Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

Giving My Power Away - recommendation request

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Ales2:
Hi - Because of my N Mother, I've had to deal with all the assertiveness/boundary issues all my life that have plagued me at work and kept me in positions far below what I (now- didn't always) feel I am capable of. So, I am looking for recommendations of books that help understand in interactions with others we give away our power and become followers rather than leaders.  Any book recommendations, online resources would be greatly appreciated.

For Example:
Today, I have to email a writer who is behind on a deadline. I feel that he is disrespecting my time and my project and I need to set a deadline (aka a boundary) of when he needs to turn in the work without waffling. He needs to know I am a powerful woman, the leader and these requests (he's four months behind) are reasonable and to be taken seriously.

So, my choice was to email him and say I need to get the pitch by tuesday 12noon. I need to know tomorrow if you are able to meet this deadline, not the day of or day before. 

Or, I could have taken a more passive approach of when can I expect this pitch from you?  But, no this is not an acceptable option, this is a passive option and its the approach I have taken up to now. It has to change.

Anyway, so anyone with any recommendations, it would be greatly appreciated.

Dreamedeeri:
Be assertive and set a firm deadline. I have ADD, and I'm terrible about deadlines. If I miss a deadline, I need a new deadline. A past deadline is like no deadline at all. Waffling does not motivate me. If someone was to ask me when they could expect something, I would not know how to answer. Because a) I have no sense of how long it takes me to do something, and b) there is a lot of shame around missing a deadline. I wish more people would tell me that I am inconveniencing them--yes, I should just "know" that, but if I hear it from the person I take it much more seriously. That's just me. Who knows why your person is procrastinating, but in any case, be firm.

I just got "Boundaries: Face to Face (How to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding)" by Cloud and Townsend out of the library and it's very good, so I would reccomend that. It's full of examples and different types of conversations, how to prep for them, etc. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the series. The books have a Christian bent, but I'm not a Christian and I did not find that part of it objectionable at all. If you are a Christian or open to spiritual teachings, it just enhances the authors' message. I hope that helps!

Ales2:
Thanks Kathleen - great advice. I'm not sure if there is an underlying reason this person procrastinates, it just my job to make sure he doesn't. He responded and gave me all sorts of excuses, most were reasonable and probably all true. Part of me senses he might want out of the project, but he won't quit. We'll see.

Also the book recommendation is great. I have one of their books here about setting Boundaries. The funny thing with me is that I KNEW three years ago I had an assertiveness problem, but it was not until I discovered my Mother was N last year was I able to really make the change. Something inside me shifted and its made the boundaries like a game with me.  Also the Wayne Dyer book called PULLING YOUR OWN STRINGS and Cheryl Richardson's book STAND UP FOR YOUR LIFE are helpful too. Now that I understand the how and why of my assertiveness problem its easier to deal with.

Thanks for your help and good luck to you as well!

Dreamedeeri:

--- Quote from: Ales2 on September 10, 2009, 01:31:34 PM ---Part of me senses he might want out of the project, but he won't quit.
--- End quote ---

I'm doing that right now with a couple volunteer gigs. The longer it goes, the worse it gets. I can't explain it really. Jobs I have no problem quitting, but volunteer projects--I just sort of fade away and simultaneously hope no one gets mad at me and wish someone would say something to me.  It's true I still have a lot of work to do around saying "yes" to things that really don't interest me and saying "no" to them later.  :shock: :(

Dreamedeeri:
P.S. I read "Pulling Your Own Strings" over 20 years ago. I should revisit it. The only thing that I remember about it is "A Clerk is a Jerk"! Now having been a clerk, I'm not sure that that's very good advice!  :)

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