I just re-read this whole thread and was again, so blown away by the kindness and generosity every one of you flooded it (me) with.
THANK YOU, AMAZONS.
I felt as though you are a group of 3-D friends who just appeared one day when I was having a tough time and just made the support and UNDERSTANDING so very real. I felt valued and cared about and loved and can't tell you adequately how great you all are. I am mentally passing out excellent microbrews or vigonier.
Holy moly. I feel so lucky that in a time like this, I have y'all to talk to every single day, right here. I don't know how anybody gets through a pandemic without their own Board.
I apologize for not responding to each specific post in adequate detail; I'd prefer to. I think the topic was so vulnerable that I just felt drained afterward and wanted to let it sit. But I want you to know that I've read and re-read everything you said. Here are a few early reactions, too briefly:
Tupp, you talking about me needing a bit of help with home organization being like any other health care need was so helpful. It's true, if I needed some other kind of support due to a medical issue, I wouldn't shame myself for that. But for some reason I've beaten myself up for years over ADD traits I really can't help. Huh. And thank you for the empathy, which comes through as so genuine and heartfelt. So I can dish it out and need to learn to take it in, too. Thank you. And just for your tremendous, reflexive kindness. If I lived in your neighborhood I'd be on your stoop just like the little kids, the cats who know a safe zone when they feel one.
Amber, I didn't get it at first, when you wrote about returning shame where it belongs, and that maybe in some way I have been absorbing shame that belongs elsewhere. I wondered who, how, etc.
Then it hit me this morning as I tackle morning reading....I think on some deep level I've been feeling ashamed of America. I read so much news, I've always identified with the capital because it's within a day's drive and I spent a lot of time there at different points, full of awe when I was young (I recall the wonder I felt visiting my Dad at the Pentagon during his post-war assignments there in summers--those huge long halls and people so grave and purposeful) and all the beautiful institutions, and the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian, museums...and in some way, watching the government now fail and fail and fail (especially fail its character tests) while so many suffer -- at times it feels very personal. Like, how can we go from a place that held such shining ideals, to THIS? I know what has happened and I know we'll eventually rebuild and/or reform, but a lot of lingering naivete is gone. Bitterness will get us nowhere, and I worry how many are stuck believing nothing can ever change. (I actually think it's more like the Chinese theory of chaos meaning opportunity, so I DO have hope. But jeez, how far can we push it.)
I really do think I've been feeling ashamed for America. And that's not my job! I've been a very responsible citizen. Even if not an activist (except through writing), I have always taken civic duties and community quite seriously. I need to do more, locally, and think once I restart that, even if it's just participating in a from-home voting phone bank to contribute to the election, that will recede. Helping reduces helplessness.
What you wrote about where does the shame belong is what got me started on that train of thought. Thank you. (And personally, there's no time like age 70 to check back on early childhood!...I recall telling my T last week that I think the dissociative anxiety I felt those few times that M really dressed me down verbally...came from early absorption of the religion on my poor mother's side. It wasn't explained or lectured so much as felt, emotionally, that the judgment (hellfire and brimstone, my tortured preacher grandfather's message) or something else terrible and deserved would be laid on anyone who wasn't perfectly good (and in her distorted personality, her anxiety was constant like an electrical hum). So when M would do his short but cold little "lecture" on what was wrong with my character, I think it took me back unconsciously to that place, where I felt paralyzed by a subtle horror of how a text, a speech, a flood of condemning language...could really actually condemn someone! I didn't realize how any of that religious sludge was still lingering in my psyche. I certainly no longer believe that way.
Hmmm. I might make productive use of pandemic time examining the shreds of my spirituality, even. I think there's some very-undefined good stuff that remains that I might be able to REclaim for myself, by making it my own and trusting it. Thank you for asking that penetrating question.
Huh. That might even fit in with why I feel shame at times over disorder at home. My Nmom was a fine housekeeper. Maybe I didn't realize I'm still comparing myself to her in any way. But when I think about HER anxiety, I have compassion. Time to give myself some.
Lighter, that's the core of your reminder too -- compassion for self. Thank you very much for reminding me. It's weird the way that's my biggest repeated message for everyone else in my life. And I somehow let it fall away for myself, even though it's the heart of my positive beliefs, and the heart of hope, and the heart of relationships and caring and community.
The way you work it through aloud (a-written) is really vivid and I can see how it works. AND how hard you work AT it. That's inspirational, even if the details vary in how one gets there. Thanks for modeling what you do for you. I can "see" you smirking at shame and unkind self-judgement and perfectionism, busting it for what it is. I know that perfectionism and fear underlie a lot of anxiety and shame, and it's good to remember that. Challenge the inner MAHTHA Stewart to shuddup and siddown. She's like Whack-a-Mole, isn't she?
CB, I don't compare myself directly in a shaming way to any individual, so no my dear, your life and the images of order and beauty I always find when I think about you...are NOT a source of shaming comparison, I promise. I just find you wise and inspirational, always, and one of the forms that takes is me fantasizing a lot of creativity and beauty (if not perfect order, okay!) in your home. I'm not there so I'm sure I'm making it up....but hey, not bad to be imagined that way, is it?
I talked with you sooooo much about my little house when I first got it, and you "saw" it with me so closely and happily. Also, you're a friend who really DOES see beauty (no coincidence you have done flower arranging professionally) and I like thinking about that when I think about you!
I'll bet you understand the toxic religion leftovers especially well. I'm inspired by how profoundly you have processed and untangled that...you were so much deeper into that life and it had such a massive impact on you. And yet I really do believe you that you stopped carrying the brainwashed shame. It's inspiring to me, and thank you for sharing your journey. You can't imagine how helpful that is.
((((G)))) You remind me of Winston Churchill. My favorite Churchill anecdote that always made me laugh, was the way he would answer a ringing telephone during the Blitz when he was down in the bunker. He would pick up the receiver and growl into it: "Come STRAIGHT to the point."
And you so often do that and I loved this:
Maybe some people have more energy and others less for reasons beyond our understanding.
I do like moving the pebbles around with my nose until I notice there's a path involved. But sometimes I just need to roll over onto the grass and stare up at clouds and let it all go, not understand every damn thing. Thank you!
hugs all,
Hops (Feeling much much better if not quite shameless. The shameless one is Pooch, who sleeps most of the day and never apologizes.)