I am a 48 year old woman and have been married for almost 19 years. I was raised by 2 narcissistic parents who used their 6 children as tokens to enhance their public prestige and image. Behind closed doors, it was a different story. The physical beatings from my mother were horrible, erratic and always denied as "I'm clumsy" or "I fell". We lived in a rural community in the 1960's and there were not a lot of resources for abused children. I couldn't wait to leave home and go to college, but with an alcohol habit from the age of 12, it was difficult to adjust to the discipline of college life. I managed to graduate and be accepted to one of the top Ivy League schools in the country for my profession. I became a professional people pleaser, the one who was always on call, worked overtime, covered holidays. The truth was, I was so empty and unsure of who I was that I filled it with business. I met my husband through a computer dating service. He presented well on paper and to be honest, I believed that if I was married and had children, I'd be a whole woman. As soon as the ring went on his finger, he was a totally different person. He immediately confiscated the checkbook and demanded total control over all financial affairs. He became totally detached emotionally (his previous attachment was just enough to bait the hook, but was not genuine). He would travel for weeks at a time for his job, come home with dirty laundry, demand immediate sex and then sleep for the rest of the weekend. His idea of sex was I was to be completely silent, he'd watch the clock to time himself and constantly berate me with "did you come yet?!" Afterward, he would refuse to talk to me and roll over to sleep. When I would ask for touch, he's respond "I don't see the need for that" or "Ewwww, why would you think I would want to do THAT?!". He had frequent periods of ED, which were my fault because of my weight, my appearance, the stress I "caused him" by not fulfilling his every need. After 5 years, we discovered that he was sterile (I went through injections, interuterine inseminations etc...while he told everyone who would listen that I could not get pregnant). We adopted a sweet little boy from another country. My husband was immediately jealous of him and demanded perfection and complete obedience (even though he didn't speak English for almost 8 months!!) We adopted another special needs little girl who had psychiatric difficulties and behavioral problems. I placed her into specialized group home care to protect her because my husband was extremely abusive toward her. During our lifetime, hubby has been fired from several jobs due to his anger problems, has had numerous periods of severe clinical depression, refuses treatment or medication. He accepts no accountability or responsibility for his behavior. We have moved 3 times because "he decided we had to move". He uses religion as a weapon to terrorize us and is rigidly legalistic. I am presently separated and having to take him to court to fight for support (of course). I was so relieved to find this board because it affirmed to me that I am NOT crazy or deserving of this hell. Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
