Blurry Vision

[illudere]

When I finally got the gumption to post here, tried twice, my story got eaten by the computer.  I am too tired and confused to start over but briefly: My husband and father are both N's, my husband works and I stay at home looking after my little one who is 2 1/2 years old.  She is the only reason I am with my husband who has lied to me for ten years.  The lies are so subtle, I blame myself for being overly sensitive.  

In the past ten years hubby has hummed 5 or 6 times after I tell him about some really upsetting situation with friend or family.  He usually says nothing much, sees my tears, and then starts to hum.  I am floored.  It happened about ten days ago and again yesterday.  Am I absolutely nuts? Is this appropriate behavior?  He would never hum if his mom was crying, and wouldn't even dream of it with his dad.  Why with me?  

My daughter may be an N, I don't know, maybe all 2 year olds are as demanding, but she absolutely demands my full attention.  Cooking got done during her naps.  If I got any phone calls she would go ballistic.  My daughter has allergies so keeping our place clean, cooking all meals, homeschooling/ playing with her, researching her allergies at night when she sleeps gets a bit much. Maybe I go overboard trying to find the "right" solutions for my daughter (to vaccine or not, home birth, early education....it goes on), but I research and research and then make a decision. So I don't always get sleep. It's taken a while to figure out my daughter's food and behavior connection, we can now tell when she's been exposed.  I had melt downs and I took it out on her, yelling and an awful seething angry energy.  I want to be a good mother, not just good but someone my daughter WANTS to be around when she grows up.  My mother was always angry and now I feel like I'm turning into her.  She died last June.  I don't want her life: 4 kids, n husband who sent her to take care of his folks in another country for two years at a time.

My husband is the breadwinner, and because he doesn't want to help with housework he's happy to hire someone to help out.  This only happened after my daughter was born, till then he helped out with such an awful attitude.  Last night I was telling him about the woman who is helping u:

ME:  I asked her to do something and she just ignored me.  
HIM: that's not right, she shouldn't do that.  

Which really got my goat, why does hubby notice that I shouldn't have to repeat myself with her? it took him about 6 years to admit: yes he was chasing my cousin in front of me, yes he ignored me when we hung out HIS friends who didn't like me, yes he used sleep as an excuse not to do things with me on weekends, yet can rouse himself to socialize IF he wants to, list goes on and on ).  

Back to the hum triggering event:  

ME: d was all over the place in her toddler music class, she wasn't listening to me either (under normal circumstances I would not have gotten upset she's only two).  All three of you (helper, husband, daughter) just ignoring me, what am doing wrong?
HIM: maybe it's perception.
ME:  how can you just ignore a request?

I was telling hubby all this over dinner, but my daughter was not having any of it (when daddy's home she usually tells me mommy don't talk - all around me everyone wants me to be silent) so we stopped talking.  We finish dinner and take our daughter for her sleep routine, he knows I'm upset, knows I'm crying.

AND HE STARTS TO HUM.  (perception? we talked about it two weeks ago when he hummed, MY FEELINGS GET HURT when you hum when I am crying, SO STOP IT.  He did the same humming BS during my mom's funeral, when my dad got loud with me, hubby saw I was teary but there was the humming)

I just wanted to walk away today AGAIN.  Leave the country to go back home (my dad is an N and a prima Donna, he has called me from the kitchen to hand him the spoon that sits in the middle of the table where he eats) or stay here and have him help pay.  I have a Master's degree in architecture from an Ivy league school so I am not completely an idiot, though I feel like I am only qualified to flip burgers at McDonald's.  I don't know why I am so protective of my daughter, I don't want her in day care, she is too young. Do I suck it up and stay for another 2 years when d is older and supposedly able to be more independent from mommy? stay and get a weekend job? go back to school? I've thought of getting Montessori teacher training so I can be with my daughter teaching at the same school.  I want to homeschool her.

My jumbled ramble, input welcome.  

Sorry I have not contributed, I have lurked and learned a lot.

-illudere

[illudere]

I am so glad I found this board and reading about everyone's experiences.  I had no idea there was such a thing as N's, I just assumed I was boring and that people didn't want to hear what I had to say. 

Just spoke to sis about all this, something that came up in the conversation was how unattractive I feel.  My hubby, who is extremely good looking, as is my dad, will give me the once over look when we go out, it was so subtle I had no idea he was checking me out in a negative way, but I would just wither with shame that I wore the wrong thing or I was not looking pretty, like I was disappointing him.  Or he'll say you're wearing "those" slippers? (yeah, dammit I was, till you mentioned it).  It's me that has the design background, but sure  I'll reassess. Then I'll feel like shit for the outing.  Sis had no idea I was dealing with this practically for 10 years.  Responds with you have nothing to worry about, in the way you dress or how you look, its his issue.  That reassured me, made me feel a little better. 

My dress style is on the quirky side, I like to dress happy, I like Betsy Johnson for having the guts to wear the kind of things she does. I don't dress like that, but I like to cut paste and trim.  Sis knows me and appreciates my taste, I always liked my taste.  I stopped being me with this guy.  Somehow his vanilla generic has seeped into me.  Hubby doesn't appreciate anything hand made, someone's time is less valuable than the gifts he picks up from the airport.  As if the tiniest bit of thought went into picking up something from those airport gift stores.

I horrified him early in our relationship when I made a heart shape light out of those red pepper blinking string lights.  I bunched them all together into a heart shape, put it up, lit it, and brought him in to see.  The look on his face, as if I had nailed a real heart and it was there pulsing away.  After it had layed around for while, I made a square box and put it in.  Now I just want to throw it away. 

After the humming from two weeks or so ago I say to hubby:

ME: would you be able to handle d on the weekends if I got a  job? 
HIM: that would be good for you, if you need adult conversation. 

When he said his "if" I took it in, I guess adult conversation is like getting dressed up, nice once in a while.

I try not to leave D alone with him, he gets agitated within minutes, never owns up to his state, generates this weird rushed vibe, constantly steps aside as if we're taking up too much space, leaving me feeling like what we're doing is the most difficult bothersome task...everything is difficult with him, stepping our of the house is hard hard hard and by the time we are downstairs I'm agitated.