Just responding to the questions from a few on therapy . This is quite a lengthy post so I’ll do it in sections.
Therapy has been a real personalized mixed bag for me, and over many years. I know I'm fortunate to have a therapist whose approach suits who I am now.
All the religions I’ve been into and therapists I’ve been to in the past have definitely helped me progress along the way though. Then I think of the kazillions of books and articles I’ve read, then along came the internet with all that information at my fingertips. No one thing, just an individual’s journey with many people, places and changes along the way.
I’ve found that I need to be mindful that I don’t drown in too great a variety of information on the net. I read a saying once that went along these lines -
“There is a huge difference between knowing about something and knowing something.”
Each book, religion, therapist seems to have firmed something up in me. Even if I read something and sense that it doesn’t suit who I am and where I am at the moment, I’ve learned to see that as a positive. Sort of a confirmation of the firming up that’s happened. My learning to be okay with disagreements is the same. It’s okay.
I’m just learning to know myself. Each step along the way is just that for me. Another step. Just another day leading to that only other absolute certainty we have apart from taxes.
Where or whatever happens next, after that, doesn’t really interest me anymore – not as much as the ‘Now’ does. That’s about all the certainty I have. Now. And because I totally accept life is flux, I feel best living consciously in the ‘Now’. I ride each day and situation like just another wave. I don’t have religious aspirations anymore. If I did I’d be pursuing them passionately. I’m like that. Very passionate.
So far in life I can’t help noticing how everyone I’ve met is superbly unique and different, and consequently I think that’s why we have to find our own way. We’re all seeking something - for different reasons. I think the person with eternal and religious aspirations owes it to themselves to follow that road, all the way to glory. It’s just not my road. That’s all.
I have a friend who went into a 12 step program. He did it for his wife. It didn’t fit with him and he didn’t fit with it. He’s an atheist and couldn’t get over the 1st step. He struggled and argued with having to hand his problems over to a higher power. He saw that as just substituting one dependency for another. Yet the 12 step program works so well for so many. But not for him. Another person is about 12 years sobriety and a very good sponsor in AA. It’s worked incredibly well in that situation. That person is religious and so has no inner conflict re a higher power. What works seems to me to be just so incredibly personal.
Same with me, most therapies and pretty much all religions I tried weren’t quite the right fit for me. I really tried hard though. I think I was inspired to try because I could see how they often worked brilliantly for others. For me, I think my own life experience is my best guide for most situations I find myself in.
Here’s how I see therapy and in particular this last therapy that has worked with me – and I feel that the therapist has been working with me. It’s been very collaborative. The whole process seems to have been one of self-determination, purpose and self-responsibility. I’ve a developed a growing confidence that I can take care of what’s going on now, and the rest of my life will hopefully just fall into place. But it's a case of - so be it, whatever will be will be.
I’m also not taking the extreme and upsetting stuff I used to ‘auto-think’ on face value anymore. I check to see if what I’m thinking is valid for me in the here and now. I find sometimes I’m still thinking in ways that were only rational for that helpless, scared, fragmented, confined, voiceless unhappy child, I once was. Once I realize this I immediately take control and change course.
I always liked dreaming and reminiscing. I sometimes think that’s all I used to do in my past lives. When I was a ‘prisoner’ as a child that’s how I survived. On dreams and the odd happy memory. That didn’t leave much time for living in the ‘now’ and that was the whole point.
This habit carried over into adulthood and I have to admit ‘stuff’ got pretty messy. I spent a large proportion of my time either in the past (depressed and slothful) or the future (optimistic and manic). That’s okay – I can see how that was the only way I could be then. It was where I was at. The futility of living like that in adulthood was a reality I went through, and I needed to understand the dynamics of it to be able to move along and out of it.
For me, dreaming was one way leaving the ‘awful’ here and now, and travelling into the future – mainly to avoid the ‘Now’. Half the time I was living in a future that wasn’t here yet, and probably would not happen. Then the other half of the time I was masochistically suffering through my reminiscing, wallowing in a past that was over, gone forever, but one that I apparently couldn’t let go of.
I know in some of my posts I’ve placed an emphasis on how much a psychologist can help and I can completely understand why I do that. It’s because of my own personal journey. I realize it’s perhaps not for everyone. Take it or leave it. I’ll get along now with attempting to describe the type of therapy I’m in now, and how I see it.
The type of therapy I’m in now is in the camp of humanistic, existentialist, transpersonal and CBT based stuff. I’ve not asked for a label. Might ask next time.
I know there’s certainly plenty of empathy and validation that is markedly peppered with quite a few challenging questions I’ve been faced with. My own personal responsibility in the dynamics that led me there certainly appear on the table quite regularly. I’m always directly challenged often. Especially when my ‘old prison issues’ arise - which they did often, and still do, just not quite so often.
It’s almost funny when ‘old prison issues’ arise because it’s become so obvious to me when it does. The signs are when I begin to pass the buck, devolve myself of personal responsibility, play the victim, lay blame and criticize. At that point I’m usually challenged with a very kind smile accompanying the words “You are obviously getting something out of this, but is it what you really want?” I know the answer is usually ‘no’ - now!
In therapy ‘I’ was encouraged to connect with my desires and express them, particularly through the arts, writing and volunteer work and a significant career change. ‘I’ experienced the synthesis taking place, and whenever a synthesis took place, ‘I’ then experienced an increase in energy from the energy being freed in me, and I’ve been quite consistently experiencing an ever growing sense of peace and well-being. 'I' was finding a voice, direction, life, harmony and quiet optimism.
Early on it was hard for me to accept that I was getting anything out of staying in the ‘old prisoner issues’ negative mentality. I wasn’t able to see that at all. Invariably I’m discovering (often it’ll be days later) exactly what it is I’m getting out of it. Things like perceived security, safety, invisibility etc. Thankfully, due to the patience of the therapist I ‘get it’ now. Yes I do! That comment alone “You obviously get something out of it.” has been a tremendous vehicle for greater balance, self-determination, purpose, self-responsibility, ability to faces change and challenges, human development and maturing.
When I’m faced with an issue which creates inner contradiction/tension/imbalance within me, or becomes obvious in my language, I’m no longer embarrassed by it or afraid of it. I've come to accept that it's all just as much a part of the ‘whole’ that is just as much me as anything else, including my nose and ears. I simply take notes and go off somewhere relaxing when it's convenient and think hard on it.
‘I’ was assisted greatly in realizing that freedom to be free was there to be had, and ‘I’ began recognizing and integrating or synthesing different aspects of my personality. What has worked best for me in therapy personally was realizing how many various elements of my being weren’t cohesive, and how that alone was creating constant conflict within me which was just so dreadfully tiring, as it was blocking my energy. This caused pain, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, hostility. I've discovered that an energy blockage is a sure sign (well, certainly in my case) of inner conflict and tension, and a lack of cohesion somewhere in me.
I accept that the early part of life was a pretty miserable and frightening experience. So that’s how I grew up to view the world. The main problem with viewing the world this way was that it created tension, like a rubber band being stretched. I had my old way of self-imposed solitary confinement on the one hand, and the desire to experience life in all it’s richness on the other. I had only one way to deal with that dilemma previously. Squash/eliminate/deny one side of the equation. I had no way for differing or opposite needs in me to co-exist happily. Say I wanted to fly somewhere, but I’m afraid of flying. I could own my fear of flying, understand the reasons why I’m afraid of flying, and happily own the desire to fly, and maybe go out and fly anyway. I could choose to fly or not fly or just talk about flying, and happily own them all. This type of thinking was so foreign to me. There was no absolutely correct answer. No more only black and white. That has helped me out enormously.
I had a job that I felt totally completely phony over and totally inadequate for. Nobody knew I felt this way as I was quite good at covering it. I dropped out of that career because I believed it was an ethical issue and I only had one course of action open. I’m working my way back into that role now, and without the ethical dilemma. I don’t have to have all the answers to do what I love.
After a ship load of therapy sessions the planets have begun to align. I feel free and can even keep that prison cell to escape back to any time if I want to. I just don’t want to. But I'm free to choose because it's my life.
Often after the experience of therapy/kneading my conflicting needs regarding some inner contradiction of desires, I do experience an solid ongoing increase in energy. This is the freed up energy I was using to placate, excuse and hide those seemingly contradictory needs. That’s encouraged me to go back for more some more kneading.
Sometimes it has felt like pumelling, but it's really not. It’s no too much different to the benefits of the pain associated with having a sore wisdom tooth attended to. Hurts, but it's worth it. I said to the therapist much earlier on, “Don’t you go easy on me, hear. I want to straighten myself out. I know I’m my biggest problem, but in day to day issues I know I just don’t see it. I can take the truth. Slap me around as hard as you like if you think I need it.” I can still remember the therapist, warm smile saying “I don’t think slapping around works, and I don’t think you’ll need it, but I’ll bear it in mind.”
Let’s say I had gout in my left knee, arthritis is both wrists, an ulcer, gall stones, bad heart, asthma, eczema, and carbuncles. What do I do when I get asked to do something, go to dinner, play tennis, or just go for a walk. Do I deny any of this stuff is there? No. I’d probably have to take a huge amount of time in preparation and taking precautions but I may still go. It would probably end up being easier for me not to go. But is it wrong for me to want to go, or to try to go, or to go and have to cut it short. There isn’t a wrong in any of that. I'd just accept that's me, my ‘wholeness’, and in that situation do my best, and enjoy as much as I can.
That disabled person was me, emotionally, for years. I look back and can see I’ve missed out on so much because I preferred the safety of my cell. I was always taking precautions to avoid possible problems. I knew problems came whether I wanted them to or not. I was born into a problem couples life, then became centre-stage as the cause of their problems, and their marriage problems. So my childhood was just one huge problem, in a world full of problems, of which I was one. Or so I was led to believe.
More later,
Papillon
The post below was moved here previously.
When I refer to ‘I’, I’m referring to the center of my own personality.
I was repeating my own parents life-system, and I was most fortunate to get with a psychologist who led me to understand that my 'I' -dentity had been buried by me, because of a very cruel constant situation when I was a child where ‘I’ was not tolerated by my abusive parents.
'I' wasn't allowed any freedom of personal expression, 'I' was most certainly not permitted to have a voice of my own. Conform or be annihilated was my childhood environment. Even when 'I' conformed 'I' was still ridiculed and abused. So 'I' hid out most of my life, afraid and unskilled in the world from never ‘Be-ing’ allowed out to play and learn and grow in that world.
’I’ literally never saw the light of day, or the sun, or the flowers. ‘I’ never had used any self-assertion muscles, ‘I’ knew it wasn’t safe. ‘I’ found a safe place to hide, which eventually became a prison, ‘I’ became a self-sentenced prisoner, imprisoned for my (our - 'I's) own safety sake.
Over the years ‘I’ became an extremely disgruntled prisoner, constantly complaining, making trouble and making a racket, especially during puberty and then on into adulthood. Sadly, ‘I’ continued in that prison, even though the door was locked from within. ‘I’ was always protesting, reacting, and acting out very badly to whomever reminded ‘I’ of why ‘I’ had had to resort to a life of solitary confinement in the first place. And when I say ‘I' acted out very badly, I do mean, VERY BADLY INDEED.
My last and current psychologist has helped me find and establish quite a solid sense of ‘I’ through hearing me, teaching me, parenting me and also encouraging me. I'm experiencing long dreamt of freedom to experience me and my desires, pleasures, interests, strengths and capabilities. Therapy has helped me accept that most if not all of my catastrophizing and fears are mainly irrelevant and irrational for me now as an adult.
‘I’ was assisted greatly in realizing that freedom to be free was there to be had, and ‘I’ began recognizing and integrating or synthesing different aspects of my personality. What has worked best for me in therapy personally was realizing how many various elements of my being weren’t cohesive, and how that alone was creating constant conflict within me which was just so dreadfully tiring, as it was blocking my energy. This caused pain, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, hostility. I've discovered that an energy blockage is a sure sign (well, certainly in my case) of inner conflict and tension, and a lack of cohesion somewhere in me.
In therapy ‘I’ was encouraged to connect with my desires and express them, particularly through the arts, writing and volunteer work and a significant career change. ‘I’ experienced the synthesis taking place, and whenever a synthesis took place, ‘I’ then experienced an increase in energy from the energy being freed in me, and I’ve been quite consistently experiencing an ever growing sense of peace and well-being. 'I' was finding a voice, direction, life, harmony and quiet optimism.
If this all sounds simple, I can assure you it wasn’t. It’s has unfortunately been quite a long process with a quite a few religions and therapists participating along the journey. But I suspect and hope that the worst is behind me.
Papillon
