Old Topic just same Fing narcissism

[Meh]

Oh, I don't have hope. I'm not fond of that mental game. I just dont bother. Everything is just tasks for me these days. Mundane daily tasks is 100% what gets me through life.

I was able to:

- Talked to a neighbor and asked her if she wanted to rent out the bottom part of her house. We chatted she said she has been considering how to make the bottom area more private though currently she has to travel though the area. Oh well, it was a random thing. I genrally hate knocking on people's doors. She is ultra-personable though. The downside and upside is she is like the grapevine. Shrug.
- Set up a doctors appointment for June though I don't know if I will keep it at least it's on the books. The lady who set up the appointment at the office said a long time ago when she had medicaid they had to declare her dead for some reason because medicaid couldn't correct her name being mispelled in the system. I don't get it. She said she then had to have doctors create written verification that she was alive but with the wrong name in the sytem.
- Set up storage that makes me want to throw my stuff away and I probably will anyhow. Took Maybe eight-ish boxes etc. Required two trips because I didn't jam my car full and it's not that big. Waste of money but whatever. Never done that before. Give them the credit card. Punch the keypad. Open the gate. Get back in car and drive in. Park get some boxes out. Lock car. Do key pad thing again. Go in. Open lock. Go back out to car get more stuff. Lock car again. Click key pad again. Go in. Stack up some dumb boxes and then lock it and get in car drive to exit gate do key pad thing AGAIN to get out. Okay so 1) I still have my car keys AND 2) I have the lock keys. As long as I don't F it up and forget something. I am so disorganized when I am stressed out. Oh, I went to get a cup of coffee, tried to clean out my car, tried to write some notes on a pad of paper. Tossed some junk in the garbage. Went to the hardware store and bought a lock which was the wrong kind so the storage place charged me 3 times as much. Whatever What Fing ever.

Cooked dinner. Was thinking to myself what happened to my plan of not cooking anything this week. Why did I cook pasta? Why did I feel inclined to use it up as if I won't be wasting food anyhow when I clean out the fridge. Doesn't matter but I'm really tired.

It's almost 9 pm maybe I should sleep. OR I should drink a lot of water right now. Stick my headphones on and look for my birth certificate because actually now I just remembered I need to find that. The little grocery store is closed had the thought that really I should just have a beer but meh don't need it anyhow it doesn't feel good in the morning. What am I doing.

I really really hate looking for stuff in boxes. Maybe I hate everything and have to freaking complain about everything. Maybe I am generally just unhappy. Maybe it doesn't matter how I feel about it or anything I still need to do it. It's not a want it's a NEED TO DO.

I don't want to look. I don't want to F with the boxes. I don't have a home office I have random tidbits in boxes. okay okay I'm tired but I'm not tired. If I had a treadmill I would just get on it.

And I just yawn-groaned loudly absent mindedly.

It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't matter if I am not in the mood to organize stuff.

I'm just going to do something THE LESS THINKING THE BETTER.

[Meh]

So, I spent the time looking through my emails which feels like not doing anything at all.

A letter was sent from the state agency to the insurance agency by an attorney apparently.

I mean I got pissed. Anyhow, that is what they get for giving the runaround to an anxious, neurotic, asthmatic.

The insurance company claimed the virtual doctor appointment people didn't have me in their system due to requiring a manual entry for some reason. They had a problem uploading the information. Whatever. I knew there was some internal database problem. The stupid call centers continued to tell me various things about how to do it myself.

I tested a database for medical research long time ago was part of my job. Gawd I get infuriated even now about it.

This is something clients/patients can not fix. Unfortunately the only thing to do is to complain. BLEH. 

[Meh]

An hour and a half later I'm restless, pressurized, I hear rain. I'm feeling like my brain has tunnel vision but idiotic stress kaleidoscope tunnel vision. My sleep is going to be stress sleep too hahahaha Ahhhh yawn oh well time to turn the devices off.

[sKePTiKal]

Ya know, I give pretty good "mommy hugs" for free. Sometimes they help this kind of stress & anxiety to quiet down.

I just hang on and soothe the person until they sigh out that release of tension. You already have the knowledge/skills needed to do what you need to do. You don't need to do or be what anyone else thinks you should. I know you're going to be fine. And the next time it feels "too much"...

well, there's another big hug where that one came from.

[Meh]

Thanks Skeptikal.

[Meh]

I managed to go through the five boxes of clothing rapidly. Made the bed and made piles of "dress up/work" and "casual junk." Ended up sticking two boxes of clothing and two boxes of paperwork into the storage place I got. It's more work than it seems like it's going to be to put stuff in storage. Lifting up the boxes, getting in, unlocking, relocking, getting out.

It's probably really insecurities which causes this battle of stuff and issues with making a decision about it.

I didn't throw anything away that would just take too much emotional deliberation right now.

Tired. Felt like I did nothing. Perhaps I should take a nap.

I wouldn't call clothing clutter as it has a purpose though it does feel like I just SHIFTED my clutter to a different location.

Ate some grape candy about an hour ago. Wonder if that is part of why i'm tired. idk

I'm going to nap, then go for a hard walk so I get exercise. And then I guess more freaking cleaning. 

[Hopalong]

Aww, Amber.

Can I piggyback?

I got those hugs too for you Meh. I'm a cheap date and readily give them.

You deserve them.

I'm so glad our Skep verbalized it so perfectly.

Drink the water. Then sleep.
You'll still be here in the morning.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

-- Slept
-- made coffee
-- walked a lot & was pretty out then walked some more
-- more coffee and snacked
-- cleaning, cleaning, I swear this place is very dirty and I don't understand why it requires so much cleaning
-- bleached the vacuum why do I bother idk
-- now it's 4 minutes away from midnight & no matter how much I do it's not enough somehow

Well, whatever. I think the best strategy now is for me to give up on cleaning. That is it. All the cleaning is as done as it's going to get.

Seriously considering a hiatus from cooking. I need to stop it makes too much of a mess.

I'm going to live off of bananas or something.

I never want to wash another dish again I swear. For real whatever I just spent all night doing here it wasn't worth it.

Cleaned out a cabinet. Tossed away some dusty papers.

[Meh]

I woke up, went to a bakery & got gas, drove around on country roads aimlessly, ended up at a very small art gallery which was nice to see. Then looked at a rental which was pointless because even if I ask people direct questions before ultimately it ends up being different in person but I guess that is okay. At least I explored a different neighborhood I suppose. Deep sigh.

Texted a friend who seems happily immune to being lonely though one never knows.

A bit exhausted and my stomach is a little upset I think.

[Meh]

Stopped the car to chill. There was an estate sale 1 block away so walked there. Talked to the woman who was hosting it to help her neighbors. I think we talked for at least an hour I have no idea. She told me how much she hates her mother who is in an assisted living facility. Is this the vibe I put off? I didn't even tell her about my relationship with my mother. I have no idea how the topic even came up. I think it was something to do with the residents of the house needing to go to assisted living. I assured her that I understood broken mother-daughter relationships. She acted like she had taken it all in stride and had accepted it long ago and yet she was telling me about it like it was still a fresh annoyance. IDK.

I guess I found my version of NAR-ANON at an estate sale. Who knew?

[lighter]

You're human Meh.  Whatever expectations you have...... they're just chatter and buzz in your brain, IME.  Not helpful.

Sometimes you're on and sometimes you're not.  Everyone has those moments, 😂 f they're being honest, imo.

Maybe drop the judgments, all of them about everything, and replace it with....
attention to your body, how you're feeling, where you feel it.....
with curiosity above it what's there when the judgments stop.

All you can do is what you can do.  Anything beyond that it useless worrying, IME.  Again, never helpful to me, but I've done quite a a little t of it.

Not worrying is better.  It's also something I pick up and put down, sans perfection and that's ok too.

I think you're accomplishing a lot and it's enough for now, Meh.

You'll decide for yourself, of course, but I see you making new choices and acting.

Gotta respect the effort and discomfort is often catalyst for big change, IME.🪺

[Meh]

Okay