I really do think she's like many of us here... looking for that explanation that makes it OK to be her... and to marshall the rest of her skills, talents, energy to deal with boring stuff like rent, food, gas, electric.
Truly, she is. We're all in the same human boat. And her process of de-enmeshing, individuating better, setting boundaries -- I am utterly on board.
The crisis now isn't my wanting to cling, it's that she's really ill. I've been educating myself on bipolar and if (
I don't know!) this is a true bipolar crisis--it's not about maturation or processes or "learning" or identity processing...it's about her possibly being in an acute situation because she is unwell. She's down to $300 and has no income, and no plan, and an angry landlord who may be about to evict her. (She's meeting with him now.) I couldn't reach her last night. Wrote my T, who gives good advice...he suggested I call the local emergency services, describe her situation/symptoms as best I can and see what they advise. Bottom line, they think if I haven't heard from her by tonight I should contact someone in the area to go check on her (I would first try the remote church contact I have; then I do have one phone number of her acquaintances in the area). Last resort, ask the police to check on her.
Any confrontation or intervention or "calling in the cowboys" will mean a complete challenge to and possible rupture in our relationship, so I'm thinking
very cautiously and want to err on the side of NOT intervening. But, the challenge is, I must keep separate my respect for her autonomy and the actual "medicalness" of what she's going through. The only information I have is my best observations of how she's been sounding on the phone. Up, down, crashed, manic, panicked, or, now...silent. It's hard to know and I can't be a professional and assess it that way.
According to bipolar crisis info from the NAMI and similar orgs, her literally not being able to take care of her life, clean her apartment, make decisions to get unstuck--and that she really isn't being adequately treated (has a phone-in SSRI from a shrink she can no longer afford to see since she's left school, and the school T she did have she believes hasn't helped her at all)--all add up to suggesting a hospitalization (voluntary would be ideal) to get her stabilized and doing better.
I literally can't imagine how she'd respond to that suggestion, but probably with horror, fear and rage. She is just now coming around to accepting how serious the diagnosis is...I realize she's been in denial about its impact for a very long time. Probably isn't a coincidence that she decided to tell me about it a few months ago. She's asked for books and has started wanting to talk about it...but my comments must be VERY calm and limited when she brings it up.
The toughest thing to bear is that my anxiety about her spiraled, too, and one recent evening I had to tell her I really wouldn't be able to do a good job listening that evening. I am trying so hard to be calm and unreactive every time I hear from her. That is what she needs. But it triggers me too, so though I help her some, I do an uneven job of it.
Anyway...that's the update as of now.
If anybody's reading this--send her white light as she's right now in conversation with her pissed-off landlord. He happens to be a physician (an eye dr.) so my prayer is that she'll tell him more about herself, and that he'll be kind.
love,
Hops