all she's a very perceptive little sprite - she MISperceives and superimposes her own twist on things that really are what they appear to be at face value. For us, anyway. Things may very well be different in her world; but then she tends to think that what's she's experienced is the ONLY thing that exists in reality. (She's at least aware that she wishes for things she hasn't yet experienced.)

So, we still aren't yet at the point we can actually create a "relationship"; that foundational structure of living daily life. We're both impatient for it to be time for that; LOL.  Because everything we have already established and know, feels like "more please". This hasn't been an easy year for either of us. LOTS of work - inner & outer - going on. What Tupp said about being "independent within relationship" is something we intuitively knew was our "style" - he's gone so far as to tell me it's one of the things he most appreciates about me. That I'm not a dependent sort; that I think for myself and will challenge his assumptions - even long-held beliefs and I don't need him to validate my mine (even though it's rewarding when he does). I can very well manage on my own without him - as I've made clear on some occasions. I tell him, it's so wonderful to know that when I can't be strong anymore - he will. But being independent doesn't diminish the strength or depth of the connection. It's "added value" not something at the expense of the connection.

No, I'm not processing all of this to create a plan of organization and management for "how it should go". LOLOL. That would last about 5 minutes with him. A LOT more spontaneous than I am. But that's changing. And I'm trusting it; relaxed with it. We're both changing - not to please the other, or in response to signals or requests - we just have that effect on each other. That effect is causing us to tap into parts of ourselves that have been on hold, for the right time and place... or was hidden because others didn't understand or accept it. It's like we're both "sleeping beauty" and being awakened to ourselves as "whole beings" instead of somehow "lacking" or incomplete.

He's not my type; at all. At least, as he presents himself. And honestly, at this point, I think that's a GOOD thing. It's  not that I've never known anyone like him; I have. But I never would've considered him "relationship material"; maybe a fling. I thought initially that's all this was. And when things got real between us, I had to rethink that first impression. I know I took him quite by surprise on several levels. He had no expectations of the sort when he first came to rescue me from my car problems. I didn't EITHER; I surprised myself. I am way too reserved & self-possessed to throw caution to the wind like that. Except this time, I recognized something in him I'd almost given up hope of ever coming across in life. When Hops says I've found my Outlander, that covers it.

I know we have enough of the basics in common to be compatible being together... and we're both brave enough and creative enough to figure out all the other stuff when nothing else is keeping us apart. We've both been tested too; on the level of commitment to each other; showing up for each other and being there through hard stuff.

I couldn't have dreamed this up if I tried; my imagination ain't THAT good... LOL.  But then, that whole intuitive side of me has had a very long nap and he's woken her up now... and she woke up into a whole different world than she was used to. Still getting my bearings, I think. I'm thankful he actually understands that side of me; recognizes her, too. Accepts her. Oddly enough, I find it's strengthening my trust in all the pragmatic, intellectual, practical side of me, too.

Go figure.

[Hopalong]

Awww, ((((Amber)))).

This hasn't been an easy year for either of us.

Lawd KNOWS it hasn't been!
And you feel a little wobbly, because even something wonderful that represents big change, or could, is scary.

You are so normal. Ha. Didn't expect that, didya?

I'm just feeling a whole lot of tenderness toward you both, and hope it's because I'm reflecting the vibes that are floating east from your mountain. (No idea where B is...underwater?)

You'd be weird if you had no fear at all, especially as the reality-choices come closer. I have complete faith you will be okay, whatever and however you decide things.

I am not confident that Hol-involved, Hol-hearing-the-layers, Hol-being-your-closest-confidante (because who else is handy on a mountain near not much, with no Amazon group yet for you in town?). This beloved chile matters, but she's also run you through this year, over and over, because of her own stuff.

So I feel protective of your privacy, and confident in your capacity, and hopeful you'll let the good in and keep the toxic out.

Ohhhh, Jamie..... LOL.

Big hugs, reassuring ones -- you are going to be OKAY. It doesn't have to be explicated or justified or understood-right-now-in-full to its toenails. A&B have a real thing going on. A lot of the good stuff will be UNEXPECTED. And you'll figure out how to navigate it.

A perverse thing to say, but I think at this point in life, sometimes happiness can have moments where the brain thinks: wait, can happiness be hard? Sure it can. Temporarily. It's messy to mix romance and LTRs into the actual daily mud. It's a process, not a produce. And even in the messiness, it's...well, that's up to you to fill in and decide about.

However it goes, be-all or be-now, you're still you. Don't lose that wonderful woman in the mix.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LTRs? Whatzit? (For a techie, I've become somewhat of a dinosaur...)

I'm glad you understand why I have to put those words somewhere besides my head Hops; I was definitely afraid maybe you wouldn't see it that way. I'm actively journaling; I'm commenting on some tarot card reader's videos (which is totally against my cyber security religion); talking to B as much as I can during the day without making both of us nutz... he's on quarantine after Covid test Monday; his D left to wait out his time away with friends yesterday; he leaves next Friday and will get tested again when he arrives where ever he's gotta be.

My friend Debbie has gone into hibernation, since I had to say no to her queries last couple times, about coming here for a weekend mental health break. She's got a lot of drama going on - between her job being shutdown, caring for her elderly mom, drama with her brother.... and I had drama going on here too. It's OK, we'll reconnect again and pick up where we left off and get caught up again.

I felt affinity for the woman Sheriff's deputy who was here with a partner looking for a missing kid yesterday. I think she recognized me from when I put in my application for CCW permit. Years ago now. I still didn't catch her name, but I recognized her too. They checked w/all my neighbors too, since we're the closest east - from the development where the kid lived and it's pretty much wide open woods... with our homestead outbuildings and such. Don't know if he was a runaway or what... but no sign of him here. Makes me think he met a pre-arranged ride. He's 14. No search & rescue kind of thing - just inquiries if we'd seen/heard anything. A month ago, it was neighbors looking for a pair of blind beagles that ran off and got lost; both Hol and I did hear them. There isn't a lot of what you'd call opportunities for a social life out here.

I've met Rick's wife Missy; I like her and we plan to invite both of them out for cookout when a lot of the work on the hut is done. I've met his Mom when she came out with Ronnie (Rick's brother) to hunt morels. Ronnie's wife wants nothing to do with his hunting friends. So we're on Ronnie's list of "get out for awhile" destinations. He's driving and starting to walk again.

I'm making a gentle but firm effort to separate from Hol these days; she is literally a couple weeks from moving into the Hut - and it'd be next week, if the contractor wasn't spread so thin right now. She's LOOKING for things to complain about, she's getting that frustrated. To be fair, contractor said they'd be done a couple weeks ago. The "downstream" effects of Covid on the supply chain has affected things like lumber availability. And shipping delays... and... weird stuff in shipping. She'd ordered a pedestal sink for the master bath; a week or two late - she got the base but no basin. Called the company; yesterday UPS brought the basin - someone put it in a box without any padding or even bubble wrap and it was porcelain confetti... she didn't accept it. It'll be another 3 weeks before they can get her another one.

But mentally/emotionally - I'm trying to create the new arrangement for her. In that, we each live our own lives here and don't have to share every last detail or thought in our heads with each other. 'Sides, we're going to miss little moments like when I got up for a bowl of ice cream with both caramel & chocolate sauce last night... and she was in the kitchen... and got that approving "oh YEAAAAAHH" look on her face... followed by giggles from both of us.

----------
I think the A&B experience is waking up the sleeping beauty emotional/intuitive me from it's almost lifelong slumber. And I find that disorienting and a little scary because the world has definitely changed since the days she had to go to sleep. That's part of what's new, scary, exhilarating... and yet familiar at the same time.

In the Time of Twiggy - EVERYTHING about me was emotional and intuitive - and it was more than overwhelming; it disabled me from functioning. And so, the "taboo" about accepting that side of myself as valid, real, and important was created. It wasn't balanced; but it was necessary at the time - because the age I was at, was crucial to acquiring the skills to be a functioning, autonomous, adult. Has it affected my relationships? Ya, you betcha.

Back then, I needed my intellectual, practical, pragmatic side of my brain to survive and escape - and sort out - what living with my Mom was like; what home was like for me. And the easiest way to amplify that at my age then, was to push all the emotional side over "there" - and work hard to contain it's effect on me in favor of being a logical, rational being instead.

What's happening NOW, is that I feel safe - where I am, with the people around me, with myself - even that taboo side - and it's finally time to balance it, and step into the full power/caring of Amber. While I'm missing Buck every minute of the day... this time before he's really here is my chance to get this process established for myself. Integrating; fusing it or forging it into whatever that becomes. That's partly the effect B's had on me - not something he did or asked for or required - but the organic change of the chemistry between us. And it's partly finally just TIME for me to do this. The same thing is happening to him, but I haven't asked yet if he's noticed it. I have seen it though. He's engaging with people on our shared forum, on a daily basis... sharing his knowledge, his caring, and he's hilariously funny and entertaining. He's going one on one with the guys there, too... the ones who contacted him during the last hospital stay; who share the same interests. There's even a new one that's joined the crew who has more of a psych background that I connect with, too.

Hol has begun stepping up into her role/responsibility in her own way around here, the past couple years. And I'm keeping her in the loop on the business stuff too. So she KNOWS what/why about things that go on before it's her turn - if I can save it, that is. I start dealing with that today, too. Just discussions at this point... with lots of finger-crossing and sacrifices to the gods of commerce about the future. Which looks rather bleak, in all reality. But tough times can be survived... and that's my touchstone and goal here. I'm a firm believer in trying to work WITH conditions instead of against them and that requires the kind of intuition and far-seeing that I know this forsaken side of myself is quite good at.

And I'm going to start building the rock wall in the bedroom today too. And getting the master bedroom reno completed. Don't know how much I'm going to hang out with Hol's group of campers this weekend... but she DID order overnight delivery of crab cakes from her favorite place in B'more to cook over the fire in cast iron... LOLOL. One of them has my name on it.    I know most of this group; there's only a couple that are new to me - but that I've learned about from Hol's stories and experiences with them.

She knows what my rules are about inviting people here. She is abiding by them. (This has been planned for a month; she asked permission too.) Interestingly - Steve is my ally more on this subject that one would've expected. But on the other hand - of COURSE she wants to invite her friends out to stay; she IS a social creature and likes organizing adventures - like river tubing & hikes & picnics - for them. But it's mostly her close-in circle of people that she needs in her life - as much as she depends on them, too. I can't deny her that... but our situation is good for everyone having the space and privacy needed... and they even have an indoor toilet now (set temporarily) at the Hut!! LOLOLOL. We're not talking wild partiers here; Hol might be the wildest of the bunch... but even she's calmed down quite a bit since being out here. Again, Steve is an ally in that too. Despite the things that I think are huge negatives about him, I can be objective and appreciate when our interests coincide.

[sKePTiKal]

AHHHHHhhhhh....

splendidly quiet & leisurely evening, after the fixin's for their cookout were gathered and a brief bit of fireworks from the camp site down below. I did notice this morning that someone trekked up here in the middle of the night for her usual midnight snack... there is evidence of a bowl of choolate ice cream having been consumed after B & I finally stopped talking & closed our eyes. Which was LATE.

LOL - I think it was Hops mentioned texting. A mutual friend had told me a year or so ago, that B hated to text; to just call him instead. You can't prove it by me. LOL. There are so many texts back & forth between us on any given day - if it's been more than 4 hours since he's heard from me - he'll ask if I'm OK. LOLOL. I never used to carry the cell anywhere... now I'm shopping for shorts & pants that have a pocket the right size for my phone. Hol begged me to keep the phone with me - in case something happened. And I just never remembered. LOLOL. I think she's getting over thinking of me as decrepit - but it's taken a whole "campaign". With B, it's just a way to be together - across the states. To share our day - just as if we were physically in the same location.

Some fairly complex and sensitive emotional stuff has been worked out via text; on both sides. I think in SOME ways it's improved and facilitated communication between us. A way to sustain connection - without intruding much into whatever we're involved in, in meat space. Like an email - a message will just sit there until one can direct attention to it. There is a kinda of Pavlovian "answer the ringing phone" reflex too; but it's easily managed.

And mostly, our back & forth chats are the normal daily routine stuff people talk about in the mornings - what's your day look like? what do you want to do today? need a hand? and then in the evenings... it's more personal and funny and fun and sweet. The daily rituals... establishing how much space there is within the relationship for each of us to do our things - him, in the process of getting ready to move; me playing number cruncher to arrive at a path for helping the business to survive through this covid economic disaster without having to lay anyone off - but also not paying them for time when there is nothing to do at work, either. I'm just doing my homework and throwing brainstorm spaghetti ideas at the wall for now. It's probably going to require more than one "remedy". At least recently, that's what it's been like.

I can't possibly describe what a relief it is, that he doesn't expect me to be visually right where he is all the time. Or wanting/needing me to go out & run errands with him. I can go do what I want to do with my day. See other people; spend special time with Hol doing something...

and yet, when he was here for a week - only a week! - I couldn't tear myself away from just watching him, if there wasn't any need for me to help. I kept reaching out to touch him - YES; he's really real and he's really here!

And I completely lost my phone several times. But then, the other person I'm tethered to - Hol - was irately calling me, asking if I'd seen her txt message... LOLOLOL. It's become like Star Trek's communicators or two-way radios for us, even when she's home and in different buildings or in various parts of the property.

So much for old-time primitive living, huh?

[Hopalong]

I'm happy y'all text happily, Ms A!
Sounds like it's been a wonderful way to stay connected and in the present with B as this whole thing grew.

Dif'rent strokes make sense...I'm so wedded to my laptop it sometimes goes to the bathroom with me! But you couldn't pay me enough to text a lot. It's just small keys, fiddly feeling, and I'm so wedded to a traditional keyboard that I don't like it. And the compulsive checking that I already do online would get worse if I had a second source of it.

I'm grateful I have a cell for travel though, or being out and about. And to confirm time/location/meetups (back in the day when I did all that stuff).

I love summer. I'm still not active enough but I just love the light and the greenery.

hugs
Hops
BTW, "LTR" was a typo....I meant "LDR" for long-distance relationship. Ooops.

[sKePTiKal]

It is that, CB.

I worked in tech for 10 years; on call, 24-7 - even in blizzards; responsible for software and servers and campus wide upgrade planning. Oh, and training too. LOL. When I quit, I intentionally dumped a lot of that crap out of my head - deleted it and rewrote those sections of my internal hard drive (brain). The only aspect I kinda miss of it was working with databases and web applications. Sometimes, anyway.

Except for topic-specific discussion forums, I no longer have any social media accounts. I've do have an instagram account just to see my kids' pictures. Hol is a pretty good photog even with a phone. And her silly sick twisted sense of humor comes through a lot of times. Never filled out a profile; never uploaded anything and rarely will I comment.

Its actually a time-consuming and tedious process to get yourself removed from all that stuff. The texting is for me, more like a chatroom (which can move faster than I type) or instant messaging.... so it kinda provides that space for person to person interaction and connection. We only occasionally have issues with understanding a message - and that's usually coz of acronym usage or topic shift into something one of us is completely clueless about. And we're pretty good at conveying "tone" or the emotional undercurrent too.

Oddly, I can't stand the video message/conference software. LOLOL. I used to do some training with the earlier versions of that technology and a group of consultants was i in, also got together for meetings on certain projects that way. (People were distributed throughout the US and Europe.) For a personal conversation it just seems to be too.... something for me to feel comfortable.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, tensions are running kinda high with the contractor about finishing up the Hut. Honestly, 2-3 guys would be done and out of the way of plumbers & electricians in a week if they were just here the 4 days a week they work. Hol thinks she's been too nice about it... but contractor is over-extended for the crew he has and while he says he's trying to keep everyone happy -- Hol & I both know a) that's impossible and b) it will easier if you just wrap up what's close to "done" first... then you can distribute people over fewer jobs. Really and truly, 4 days of solid work, and appliance could go in and she move stuff in. There are STILL things to finish up outside... but she just wants to be in HER house.

She had friends come to camp down at the hut over the weekend and I was basically on my own up in my house... and loving it. I just had a full-on stop and with the abominable heat & humidity we've got... I needed it. Seems the heat just drains every ounce of motivation, energy & even caring out of me. I'm much more lively in -25 and blowing snow. LOLOL.

Buck leaves Friday for this training obligation - and as usual, a whole bunch of other life things dropped on him all at once while he was mentally preparing and going over all the safety protocols (it's been decades since he's done anything like this). So, I got a phone call late at night. Sent him a message this morning about how stressful the ending of a cycle, moving, sending a kid out of the nest, and basically starting your life all over again can be. I should know. LOLOLOL. How many times have I juggled that many things all at once? Then, I reminded him - all that is easier with a partner, even if all you need is moral support and a willing, caring ear.

He's calmer this morning, and still not quite balanced - but he's getting there. He has a new primary care doc, that he's paying out of pocket for, and this one seems to be quite good. He told B there are 4-5 OTHER antibiotics that should've been tried and for 2 weeks longer on each course, to completely clear the infection he got from the hospital. Hospital staff told him it would lay dormant and flare up again & again. New doc said: not so. So, keeping my fingers crossed. That hospital is also responsible for the recurrent meningitis problem, too. Started with faulty surgeries, escalated to faulty med devices... it's all finally a lot clearer in my mind what happened and what kind of lack of accountability there is at that place. As it stands, he still has to have one more outpatient surgery to relocate the paddles of the stimulator on his vertebra -- the surgeon put them in the wrong place. (And I hesitate to think they will get it right THIS time either.)

I can't decide if society has reached the point of over-complexity that total entropy is setting in... or what. But I started noticing years & years ago... that it seemed caring about doing a good job on a LOT of things just didn't seem to be a priority anymore with a lot of people.

Oh, and there is some real disturbing news out in my tiny little chunk of the world. Last weekend, some deputies showed up to ask if we'd seen a 14 yr old boy who'd gone missing... or noticed anything odd around here. Hol had already seen flyers posted at the stores listing him as "endangered" - but not why. The family is from Connecticut, so that might be why... unfamiliar environment for the kid (just moved here in march) or there was something else going on... and this week the search is over. They found remains that look to be him, in a shallow grave near his home. It's just over my west ridge... and down the hollow to the SW. STILL too close for comfort. A couple of older teens are suspects; one was already arrested for burglery.

And I think I saw those two teens, 2 weeks before. B & I had run to the convenience store and I was waiting in the truck for him. Kids walked out minding their own business and started heading up the road on that side of the ridge. But I got an instant totally creeped out by evil feeling from them. So much so that even with the windows down in the truck I felt I needed to lock the damn doors. Now - this doesn't happen to me much. Even when I'm in Baltimore, downtown, and at night time. I'm careful; yes. But this hit like a huge wave of "evil" to me... and all I figured it was, at the time, was just me being tired and letting my imagination run away with me. I told B about it and he said he picked up something similar from them. I don't ever pick up feelings like that when I'm out & about. I think my spidey sense kicked in.

But I haven't called the sheriff... coz it's not exactly helpful for them. That poor kid. I don't yet know what all the story is about him, but when the deputy said they were checking all the wooded areas around here... didn't even know what he was wearing... well, I could easily suppose he was hungry and scared if he was running away from an immediate threat. Or that he got a ride from a friend to get back to an estranged parent maybe?? I never would've expected him to be killed. I'm sure once more details are public - the story will be even more sad. Hol and I just let it all sink in yesterday... but we're going to have a talk soon about security and change a few things around here.