'23 - The Adventure Continues ;)

[Hopalong]

Thinking of you and B today, Amber, and hoping B heard two days ago that his insurance would cover the permanent implant procedure. So now you and Hol and B might be on your way to get 'er done. I hope so.

Meanwhile, itching to tell you I rented Women Talking on Prime and it's among the best $6 I've ever spent. I think in a way many dialogues here have held elements of what those women went through in the 1920s. SO moving, fascinating and real. I've never seen the subject addressed in any film or TV show in a way that includes the element of spirituality, and for that time, their words were very believable. Remarkable movie with amazing actors.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Just watched it again last night with my friend Debbie. Not that I was all that focused on it - sigh. Long story.

And B's surgery was rescheduled to the 31st; surgery was approved but NOT the anasthetic required... go figure. Doc won't do it without... so far, he's handling the disappointment & frustration better than I am.

[Hopalong]

Damn.
I hope there are options to get the anesthetic that won't bankrupt him or you.

It's enough to make one go postal, or go medical...

Fingers crossed that between now and then you'll win coverage. How f*ing infuriating.

Grrrrrrrrr,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

We'll get some answers on Thursday Hops. Thanks.

Meanwhile, Hol & S are having a soap opera meltdown of epic proportions. He couldn't be bothered to help her clean up after the chimney fire (which he wasn't here for)... and criticized HOW she was cleaning. Add to that, the fact that he's only financially contributed to their household expenses for 2 months out of 4 years.... and well, one look at her face reveals how pissed off she is. Justifiably so, IMO. BUT... she continues to make excuses for him, and allow for his procrastination - and he's comfortably living a cushy life while she does all the "have tos". Yes, he plants and does things... but ONLY what he wants to do. He's manipulated her into tolerating this, because she has self-describe "abandonment issues". (Yeah, we'll speak about that at some point because it dismissing all the years I've had her back. Right now, she has enough to sort out.) He still hasn't helped her get started on building the greenhouse - that HE said they needed. Pieces have been sitting 2 years in her garage.

Fortunately there will be a couple days' peace, as S is off working again. B & I have a busy week, and I have to put on some other hats for awhile and get busy.

[Hopalong]

Ouch. Wouldn't know whether to comment or not in your shoes...
given my very recent "slips" I'd say not, but it must be really hard to watch.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I hope the delayed surgery goes forward with the best possible outcome. Lord knows, it's years overdo.

I don't know what you can change in this equation.  Maybe, consider a Go Fund page, sooner than later,  to fill the known gaps you're encountering.

B has a long road.....one surgery won't be the end of his needs.....drug refills....whatever comes next shouldn't depend on the VA decision makers, imo.

Sorry to hear Hol's suffering.  I hope she figures it out soon.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

No financial issues, Lighter - thankfully.
But, you know how much groceries have gone up - and he will only eat certain things, but expects her to pay for everything. He's worked a lot, but there hasn't been any work for Hol since last year. (And for her, this is a separate issue; she doesn't do well in an unstructured environment.) And without his assistance, one person can't do all the things on her project list. It's just physically impossible. And our offered help has been rejected.

This has been building over a couple, three years. I've listened to the complaints repeatedly - alternatiing with the "compassion and tolerance" for "who he is" excuses, too, whenever the decision she's faced with is concisely presented to her. But, again... she seems to be shifting the responsibility for the decision to him instead of accepting that she has the agency to choose, all by herself. (Maybe that's behind her idea that she has abandonment issues??)

But just because a person may have (or may using the implication that they have to manipulate) underlying unspoken about, untreated and unresolved trauma or "issues"... to me, it seems possible to release said person kindly - simply because one can't live that way. Reciprocity seems to be a concept from a foreign universe to him.  She CAN choose to simply not allow any partner into her life... without becoming some monster. (see: women talking movie)

Maybe that's a skill I picked up when I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship. Dunno. I don't think it's something "special". It was a choice I made about my life and it took effort, work and a bit of luck. And it still wasn't perfect.

But, respect and loyalty, IMO are still the basic building blocks of "love". As a society or culture, I think we've seldom done a great job at teaching this to kids. We all have stories of how we were fooled, let our own feelings blind us to the reality, etc.

She's a smart kid; creative too. She'll figure it out.

[Hopalong]

I couldn't tolerate being, feeling totally alone within the circle of a relationship.

I understand this, and have so admired how you made that choice, Amber. I stayed with M too long partly because of fear of not having resources for a safe future. The internal pressure to leave just got stronger than that fear (which I still live with, but without any regret on that relationship decision). Comes a point we all look in the mirror and recognize what we can live with and what we can't. Or can and won't, rather.

My fierce refusal to be that controlled won't comfort me, when illness and death approach. Especially since I have zero family or person in my life who'll be there for sure. It's been the loneliest and hardest thing to face but I'm doing all I can do hold it close and decide that I can (repeatedly) make peace with reality. This is the price of admission to a life with dignity and reciprocity. If either is under assault, game over. Dignity may be out of my control one day, but I can still make hard choices.

I hope Hol doesn't spend decades trying to realize (in both senses -- make real) her own worth. She's lucky you love her and support her regardless of how stuck she gets. Very lucky.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, from what we talked about last night - she gets it. A couple days alone, a slower pace of cleaning up - and a coincidental connection refresh with an old friend of hers, helped. She has another old friend, that even lives close (a surprise), to go blow steam off with.

Seems this latest blowup between her & S, in the lingering existential ripples of the fire... catapulted her inner work in some surprising directions. She HAS to verbally express things before she begins the real life work, and that's done and polished now. So, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping that I can keep some distance from her for a stretch of time. She is driving us in DC traffic to B's surgical appt. next Friday. Assuming his bureaucratic snafu is untangled.

But, things are still going forward around here on spring chores. Still.

[Hopalong]

How is B?
How is Hol?

How are YOU?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Exhausted, about sums it up.

Left the farm around 8 am; arrived to surgicenter an hour early. They took B back upon arrival. Hol drove. Since S was working at the big event center across the highway, they had lunch and a walk together. I read. At 2, I got called back so surgeon could speak to me.

Because B has so much scar tissue on his back (30 some surgeries) Doc couldn't find any place, with a reasonable chance of healing in the leads for a spinal stimulator. Option 1 was, implant a dorsal stimulator instead - leads would go to a different location but also be directly on the nerve. Doc believes this will offer the same level of relief as the other kind. OR, we scrap the surgery that day and start a search for an orthopedic spinal surgeon who was willing to perform longer, more invasive technique on the spine section that is caged (and grown over with bone) -- which I'd guess would take us a 6 month delay, if not longer. So, I made the executive decision for option 1.

They finally got him awake around 3:30. Neither he or I had eaten, so we serendipitously found a Bob Evans on the way home. Hol comes by her moniker of "The Wheelman" honestly. It was a long way home from the DC area on a Friday at rush hour. And she was doing pretty good talking to guy who'd been under for the whole afternoon. It was a long night too - getting him comfortable enough to sleep; me unwound enough to sleep. He just woke up; I'm still groggy. But all in all, I think it went well. It was essentially a 12 hr day.

Hol & S benefitted from a days-long separation while he worked. Talking has been taking place; he helped her move her piano into the hut before he went to work, this week. She's coming clear and has made up her mind what she will/won't accept behavior wise from him...  and then leaving him to choose if that's what he wants. We're supposed to get high winds today/tonight... and fortunately, I prepped enough that we can stay home until the pharmacy opens Monday. I'm battening hatches and making cookies for him, today. It'll be a few more days before we'll be able to tell if the dorsal stimulator is going to work well enough for him. In the meantime, I'm back to wound care and healing him up. (oh year; taxes too)

Now that we're PAST this, the 6-ton turkey buzzard that's been sitting on my head is shifting off of me - taking it's unspecified reek & dread with it. I'm TIRED. I want to restart the movie he was too anxious to watch, Thursday night... and just be slugs today. I got good steaks from the local butcher, so dinner is easy.

He's already tilled my whole garden, and I need to get potatos and onions in, and my handful of cole crops too. I have seeds to start and a medicinal herb garden to design, plant & seed. I have more bare root stuff coming the middle of the month. And equipment shed and her greenhouse to build... and the studio deck to demo & replace.

[Hopalong]

So hopeful the dorsal stimulator will work for B, and that we'll soon hear stories about how a man out of pain gets a spring in his step and a smile on his face.

And hope you'll be as nurturing of exhausted Amber as you are of him. I envy your fitness, I'll be honest.

Happy hugs and planting and to-dos!

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... we'll see how much  fitness I have as I try to catch up with the garden & outdoor chores. LOLOLOLOL.

The stimulator is doing what it's supposed to and he is adjusting to the new physical reality. Off the pain pills for the incision, too. He's already back troublshooting the starter on the backhoe.

S got the bobcat stuck again, but thinks he can get it out. Hol is still skeptical of his commitment and consequently reaching out to her community of friends. She's planning a ladies' only May day weekend for the end of the month. I am planning, costing out the tally for studio improvements that need to get done SOONEST...

and just trying to breathe. B is on the same wavelength as I am about living each day doing what we can to further the functional goals around here... without killing ourselves doing it. It's a good pace for me.

I've still got a LOT of resistance in my head about food production. Due, I think, to Ex#2's expectation that I would do everything myself... by hand, no power tools.    I'm really not a fan of aceticism. Not when the equipment is affordable and common enough to save time & calories. But, it's time I either shit or get off the pot about this. I am good at it, I do enjoy it... and it helps with the budget.

Of all things, finding comfortable work clothes seems to be my biggest "excuse". 

[Hopalong]

Or...get halfway off the pot with one cheek hanging over. Buy a bidet seat. Enjoy the half-assed go! (My am I witty today.)

Aren't we glad we're NOT MARRIED to Ex #2 or his vision of how things have to be?

I vote for all sorts of capitulations to good changes as they come to you in life, and since you are NOT enthusiastic about total food production and you can afford simple, available alternatives to all kinds of intermediate steps....I don't see the reasonableness in not honoring your gut. Maybe save total self-sufficiency goals for the zombies? You're not going to get any readier by wearing yourself out.

Your gut might be wanting something else at the mo', if your inner chore list would ever stop rolling. It's great you and B are same page, but you're going to drift off the page sometimes for one Amber reason or another, that needs only a simple explanation, not a justification. He will no doubt do the same at some point. You don't OWE anybody at all to be same page all the time. (That's Hol's issue, struggling for her emotional autonomy, imn-ho.)

Big hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, the onions were planted Monday. Rained last night; good soaking rain. I've got topsoil for a couple nice plants to anchor the eventual herb garden... and can get a truckload of topsoil for about $400. I'm planning to form up hardware cloth, line it with weed barrier in between the boulders to make pockets for the herb beds.

None of that is planned out, mapped... it's just an organic, "plant by feel" idea in my head.

B is beginning to motivate a little more; tomorrow is the post-op visit, so he'll probably be cleared to pick up the pace a little more... close to what he is used to. Hol's realized too, that mowing needs to commence shortly. I still haven't started my tomato & pepper seeds... sigh... but maybe this weekend. The herbs, I'm starting later & plan to keep them in pots for a winter, before planting out. Most of 'em anyway.

Whee.... I am pretty busy these days.