Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on January 05, 2019, 09:17:55 AM

Title: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 05, 2019, 09:17:55 AM
Might as well get the thread opened up for this year, to remind me to THINK about what I need to, want to, and really ought to do. Digression is an essential part of this process, LOL... and will occur frequently no doubt.

Top 2 projects on the consideration list, are a generator & fencing, at the moment. Still lots of things to purge/organize and finish up around here... along with what the Holly Hut will be and when. She says she has an idea to draw out now, so I'm waiting on that. Still scouting locations too. Still thinking about; designing in my mind, an outdoor, wood-fired kitchen too.

Still have resident house guest, but given his improvement over the time he's been here... and other things... I sense he may be beginning to think of new plans. The number of people arriving here, over this Holly birthday weekend could be intimidating him some. It'll be a crowd, though not as large as last year. Typical boy-girl things happening between him & Holly too... though she immediately let him know in no uncertain terms that wouldn't be a good thing for either one of them.

Seed catalogs have been showing up every week - but things are still WAY too soupy out here, to do anything even given the milder temps this winter. I might get the kitchen beds & rock garden going perhaps. We shall see. I'm stronger now than I was last year but those concrete blocks are still heavy, I'm working on a hill, and there are other rocks to work around. Getting that done - and creating a visual "fence" above it, at the edge of my parking area - would enable being able to order a load of gravel... and get me motivated to work at cleaning up the other side of the drive - toward the studio and cliff. Still need to build wood storage, too.

Mostly, we just need to make space, in the existing footprint of the buildings... organize stuff... and get more serious about getting Holly squared away in her own domain, where she can rule supreme.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 05, 2019, 05:37:51 PM
I'm drooling for the occasional photo you might feel comfortable posting for a short bit.

SO love your life! Hearing about it is vicarious but also motivational.

xo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 06, 2019, 09:57:27 AM
Yeah, I haven't been able to post pics here - which I can understand. But perhaps a photo hosting site link? funny thing is, I literally don't have that kind of time to "show off" what's been going on around here; go figure.

Today is prepping food for the birthday girl's party. Love my crockpot; going to make a zingy version of my pulled pork BBQ. Folks are bringing a lasagna. I think we've got the sleeping arrangements figured out; still need to give my (and kitties' safe space) quarters a once-over cleaning. It's a dog-free zone. Monday, Hol has to drive into Dulles to pick up a friend from Portland at the airport. (I've known him since they were in HS.) So, it's going to be - and actually has been - a revolving door; grand central station around here. Thank god the freezer was stocked. (reminds me: should clean out the fridge for space...)

I have some more observations about resident house guest, but after the party migrates to the studio space... I'm probably going to bow out and leave 'em to it. Been too many late, intense discussion nights around here. And while we're able now, to talk about other things and laugh ourselves silly... I think I've reached the point where it either sinks in; he owns some of the ideas about what we've been talking about... or he doesn't. So perhaps, I'll feel like I have the space & privacy to write that down.

Yeah, I feel kinda like persona non grata in my own house. But I did know what I was getting into; and I can assure you - this isn't going to become a permanent situation.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 06, 2019, 06:27:30 PM
You're on it.
I know you will (re-pee on your personal fence line)...

BRAVO. He's learned a lot and good for you for not lapsing into caretaking. He's a big boy.

Hope the upcoming festivities are still fun! Sounds like H is importing her crew one handful at a time. And I bet they all LOVE coming to the mountains, breathing great air, partying in beauty. And you.

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 07, 2019, 03:05:00 PM
I'm looking forward to a thread where H builds her own little house, with room for all her guests.

Amber, you can visit, and engage as often as is comfortable for you!

Lighter
 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 09, 2019, 09:57:14 AM
I'm way more aware that there are paths I can't guide someone on, than I used to be. And if someone only listens politely - then continues on the same path they asked for help with getting off - my frustration levels build.

And it's starting to hit Hol, as well... she has more patience than I do, for this kind of "woe is me, help me, but look at me, talk to me not what you want to talk about... because woe is me" treadmill. I don't suffer martyr-Nism, even in it's milder forms, too well. There is a huge difference between true long-lasting misery or grief, and the kind that is used for manipulative purposes. I'm not at all sure I'm qualified to tell them apart.

But I feel what I feel, TOO, dammit. And as it happens, I do hold the command/control authority here - I have hard copy of the orders my friend wrote out for me.

I am NOT running a home for wayward, benighted travellers on life's rougher roads and when I feel I have to take precautions to keep those staying here safe from their own darker tendencies - it's time for them to MOVE ON and try something else. I have my own stuff to deal with - as does Hol. And while I'm happy to offer temporary respite from "life" to the occasional visitor... it's become too damn inhibiting for me.* And perhaps that's a problem I should solve and deal with and change...

but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.

And I just had to write that all down, where I can see it... even though I said as much to Hol's boss yesterday (who was here for her birthday party); he's immensely perceptive and intelligent & interesting and even helpful. He & I escaped into talking about historical stuff a lot and that helped.

Writing makes a thought-process an artifact for me. Something concrete. But I'm not at all happy to have to have retreated to my bed & kitty safe-space, to be able to do this in my own home. I resent the hell out of it. And now, I'm going to develop as kind a way to deal with that, as I can.


*What I mean here, is that I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I have been told to keep my plain-speaking thoughts (ascribed as "dark", because I mean what I say and much of that is based on experience) to myself... to restrain the "mommy-lecture" reflex... etc. To where I feel a prisoner to one person's inability to deal with his own crap. And I know for a fact, I'm not the only one who felt that over the weekend.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 09, 2019, 07:34:23 PM
Quote
but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.

But you do have to because he is ignorant, so why bother resenting. (Easy for me to say as I'm positive I would go there.) Still, you can calmly SPEAK UP and not wait for anyone to guess or read your mind or approve of your choice. Especially not read your mind. If you're been up to your elbows trying to save/reprogram a youNgun and suddenly his lack of noticeable respect or change for all your efforts flips your I've-had-it switch, well, you don't need to explain anything. You owe nobody an intact eggshell in your own space.

Such as:
"Hey, it's been really interesting having you visit. But I need my space/mountain back now. You're welcome through XX [hour or day or date], but then it's checkout time. Hope things are going better soon." He packs, loads, you smile kindly like an older parental-age person does, and wave bye-bye. Noooooooooo drama, drawn out anything. It's a straightforward adult conversation and you are only in charge of one end of it.

All that can be calm and friendly but not, "I'm your new intimate pal so this is a draaaama." No it ain't. Just an adult comfortable with meeting her own needs. Boundareeeeeeeeeeeeeees....

(Damn, I am sounding so BOSSY lately. What's up w/me? Anyhow, dilute all this to the appropriate temp, plz.)

xxxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 09, 2019, 07:49:27 PM
Amber:

You'll explain your position to this house guest , perhaps plainly if necessary, and you'll feel OK about doing it.

 I hope. 

After all, you've shared your bread, wisdom, and patience.  Now you're ready for him to make use of these gifts. 

Or not. 

It seems this young man's journey has stalled.  Moving on might be helpful to him.   

It was very kind of you to extend yourself, and your farm, in any case.  He'll look back, and feel gratitude.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 10, 2019, 02:46:36 PM
Recent example of the exquisite sanity of Carolyn Hax (Wash Post columnist who gets a B+++ on nearly everything, in my bood):

Q: Nope, you have to stay!
Is there any way to deal with someone who feels that you politely excusing yourself from a conversation or social gathering (because the subject matter makes you uncomfortable, because you're tired, because you need to introvert) is unspeakably rude? I'm guessing nope?

A: Carolyn Hax
Depends. The intimacy of the relationship makes a difference to how you manage.

But in general, my advice is to just do what you need to do and politely rebuff corrections that cross personal boundaries. Not just here, but everywhere.

JAN 04, 2019 12:39 EST
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 11, 2019, 06:46:12 AM
Good sense from both of you. Thanks.

That's just it, about not resenting him tho - "it all about him" and what he's dealing with and if we take care of ourselves, then he retrogrades to not taking care of himself. And the fuse on my anger over crap like that is already lit. I can head it off at the pass; find a third path... but I'm going to have to be quick because now Hol is feeling used up too. After JUST getting her back on her feet from her breakup.

I can't be worrying about his state of mind, whether all my tools are locked up, what else he's going to destroy in his misguided belief he can help - without asking or finding out how things work... etc.

I need MY LIFE back and as it stands, all the ways Hol wanted to "improve" my life and have fun with mom aren't possible because he's here. She has another friend here, who flew from Portland - and she's hardly spent any time with him. (HE doesn't need a mommy or caretaker or someone keeping an eye on him.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 11, 2019, 08:43:37 PM
Checkout time....

Need a bellhop? Hopsette?

Hope the coast is soon clear and calm.

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 13, 2019, 03:59:49 AM
Sounds like it's time, Amber.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 18, 2019, 06:57:26 AM
Minor crisis here:

Holly went to investigate the difficulty of hooking up the plow to the ranger - I have a delivery coming next week and this weekend looks to be a repeat of last weekend's 9.5 inches of snow - so it would be good to have the ability to plow the driveway. So far, only her redneck jeep and the ranger have made it up the hill, to where our road is plowed. Cleaned off my jeep yesterday and the plan is to get out and get over the mountain for my monthy errands over there.

So, I can't find the remote cable that operates the winch, which operates the blade. Dammit. My brain is so tired from trying to absorb and contain and endure house guest's manic, anxiety-driven activity - and self-absorption - that I haven't sleep well this whole month. He's not unpleasant; unlikeable; just not able to regulate himself - thoughts, emotions or behaviors. And Hol is enabling the continuation of that state, although SHE has an escape hatch, spending time with her new sweetie.

We have been making plain that we are not equipped to teach him how to do that. And the resulting eggshell-walking required to not trigger his depressive phase is mind-blowingly IMPOSSIBLE. Anything and everything can set him off... and what he wants to describe about himself or talk about triggers US. He finally made contact with a place here that has both in/out patient care. They've told him to go to the ER first, for evaluation. Makes sense; is easy... and they have some temporary space for mentally ill people. I think he's simply dealing with a mountain-load of stress that he can't handle intellectually or emotionally all in one big swallow at once. But, to repeat myself - neither Holly or I are capable of helping him with that.

So, the plan is - I'm going over the mountain today for my errands. Holly will take her other guest, who is getting a bit of cabin fever and is a long-time close friend... and attempt to drop off the resident house guest with the issues, at the hospital. It's right on the way into town.

I'm going to be happy to see him go. I'm not adopting grown children this year; or next year either. Don't hate him, but he's making me damn crazy... and I'm tired of not being able to say, do, think or feel those things in my OWN HOUSE. And Holly is going to hear that loud & clear once he's cleared out. I'm not running a ward for people who can't cope with life, here.

Has to be today; last weekend we got snowed in. And snow is coming again tomorrow.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 18, 2019, 08:44:46 AM
Yikes, Amber.

 I got chills thinking about you getting snowed in AGAIN with the troubled young man.

Hurry... but keep safe.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 18, 2019, 01:19:51 PM
Yeah, now he's changed his mind and decided instead of waiting in the ER, he'll make an appt with someone private. Sight unseen, of course. Hol says she's trying to be compassionate, but when his anxiety makes it impossible for me to relax in my own home... I'm out of compassion. It ain't limitless, and starts to very much look like taking advantage - given he's taken liberties in my studio, even AFTER I've suggested a good workspace, and why.

He's working with dirt, ashes & old cigarette butts and making one hell of a mess on our socializing table. I said: at least put wax paper under your work... but NOoooo. This is apparently "rude" as well.

If you see an explosion in the near future... you'd be right. I'll drive him myself. JUST to get my house & space back from this kind of "feel sorry for me, but don't try to help me, because I don't know what I want to do... oh, and feel sorry for me because I'm trying not to be a problem even though I pace back & forth in the studio in mania, and between the buildings at all hours of the night - never turning off lights; turning off heaters that are supposed to be left on; and never locking a door.

I'm officially angry now; Hol is aware without me saying it - she's at the end of HER ROPE, as well, and it's now work for her to feel compassion. She didn't comment about my opinion that she's enabling his indecision with "compassion".
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 18, 2019, 09:30:40 PM
Yeh.
Do drive him to the help he needs. Now would be good

Why wait to be snowed in with him?

It's not mean. It's adult.

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 20, 2019, 12:48:07 PM
Wow. This guy is totally off the wall. Holly & he just left, don't know if I convinced him to go to the hospital for the psych eval (a requirement for the center he chose first) or NOT. I almost don't care.

This morning he told me that Hol and her friend were using heroin. Which I know is an absolute lie. Maybe he's just angry with me, I really don't care about that. He's been making Hol & me miserable and anyone else who is around - uncomfortable - because he goes off into these emotional tailspins and lashes out verbally. Even asking him a question to clarify pieces of his story. Friend John (Hol's known him since HS) was the target of most of the attacks. Having been an RN, and the second person to point out that this guy was manipulative of Holly, we removed a lot of sharp objects. This guy had pics of where he'd been cutting himself.

Holly was MISERABLE because she really wanted to help him, but after a month he still couldn't make a basic decision about any future steps. So, I TOLD him, what my advice was and that he simply couldn't stay here any longer. I am a nervous wreck now...

but I have my Tibetan incense burning... and am just going have a very slow day today. I've told Holly she just can't invite someone (open-ended timeframe) who needs that much help & attention just to regulate his own emotions... and I think we failed miserably anyway because we're not TRAINED to do more than care... and it took a huge toll on us. I know she did it because of another friend who committed suicide and he mentioned that at one point he was suicidal.

I don't know how the pros stay sane.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 20, 2019, 05:00:07 PM
Yikes, and yikes, Amber:  I don't like the sound of Hol traveling with this unsteady fellow, having been ejected from her/your home, without a plan he feels great about. 

I don't like the idea of his being angry either.

Please let me know when Hol's dropped him, and back on the road.

I'll breath a heavy sigh of relief. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 20, 2019, 06:04:26 PM
DITTOS. Fingers crossed, light aloft.

Why would he say that about Hol?

I'm shocked by that (along with the whole story).
And so glad you have extricated yourself.

Seems the I-gotta-fix-this-person gene runs through you both.
It's great that you've drawn a boundary with H about who comes to your farm.

xxoo keep us posted...
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 21, 2019, 08:30:06 AM
She got back home about 5 pm. We all went to bed early, and finally got some sleep last night.

Nurse wanted to ask Hol some questions too, so she had to stick around and also provide moral support to her friend. His plan is, once the 3 day evaluation is over, is to enter a residential counseling facility... and go from there. Steve, Hol's sweetie came over last night with his big lab - a friend of Knuckles - but he got stuck in the ditch leaving this morning.

Holly & Helga (her new jeep) has already freed him and gotten him on his way this morning.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on January 21, 2019, 07:56:50 PM
Thanks for the update, Amber

Hol's done her best by her friend, rescued her sweetie, and now has time to reflect. 

I hope that's the end of THAT lesson.

Lighter

 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 21, 2019, 09:44:02 PM
Might take a week of extra rest and
taking things easy, emotionally, hon.

Hope you feel the peace returning fast.

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 22, 2019, 09:21:45 AM
Thanks Hops -  taking it easy and physical activity (dealing with weather) - are how I'm dealing with it. Letting it SIT for awhile too... I still feel elevated hypervigilance... but it's significantly down from what it was. Letting it sit, to give myself time to understand just what is going on in that situation - between friend & Hol - and my reactions, and why... before Hol and I start discussing it.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 22, 2019, 11:50:01 AM
Lunch break - c'mon SUN - I need to melt the ice on my steps.

I'm pretty angry at Holly; and it's complicated. I've made it clear to her that she lives here too and if she wants to invite people out here, thanks fine. I truly like most of her friends. Just keep things under control, follow our basic living rules - locking doors, turning off lights, etc. Clean up your own messes.

So, Christmas day she got the news that a friend in her circle had killed himself. Right off the bat, she was asked to help rehome the friend's Cane Corso, which is a very large mastiff. I did some research... finally OK'd a temporary arrangement... and then watch Knuckles hash it out with Steve's dog; Steve is Hol's new sweetie. I brought up a few things she might want to think about, re: the dog... and eventually the folks in the city worked it out. Non-issue.

The day AFTER Christmas, she got the SOS from basket-case friend... needed a place to stay; had been staying in a hostel after getting out of jail for non-payment of child support, after suddenly losing his job (which I suspect was due to his emotional disintegration.) Story was that ex was a manipulative, vindictive N... and I do know there are casualties of the system. I do understand people's need for safe space time to sort things out, too. So yes - I agreed to him staying here. [edit: first mistake; I didn't set a preliminary timeline]

Weekend of the 6th, Holly had 3 additional friends out for her birthday: her boss, her girlfriend who's dating him and her roommate. We got geared up to party... lots of stick to the ribs food, etc. By this time, I was already picking up vibes from basketcase that gave me concern. Boss also did, as did Hol's girlfriend. We conferred a bit and Boss said he felt this guy was taking advantage of Holly's soft spot for her friends. Boss knows Hol VERY WELL; they had had a relationship in the past. And by then, I was seeing it also.

Basically, what I've picked up about basketcase is that he needy in the extreme; is using Hol to regulate his emotions - because HE CAN'T. I watched the guy pick a fight with old friend of Hol's from Portland, who simply asked a factual question about basketcase's story. Accused friend2 of being pass-agg, condescending and patronizing... got extremely angry; stormed out; stormed BACK... and when I got between them, telling basketcase to "calm down", repeatedly... and physically blocking his projection of emotions... he persisted and didn't even HEAR me.

It was at that point, I made my position absolutely clear to him. I saw him distracting himself with a pretense of creating artwork from cigarette ashes, papers and dirt - and any other art supplies of mine he felt entitled to help himself to. He refused to abide by any regular hours, claiming insomnia and emotional distress. Holly and I were not in a position to help him any further and spending more time here would complicate the situation and only spiral down into something worse. [edit: Hol & I had already been searching for moments to even get this OUT between us; it had started with me feeling I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings; in my own house... because she was insisting I walk on eggshells around basketcase.]

It was HIS idea to go get help and so I strongly supported that. Hol was being told he was too scared to initiate the process (manipulating her compassion)... and so he was allowed to procrastinate on making a decision. And he triangulated between Hol & I, as well. One reason she's so angry at me and me at her right now. The night before he actually did leave, Hol managed to sprain her ankle and bruise her foot pretty good. And I'm pretty sure she's not telling me the truth about what happened just yet.

He's made SO MUCH CRAZY in my space, that I haven't been able to even put the basics of the story into words. I'm still shaking and he's been gone 2-1/2 days now. I've taken it out on my woodpile; the snow; the ice (he sure didn't) because apparently explaining to him that the woodboxes on the stoves are 2 different lengths was "abusive"... and I'm getting the same crap back from Holly at the moment when I say the usual mom things... expressing concern, reminders, etc.

Because apparently, I'm not allowed to control conditions in my own space if they conflict with hers.

And we WILL have this out, but not just yet. It's still too raw. Friend2 expressed his worry that Hol was letting basketcase make her responsible for his emotions, which is one of the issues that were unresolvable from her relationship with Matt. I don't want to imply she's responsible for MINE either, and I do need to be able to verbalize exactly the situation as I see it. Fierce, whispered, 2 minute conversations were ALL we were permitted because basket-case was extremely quiet, sneaky and perhaps somewhat justifiably paranoid. We couldn't get any privacy in our own home.

Hol had asked me to pick up basketcase at hospital over the mountain today, if he's released... and take him to a hotel, since she ASSUMED I wouldn't let him come back here. I let her know, that 3 days wasn't enough for him to get his shit together and NO, he wasn't coming back here. We'll see if she continues to mother him through a situation she isn't in any way responsible for, or if she'll admit her superhero cape has limitations. She took my car today to take friend2 to airport, so I'm not going anywhere.

She clearly doesn't want me to point how she's been self-medicating to deal with her end of this BS either. Not at this point in time.

I'm not sure how this is going to turn out yet, but I sure don't need to keep rehersing everything that happened, how I felt, over & over again... so hopefully, putting it down, will let me get some distance away from it.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 22, 2019, 02:13:48 PM
Oy, babe. I feel for you and how fraught all this is. Just one small idea to offer.

Here's another opportunity to strengthen the boundaries muscles...again just a calm adult saying, No, I won't be doing that.

Hospitals have services, including community volunteers, hospital volunteers, and other resources for folks who are stuck. If bcase needs a ride from hospital to hotel, the hospital can and will arrange transportation for him. Hol doesn't need to expect you to continue the mommying (which "giving a ride" to him is), and you don't need to grant her request.

Picking him up and transporting him is you being unecessarily in his toxic presence, which is not wholesome for you, and Hol continung her rescue fantasy because one of her issues is difficulty stepping aside and allowing a friend to experience the natural consequences of their own choices.

You're no more responsible for his future transport than you were for his crisis. And it wouldn't be good for him to see you continuing the rescue now, through "a ride." It's a big world and he can learn how to ask the hospital to help him find a ride.

love and support,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 22, 2019, 03:05:19 PM
Duh. Just re-read that it's a non-issue since H has your car. Sorry.

However, the same thinking applies though not to you...H should not be giving him a ride either because that continues her codependency.

If you see the same thing, YOU still can't be tasked with fixing H's codependency (if accurate). Because that puts you in the exact same position re. her. Not to worry. She'll get it in 10 years or so. Seriously. It's her path to carve and get and hike and figure out because, ime, any time someone else explains to me what I need to "get" it never takes. It's the long accumulation of my very own insights that help me grow. I can seek additional wisdom from books or people or Ts, but I gotta get all the way to it on my own.

I imagine this is a really tough line to navigate, but if you want to, you can do it. It's sound and healthy non-enmeshment and I believe that's where you are headed.

You've just had a big check-in about your own sense of self and health and boundaries and patterns and I know this--you will have awesome insights once you've had a chance to sit with it all and ponder in peace. The Amber brain and mind and heart know how to come 'round right.

fwiw, xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 23, 2019, 09:19:46 AM
Big hug back to you Hops.

Hol and I had our first debrief last night. She's better off, in some ways, than I am. On the other hand I see some things she hasn't recognized yet... but I kept my mouth shut, for now.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 24, 2019, 07:56:00 AM
Quick update... I'm feeling better now; less scattered and run over. Hol's mental state is pretty well intact and she's back up & running on the stuff she needs to take care of, moving forward. No difficulties between us to work out... but until she has her own house, there are going to be some additional clarification of basic "ground rules".

Seems I found a limitation in myself that I'm not entirely sure how to fix. I don't know how to set functional boundaries between my inner state - and that of disturbed people in my presence; their state completely impacts me and except for physical distance (ie, they're not here) I don't have tools to shield myself from what I experience as constant bombardment. It is affected by time duration; it's one of the reasons going out shopping is so draining of my energy. Yes, to a lesser degree than having someone in my house; popping up quietly and suddenly anywhere/everywhere in my space and never ever coming to rest in his constant, manic pacing.

Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted. And when the person in question is oblivious to how they are impacting others because they're so involved in their own struggles... push comes to shove. In this case, poor guy was depending on Holly (or me as substitute) to manage his feelings for him. I understand how it feels to not be able to do that, and his honest need, and empathize with that.

The hospital is keeping him a week and will likely release him to an in-patient situation elsewhere.

But because of enmeshment and co-dependency, I am allergic to people like that around me. I'm not so sure it's a good thing to "fix" either! Fix it, and one becomes vulnerable to it again, n'est-ce pas?
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on January 24, 2019, 05:57:06 PM
Quote
Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted.

I completely agree with you and, with respect, disagree with Hol. Hate to pull the age-card but I think one (or this one anyway) doesn't quite "get" the we-ARE-wired-certain-ways reality AS full reality until say...50s and 60s. I think in this culture we fling ourselves against various walls for decades because the culture's insistence on self-determination is so powerful.

It's beautiful to know who you are and the atmosphere and boundaries you require, and nobody can know that better than you. Even someone who loves you tons. And there's surely nobody who scrutinizes and judges a mother's makeup more than a daughter, even a loving one. She could be too close to you to really see you...as a person. (If she met you outside your relationship, as a stranger, and you explained how you'd learned certain boundaries are necessary for your well being...she'd admire you for it and accept it as your own smart insight.)

I don't blame her; I think we're all that way to varying degrees until decades and learning and such reach a point within us when we actually accept ourselves. Convincing OTHERS to can be an occasional necessity or if we're not careful, a pernicious hobby.

xo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on January 28, 2019, 07:58:56 AM
Thank you Hops. I tried to explain N-spots to her, and how her "encouragement" to overcome what I know about myself - and have designed into my lifestyle - is very similar to something she complained about Matt doing to her. She denied it, out of hand of course. LOL. Time will fix that.

I think there is a fear of aging - both in me and her herself - that she's realizing. So, I don't need to press the issue. She'll face it soon enough on her own. We've been down the rabbithole of generational traits & effects too. She's very smart and only needs to have someone to bounce ideas off of, as objectively as humanly possible. I try; do OK for an amateur. But I do know my limitations and when a situation develops into something I wouldn't have initially agreed to... I stand up and deal with it... no matter how many toes I step on. Generally speaking, I've only had to bring up ideas/concepts and then shut up - because she does go off and think it through herself. Like a champ, so far.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally now. But I was walking in the dark and wrenched or over-extended a knee a couple nights ago. It's quickly getting better, but I am still moving slow. LOL. Feel like a dumbass... for trying to rely on internal sight in the dark (my usual habit is to turn the light on in the bedroom and then turn out the last light in the living area). But that kind of thing is a direct reminder of just what I was trying to explain to Hol, isn't it? She ran and got me a cane and I was up/down all day yesterday dogsitting and just taking it easy... so I think that's helped with the improvement I'm seeing.

The only thing pressing this week, is the bed I ordered back in Oct is finally being delivered Wed, and we're going to have a couple REALLY cold days, which requires some wood chores to take place. Hol will doing the bulk of that since I'm still moving slow. I can navigate steps, if I pay attention, so I am paying a lot of attention!  ;)  I have a couple more ladder projects to finish up, but that's definitely not happening unless Hol takes the ladder half of the job.

We still need to have "Christmas" with Mike's D... and the snow postponed our original date, so maybe this weekend.

I'm not doing any online dating... even tried Tinder, but it meant I needed wifi on, on my phone and it sucks battery life out of it. So, that's on hold for the time being. Ronnie's still being playfully "flirty" with me, but I haven't seen as much of him since the accident. I've seen his brother more often and while he's not flirty with me, he is as friendly and open and nice.

Farmer's Almanac says our spring & summer here is supposed to be drier than normal. We shall see. I haven't noticed any new trends yet, to drier weather. But that would let me do last summer's garden projects a lot easier.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 02, 2019, 10:10:18 AM
So, the house guest is still considered to be in crisis; remains in treatment & observation at the hospital; and it's likely to be another week or two before they're comfortable enough that he's not suicidal to release him. If he's still stuck on that, and still can't formulate a plan for his life (because he doesn't want one) then I suppose they'll look at in-patient options. It is no longer my problem and I hope he gets well. He seems to like the people here, better than in the big city. Holly is releasing responsibilty about him, too... while still showing him loyalty and support, she is separating herself from his outcome.

Hops asked about the purpose of the farm. It's a learning tool for me. A way to relearn that I matter; I CAN do a lot things I don't know how to do, right this second... and in the process, make this place pleasing to the eye, productive and self-sufficient even if there's no power or fuels, in the future. My goals are practicality and functionality, even as I'm aging in place... and proving the theory that functional can be beautiful at the same time.

It's great having Holly here to help with the physical things, but she is going to go back to work eventually. We have diferent aesthetics and routines... and can get in each others way about stuff like that. So, we're figuring out a location and the site work for a "Holly Hut" of her own, to suit herself. She's narrowed down the design stuff and has a list of 42 "must haves". LOL. I haven't seen it yet. The #1 thing on her list is a 2 story wall of glass with a stone hearth to the ceiling in the center. Totally not practical and there's no way to get the interior efficiency for heating/cooling to be economical, either. But she wants what she wants! (mom might try drawing out a compromise for her).

The Farmer's almanac says it should be drier here, next spring/summer. The garden stuff is a priority, since it was a total washout last year. I'm researching high tunnels, for growing under cover. My commercial grower friend has blooming tomatos already! And I'm giving permaculture a deep look; I already do a lot of it, from the years of growing organically, and growing up around Amish farms.

And even my interior design style is morphing from the beach's post-modern pirate to early Viking. LOL. The bed for the guest room finally arrived, so I can finish up the final touches in there. Hol might need another dresser... or hanging space. (or her own house) And I am going to order a double sleep sofa for the office downstairs. Then the house proper is "done" until I edit the living room furniture arrangement. We'll start moving on to the studio... lots of things to do out there, too.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 02, 2019, 01:37:53 PM
Well, since I don't want a permanent move to California, your guest room will be fine, thanks Amber.  :lol:

Holly is one lucky young woman if Mama will pay for all that! Have you thought of giving her a budget that represents what you WANT to spend on Hol's House (which is such a great idea for your relationship, very wonderful priority)? Then she knows. Design means thi$ and materials and labor mean thi$, and have at it, dear.

I love love permaculture; Polyface farm is on my daytrip list. I so wish I had a Real Back so I could garden. One of my goals in getting fitter is to do old-lady raised beds or pots or SOMETHING. It's the one part of my new-home dream I haven't helped happen, for many depressive self-sabotaging reasons.

Since you're a prepper (sort of?), I was going to ask what part food storage and raising plays. Now I'm imagining you canning and filling a solar-powered fridge.

Do you think geothermal is a possibility? Or earth-sheltered for Hol's House? Earth sheltered is brillers, and filled with light. Could even justify her 2-story glass, or almost. If you have a south-facing slope somewhere. Hope you do. With all the wood available, passive solar or earth sheltered plus a Tuli Kivi would set y'all up safely forever.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 02, 2019, 05:05:55 PM
I love Tulikivis! But Holly thinks they're hideous. LOL. She does have a budget; it's part of my plan to reduce the amount of estate taxes for the kids... moving up gifting.

Food storage is necessary. There was two weeks only Holly's jeep got out if here. So, a deep pantry. Lots of herb/spices. Freeze-dried ingredients in vacumn sealed cans. I learned to can before the Twiggy days and helped out, peeling peaches, cooking apples down into sauce, snapping beans, etc. So yes, preservation of excess harvest is an essential oart of the plan.

It's not so much prepping for me. It's just how my family always lived. Gramma told me to always keep two years worth if food in storage, because of crop failures. She raised her brothers and sisters through the depression after her mom died in childbirth.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 04, 2019, 12:41:05 PM
Oh this warm weather has me antsy to get things started outside! The winter coat is too warm, even on the porch in the shade. We're going to get the first set of compost bins drug to the location and laid out.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on February 04, 2019, 03:19:02 PM
We've had two perfectly lovely spring like days.  Just beautiful.

Enjoy moving those compost bins, Amber: ) 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 06, 2019, 11:58:14 AM
I sure would love more Gramma stories, Amber.
I am deeply inspired by all of those ways people make so and become resilient.

Until my back and body are stronger (I'm now in my schedule exercise program and very hopeful about it) I can't garden or do homesteady things. But there is so much I COULD do that would bring joy and even a bit of kale.

Maybe there's a Wooden Rack #3 in my future! (#1 drying, #2 shoes). #3 could be for dehydrating produce. But I'd be better backing off the purchasing and actually getting serious about planting my veggie beds this spring. They're not quite raised enough to be easy on my back, but they're not impossible, either.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 07, 2019, 11:37:13 AM
You can dehydrate in your oven at 200 degrees, Hops. And I'd recommend an electric dehydrator, over air drying for everything EXCEPT herbs. Those are best air dried, out of the light. Excaliber makes a decently priced dehydrator - and you can often find them used, for sale.

FEBRUARY = the month where you're "over" the excitement of snow, sick of mud (in my case, because I've been fighting mud since last April), and bored to tears because you can't do any "fun" projects yet. LOL. I might get started on my taxes, but I know it'll be almost March before I get all my documents to send to CPA. It's gotten MUCH simpler for me, since I've simplified the financial stuff, post-Mike.

Going to get into the office for it's periodic de-cluttering episode too. And EVENTUALLY cut down cardboard to recycle on Sat. Sunday-Mon, supposed to get 3-6 inches of snow - or such is the forecast. Sigh. Almost Valentine's Day, and we still haven't gotten together with Mike's D for Christmas yet. (Big Snow - and then, Hol & I both had minor injuries the next weekend... and persistent "house pest" to move on. He's still in the psych ward, btw; but is improving.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 11, 2019, 09:13:44 AM
Yuck. More winter here. I'm not energized by it anymore - it makes me want to just sleep till spring. But, I'm going to try to address some smaller inside stuff - catch up on housework: woodstoves make a lot of dust and the gas forced air moves it EVERYwhere, that kind of thing. Finish up the insulation in the garage downstairs, clear/purge, etc. But I don't even have a lot of motivation for that.

Just B L A H.

Hol moved the palettes, to where I want to build compost bins, with her help. That'll be one thing off the list. She's starting to move more stuff from Matt's house too, so there will be studio organization and planning going on. It's hard to even think about getting her house started with the weather so unpredictable... and I still haven't even walked that site to evaluate the geology situation for septic, well, water run-off, etc.

Reading up permaculture... it just seems like a newly minted word for old-fashioned self-sufficient farming techniques. But, even though I DO understand the basic principles, I'm looking for ideas... so will be sifting.

Both Hol and I are kinda in the same mood: patience my ass, I wanna build something.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on February 11, 2019, 09:27:41 AM
Hey, Amber:

I'm curious who you'll line up as builder.  Or do you plan on being your own contractor?

My mom hired a builder who did a very poor job of their mountain home.  I couldn't find decent subs when I needed them on Beech Mountain..... OMG.  Just one nightmare after another.  One electrocuted himself... he was fine, but, OMG.  My mother's home had a front wall falling down in 10 years.... it had to be replaced entirely, such shoddy work.

Are you considering something pre fabbed? 

I just looked at my bathroom ceiling and thought.... I'm going to paint you this week.   It's hard to believe I've left such simple things undone.  And I have baseboards to re paint after caulking.  I get carried away with caulk, forgetting I have to paint again. 



Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 11, 2019, 10:10:58 PM
LOL... houses; such a pain in the butt!!! No matter how much we love them. LOL.

Hol is going to start with the gen contractor that replaced my doors/windows. He builds lots of homes - kits, pre-fabs, customs. She is kinda hoping she can help work with the crew, having participated in the building of the house on the first homestead. I don't think she's completely settled on a house kit or floor plan yet. But there IS site work to determine is feasible... so start there. If this contractor doesn't suit her... on to the next one.

She's look at round homes; domes too. I swear I need to pull out my Whole Earth Catalogs from '67 and show her what I was looking at then.

She is vigorously announcing her commitment to being here. Good thing; bad thing; just complicated... eh, we'll see. It's what I said to myself I wanted... so here it is. Whee! She does make me smile a lot - just being her. I didn't have THAT much to do with who she is now, she owns herself. But I can enjoy it just the same.

Steve is making her happy. She's been silly, happy Holly more lately than I've seen her in a really long time. It's a just a way she has of being her... and not quite knowing what to do with "happy"... but doing it anyway, no matter what it "looks like". She's kinda like a gawky puppy. LOL. It's way too soon to tell, but they get along great... and I find his energy soothing. Reassuring. Strong, silent, good man energy. But it's still early days. So I hold my opinions close.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 11, 2019, 10:27:05 PM
Lord love ya both.
Would you property allow a separate drive off yours to her place located literally out of sight of yours?

So the interactions could be fewer and the privacy better, and you wouldn't even be involved in comings and goings?

You mentioned house guest again...almost in a way that sounded like continued involvement? Yikes, hope not.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 12, 2019, 10:28:22 AM
Yes, there's going to be separation and visual privacy between houses. As far as comings/goings - my drive is the main access to the back 40. No real good way to create a new road.

Hol is still being a friend and supportive of house guest. Will not be bringing him out here again. IF he's released by hospital, it's most likely going to be to a residential situation until they get him stable. He's still having panic attacks, which bring on the suicidal ideation again - even after he's been past it for a week or so. The hospital only provides medication on an as-needed basis (IIRC) so it could be he actually needs a) a consistent dose to stabilize and b) longer term therapy/support before being functional enough to re-enter his life.

If he is released out into the world again, on his own... Hol is helping him locate jobs, apartment/living arrangements and we'll likely gather up some household essentials for him. I'm no longer directly involved and have no desire to be. But I keep up with the news, because Hol is involved and there is still a tingle in the back of my spidey senses about this guy and her wanting to be helpful that bugs me. She assures me that's just my own anxiety talking; and perhaps she's right.

But the man CAN be suave, charming, and persuasive; seen it in action. And maybe that's the trigger I have to be cautious. Smooth talkers... often turn into controling, manipulative Ns. Even when they're in victim mode; maybe especially then.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on February 12, 2019, 09:26:54 PM
Amber:

The feelings around Hol's "house guest" just keep getting more and more..... dark. 

He sounds like trouble, and nothing but trouble.  Not worth the time she puts in.  Not worth the risks of interacting with him, IME.

Forgive me if he's mentally ill, and requires drugs, but it's not Hol's problems to solve, even if she COULD solve it. 

I wish we didn't have to learn these lessons the hard way, but we usually do.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 13, 2019, 01:12:37 AM
Yeh, me too.

I fully don't understand her continuing rescue compulsion toward him. Hope she doesn't harm her growth too badly.

He was destructive to your serenity, exploitative of you both, and unfortunately, there's codependency going on.

I hope you can step back, not muse over his treatment, and not gather household items for him since he's no longer your charity. There are thrift stores in all communities.

Surely he will soon manipulate some other people into his needy web. Saddens me that through Holly, he's still taking up space in your head. I understand how it happens (remembering my codependent entanglement for two years with my severely alcoholic church friend) but....MY codependency would like to rescue YOU from the pattern.

Faceplant. Busted.

hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 13, 2019, 10:21:12 AM
Oh, it's just something to talk about for me. He's definitely NOT in my head. And Holly has lots of other stuff going on right now - but she remembers to look in on him and she and I have talked a lot about "enabling" and how it's a real fine line between trying help, out of kindness - and enabling. How easy it is, to not know the difference ourselves, in our motives... and the effect on the other.

She has to figure it out for herself and is fully capable of extricating herself, setting boundaries, and preventing herself from getting in too deep. Her primary focus is her new Sweetie, Steve. She's been spending a LOT of time with him; he went to B'more with her and met Matt; and now, she's starting to get offers of work - one of which would take her to New Mexico long enough to shoot a movie. She's thinking about it... but no decision at this point. It would be a good resume builder.

Things are very slow here in the winter, except for cleaning up after weather. Each day is much like the one before it. Drives her to restlessness, and seeking any kind of external entertainment that is more fun, stimulating or interesting. She can enjoy solitude for awhile herself; recognizes the benefits. But it's not her normal pace of activity and has never been. She's very people oriented and genuinely cares about what's going on with them and enjoys them. They energize her.

Which is the opposite of me, pretty much. I do enjoy a lot of her friends - some of whom are more my age than hers. So, in the process of accomodating each other's natures - we're both intentionally bending a little, finding workarounds, and sometimes screwing it up. LOL. But this living together is a lot more successful than the first month looked like it was gonna be.

My mom-reflex is super-engrained however. She can get me to back off, with a sharp sarcastic comment... but it just doesn't stop, and I seem un-inclined to rein it in since I do really care about her. I have made some improvements though; I am trying. And she's right - she's over 40 and I don't need to say those silly reminder things Moms say automatically. She's kinda decided to just smile at me, wryly, and say: Yes, mom. LOL. That's working.

But that's kinda why we need separate houses. She doesn't need to be mom'd and I need to just have the space to deal with ME, and sort me out... without feeling old roles rise up... and start knocking off some more subliminal "can'ts" off my list. It's all good; we're just both over-analytical and have lots of time to think about things in a lot of detail.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 16, 2019, 09:36:58 PM
Separate houses make so much sense, especially given how hard it is to contain those giving-directions, giving-advice impulses. I hear that.

It's really nice to hear about the moments when she gets you, you get her, but it's peaceful. I'm sure her separate abode will help you both. What's the timeline? And what happens when or if she resumes her career? Is her mountain-house going to be home base for a life of traveling, staying with sweetie, etc? Or is the vision that should she commit to one partner, they'd live on your mountain too? Was that the dream, initially? Is there enough City close enough?

Probably one reason I've become more tolerable to myself and my group of others in the last decade+ is that I've moved over a LOT of advice-giving to here!

I'm so grateful for this space to give and receive it on almost a daily basis that words fail...

But if I imagine all of it compressed and pushed into 3D relationships, I think I'd strain them.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 20, 2019, 04:36:27 PM
Hops, the simple answer is YES - some or all of your suggestions. Holly Hut will be "home base". And then, come what may - work, travel & a sweetie intent on building his own place on his own land - we'll see, but she has her OWN, as in ownership... place. She figured out last night, it's been 20 years she had her own space... either living with Matt or her sister... or someone else as roommate.

We've been editing the studio today, while it "weathers" outside. It seems a bit more functional, cozy and balanced (fung shui-ish) than it did. I have a few trips up to the attic yet this afternoon - stuff to come down, stuff to go up - and how COOL is it to have a dry attic in a studio???!

What we're doing today is in no way "permanent"... there are lots of future plans/ideas/changes that will happen over time. But it's been kinda fun watching how the feel/ambience has changed... along with what we actually DO in the space.

Up till now, it's been the replacement for the pool house at the beach - part party room, group therapy room, no judgement zone, spill your guts space... and rumination on ideas. That's changing again.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on February 21, 2019, 10:14:10 AM
Sounds like you're creating sacred space, Amber: )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on February 21, 2019, 09:11:17 PM
And creative space, at so many levels.

A radiant idea that you're actually bringing into being, Amber.

Awed,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on February 22, 2019, 08:25:34 AM
Hmmm. I think youse guys are seeing something "extra" in this. It's OK, I just don't see the process/result being quite that magical. Heck if it's COMFORTABLE, and decluttered, so there's ROOM for creativity/productivity - I'll be happy.

A lot of "personal" stuff - photos over the years, Mike's bar puzzles, and toys... stuff like that is going away. When I moved in, I really had twice as much "stuff" altogether as I could comfortably fit anywhere... and since I'd already selected just the pieces/boxes that went to the house, the movers took a lot of stuff to the studio. That all needed to be sorted, donated, tossed, etc.

We made "provisional" steps along the way... finding a decent place for the bookcases I had, unpacking the 30 some boxes of books... which I did a first sort, putting them on the shelves. Still have 4 boxes of what I culled... and I have to do another resort. We recreated the old "poolhouse" too... as both Hol and I were processing the life changes, and friends would come and do the same. What happened in the poolhouse, stays in the poolhouse - LOL.

Over 3 years, I've sat in that space and "just looked". Been there morning, noon & night. I know what kinds of remodeling things should happen now. I have a long range plan, for putting some intention into the space - not just a slapdash, make do, to make the space functional design. There are some limitations - like the outlets are 5 ft up the wall instead of near the baseboards. No floor outlets; and that's a problem since the floor space is like 20 x 40 (I can't remember exactly). I detest cords running all across the floor.

There are 3 french doors to the deck that people check out the view once - and then they're done. LOL. It's not covered, so it's not terribly hospitable in the rain, snow or summer afternoon sun. There were some serious corners cut in building that double-decker, 360 degree deck too. It doesn't feel overly secure to me. And total lack of forethought to keep both sets of steps to porches/decks uncovered - shovelling snow from steps is a major job, but necessary for safety. That deck will get rebuilt before the one on the house...

because out back - in the old hot tub space - is where I want my outdoor kitchen. It MUST have a roof; half walls - with SCREENS and maybe shutters, too - so the 2nd floor deck is going to get "edited" to accommodate that first floor enclosed - but not "conditioned" space. I can get a propane patio heater to make it bearable in the winter when we tend to large groups here.

The Holly Hut is the "investment"/building priority this year; all I'm working on is the generator and gardens. We are discussing a metalworking shop; but that isn't all that much money to put up another insulated metal building and the site I have picked out, will access the same power line as the barn (we planned for that ahead of time). The buildings come pre-cut/painted and are installed on a concrete slab. I'm thinking it will go in my current shale pit - once we've cut it back as far as we need to, to reinforce the wet spots in the road. Shale makes a better road "topping" than gravel, in the kinds of downpours we've had.

Then, fence will come into play too. Hol is talking about alpacas, for the wool. She works primarily with fiber arts; I've talked about weaving off/on. And if it sounds like I'm biting off more than I can chew, for stuff to take care of... like I told the generator guys: it keeps me out of trouble and off the streets! LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on March 01, 2019, 03:57:13 AM
Wow, Skep, busy busy as always, always so much going on!  How do you manage to keep track of everything, do you have to write it all down or can you just remember?  It seems like dozens of different projects to manage, big and small!  Alpacas sound really cute, although I can never remember the difference between them and llamas (and wouldn't know which was which if I was looking at them).  Both cute, though! xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 01, 2019, 09:10:24 AM
About the term "sacred space."  I feel it when I clear out clutter, then clean a space down to the corners, and baseboards.... I can actually feel my Grandmother's farmhouse clean around me.... I can remember the smell, and feel of her sunny rooms, and what it felt to be in a space someone created for for me, and all she loved. 

It's like throwing a switch..... sacred or not sacred space. 

Sometimes I feel it in the kitchen after I break glass, then clean the floor so I'm 100% sure there's not a sliver of glass left.  SO CLEAN, and it's how care and time and attention FEELS when space is attended to with such care.

For me.

Lighter



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 01, 2019, 12:06:04 PM
Hi y'all!

That windstorm we had was mighty ferocious. By the morning, there were 43,000 Potomac Edison customers (First Energy has 3 different power cos.) in WV. By Friday morning, I still didn't have power and there were only 1400 left to reconnect. By 4 pm Friday, I was back in business though.

Holly carried 10 gals of pond water up to the house a day, so we could flush. I had both wood stoves rockin'... and the stove top is propane, so we ate. Amazing how many things I have stored though, that require the oven. That needs to change, I guess. I have plenty of solar lights - but turned out I didn't have a good way to charge ipad or phone. Phone I charged in the car.

All in all, that 4 days kept me hopping a LOT till I finally went to bed. Slowly but surely getting caught up with what went on in the mean time.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 02, 2019, 03:07:35 PM
Frankly, when I think "Amazon" -- I think YOU!!

Just amazing.
And sounds like H is too. 10 gallons of uphill water carrying?

Wowsers. Respect.

Still, old lady, be sensible. (I can pee on any parade...)
Don't hurt youssef!

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 02, 2019, 05:28:16 PM
Oh I respect the limitations - too much, according to the kid.

But I was able to keep up with both stoves and not wear myself out too badly. Getting ready for snow, now tomorrow - and kinda still "recovering" from the ABBY-normal we've been through.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 03, 2019, 11:08:45 AM
I've had a new idea tossed at me, that I want to run by you all. It's confusing me.

The idea is that we can simply CHOOSE to not feel old feelings from the past and instead free our feelings from the past associations and simply feel something new/different in the now. That it is simply a matter of choosing, will, and practice.
-------------------------------

It sure wasn't that way at all, grieving Mike. Those feelings would show up when I least expected them. Sometimes with no trigger.

So, ok. I know affirmations can be useful to feel differently. I know certain realizations can lift the 16-ton anvil of "over-responsibility" for others and their feelings; sort of a manic "personal responsbility" to "save the world"... and that's not ANYONE'S job.

But I also know that acceptance of the feelings associated from past experiences is absolutely necessary, to heal from them and that trying to avoid them - pretend they don't exist - or telling yourself you're "choosing" to not feel those things is one reason those feelings just DON'T.GO.AWAY (and some of us do suffer the psychosomatic physical consequences) and almost anything can trigger them... and you can find yourself years later still stuck in feeling the same emotions as in the past, almost AS IF - it is part of WHO you are.

That it's not just something that happened to you years ago; and you felt a certain way then - and have moved on, but that it was important to your definition of your SELF, to incorporate those feelings into your everyday reality. Whether anxiety, fear, terror, paralysis... guilt/self-blame for not being a super-hero...

I'm kinda rambling to get the ideas in my head, OUT where I can see them; where you can see them too... and maybe offer some "and" to the "either/or" opposites of these two ideas and our very real experiences. Maybe chronic abuse and trauma emotions differ from the more "garden variety" life emotions. Maybe a part/parcel of those extreme experiences have permanently altered the neural pathways and really ARE a "part of who we are" now.

I dunno what I think exactly. I am hearing a bit of subtle assumption that feeling those old feelings is somehow "wrong" or "limiting" or a waste of life moments. Which I know for a fact is NOT true, when you're actively working on yourself. But maybe there's an aspect of it which IS true, when a person is so attached to that one defining experience that it becomes a defining characteristic of one's self.

I kinda also think that we Amazons have been, still are, actively involved in sorting out this bit of "emotional logic" for ourselves, in a way that frees us from those old reflexes of feeling, at all different levels. So of course, I'm posing this puzzle to you all for imput! From your own experience.

Maybe it'll help me find an "aha!" somewhere in my thinking on it. Maybe you will find one.

ETA:
This "choosing what you feel" idea seems popular. Not necessarily effective... this article kind of makes sense to me on the topic:

https://heleo.com/choosing-happy-doesnt-work-heres-instead/10498/

ETA2:
Maybe the feelings don't stop/go away and are an accepted part of who we are -or rather WERE... AND... we can allow ourselves to change, grow, and not let those feelings be the "defining characteristic" of us???
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 03, 2019, 12:32:26 PM
What a deep and powerful question, ((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))).

I think it's taken me decades of repetitive stuckness to begin to see the reality of healing. But I measure it differently. What I see now isn't so much a change in the meaning of pain, as a change in the intervals and in the force of the pain.

The pain is pure and true and honest and reflects realities I have been through. To deny it would be to lie. But it's also okay to have hope and to notice change. Healing can't be a goal because somebody else thinks one should "get over it." Anyone who says that is only displaying their discomfort, their capacity for empathy becoming exhausted. That can surely happen, it's not evil to feel drained...though it's unkind to put it that way to someone's face. One should instead simply focus on self care to replenishment. And in some situations, one has to pass the torch to others who have a greater capacity at that moment or stronger filters just because they're made that way.

The fact that when it comes now, it comes at longer intervals, and its intensity and pitch, although real, feel less destroying...that's how I think it changes for me.

I was explaining to M recently my earliest realizations about sexism. Little stories from young childhood as I absorbed shocks about what it meant to be a girl. What I've come to accept is how profound that shock and grief felt from about age four onward. I didn't just think about it, I felt it like a blow to the soul. And I respect that little girl's pain and shock and disappointment in the way things are.

Now, it is something I accept as a deep part of who I am. I can't escape injustice and it won't be gone in my lifetime. But those emotions are part of who I am. Just as I'd never expect a black person to somehow eliminate all grief, all pain, over the culture they endure, how could I ask the same of myself or any woman? So it's part of me and rises now and then. But I'm not bitter. I'm just clear.

They're painful but the reason I think they will always be with me is that they are honest. Denying that pain would be denying myself. My voice.

I just keep minding the intervals, which get longer and are more filled with peace. The capacity for happiness increases over time, I find. The present gradually gets more important than processing the past.

As someone who went through the traumas you did, I can imagine that those particular emotions are something to respect. To honor. To recognize as deep and honest parts of your humanity.

What's disabling isn't the pain but fear of it. Or a sense that you've not "done your homework" if it recurs. I think accepting and embracing yourself with deep company, deep respect for the purity of grief, deep realization of the humanity of what you feel, is strengthening. You're not "failing" if old pain revisits.

Grief is like ripples and it makes no sense to "require" someone to be done with it. Each wave is a greeting from your purest heart. I don't perceive you as stuck, just so frantically busy that maybe a wave from Mike takes you by surprise.

It's terribly hard to sit and let the wave hit alone. It's labor. I'm glad you bring it here.

love and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on March 03, 2019, 12:56:43 PM
I've had a new idea tossed at me, that I want to run by you all. It's confusing me.

The idea is that we can simply CHOOSE to not feel old feelings from the past and instead free our feelings from the past associations and simply feel something new/different in the now. That it is simply a matter of choosing, will, and practice.
-------------------------------

It sure wasn't that way at all, grieving Mike. Those feelings would show up when I least expected them. Sometimes with no trigger.

So, ok. I know affirmations can be useful to feel differently. I know certain realizations can lift the 16-ton anvil of "over-responsibility" for others and their feelings; sort of a manic "personal responsbility" to "save the world"... and that's not ANYONE'S job.

But I also know that acceptance of the feelings associated from past experiences is absolutely necessary, to heal from them and that trying to avoid them - pretend they don't exist - or telling yourself you're "choosing" to not feel those things is one reason those feelings just DON'T.GO.AWAY (and some of us do suffer the psychosomatic physical consequences) and almost anything can trigger them... and you can find yourself years later still stuck in feeling the same emotions as in the past, almost AS IF - it is part of WHO you are.

That it's not just something that happened to you years ago; and you felt a certain way then - and have moved on, but that it was important to your definition of your SELF, to incorporate those feelings into your everyday reality. Whether anxiety, fear, terror, paralysis... guilt/self-blame for not being a super-hero...

I'm kinda rambling to get the ideas in my head, OUT where I can see them; where you can see them too... and maybe offer some "and" to the "either/or" opposites of these two ideas and our very real experiences. Maybe chronic abuse and trauma emotions differ from the more "garden variety" life emotions. Maybe a part/parcel of those extreme experiences have permanently altered the neural pathways and really ARE a "part of who we are" now.

I dunno what I think exactly. I am hearing a bit of subtle assumption that feeling those old feelings is somehow "wrong" or "limiting" or a waste of life moments. Which I know for a fact is NOT true, when you're actively working on yourself. But maybe there's an aspect of it which IS true, when a person is so attached to that one defining experience that it becomes a defining characteristic of one's self.

I kinda also think that we Amazons have been, still are, actively involved in sorting out this bit of "emotional logic" for ourselves, in a way that frees us from those old reflexes of feeling, at all different levels. So of course, I'm posing this puzzle to you all for imput! From your own experience.

Maybe it'll help me find an "aha!" somewhere in my thinking on it. Maybe you will find one.

ETA:
This "choosing what you feel" idea seems popular. Not necessarily effective... this article kind of makes sense to me on the topic:

https://heleo.com/choosing-happy-doesnt-work-heres-instead/10498/

ETA2:
Maybe the feelings don't stop/go away and are an accepted part of who we are -or rather WERE... AND... we can allow ourselves to change, grow, and not let those feelings be the "defining characteristic" of us???

Skep, this is more or less where I am at the moment so what you wrote has rung a big bell for me.

My thoughts, for what they are worth, is that the current, fashionable "you create your own reality with your thoughts, what you put out you get back, you attract your experiences to you, you don't have to let your feelings control you, you can chose how you respond" - and so on - are fine for the day to day, not too troubling stuff - the bus being late, the delivery not arriving, dinner getting burnt - but really no use at all for traumatic abuse, long term stress, grief, divorce, loss of a child, and so on.

I'd go so far as to say a lot of this stuff feels like victim blaming to me.  It feels that there is a trend now to be dismissive of the way someone feels - and if someone's having a nervous breakdown over a broken nail then yes, I'd be dismissive of that, but to suggest to someone who is grieving, for example, that they can chose different feelings, is not only a bit like treating someone with cancer as if they have a bit of a cold, but is also a rejection of reality.   I think that pit you can fall in to after something dreadful happens can be so deep and dark that most of us are lucky if we get through it without doing ourselves some serious damage.

I'm all for being proactive, problem solving, becoming self aware and so on but I'm also - as you know from my other threads at the moment - really keen on accepting the feelings that seem to be considered unwelcome.  There was an interesting Facebook discussion a while ago started by a woman who'd lived in a number of communal settings and who felt that the New Age "you attract your experiences into your life" was being used by some as an excuse for abuse and essentially browbeating victims who were being made to feel that it was their fault they'd been assaulted - same old story, just being told in a different way.

So no, I don't think we can choose to just feel differently.  I am currently in day four of my stupor.  I've done yoga, cleaned the house, read self help chapters, taken flower remedies, meditated, chanted, re-arranged the sitting room, watched comedy shows, visited a friend, been out with son, cuddled the cat, napped, had nice baths, eaten regularly - and I still feel like shit.  In all honesty, I'd cut my own arm off it it meant I never felt anything negative or unpleasant so if simply choosing not to feel like this worked I'd be delighted :)  I think it minimises the intensity of some life experiences.  I don't know if this makes sense!  It does to me at the minute but it might not later.  Lol xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 03, 2019, 03:06:13 PM
I'd go so far as to say a lot of this stuff feels like victim blaming to me. (http://I'd go so far as to say a lot of this stuff feels like victim blaming to me.)

Me too, Tupp. I kind of feel like mentally slapping people when I hear too much of this. I do get we can make effort to not be disabled by pain, just as we'd endure PT for the eventual hope of physical recovery. But the "you attract everything that happens to you and therefore are responsible for attractng a cure for everything" is bullshit, imo.

We need the help of others, interactions, being heard and validated, to heal. And some kinds of injury require more of this and some less. And that's just real, imo.

I also think that in some cases of stuckness, including my own at times in my history, true chemical depression has begun affecting the brain. I don't need them now, but for about 15 years, antidepressants were a massive help.

Not to sidestep essential pain, but to cope with too much darkness, more than my personal set of filters could cope with then. I feel no shame about that era at all.

xxoo
Hops

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 03, 2019, 04:21:39 PM
Maybe acceptance of those difficult feelings is easier for some people than others? So, once accepted fully - they then "choose" to no longer linger over them? Moving on, so to speak. I wonder about the process of accepting involved; and whether it's TRULY accepting, acknolwedging, honoring and living with those feelings... and forgiving oneself for being human, warts & all... or it's more avoidance, shutting the steel gates to those feelings... hardening one's heart to the voice within??

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the ideas and understand to the best of my ability. So, this is a new age-y thing? 20-30 years ago, "new age" had a whole different set of ideas. Then, feelings were idolized and mattered more than anything else.

I can't keep up with all these things. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 03, 2019, 10:34:05 PM
I think your initial question is a wise one.
There just can't be competition for healing better than someone else heals.
Humans and their wounds are as different as faces. So are lives and experiences.
Just as we needn't judge others we also need to not judge ourselves....

If someone's "moved on" then maybe they have and good on them.
If someone's still at work on healing then good on them too.

If someone's BRAGGING about having utterly healed from really bad things, then I do wonder. If someone's GRATEFUL for having healed then they ain't bragging.

I just don't think there's a secret formula that only special people know. I think we're very complex and very individual creatures and acceptance is easier and simpler for some than it is for others. And the others aren't "lesser" if that's true.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 03, 2019, 11:43:16 PM
I finally got to read all responses on this thread... so grateful for it, Amber.  Nice.

I'm still focused on the muscle testing/brain integration to trace back, and find initial threads of dis-ease in the brain, body and energetic systems.

I don't believe the primary indicator for successful treatment is how a person identifies with their abuse, or their abuser.   I believe it has more to do with the person's ability  to self reflect, and observe their inner world without turning away, distracting themselves or avoiding pain at all costs, which is how humans seem to deal with pain, and move through their worlds, IME.

We can hold belief systems that harm, and limit our ability to look inside, and observe our inner worlds.  Whether those belief systems, imbalances, blockages, negative coping strategies will persist depends, IMO, on whether we can come to a place where we learn to suspend judgement. amd endure discomfort/pain/shame/guilt, etc. IMO.

Defensive personality types, who deflect blame, and have fragile egos shattered by any hint of shame will struggle more than people who believe everything is their fault, IME.   

Trauma comes off in layers, as I've experienced it.  The deeper the trauma, the earlier the trauma, trauma involving bonds with caregivers, ongoing early trauma, etc will be deeper and more complicated than single incident trauma experienced later in life. 

Trauma that paralyzes us, makes us feel powerless, and at the mercy of,  is different than trauma we feel we can act through or on.

Nobody can tell someone else what makes sense to them, regarding how we heal, or learn to pay attention to that part of our lives.

Every factor involved.... spiritual, emotional, physical, biochemical, physiological, neurological, energetic, and support systems we have, or don't have in place, will present threads to symptoms, and causes that lead to layer after layer of work we can do, or not do, IME.

I don't think intelligence is a primary factor.... at least that's not been my experience that the most intelligent people do the work, or can do the work.  I've seen intelligent people work well with mental health professionals, and very intelligent people sneer at the idea, and make a mockery of therapy while careening into desperate situations, and death.

Some belief systems appear to be held in our unconscious minds.  We might feel strongly that we're ready to change or ready to choose new things, but not realize that a part of us just can't get there.  If our reticular activation system feels it's kept us safe up to this point, and can continue to keep us alive this way, then it might not see the need to change anything we otherwise feel is negatively effecting our lives, and we're sure we need to change.  The RAS might hold strong, and keep us locked in old patterns until we figure out how to address it, and re boot that belief.... engage the frontal lobe, and shift all the layers of belief within us so they correspond.

Every time I witness a brain balance, it always always leads down one rabbit hole after another, never the way intended, or anticipated, and always always leads to a starting point...  a thread to pull, and follow, and trace to deeper layers of trauma, as subsequent layers receive attention. 

That's enough of my 2 cents for now.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 05, 2019, 10:10:20 AM
New development:

Back when we had all the company, I was keeping myself occupied by sorting out/arranging all my art crap that I've hauled around for 20 some years or more, in the studio. I came across a sketch I made one afternoon of Mike - around the same time, I made the "farm mirage" drawing.

The likeness, for as much time as I put into it was pretty strong. (circa 2005)

So it got put up on the wall, across the room from where we sit & socialize. Along with a painting I did in '78 - before any formal art training - that shouldn't "work" because of the rules I didn't follow/broke that DOES work. Just been "looking" at both of them. The painting, I'd like to change the composition of the canvas size, but basically duplicate.

And 2 nights ago, I pulled out the drawing and started working on the hand gesture. Worked till about 2 am. And midnight, last night. Looks like it's going to become a finished drawing. It's fascinating, that I can remember details about his body structure; the specific haircut he had then - but if I have 3 things to do today and make myself a note - by the time I've written the first 2 down, I've forgotten the 3rd. LOL.

Anyway, the drawing seems like it's some kind of catharsis or exorcism of "something"; it's not about him at all, either. It's something about "me" that is getting dealt with.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 05, 2019, 01:38:49 PM
It's nice to picture you rediscovering these pieces of art...... appreciating them... diving back into them, Amber.



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 05, 2019, 09:46:15 PM
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 15, 2019, 11:02:02 AM
It sure is quiet in here lately! I take it, people are investing in real life stuff?

Drawing is finished as of yesterday - Mike's birth day, by coincidence. If I figure a good place to upload to, that I can link to... instead of trying to upload pics here, I will post the link. I haven't had a FB account for at least 6 months and Mike's was shut down as a "memorial page" some time ago.

Still just feeling whatever the drawing phase was; no real coherent observations out of it... except it had less to do with grief processing, nothing at all to do with him, and was "some other thing" that it was finally the "right time" to play with pencils again. I've cussed the crappy sketchbook paper every single session of work... I usually draw on 100% rag paper. I built up the shape and character of his face & hand... and the overall posture he was in... with one after another & another layer of light tones, and rarely resorted to the softer, darker B pencils. So, it's a very "tight" drawing - again. But soft. What my basic "style" has always been. The likeness is clear; but there are still things about the drawing that make it look flat; 2D instead of 3D to me. And I think it's because my "memory" of him from then and the afternoon I made the original sketch... was 14 years ago. I wasn't working from "life".

House guest is back after being released. He is very much improved and now, the kinds of things that Hol and I can do... are effective. Trying to help him get launched on his new life, and there have been productive discussions/activities along those lines. He's sleeping all night now. He's engaged and aware of things/people around him more too. So we'll see what happens.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 15, 2019, 12:06:10 PM
I was all ready to launch into happy workings on DD's graduation announcements, when you closed with houseguest's return.   Just not sure how to feel about that.  You seem to be doing just fine with it, so will send productive thoughts your way.

::crossing fingers for all of you::.

Lighter


Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 15, 2019, 09:46:46 PM
Really super glad about art, Amber.

Not glad about the returned freeloader project.

Also hoping things will turn out well given your change of mind.

Hugs and good wishes for all of this...life is complex!

Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 17, 2019, 10:45:12 AM
His month or more in the hospital has truly helped him. Combination of one on one counseling, group and they also convinced him to try ECT.

There initially was some flailing about his plans to get back on his feet - at one time, he was a pretty successful photographer and was signed to NYC galleries - but the logistics of that, is something Hol & I specialize in and we broke that down into basic first steps. We can help a little.

We've been able to let him process his recent experiences even more - and it's clear he's no longer stuck in pain and trying to find a rational way to fix and/or deal with a crazy person in his life. He's accepting that taking care of himself and rebuilding his life is required before he even contacts her re: visitation with his son again.

I think he's going to be OK. And I'm OK with it too. The freeloader bit isn't quite accurate, in his situation. He was truly devastated by what he'd been put through by an N and completely lost everything in his life. Dealing with the emotions prevented him from the capability to make a decision and move forward on it before treatment. I no longer get the sense that he's expecting other people to regulate his emotions. That really threw me for a loop and churned up my own steaming pile o' crap.

And he's only once brought up initiating contact with the N, who is vindictive and totally bat-**** crazy, and quickly understood that he's not strong enough yet; doesn't have a firm base in living his own life yet to even consider that. He needs to rebuild self-respect, by doing for himself and nurture some more resilience. And turn that crap into compost.

And even then, direct contact is going to have to wait a bit longer until he's really in a position to counter the lies that have been told about him. With how he lives his life and lawyers. If she has no ammunition - except fantasies and lies - to use against him, he has a much better chance of winning at least time to see his son. But he has to stay out of her ability to target him, until then. We know how badly an N needs a scapegoat and how much pleasure they can take in destroying said scapegoat. Especially when that person internalizes all that stuff and questions their own sanity.

I must say, that I'm impressed with the hospital staff. They did an excellent job, in a relatively short amount of time, teaching him to unknot that tangled ball of yarn of "the story of what happened, the feelings, the powerlessness and anger/frustration". It's a visible difference in him. And he's been working in his sketchbook... again, concrete visible signs of improvement in use of color, etc. There's a small community of artists in the town "over the mountain" and a small private university... so I think that's going to be his launching pad.

Close enough to the city, so when he is ready to attempt seeing his son, it won't be impossibly difficult to get there. Student housing will be opening up soon, as well some jobs in the hospitality realm and music is a big deal here - and he likes music a lot. Hol and I are close enough to be a support network too - without "doing it for him".

Meanwhile - mio-mio has disappeared. The house has been searched top to bottom a couple of times; no sign of her. A door got left open, and she has been out before - curiosity. There is no sign of her outside either - and the dogs haven't alerted to anything. So, it may very well be that she's exited my life as unexpectedly as she dropped into it. By her own choice. Freddie is taking full advantage of that and hasn't given any signs of knowing where she went, either. She was a special kitty; I've had several. But the first weeks I was here, I realized she would eventually get out and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. She wasn't ever an outdoor cat, so if she does show up again later I'm going to be massively surprised.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 17, 2019, 05:11:27 PM
Amber:

This young man is lucky to have your massive compassion, and support from the safety of your home.  Again.  HIs past, and his present, and his future are coming into focus in your safe space.  Just an amazing gift from you and Hol. 

I am concerned about compassion and understanding warping out of shape... into boundary transgressions, and excuses.  Not bc of you or him, but bc it's sometimes difficult to keep perspective when we want a particular outcome so so much for someone else, with no control. 

You didn't have the ability to do the work the professionals managed, and young man benefited from his time there.  He might need a tune up before the next level of healing begins.  It's OK to be proactive there.  It's not failure.... not a step backwards.  Maybe he'll need help internalizing what he's learned, and cementing it in place, which would be normal while he learns how to handle overwhelming feelings.  Not sure, but his ability to be open to your help is possible bc of the help at the hospital, and awareness around that is necessary, IMO.

Reasons are different than excuses.  Accepting responsibility, and our part in things, is different than assigning blame, without understanding.  You know this better than I, but sometimes we're so close, so invested in specific outcome, we can lose sight without realizing it, IME. 

Good luck with that.  He's a very lucky young man.  You and Hol are very kind spirits.

I hope Mio Mio turns up.  It seems like the door opened, let the guest in, and Mio Mio out. 

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 17, 2019, 05:14:56 PM
Can one copy and paste grace?

I'd like to just echo the grace and wisdom of everything Lighter wrote, that I couldn't figure out how to say.

Same concerns, same respect and caring.

with love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 22, 2019, 12:29:39 PM
Mio-mio mystery solved. I had strange dreams last night; and Freddy's been extra lovey - even put his paw on my hand as I went to sleep. So... something "directed" me to recheck the new sofa bed in the office... and there I found her. Right before I was leaving the house, even.

I had looked before - the angle of the sofa back left a big enough hole for her to crawl behind it to get comfy and well hidden on the pullout part of the mattress. I guess my flashlight didn't catch her when I looked before or she was hiding somewhere else then. It's a darker upholstery.

I ran up to get her blanket and an angora glove of mine, that she kept stealing from me and carrying around like a kitten or playing with - throwing it up in the air. If it warms up a little, I'll sprinkle some catnip on her too, before I cover her up. I think she'll go out where Mike's ashes are, more or less. She's in the chilly garage for right now... and I have some clean up to do.

Kitties do this, hide to die, I think to spare us. So I knew without knowing. Now, I know.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 22, 2019, 06:48:49 PM
Oh, no.... Amber.

I was distracted through that post, and didn't figure out Mio was gone till the last sentence.  So very sad, but I'm glad you found her. 

I'm glad kitty chose a safe, warm indoor space where she was loved as her final resting place.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 22, 2019, 08:13:01 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry, Amber.
(((((((((You and Miou Miou)))))))))).

I too didn't quite understand you were saying you'd found her dead.
Until I added it up.

Bless her for her peaceful cat sense of how to go about it.
All is well with her.

And I'm sorry you had that sad discovery.

love to you,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 23, 2019, 09:17:11 AM
When I was still trying to find her, of course my imagination did bad, bad things to me. There were only 2 actual possibilities: she was hiding somewhere in the house (which I knew what that meant in "kitty speak") or she got out. Easy enough to mix her & Freddy up in the dark and with Freddy going in/out all the time... any of us could've made the mistake.

Knowing is way better than not knowing for me. Had my little wake for her last night and today I get to take care of her again, assuming I can dig a hole deep enough in my rock cliff hill. Holly's idea of a pyre sounds better than digging since it snowed again last night. Maybe house guest will help, if I need it.

House guest is making progress on finding a place to live and getting a job, in the small city "over the mountain". It's good timing for that. He's been helpful around here too - we built some shelves in the garage and started getting that space another phase toward "functional". And he cooks! Honestly, he suffered at the hands of a very PD-malevolent partner and tried to resolve the conflict being gaslighted rationally - which as we know, doesn't really work. But the effort of doing that led him down some obsessive rabbitholes... and he really needed the pro help to get past doing that; grieve what had happened to him; and let go to be able to move on.

He lost friends as well as most of his possessions (including studio equipment) so it's completely starting over from scratch. Holly has introduced him around the people she still knows in town, where he'll be able function without personal transportation. And it's not like he can't come & VISIT here, and vice versa. Hol is usually in town at least once every couple weeks. He's getting super excited about "having a life" - his life - again.

Hol and her sweetie are spending a lot of time together as well. It seems to be going pretty well. She's started the process of working with a contractor toward building the Holly Hut, too. Her own place here. Bigger than a tiny house; not as big as many houses built in the last century after 1920.

So there is LOT going on around here! Generator project is scheduled for the end of the month and it's an expensive undertaking initially. But it's worth it to me, to have the labor-saving "conveniences" (which are the bare minimum) for living "off-grid", in those situations where there isn't any choice. After the wind storm last month and 4 days without power and only minimal assistance from Hol & Steve... I was convinced it was necessary "for me".
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 23, 2019, 01:03:09 PM
Well, that's DONE. I wasn't sure I'd be able to dig deep enough out here - but some kind of determined energy showed up from nowhere. I feel much much better that she's sleeping her last nap, close by. I really wanted to "take care of her" one last time. Myself.

Mio-mio I think, absorbed & used up a lot of my "needing to be needed" habit. Especially when it was just the two of us. Now that she's not sharpening her claws on all the wood inside my house - I can finally sand it all down and where needed, seal the wood up too.

She was a very good kitty friend.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 23, 2019, 08:33:26 PM
I'm glad you figured out how to get Mio Mio into her final resting place.  I'm sure you chose some place nice, and comforting.

The entire experience sounds very cathartic for you, Amber.

I hope it is.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 24, 2019, 08:22:27 AM
She was always pretty independent and not a snuggler like some kitties are; half wild and reluctant to be around anyone but me. Not even Holly. Over the years, that changed... she got snugglier with me and even Mike, as we buried his mom, the dog, and the other two cats. She barely let me out of her sight when Mike was sick and even travelled with me - after. She definitely approved of this place, especially as I designated my bedroom as the "kitty safe space" during remodeling or when dogs were here.

But in the mornings, while I'm taking my time waking up and letting myself feel and readjust she would always come lay right up next to me for "kitty pet time". That's as close as she got to being a lap kitty, except once or twice - after Caffiene & Mike passed she came to sit on my chest in bed.

Some cats are "just a cat" - like Freddy; just showing up here and deciding to stay. But mio-mio looked to me to protect her from all the stuff that was scary to her, and keep her happy. She picked me out of a parking lot full of people trying to catch her and snuggled right up from that minute on - even if she kept her distance from everyone else. I was just finishing up therapy back then, I think.

That kind of bond, you don't just "shop" for another one. They either happen or they don't; and usually it's the cat that decides. A dog makes much more sense out here too. But as much as Knuckles and I are learning to get along - there are times I just want to give him benedryl and put him in a straightjacket. Super high energy. Steve's big old chocolate lab on the other hand - Beebs - is way more my speed and kind of a clown in his own right. This big old guy cries like a little baby when you stop petting him... LOL. And he eats kibble - one tiny piece at a time.... no gulping for him!
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 24, 2019, 02:46:20 PM
Oh that sweetness. They know when you're grieving. Bless 'er.

For me it's senior dogs only going forward; I'm a year from 70. When it's Next Dog time (no years without as before) I'll head for the pound and find a great ole dog who can still raise a ruckus at a boogeyman, but is otherwise mellowed out. My other limit is 20 pounds max, which feels strange since I had only big dogs (one so big he was remarkable, a purebred yellow lab who somehow got giantish and was dispatched to the pound because he was a "lousy hunter", according to the breeder). Sweetest animal I've ever known.

Present Pooch is 20 pounds but a hundred pounds of charm. Most affection, torso-squashing-into dog I've ever had. Affectionate or needy, take your pick.

I hope the right animal with the right personality appears at the right time for you, ((((Amber)))). And all hail Miou Miou aways. You'll never forget her. I still have times when I enjoy a reverie about my last cat (before I developed the allergy, six months before she died). She was very small, half calico and half siamese. Shy and beautiful. Always ran away when guests came, except once when my Dad visited me in another state. Out of the blue, she trotted down the stairs and made a beeline for his lap. Animals and babies always knew instantly he was better than safe.

Miou Miou was a lucky girl and you did her proud.

xxoo
Hops

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 28, 2019, 01:51:27 PM
Busy days...

Contractor approves of the site for the Holly Hut; I'm doing prep work ahead of the generator project; planning garden work; and house guest moves into his own place tomorrow.

Lots of stuff moving forward right now.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 28, 2019, 02:31:37 PM
Well that was a lovely update, Amber.

And on such a lovely day.  It's sunny, cool, a little breezy,  and perfect for mossing, which sis and I have done a bit of. 

::sending Amber, dd, and house guest congrats on every front::.

Well done, moving things along: )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on March 30, 2019, 10:32:58 AM
I'm still resting from yesterday. Ran all over town, managing my errands and getting house guest ready to tackle the cleaning of his tiny bachelor pad and setting up a kitchen. The rest of the house, he's keeping rather minimal as there is just no space. We found a table that would work for his artwork - and serve as a dining table too. Bought a folding camp chair that he can repurpose later to his porch. Holly will take him a log next week, to use as a little table out there too. He's borrowing my air mattress till he figures out getting a mattress into his place. They had some at the thrift store we visited; all brand new.

He's got some "have tos" on his list that I'll remind him of on Monday... then the "mom reflex" needs to stand down. He can get to everything he needs on foot; with public transportation; possibly a bike or moped. With a ride or Uber, he can get to the train system and get back to Baltimore when he's ready for that. He has several lines on jobs too, to follow up on. The place is very small; think small even for a tiny house - but he does have a porch, and a back yard/parking area; it's extremely private and VERY green in that section of town - surrounded by single family homes. He's only a couple of small town blocks to the main downtown area. LOL, and he can pizza and other food delivered... unlike out in my neck of the woods. Should he need them, the hospital staff are close too. Hol introduced him to the good friends she's known in town for ages... so it's a good supportive send-off, launching platform for him.

We have gotten really used to him being here in 3 months - even though he was in the hospital for almost 2 of those months. So, Hol and I are readjusting to having "our" space back again... and I'm catching up on some of those tasks that I just let slide off the list, indulging my "need to be needed" for as much as he would let me. We worked out those boundaries pretty well this 2nd time. And he helped me a lot in the garage and with ideas on some of my projects.

Only this past week or so, is the weather conducive and other projects moving some "requirements" along to getting back in that groove. But I still have some time yet and can work at my own pace again. My head is taking a serious look at the "need to be needed" thing... and I think I can shift it a little, direct it into "purpose" and adapt it to better identifying and fulfilling my own needs as well. At least, there is now space to do that and the freedom to go about it, the way I like to. LOL.

We discussed all the varying forms of "freedom" in some depth and detail. And it's link to being "connected" to others and yet in control of the things we all need to really have our "own life".
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on March 30, 2019, 02:23:42 PM
Lordy, that need to be needed thing, Amber.

So many sharp edges, and tiny spaces for it to creep back in, IME.

I hope house guest is OK.

Truly.

Lighter


Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on March 30, 2019, 03:45:10 PM
((((Amber))))).

I wonder if a wiser way to enact the human need to be needed, in your case, because of boundary challenges, wouldn't be to be a minnow.

IOW, to join other minnows in a small pond of altruistic productivity? Rather than re-event all wheels because you are always a cowgirl?

IOW, to volunteer with an existing worthy organization that is not perfect but stems from the local community and responds to real needs there?

Habitat for Humanity?
Rescue squad/fire house support?
Women's shelter?
Animal shelter?
Hospital volunteers?
Small biz mentoring?
Civil rights group?
Food insecurity help?
Community garden?

Just a thought. Seems that introversion can become isolation and intelligence and independence can become stratification? Interesting to follow that line of thought, anyway. Not a substitute for highly individual, highly personalized meetings of needs. But a complement that anchors it into wider community in a mental-health affirming way, imo.

Couple hours a week or a half-day a month can bring a big shift in perspective, allow you to be needed but in a way you do not always completely structure yourself. (Out of the comfort zone, I know...but it's just a hunch you'd benefit.)

xxoo
Hops

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 02, 2019, 12:05:02 PM
Focus for the next little while is just on me, me, me Hops. With Hol having a "standing coffee date" once a week with her friends over the mtn... including former house guest... there's a whoosh of "settling" energy for a bit. She has lots of other things going on, too - I can't keep up with her doin's. I'm struggling a little against just resting, because I have things to finish up, "just the way I want"... but on the whole I'm happy to have some "rutabaga" (ie, vegetable) time. I've caught a bit of cold bug or something is acting like pollen - even tho the weather people say it's low right now - and the trees really aren't doing much here.

The weather isn't helping; chilly and gray - but blessedly drying up around here! When I'm ready to don the boots & pearls and climb back into the bobcat, it'll need to be a little warmer. So I'm thankful I don't have to fight the mud right now. Spring just isn't strong enough to move winter along on it's way to the end of the year yet.

I have lots of non-farm related stuff to attend to, also. Legal stuff. Changes. After now years of thinking about it, I think I'm finally ready to sit down and git R done. Just letting passionate feelings settle long enough to finally know, it's the right thing to do... even if, that was my initial instinct. Making plans for me, too. But they aren't as far along yet.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on April 02, 2019, 03:19:52 PM
Well all that sounds healthy too!
It's good to hear your focus less on Hol and more on your own life.
(That doesn't diminish her significance in your life, but it's good to hear you kind of back in your own life, which is where we all mostly must live and make decisions.)

Big hugs and kudos,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 07, 2019, 11:55:00 AM
annnnnnndddd... just like that, outta the blue...

I got an invitation to meet someone over dinner. Not from the dating site; from one of the forums I read from time to time. I don't post much anymore there because I just spend too much time chatting online with people anyway. Pretty much down to this place (you all) and one other off-grid forum of folks I've known and had mutually caring communications with for a long time.

I've been tossing around whether I would respond to him; and how. Hol took off to hunt morels with her "green man" sweetie. I'm just fiddling around this morning getting things tidied up - will have company the end of the month again. My friend Deb and possibly one of the gents from that forum that I'm still participating in. We're trading some things; and his health is very fragile now. He let me call him at any time of night when I was going through the worst of the Mike thing. A friend; a good friend. Not to say I don't entertain fantasies from time to time. But he really is terminal and may not be able to make the trip. He's postponed a couple times already because of needing hospital care. He's wanting to hang in there until his daughter graduates HS.

It's warm enough today I might need to put shorts on... so many things "to-do"... that I've been just living with, the way it is and doing other things. I just need to start SOMEwhere and get a couple of those things off my mental list.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on April 07, 2019, 02:50:49 PM
Hi Amber:L

Just a reminder to not get all bug bit in those shorts.  It could be time to sluff, have a pedicure, and pay attention to moisturizing hands, face, and skin generally, bc you just never know; )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on April 07, 2019, 06:55:15 PM
Well there you go! Just dinner. And just a human.

What's nice, I found, is to think of any/every date as "practice."
That really bleeds the valve and lowers the psi.

You're awesome, Amber. And doing such a great job of living life.

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on April 09, 2019, 06:22:44 AM
That all sounds like you're in a good place, Skep :)  The dinner sounds like a really nice opportunity.  I did laugh about the duct tape in the dating profile :)  Lol, it might be the bit that makes some men more interested!  You never know :)  I hope the dinner goes well and I'm glad things have worked out with your houseguest - he's been very lucky to find you and H.  I hope H's house plans start to come along well, will you manage that as well as your own place or is Holly doing everything to do with it?  It all sounds very exciting (and busy!) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 09, 2019, 10:27:41 AM
Tupp, she'll ask me questions here & there. My opinion on things. The contractor has opinions too, that she needs to listen to. But I am not involved in this project; just paying for it. There are some legalities that I'm tap-dancing through... and for the time being, have to shoulder those. Eventually, the property will be shared ownership.

I think she's done pretty well, paring down her "wish list" of aesthetic features to something more practical, energy-wise. It'll be a cute little house. Big research project at the moment is being able to source/install/design an off-grid solution to the electric issue. I have a feeling it's going to require removing more trees than she wants to take out. But given how many just tip over around here... I can see the wisdom in that. Also - we have an abundance of carpenter bees and also termites. So, all that is a consideration in the site and construction design.

When your main goal is to provide pleasing shelter in a way that minimally disturbs the setting and natural geological/flora environment, the challenges and decisions start to add up. She likes having her head full of that kind of thing. I've been doing it so long, that I have to stop her from throwing a whole week's worth of schedule/activities at me... LOL. I just want to deal with "today's list". Let's see how that goes, and THEN I'll decide on the other stuff!
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on April 09, 2019, 03:12:56 PM
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Concrete!
Glass!
Passive solar!
Earth sheltered!
Straw bale!
Arcosanti!
Thermal!
Wind turbine!
Plus a Tuli Kivi!

WOO HOO!

Speaking of vicarious...
xo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on April 10, 2019, 11:09:40 AM
I love watching shows where these earth homes are constructed. 

Just amazing, and round, and pleasing.... artist marked.... nothing negative, IMO.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 12, 2019, 06:13:00 PM
Things are moving along. I have a big propane tank sitting in my "yard" (it's not much of one really) waiting for next week's install of generator & excavater to bury the tank and dig a trench for the pipe to the generator. My backhoe guy will be along this weekend to look at improving the road to the Holly Hut area; Ronnie was here today I showed him... so he'll have some ideas too. He brought his Mom and stepdad, to ride 'up the mountain' with him today. He's starting pool rehab soon; looks good and seems to be more his old self. His mom just kept laughing at me... some of the things that come out of my mouth. <shakes head>

Mr. Forum guy who contacted me out of the blue... started pressing me with questions, then insisted we talk on phone, since he isn't the world's best typist - even after I explained that I do much better making myself understood writing it down, than talking. So, I summarily shut.it.down. I was feeling a tad creeped out, because we'd never conversed with each other on any topics previous to the PM request. A couple years ago, another guy used exactly the same method to get me to talk to him. And I did meet him; and he was even creepier in person.

An online friend who was a moderator at that forum, from the past experience... told me last night, that's how news articles about women found dead start. LOL. I mighta freaked out, but you know what? I feel much relieved now, not dealing with him anymore. Some of the younger married guys who are my friends implied much the same thing. So, I'm glad that's not going to be an on-going thing.

It might sound like I rejected him for his lack of typing, which would be terribly unfair. But what threw my radar into a tailspin was all the similarities between this guy and the one from a few years ago. First guy had contacted several women on the forum, who were recently divorced or widowed - not just me. And tried the same thing with them. Guy #1 read like a total control freak to me, and was specifically looking for domestic "help" - with no consideration whatsoever for my plans, on my place. I literally felt like I was fleeing that first encounter.

So when the patterns matched up on this recent one... I just didn't want it to go any further. I've always had pretty good "creep" radar (given my history) so even if I was wrong about him, I'd rather be safe - and comfortably alone - than sorry. I do remember to double check with other people about the situation, too. Get their perspective before deciding.

Had some time to myself - Hol is helping Steve out, since his car died and she's amazingly tired from all the driving she's been doing. They're getting home tonight, earlier than expected. I just finished up a batch of toll house cookies, and will make a savory meatloaf, mashed taters and broccoli slaw and keep things ready for them to eat when they get here. The rest of the weekend is going to be busy and she won't be around either. I realized some time today, that yesterday was one of M's & my anniversaries... would've been 20 years together.

SOME times, I think I might just be clinging a bit too tightly to what is now past history and trying to make that "nutritious" emotionally. It's definitely NOT, though. I think I am ready to tackle someone new... (maybe not literally)... but, I'm still gonna weed out the guys that are making me feel like I'm doing something I don't really want to do. Just because that's what THEY need. I think I've done that enough already.

Now for something REALLY different! So, without having any criteria... or a plan... just going to mess around trying some different things. Found an over 50 group called "stitch". People get together in groups for activities and meet people face to face that way. Not just romantic things, but friends too. I'm debating joining; everything close to me is in NoVa. And I definitely don't do things in that locale anymore and definitely not alone, especially at night. All very conscious choices, based on my wretched night vision for driving back home. I might be able to come up with creative workarounds. Or I just might find actual local groups to go "play" with - based on certain activities. The biggest, oldest ham radio club is around the corner from where we used to live over the mountain. Once I get my antenna up (I got licensed when we lived at the beach)... I'm going to need help, and those guys/gals are close enough to me to do so. New connections.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on April 13, 2019, 12:49:04 PM
OK..... I'm glad you're instincts are working, you're listening to them, and validating them through others. 

And... I didn't know you needed to be licensed to operate a Ham Radio.  You just get in there, and mix things up, Amber.  See what shakes out.

::nod::.

Glad to read a positive update for Ronnie.  Thanks for that.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 24, 2019, 08:50:05 AM
Well, Ronnie's asked me to dinner some weekend. The next couple aren't going to pan out - expecting company (I still need to post a blessed schedule of reservations around this place! So much for solitude... LOL.) I think he's bored and a little lonely in his new life and just needs a friend. He came out again yesterday with his mom & stepdad to get out in the woods again... and Ricky was here, working on widening and improving the road to the future Holly Hut.

Former house guest came out to hang out and spend an overnight; he's still in search of a job but working at it. His tiny apartment is working out pretty well for him so far.

Pollen's at it's prime right now; the redbuds are gorgeous this year and even the oaks are budding out "right on schedule". Yesterday was a tad hot for me, but we're getting weeks of actual "spring" this year... and I'm pacing myself on the outside work. I do have to clean house though, because of company... and it's driving me a bit bonkers trying to do both. Hol is helping of course - but she's often not here, going between Steve's place, the city over the mtn, and taking care of getting herself permanently a resident here.

She's got work in B'more this weekend and hoping to wind up the process of clearing her stuff out of Matt's house. I'm taking a breather from planning any more projects at the moment... I just have to get the other little things done FIRST so I don't feel like I'm piling it all on myself. Hol is planning a moon garden, and she potted up half a dozen peonies to eventually transplant at the "hut". LOL... cart before horse a little bit... she needs to get her floor plans to contractor, and talk about off-grid system vs running power. And she definitely has "neighbors"; Steve saw a young bear the last time they walked the back 40. The old folks with Ronnie, are always armed when they traipse around down there.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on April 24, 2019, 01:17:12 PM
You're always planning and making busy, Amber.  Hows the outdoor kitchen plan coming?  It's nice Ronnie has your friendship.  I wonder if he'd enjoy giving opinions on some of your projects... as they evolve?

Tweaking the right amount of socializing, and solitude will take a while, but sounds like you'[re on it to me. 

I'm glad H has this weekend job, and new love interest while she's finishing up loose ends at ex's.  Hopefully she'll sail through. Hopefully there's closure, and peace around it.

Glad the visitor continues to do well.  That's a good story, Amber/

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 25, 2019, 08:52:28 AM
Ronnie freely suggests ideas and hands out advice. LOL. It's good to have a second opinion.

House guest is doing well. His first visit, he was totally broken. There is no doubt that his ex is a malicious, vindictive N, definitely sociopathic tendencies. He let himself believe he could "fix it" by reasoning with her, saying just the right combination of words and sincerely believing them. And when it became too much - or too crazymaking - for him to fix. Then, he couldn't stop thinking suicide was the only out of the emotions he was feeling. We know how miserable those can be. That was just more than I could be around and I sure couldn't get through his obsession either.

After 6 weeks or so, almost 2 months of active treatment in the hospital, his second visit was a second chance for us to try to explain that he wasn't alone in being treated that way; he wasn't just spectacularly "lucky" to have experienced such things. He could actually relate to both Hol's and my experiences - including the ongoing Amy saga - and start to see that there are plenty of people in the world "like that". We could explain, that sometimes people who've been through that trauma develop almost the same personality characteristics (as camo/survival for existing around N). We could share the things we CHOSE to pull ourselves out of it; to "see it coming" better in the future; and to know how to listen to our own inner voice/emotions when something "felt wrong".

So that was a good transition time from intensive treatment, and for us - an ability to observe if he would stay on his welbutrin Rx and involve himself in self-care. So it was a shorter time he was with us. I knew he needed to - wanted to - get back on his feet and independent again. And we were able to help him do that; put him in touch with other artists in the community; help him with finding his way around and making work contacts.

He's been on his own for a month. So when Hol spontaneously decided it was time to get him back here for a hangout, laughs, and an update that's what happened. It's a little reinforcement for him, too. His "support network" - which did not exist for him prior to the first visit - is still here.

Sigh. Perhaps if I'd known (or Hol had known) more of the background, we would've been better prepared for the first visit. But I'm not kicking myself; I hit my limit and seriously needed some peace & quiet again. And the hospital did a stellar job; he's still praising the nurses he encountered and his doctor. He's back in touch with siblings, too. His brother brought him a bike, so he's more mobile now.
He is really committed to putting a life back together after his "nightmare" phase. He's pursuing it with due diligence.

So, alls well that ends well. And he's adopting my "living well is the best revenge" policy - LOL. With proper boundaries, an understanding of the "bait & switch" game N's love, and putting taking care of himself at the top of the list... he's saving himself. We just helped him get to where he COULD.

Outdoor kitchen is on hold for the time being Lighter. It will start to happen about the time I do something about the decks out back. And I've started to lose shingles... so the roof retrofit (w/more insulation hopefully) moves up the list.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on April 25, 2019, 10:06:36 PM
The visitor's story restores my belief in humanity, Amber.  That friend is lucky to have your support, wisdom, empathy, and ear.  I'm sorry you didn't understand how to help him sooner, but who would have?  These things unfold, IME.   

Well done.  Amazing job.  You and Hol did an amazing job.  I see good things for the visitor, bc of your care: )

And.... of course Ronnie's giving advice, and enjoying fellowship. 

That was a great update post, Amber. 

Thanks,
Lighter

 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on April 29, 2019, 01:57:13 AM
The 'Living well is the best revenge' policy has been a life saver for me.  What I do find difficult is finding that balance between needing/wanting to sift through the past, feel it, examine it, deal with it, and needing/wanting to move on, do new things, find your new path.  What I've also found very difficult is that our Western society leans towards evidence of 'living well' as gaining financial and material wealth, or positions of power.  I've found it more difficult to focus on things that aren't obvious - feeling happier, dealing with problems in a healthier way, setting boundaries and so on - and using that as a barometer of living well.  It's just the way we shift through life, isn't it?

Lighter's right, he's very lucky to have you around for him and it's great that you've got Ronnie about for ideas and feedback as well.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on April 29, 2019, 09:49:43 AM
Tupp, I don't care a whit for how other people gauge "living well" - I have my own definition. Not saying there's a thing wrong with their yardstick, as long as they don't judge mine. LOL. Different things matter to me, on my yardstick.

Question about your comment on a switch flipping, Tupp:

I wonder if you're forcing yourself to "suffer" or pay the price to something/someone ahead of "just doing"? As if you KNOW, you're going to pay for it anyway, one way or another? Based on past experience? I certainly felt that, at different times in my life. Like my wish to have things done, didn't matter as much, as all the plethora of things - big and little - that I could be doing instead (that someone ELSE thought was important).

As far as diving back into the past goes, I've pretty much stopped doing that. For me, I have already delved it; gained some "treasure" - enough to be able to free my mind from obsessively seeking "uncontrovertable evidence"; I've already gotten the insight/evidence that was there - and while the old habit lingers on, I spend less time "looking back" now and more time choosing (actively) in the present and planning for the future. I do still do it; and sometimes Hol will point out that I'm still trying to justify present choice/action on past experience - which is a self-limitation.

I can't tell you how valuable it is, to have someone who's done this kind of work around to get feedback from. Like this board. It's too easy to get lost in our own labyrinths of thought-ruts... where we simply relive the same old neural paths over & over. An outside opinion - even if it's wrong - can help SOOOO much in changing those thought-ruts to a smooth road that actually goes somewhere.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 11, 2019, 09:26:09 AM
Been "making hay while the sun shines" around here, and this weekend the weather is cool & wet. Have a flock of plants lined up to go in soon. Kitchen beds are done except for stabilizing the taller stacks of blocks - and I planted two kinds of garlic and one of onions.

BIG milestone, since that project got delayed a year and I was a bit tentative about dealing with the bobcat to move topsoil up that hill. Most of the grass has been mowed at least once, so far. The big garden field needs mowed again - and then I'll be dragging the disc through areas for beds (for next year).

Holly's got 6 big pots with peonies coming up; I've got an old-fashioned lilac, echinecea, and a replacement oregano for one that didn't make it through last year's monsoon and the winter. Hol has started splitting wood, from the big pile of trees we cut last year.

I found a place over the mountain that recycles electronics. I can FINALLY purge that pile of gizmos and gadgets that Mike couldn't let go of, and that I kept thinking they might be useful ("someday"). Right now - I just don't want it all.

House guest helped me get some new shelves up and in place in the garage under the studio. I can finally finish the purge out there, too... and it appears I'm going to have the floor space to do the kinds of building/woodworking I want. Bought some new sewing tools; my favorite pair of shorts for the max of summer, are apparently no longer made. So, I'm disassembling them to make a pattern and make my own. Hol made 3 prairie sun bonnets in an afternoon for friends, who saw the one she'd made for herself and wanted one.

Knuckles is home with me so much, he's starting to be more my dog than hers. LOL. He is listening way better than he was as a result. Now I need to teach him how to behave when we're working with equipment or driving around. He can go with her to Steve's once they get a fence up; too close to the road for comfort with the dogs, even though Beebs is already smart enough not to get out on the road and doesn't chase cars. When he's working, I have both dogs to feed, potty and keep busy. Beebs is a lot more low-energy than Knuckles, and he puts the pup in his place enough that he just rolls his eyes at me to save him from hyper-dog. LOL.

Hol is definitely slacking on getting her stuff clear of Matt's house (one more load) and staying on top of the house situation. But, he's not making it easy either. She is trying to teach herself the "standards" for designing a floor plan and got stuck on stairways. I explained that her sketch would be clear enough to the guys that if for instance, the stairs were too short for the rise... they'd let her know and solve the visual problem - which is keeping the stairs off an exterior wall but not interrupting the open floor plan, upstairs.

I'll ask her to let me look at it this evening. I'll bet she could a downstairs closet or shelves under the steps... and that would support the steps. My steps are all open to the catwalk and two bedrooms, and while she likes that airyness... her brain isn't seeing support in her floorplan, yet.

Ricky's been working on widening and smoothing the road to the Hut location; adding very needed drainage. In the process, he's moved or unearthed some very interesting large rocks that I might ask him to relocate for me, before he's all done. The bobcat won't be able to lift 'em. They're THAT big.

It's been a lovely long spring here. We're still wearing sweaters some days and are able to do the hard work without breaking a sweat. Compost bins are about ready to go up too. Then it's on to building a big woodshed; Steve's offered to help with that but Hol said my job is to decide on the location, design, get the materials here... and guess who is still dithering about that? LOL.



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on May 11, 2019, 10:47:50 AM
Wow, Skep, you never stop!  So much going on and it all sounds so good and constructive.  Great that you've found a way to recycle those gadgets - I hate to throw stuff like that in the bin but sometimes it's hard to find somewhere else to put it.

I missed your question in the post before; I do think there's an element of me working through the 'bad' situation in case it happens.  I notice it a lot whenever anything comes up from the local authority - any kind of problem and my brain starts working through different scenarios before I've even finished reading it.  I do feel like I need to be on the defensive around people, in general.  Some of it is childhood stuff - whatever I did or said was criticised in some way.  I went down the perfectionist route, sister went down the 'I don't give a crap' route and makes no effort at anything.  So it's partly that, partly wanting to fit in, I think, and then because of all the child protection stuff there's constant efforts in my brain to defend myself and son from unwanted attention or questions.  But I'm working on it!  Lol xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 17, 2019, 08:52:07 AM
Yesterday was not such a good day. I felt fuzzy-headed, probably for multiple reasons - one being an inconsolable dog who started waking me at 2 am. Some kind of skin irritation and he'd been in the cat box again.

So, knowing I needed to venture out to the grocery... hopped in the car with no other agenda except making up the day as I went along. Just as I'm getting to the highway & mailbox, I notice a truck trying to pull in. Good neighbor that I am, I started backing up - uphill, around the curve to the wide spot at Gladys' drive. It's hard to see out of the Cherokee's back window; they aren't low enough so I was halfway turned around in the seat.

When I saw a UPS truck (wrong time of day for them; I look for them on the road) coming down hill. I went to slam on the brakes and got the gas instead. Could've been the angle I was turned, or that with this new obstacle - my brain momentarily shorted out. So I slammed the back end into the front end of the UPS truck. Everyone's fine - my ego is wounded; this crap doesn't happen to me normally. UPS driver is worried for his job; they are that strict about accidents - despite the challenges that section of my road poses.

The whole window shattered and of course the hatch and bumper are smashed, but I could drive it home to call the towing company to take it over the mountain to the dealer. Talked to a sweet lady in my local insurance office while we waited around. Got home, called the dealer to let them know the jeep is coming and I wanted an estimate to fix it. I saved dealing with the insurance company until this morning because I didn't think I was ready to jump into the red tape game. As fuzzy as I was when I left... it was worse after.

Holly got the Rubicon running and brought it down from the barn - so I have something to drive. And it needs driven. My poor baby has been relegated to a museum piece practically. So he needs cleaned up and gone over mechanically too; a tune up. While the dealer gives me the news on the Cherokee.

I've been bouncing between feeling like I have no business even thinking I can manage on my own in a place like this - and letting the Viking out to play. Mad at myself, because how many times have I been incredulous that anyone could mistake the gas & brake. I'm pretty sure being halfway out of my seat, turned around to back up had a lot to do with it. As for how fast the UPS truck was going - it wouldn't matter on that curve. So, flustered me did exactly the wrong thing. It happens.

The Rubicon is an old friend of my inner Viking. He has style, substance and attitude. I can use a lot more of that in my days now, than worrying over whether I'm becoming a helpless old woman. Besides - the silly ostentatious Cherokee was the very first automatic transmission I ever owned. I'm WAY more comfortable (and happy) in a stick-shift. After 6 years, I still find myself trying to shift the Cherokee some days. If the estimate is high, I'll still get it fixed, regardless of what insurance will cover. And I'll call the generator guy who said twice, and gave me his number, he wants to buy it.

I've been talking about trading it in for a couple years now. It just didn't seem that urgent with everything else I'm doing, building, planting, and working on.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on May 17, 2019, 12:42:53 PM
So sorry about the accident, Amber.  The knock to your inner confidence is hard, I know.  Just keep piecing together what you'll handle yourself, and what you need help with on the farm.  Asking for help isn't a bad thing. It's a necessary thing, and sometimes, for some of us, it's the hardest thing to do, IME.

OK..... thank goodness no one was hurt.  Every time I get stuck in traffic, I go back to....
"I hope no one's hurt up ahead."  That's what's really important in all the slow down, and waiting, and fear of an accident.  Things happen all the time, and this time it was your turn.  You're human.... have compassion for your kind, good, competent self, forgive this bobble, and keep moving.  So much to do.  So much to discover.  So many projects, and you need your whole brain.  Getting bogged down in self doubt, and judgement.... not so helpful, IME.

Breath, and rest up. 

Your inner Viking will recover soon enough.  This is a bobble.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 17, 2019, 02:43:53 PM
What Lighter said. Mega dittos.

And you are far from "helpless", Amber hon.

I think what you face, as an amazingly competent woman facing the natural changes of aging, is befriending it. Or if not making friends with the modifications you are rational enough to make...at least making peace.

You can do this too. It comes to all of us. Denial doesn't help but the gradual compromises we ALL (no matter how Viking) need to make are not the same as capitulation to uselessness and helplessness just because we can't do everything EXACTLY the way we used to.

We are different. And that is okay. There's peace and beauty available about all this. You can find it.

It ain't over. You had a little accident. Forgive yourself. Consider mental space for those projects and plans that aren't herculean, from which just as much satisfaction can be gleaned.

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 18, 2019, 09:25:57 AM
Thanks, ladies. I'm fine. The thoughts have been getting some analysis though.

Yes, I know - they're JUST a thought and as long as I don't bind myself to it - they're gone as fast as they occur to me. It's one of the real treasures in Buddhist philosophy. Whatever in our minds is ego, likes to think that every thought it can concoct is THE most true, important, and instinctive one EVER. I find the opposite is way more true, in actual practice.

I no longer care to know exactly where or how a particular thought-judgement about myself got bound to me. I scrutinize it on objective merits with actual examples from experience. With SO much noise in the world these days, I've got a lot of practice deciding if something is "important" to me or not; or if it's interesting, draws me, or is just something curious. So when the subject is my own thought - especially when it's colored in emotional judgement - I've been applying the same skills to it.

It was purely an accident. My last fender-bender was over 40 years ago; inattention due to a display of antique furniture along the roadway. LOL. This time, my position in the seat - due to the physical attributes of the vehicle and the maneuver - made it almost impossible for me to reach that pedal without at least a few more seconds to move. My path was clear until it wasn't; and there wasn't enough time for brain-body to manage all the info needed at the same time. Unique circumstances; my turn. My mistake about not getting the brake; but I can also see how superhuman-fast I'd have to move to do so. I was already not having such a "with it" day, too. Didn't WANT to go shopping, just decided to get it over with.

Usually, there's not a soul on our road too. So I wasn't expecting grand central station that morning.

As for getting old - I am dealing with that a LOT these days. Not so much physically. I've just never given much thought to BEING old(er). So, I've gotten the angst about mortality pretty much dealt with. It's the space between now and then, I'm concerned with.

So, the choice of the farm - turning this chunk of the Mother into a nurturing, peaceful, self-sustaining bit of dirt - was perfect for me. There is ALWAYS something to do or that needs doing. Chores repeat themselves; new ideas generate new projects; each sub-circle-system has requirements... which as I build them, I'm doing so with the idea that my physical abilities are just fine right now... but aren't always going to be. On the other hand - I am purposely making sure I don't make it so easy around here, that it contributes to physical decline.

But my over-active imagination - my blessing & curse - can't just always work until I die. NEW thought occurred to me, that I'm looking at this the wrong way. (Again! LOL) Why can't I just design that TIME between now and then, the way I want it? Or try to, anyway. I know better than to attempt to bend life to my ideas about it. But perhaps a truce of sorts can be negotiated. Work out a decent compromise... so life can continue on it's trajectory, while I "make pretties" along the way. Have adventures. That kind of thing.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on May 18, 2019, 01:05:16 PM
Such a good thought, Amber.

Designing your time, the way you want it.

Again, it's about choices, and not taking what comes to us.  You can change course, add to the plan, or subtract. 

Does it sometimes feel like things are cemented in place?  Just FEEL that way?  Any part of it? 

Good to remind yourself nothing is forever, and you serve yourself.   

Just because you're doing things a certain way now,  or planning to do things a certain way,  doesn't mean you can't pivot.

You can, and it doesn't have to mean anything at all. 

Viking sKeP begins wielding power, sans judgement.

"Power resides where men believe it resides." 
Varys GOT

Rhetorical question here...

DO you feel empowered, fully, and without reservation or doubt, or the hitching of breath, or holding of it.... emotionally?  Physically?

You're right... you can write these next chapters for yourself.

Is there something there, you're not aware of maybe, that keeps you from feeling you're in control?

Glad you're feeling better, Amber.

Lighter


Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 18, 2019, 05:40:01 PM
I really like that idea too! Designing your time rather than endless projects.
Should help you prioritize.

You just seem so buried in construction, mega projects, etc., that at times I wonder if you'll miss a dimension. But that's me, socially dependent, and not physically strong, and just in a different place.

That said, I wonder if designing your time will include time for:
FARM Mega projects
FARM Minor projects
SOLO SELF Art
SOLO SELF Relationships tending or seeking
FAMILY SELF Hol et. al
COMMUNITY SELF Volunteering/3-D community activity

Hugs
Hops who is talking to herself, actually
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 19, 2019, 12:18:26 PM
Yeah, no Hops. For one thing, I absolutely don't have the craving, desire, need to make images (art) anymore. It may/may not return. My creativity is going into the farm, planting, etc. And that's actually my kind of FUN. Right now, the clematis and rhododenrens are starting to fade from the height of their glory but they were absolutely gorgeous this year; roses are coming on and it'll soon be time for mountain laurel too. I have a lilac and really nice red raspberry to plant. A couple plum tomatoes; all the garlic & onions I planted are up... and I'm really glad I finished the kitchen beds, with Holly's help.

I have pre-paid my volunteering debt many years ago. I'm feeling more needy these days than generous; but that's transient. Tomorrow I could see someone that I could totally help and drop everything to do so. It's either directly person to person for me, or totally anonymous. There is nothing, no reason, for me to bother with anything in between. That just feeds ego.

There might be a few adventures left in me - but I don't know what they are yet. Investigating that. And my idea of "community" is much different than "normal". It's more like Vonnegut's korass. So that, I may not interact with someone for 20 years - and then when I do, we just take off from where we left off. It crosses time and space.

And I have one basic emotional need at the moment - fill that hole available for a guy who can assure me he's there for me... but doesn't suffocate me, that will let me do the same for him too. When I "crash & burn" emotionally, it's because even the strongest people crave someone to turn to, that they can lean on - emotionally, intellectually, mechanically - whatever.

Fortunately, that need isn't a constant; it's just a periodic thing. Like maybe every 6 months to annually; LOL. My pack of big brothers all look out for me and even try to stand-in for that need when it comes up, too. Ya can't beat that! No socks to wash. I get the most fabulous compliments from the married guys, actually. Guys my age or older; and the younger guys - Hol's age. They are super-sweet to me and very helpful. And it's like grandchildren - I can send them home again. LOL.

Some of them aren't the epitome of "tall, dark & handsome" or even that strong anymore - but if I call or say please help... they're right there. Even Ronnie. Maybe it's coz I don't ask - don't have to ask - that often. Got another guy, that we've been talking for years about a trade. He's making me something I've wanted for the long time, himself. I'm trading him something he's wanted for a long time. AND he's going to give my Rubicon a thorough going over. After he drives here from south of where I lived on the beach. We both know he's terminal due to some blatant medical malpractice; but he was the one person I could call at 3 am, 3 sheets to the wind and bawling my eyes out about Mike or madder than hell and he just let me vent, calmed me down, and helped me stop beating myself up over not being a trauma nurse or endowed with the power of life and death.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop hugging him when he gets here. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 19, 2019, 09:51:30 PM
Wow.
You really do make deep connections with men, Amber.
And it's beautiful to hear about.

I hope the fella you described arrives soon and that connection gives comfort to you both.

I am finding myself stunned by connection with sweet M, who has been the most unexpectedly right arrival in my life, at 69... I am anchored for the first time in so very very long (maybe ever) in belonging, safety and trust. It is amazing. And he is reciprocating so overwhelmingly that I know it's real for us both.

Who'd a thunk it.

I am mentally sending you his cowboy twin.

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on May 20, 2019, 12:35:03 AM
Skep, I'm sorry about your accident and glad there's no major damage, human or otherwise.  I think it's very easy to be off balance when you're facing the wrong way and going backwards instead of forwards!  You're body's doing everything in reverse so easy to see why your foot went to the accelerator rather than the brake.  It does shake you up, and sorting out repairs can be such a faff.  I hope you're okay and that everything gets sorted out fairly smoothly now xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 20, 2019, 01:26:54 PM
Thanks Tupp. The insurance red tape has been remarkably easy. Never expected that; I was dreading it. But that went a long way toward me not getting stuck in blaming myself. Looks like it's going to get fixed; and when I have an ETA on that, I'll see if the guy who really wants to buy it is still interested - with full disclosure. It drives just fine. Just needs some pretty serious body work.

So, I need to spend time car shopping. I do NOT want another new, complicated car with all the electronic bells and whistles.

Hops, yes - when I find certain types of guys I tend to bind to them tighter than a tick. LOL. Even if they're not "mine" in that kind of relationship. And I am talking to a "cowboy" from one of the dating sites actually. 68 and training to race motocross in his age class. It's all very casual, easy and two people just talking with each other.

He seemed to take my ideas about having some major space & freedom within a relationship in stride. And the distance doesn't seem to bother him (he's in Texas). We'll see if we graduate to email.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 21, 2019, 12:52:01 PM
He sounds interesting, Amber!
Will enjoy hearing how/if it grows.

My 17 y/o Honda CRV is an amazing car.
My favorite ever. Love driving it, being a bit
above the road so visibility is great, comfortable
off road, etc. Highly recommend 'em. And with the
delightful exception of the brake handle (see it, you'll
get it) all the controls are reality based (not designed
by somebody thrilled with layers of menus, etc.)


Good luck on the car choosing! I got this one used
(had been a soccer mom car) and it's kept on chugging.
No problems at all, just routine maintenance.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 22, 2019, 08:45:28 AM
Seems like we're testing the rule of thumb that things happen in 3s around here.

My older Rubicon - "Rudi" - is no longer in tip-top shape, and I dare not drive it until the issues get sorted out. It could be as simple as the gas being old; and the ethanol in today's gas tend to gum up fuel filters and such. Could just be O2 sensors. But until I can get it looked at, to know for sure - since I'm not much of a mechanic; can do some basic stuff - I dare not take the chance.

Friend of a friend is selling an older pickup; fairly priced at the low end for the work he's put into it. I need something to haul lumber, blocks & such... since delivery out here is beginning to get iffy. I'm feeling really motivated to spiff Rudi up and drive it regularly now, instead of something newer. It's only got 22K miles on it. My auto parts guy said - that's barely broke in. LOL. But I really DON'T go a lot, being a homebody. And once we bought the Cherokee - it sat at the beach too - not being driven much at all. That's going to take more than a thorough tune up; more of a project. But I'm committed. Rudi has always taken care of me; I'll take care of him - and more so, since he was neglected so long. I know better, but was honestly overwhelmed with "stuff" to take care of.

This morning, Hol is headed to retrieve the last of her stuff from Matt's, and tie up a few more loose ends in B'more. She's already gotten word that she might as well try to get work in Richmond, since nothing new is starting up in the other city. Which suits her just fine. There seem to be alot of endings going on in B'more right now - the bar she used to work in is closing it's doors the end of the month and the owner is moving on to other things. He did very well, and it was a very loved and inspirational place that went a long way to trying to help the city and it's inhabitants, but Hol thinks it's a good time and note for the owner to end this and do something else that works for him and his family.

She's finished the house plans for the Holly Hut too. Spending time in the travel trailer at Steve's has changed a lot of her ideas about what she "needs" in a space. So the main living space is essentially a one-room cabin. LOL. Bedroom suite is enclosed of course. Guest room on the first floor downstairs... as well as work space for sewing, etc.

Ricky is about finished with the road to the site. He's done a great job improving the drainage and I'm taking delivery sometime this week of 3 decent sized culverts he'll put in too. He's borrowing a big dump truck to add shale to firm up the road base, for the construction phase. And we talked about him coming back AFTER they're all done, to clean up what will likely be the mess the heavy trucks - well driller, septic, concrete - make while working. The bobcat is going to be useful in the finishing process too. I've been working on trimming trees back along the road and told Hol we can start clearing brush any time now.

I should mow the big garden field again; sometime this summer when we have some muscle around I need to get my disc up there and start working up the bed areas and finalize my plans for high tunnels. I might only have 2 and they won't be huge; but big enough that with crop rotation and soil amendment (compost) that we can keep things growing - enough to eat fresh 9-10 months of the year. But since I'm not pressing my luck right now with ANY major equipment (superstitious at this point; my luck seems negative right now - challenging me) I'm going to focus on getting the plants I've bought planted. Lilac found a good home yesterday. I've got a 100 sprigs of vinca to plant around the bare ground at the propane tanks - and need to add some topsoil on top, too. That's a bobcat job. Then, I'll have to reorder the rugosas since between the rain and the cold, they just didn't make it in their temp home.

And there is SOOO much tree pruning and brush clearing that needs to happen, I may be buying more tools and having "work parties"... LOL. JUST to keep mother nature at bay.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 22, 2019, 12:17:56 PM
Oh I should come to one of those work parties.

My role is essential. It involves following around people doing Actual Work and asking insightful questions such as:

What does that thing do?
How does this widget work?
Oh my, doesn't that hurt your back?
LIFT WITH YOUR LEGS!
I don't have any lemonade, want some water?
Is this your dog? Cuuuuuuuuuuute!
How did you get into carpentry in the first place?
Want to share your family history? Those are fascinating!
Ever been in therapy?

For some reason, I'm not invited to many...

:)
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 23, 2019, 08:30:42 AM
LOL Hops. That would be fine. Although, things like the wood splitter are rather loud. Might not hear your questions. I moved a row of rocks yesterday... along with more pruning/trimming/planting... all but 3 rocks that are just too big. My technique is to roll the bigger ones - not lift! And you have to get under it with a heavy steel bar first, to loosen it. Mind you, it works better rolling a big rock DOWNhill.

I get so far into the "zone" doing things like that, there often aren't any thoughts or words going through my head. And when they do, they repeat over & over again... like "What on earth were people thinking planting THAT this close to THIS?" If I have to stop and give directions to someone doing something else - it takes me a little time to "come back" enough to even have words again. This can cause misunderstandings; and it's something that with Hol here, I've been working on.

She does the same thing I do when working, and doesn't accept suggestions or reorientation or guidance during her process any better than I do. So, we sort all those kinds of things out prior to someone moving, gathering tools or gloves, and then go our own way until break time.

That means, we start to resemble a group of guys standing around looking at stuff for an hour before doing a blessed thing. LOL.

My secluded little "land that time forgot" is definitely a challenge to maintain up to my standards of "tidy". Mind you, I recognize I don't live in a suburban gated community where someone's going to complain if I haven't kept the grass "estate" level pristine. For most of the years we were at the beach, Mike & I did all that work anyway. We both liked doing it and had plenty of experience. But it DOES eat up a lot of time. So while I'm doing my thing now... I'm thinking ahead to how to mark areas for maintenance that I could delegate to some company or guy with a side job and not fuss over it myself. In the days, when I'm not going to be able to work 4-6 hrs a day at it... and do the things I really want to do.

But keeping things cleaned up around here, creates a fire buffer in case of forest fires, keeps the bugs, snakes & creepy crawly critters down... and helps preserve the buildings around here in a usuable snug state. Fires are rare here now; but have still happened in recent memory. So, I look consciously at things... add things to the list "to-do" as preventative measures... and try to steward the site to the best of my ability.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on May 23, 2019, 12:09:22 PM
When I thought I'd be moving to CA and we were looking at fire-zone properties online (and when I read my aunt's letter about escaping the Camp Fire)...I thought about how different a yard would need to be out there from the mid-atlantic lushness I'm used to.

In terms of maintenance right near the house, what would it be like to scrape off topsoil to 6 inches, install serious weed barrier cloth, put the topsoil back, cover it with river rock etc, then add creative unusual "beds/planters" for flowers and shrubs? And great paths curving between? Could maybe skip entirely anything that must be mowed?

There. Now you know why I'm not invited to landscaping parties either.

xo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 24, 2019, 11:42:05 AM
Nothing goes to waste around here, Hops. So, when the crew cut 92 trees last summer, to clear a new path for where my driveway intersects the gravel road... they also chipped the small branches and left me two big piles. I'll be making paths with those.

Because of the dogs, we need some grass around the house - and "someone" has spread two bags of grass seed around, sprinkled wood ashes (helps "sweeten" the pH), I'll have a couple compost bins in the yard, a mossy boulder-y "firepit" area near the kitchen beds, and possibly a chicken coop within the fenced area of the yard (TBD for now). Most of the yard is weeds; only a few places where the grass grows well. And I fully intend to plant ground covers... edible shrubs... perrenial herbs... etc in that space. I'm pretty good about planting ground covers on the banks, so it doesn't need as much trimming (or trying to mow it). I need to start getting some fish in the pond, too.

The big garden area, is going to be devoted to food production - a bit of orchard, the berry beds (raspberries are temporarily in one of the kitchen beds; gal pot I was able to separate into 3 plants). I don't need to go crazy on orchard trees, because my area has LOTS of big local ones. Garden will be a combo of high tunnels and open beds that I can work with the ranger & attachments. I'm buying ONLY heirloom seed... and am still sorting out exactly where my seed starting is going to happen. It's really the only way to get good medicinal herbs established.

I learned my lesson last year, with the rosa rugosas. Not to overbuy, overcommit, or start working outside TOO early. I'm going to have to replace them, and I'll only get 5 this time.

Because of my sensitivity to sun/heat/bugs... I have to plan to work on overcast days or in the shade. If I'm just using the bobcat or ranger, I can work in the heat.

I'm dogsitting today, while Hol mows out at Steve's. Maybe all weekend, if they go camping at the mushroom doin's up in PA. Beebs has been excavating the groundhog hole under the Yew... and Knuckles has been trying to get him to play instead. They stick around pretty good (or Knuckles does when he's by himself) while I'm out working. But I don't like them around when I'm running equipment. I'll do some more trimming, weeding and moving rocks - step 1 - before I fire up the bobcat to dig a shallow ditch and cut back the bank a bit from the driveway between the yard & pond; it's a tad narrow there and tends to collect puddles in the rain. The house sits a good 20 some feet higher from there and I need to direct water; not let it just take the path of least resistance. While I have the bobcat out, I'll move some more topsoil to cover where the propane tanks are, so I can get that vinca in... and possibly dump some between the boulders for the echinecea... and future full-sun herbs.

This is getting long-winded; but just talking out loud about the kind of planning Lighter mentioned in her Yard thread. I've spent 2 years and 8 seasons just looking... feeling what the space wants to be... and imagining what I might make here. Holly's doing the same with her site. We need get started on clearing the brush in that area - and could probably use Steve's assistance too.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 05, 2019, 09:24:04 AM
Quickly - I've not gone quiet for any negative reasons. Life has just made a major shift around here, and I'm still processing everything. It's all good, just different.

Counting on you guys to take good care of yourselves, have some fun, and hold down the fort till I think I understand my situation better. LOL. (As in, analyzed down to the mitochondrial level...) I'm not exactly "managing"... just trying to see the whole picture. Previous negative happening is settled for the time being. (I think; we'll see. And if not - current events will likely counter it.)

Whee! 0 to 90 mph in a nanosecond! Surfing.....
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 05, 2019, 11:07:32 AM
Cling to that board, Amber!

We'll be here.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 05, 2019, 02:01:38 PM
Lord, the suspense.
I just hope you are OKAY, Amber!!!

Beware others controlling or invading your space and affecting your autonomy.

It's probably nothing like that but just felt the need to say it.

Love and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 06, 2019, 07:38:15 AM
Seriously - it's all good stuff.
I am SUCH a tease.... LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 06, 2019, 12:18:35 PM
It's a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...........

 :lol:
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 07, 2019, 09:52:54 AM
MAYBE Hops. My friend will be coming next weekend to help sort out the mechanical issues on my Rubicon. We'll see; there's not much of a future in that relationship given his medical condition. But that is an assumption that perhaps is incorrect. No expectations; no strings. And I have to tune my ear to the "southern" wavelength again... so I can understand him. This is a friendship that's grown into itself over years now.

But the big news, is that Hol & Steve are expecting. After the breakup with Matt, and her road trip, etc... I started hearing about this 180 she was doing about her feelings about being a mother. There were the appropriate fires and all, around the main "high feast days" of the Amazonian persuasion to that effect. She is about 95% sure; it will be confirmed next Friday... along with conception date which is really important to her. (Pray for good weather in Jan...she was born in the blizzard of '78).

She was sooooo cute; the little Hol - Monday morning. Crept into my room during my 1st cup of coffee, with tingly happy energy about to burst out her... and she showed me the strong positive test. She hadn't even told Steve yet - he was still sleeping. She was like a little girl getting her first puppy or kitty happy... LOL.

So, the farm development I was planning to do... in order to pass on after my passing on... is getting an imminent input of younger folks and their "can do" energy... and they are influencing development plans, too. Beyond the Holly Hut... which needs the floor plan adapted for an extra room now. LOL.
More hands make lighter work around here - and they have knowledge & skill sets beyond mine. That's all good. At the moment, no one is insisting on "the way it should be"... and we're all figuring it out one day at a time. Steve is still a little in shock; but definitely in good humor about it all. At her age (she'll be 42 around the due date)... it's going to take some extra care & precautions, but so far I am restraining myself from hovering over her. Steve is learning about this too... so he's been more outspoken about some things than previously. He's in for the long haul, it appears.

So CHANGES. My normal crazy most comfortable space. Just need to take a care about my energy levels, too.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 07, 2019, 10:54:34 PM
Oh my GOODNESS!

That is such amazing news, Amber...hope it's filling you with joy.

Awww. I am very happy for you.

I'm so glad she's happy and you're happy and well, hope Steve will get that way!

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 08, 2019, 08:10:02 AM
He's being very funny and supportive. There are depths to him that we're learning about.

And we're just giddy happy.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on June 09, 2019, 12:22:56 AM
Aw, Skep, that's lovely news, how very exciting!  A whole new project for you to get in to!  Lol, such an exciting time and such a big adventure ahead!  I'm really happy for all of you xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 09, 2019, 09:55:30 AM
Thanks. I'm reminded of how much work this is... we're both getting pretty tired. The odd, middle of the night, sit up in bed and not be able to go back to sleep dreams are starting too. We are getting up at the same time... so I can only imagine my "mom brain" is subconsiously picking up on her distress... and reacting. None of it is rational fears fueling it; just the loose, untethered imaginative what-ifs. Which is, in it's own way, another form of processing methinks.

With almost all the pieces of before this particular of knowledge still kind of up in the air and settling back down into a new pattern, it's easy to feel ungrounded, discombobulated and out of sorts. Yet we're still managing that pretty well... surfing it. Both of us know it takes time for new patterns to emerge... and while it's possible to TRY to arrange it per a preconceived notion, in reality the power of the pattern's inherent organization is way outside our control. That's why: Adapt and Overcome is the motto around here.

Adapt to reality and overcome our internal ideas/resistance - and keep zeroing in on doing the "right thing" as close to the "right time" as we can.

The current vehicle debacles... is part & parcel of that adjustment. My grace period for dealing with maintenance issues after Mike's passing and moving ran out. Of course I was aware; of course I simply procrastinated as I was involved in so many other things - that I could justify as "more important" and that made it a "can't" for me to just knuckle down and deal with it. It is indeed, way more difficult to manage living as far out as I am. But it isn't impossible.

While we have a pretty comfortable cushion here, where we can ignore civilization for an extended time... we aren't THAT self-sufficient yet. It will take dedicated work & learning about new things & cooperation over the next 5 years or so, to just bump that capability up to the next level. There are still lots of things I need to discover, gauge as to reliability, and get over the fact that nothing is "convenient" about this lifestyle. There are definitely things I can create to replace the convenience of suburbia that are effectively successful. But as Tupp's realizes - it takes time to move new habits into "how the things get done" around here.

I rather like times like this (despite my frustrations and protestations and whining) - where the old/new are jumbled together and things aren't totally in my "comfort zone"... flying by the seat of my pants and making up "new" as I go along, to see by trial and error what works, and what doesn't. Eventually that sinks into my hard head, over the persistant whining about "what I want" and somehow being able to magically will it into existence. My local farm boys are a big help validating my understanding of that process... what kinds of inputs need to go into it... and giving me big grins as I start to figure it out. Absolutely none of them think I'm helpless, feeble or clueless about what I'm choosing to do and how I go about it. We're all working within the conditions provided by mother nature and trying to find the best balance possible.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 09, 2019, 10:20:08 AM
A
BABY!!

I'm so excited for you, Amber!  I think babies are my most favorite things in the world.... my happiest days were when my girls were little. 

You sound centered, and on track. Hol and Steve sound ready.... I think 42 is a great age to become a mother.  All that experience, and growth.... we've pretty much done all the youthful things, and can surrender to the joys of parenting, IME.  I was 39 when I had my second, whoo hoo!  So exciting!

 Having the country boys around sounds comforting... and helpful.  You're certainly not helpless, and I detect a lovely self compassion in this post. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 09, 2019, 12:11:21 PM
So wise, Amber.
Understanding that nature is in charge of this one.
But trusting that, too.

And yourselves!

What's wonderful for this baby is three people right on the spot
who will love and help her/him as s/he grows. And s/he'll grow up in beauty.
Nature. The wind the trees the plants the birds.

And GRANDMA!!!!!

I think babies are really simple. Exhausting, but simple.
They are so brilliant they awe me.

I am so excited for you!

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 13, 2019, 09:55:18 AM
And the big, deep swells of ocean keep on rolling... gently, peacefully... belying the depths below and the other manifestion of mother ocean.

Don't know what it is... but there's a little anxiety stirring in all of us, that is still in the depths. Maybe it's nothing except stretching out to adjust to new circumstances. Even had a dream that was full of those symbols. Keep breathing, keep surfing...

I've spent a couple days making another major step in getting the studio adjusted to shared workspace. Found some holes in the music collection and am correcting that. Music is a huge part of working for both Hol and me. Moved functional pieces around, she hung some more of her art collection - so is claiming space; I've got about a third of the space reorganized for me to flip from the easel to the sewing table on a whim. We've still got the hang-out space too, with overflow accomodations for guests. It's still cozy; just more functional now.

Plans are coming together for my gentleman friend to visit and rescue my Rubicon from whatever malfunction it has. He's bringing along an apprentice of his, to help with the driving, since they'll likely drive all night Friday night. I'm still excited to spend some time with him... but the normal, withdraw & hide reflex is popping up too. (it's entirely un-necessary; I know this) So, I've got to get myself re-focused on the next preparation - all kitchen work, so we don't need to spend a lot of time cooking/cleaning up and I can be ready to feed my helpers and give them an instant place to crash and rest before diving into mechanical stuff. Hol took half the work off of me, while I spent two days scrubbing all the grunge from the winter off the studio floor and put probably the first shine on the laminate it's gotten since installation. The whole space feels and smells much cleaner now. Ready for fresh good times.

It's cool and rainy here today. An introspective sort of ambiance.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 14, 2019, 10:51:48 AM
I love clean floors, Amber.  Reminds me of Grandmother's clean farmhouse floors....feels like sacred space.

Cool rainy days are lovely.... we've enjoyed them lately too...been in yard moving stones, and watching water shed. 

I thought no some anxiety is natural when huge change is imminent.  Humans aren't good at unknowns, and there's so many....lots to figure out.  Lots of things to be revealed in their own time.  Waiting is a skill.  You do everything you can, then try to relax I to present moments.  Or not.

You and Hold will figure this out.  Everything will be ok.

Lighter
PS  make a lasagna or chicken pot pie ahead.  When things get busy, it's so easy to feed a crew.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 15, 2019, 06:30:33 AM
I've got slow-cooked pork to pull this morning Lighter. Potato salad and bean dip for grazing is done. I agree on cooking ahead. This might be the only time I see my friend face to face - and I don't want to spend that time in the kitchen.

He's bringing apprentice of his too; they drove all night and it only makes sense. I'm going to hand them coffee and put them to bed when they get here. Just until the road janglies wear off. Then we'll see. Hol was up at 4:30 making the first pot of java-magic.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 16, 2019, 09:29:58 AM
Pulled pork is comforting, and yummy.  Good choice.

Relax, and stay curious. 

Let us know how things are going.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 16, 2019, 03:42:53 PM
Ummmmm.... de-dummmm... yummmmmm. I was on my best behavior managing my expectations. I did NOT expect the "fireworks" - at least from him. I have the distinct impression I've been "claimed" again - and it feels "right". But one day at a time. We're both realists; his daughter has another year of school and a full-ride college scholarship... and then we'll see. He's very much at home here in the woods.

So not counting any chickens for now. I've got a fair amount of practice at "no strings" relationships and we've both been around the block more than once.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 17, 2019, 03:08:17 PM
Yeah. This isn't some "strangers in the night" kind of thing. There is a whole lot in common between us - talking for 48 hrs pretty much determined that; even talking our separate "shops". Lots of eyes lighting up understanding between our separate life experiences.

In an hour or two, he should be back home and he lives far enough away that we won't see each other a lot. He has promised to be back soon. But I have a feeling I'll be charging my phone more frequently. He's in a lot better health now, than he has been the last couple of years. Since he brought along his apprentice and his wife (apprentice's), to drive... all the younger folks hung out together & gave us a good bit of space. Hol likes the wife; and my buddy... she approves and said I deserved to be happy about all this.

I have some trepidation about it. Not ENTIRELY sure I'm ready to move on from Mike, but can't find any rational reason why I shouldn't. Different guy; different "fit" between our selves... but the important pieces are already there. Intimacy, trust, loyalty... all within a "wait & see" what the future brings mode for now. And he instinctively knows what it means to "have my back" - while not pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for... even though I'm pretty brave and have been known to take risks now & then; calculated risks. Weirdly - I find myself trusting myself a little more around him. For no reason whatsoever.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 17, 2019, 03:17:21 PM
I loved reading you trust yourself more around him.  How powerful is that?!?  There are people who build us up, and problem solve, just as there's folks who tear us down, and create problems. 

I really really like the sound of this guy, no matter how things go.  I think you really like him, and that can just be there.... like it is.... for a while.  Try to stay in your right brain.  Don't get into stories about what's been, or what could be/might be/ has to be.

Just be here now, with the feelings he's left you with, and let that be enough.

No moving on, or being ready.... that's not something you have to solve. 

Breath... big breaths through your nose, and then out slowly..... this isn't crisis.  Don't let anxiety creep in.  THIS IS GOOD stuff: )

I'm so happy things went well for you, Amber.

Truly.

Lighter
 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 17, 2019, 05:03:20 PM
Thanks, Lighter. It's a little freaky like jumping off a cliff with a parachute that you HOPE opens. LOL. But so far, soft landings... exhilaration... and fascinated by the newness of it all. Yep; I'm just letting things be what they are for the moment. That's a LOT different, all by itself.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 17, 2019, 07:42:02 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I feel so happy for you. For your heart.

Many fingers, all toes, and multiple hairs crossed for you!

Keep on breathin'.

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 18, 2019, 08:53:50 AM
Fun can be exhausting, especially when it wakes up energies and feelings one hasn't had in a good long time. He said he'd call last night. No call; I figured he was as tired as I was and has gotten his best sleep in a long while. I didn't bug him, but I sure THOUGHT about doing it. Then he posted something in our forum this morning, that was in "code" for me. Very smart guy... LOL.

So, he's busy and I'm busy and I have to watch my old habit patterns... and give him room to run. I can put this energy to good use elsewhere for awhile.

Just before the visit, remember I'd mentioned something difficult I was dealing with again? Of course, the only unresolved thing out there in my life is the Amy situation, but it's NOT MY JOB to resolve it and I made that abundantly clear. People don't really like that, but tough shit.

So, anyway... he called me with an update on the trip and while I hadn't said anything to him about it, he was asking what was wrong? I noticed it; and wondered how he'd picked up on that... but I guess I should've seen it as more significant a "clue" than that. Emotional conversation and thinking... in the language of emotions. That's going to be new for me to get used to, since right now only Hol and I can do that.

So, for now... it's just a flurry of fun stuff and feelings... and real life is setting back in for both of us. Now we'll see if I really can do this; letting him go - and feeling sure he'll be back when he can, or want me to visit him. He left me notes among other things, since they left early in the morning and I hadn't had enough coffee to be functional yet. Feet have SORTA been feeling the ground again... LOL.

I guess I was of the opinion (mistakenly) that I didn't need that kind of attention - or could do without it. Apparently that part of myself is proving the opinion WRONG. LOL. But we've had years of getting to know each other, and becoming intimate intellectually, emotionally. And he never, ever made a move in my direction until he could observe that I was past the grieving over Mike.

Thoughts are chaoticly caught up in the whirlwind... so it's probably a good idea to just watch them and let them fly off too. I've got some serious work to engage in, both mental work and pulling weeds, and finishing up the garage organization and purge. Weather is rainy all week - off/on - and it's a good time for me to "take care of business", support Steve & Holly & what she's calling the Pupa, and see if I can be grounded at the same time I'm floating. (Don't expect much, do I???)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 18, 2019, 09:43:30 AM
Nope, not asking much, Amber.  Not much at all

What did you say when he asked you what was wrong?

Good for you, enforcing boundaries. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 18, 2019, 08:44:00 PM
Oh, I just told him Lighter. He knows about her already. I've known this guy online for at least 6 years. He's one of the "big brothers" that got me through Mike. The one I could call at ANY time and he was there. And he KNEW what I was going through and needed.

I'm not difficult really. Just in my own head. Still unravelling that; and reclaiming the me I used to be - ALMOST as fearless as Hol. (Not quite... admitted. She & I are still very different in subtle ways.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on June 19, 2019, 07:02:42 AM
Hang on, hang on, hang on - I've missed so much!!  There is a baby on the way and man possibilities for Skep??!!  As well as house building, rock moving and mad dog antics?!  Can this woman fit any more into her life?!  Lol, this all sounds very exciting, Skep, do you feel excited?  Or cautiously optimistic?  If you and Hops are paired up the rest of us are going to need to get our skates on and catch up!  Lol xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 19, 2019, 08:39:49 AM
S'OK Tupp... the initial flurry of joy at a real connection with someone is starting to pass a bit. He lives 100s of miles from me, so we can't see each other much - and yes, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I think I'm getting myself back under control (as much as is normal anyway) again.

There are many more things that go into a relationship, and time is one that can't be ignored. Since this is going to be "long distance" for at least a year (and perhaps never happen) we'll see what develops. I think I just didn't realize how starved I was for male face to face attention and interaction. So I went a bit "whirly" there for awhile. He's handled that gracefully so far... and in the process returned a bit of my self to me, again. Something that's been missing for years now.

The universe is being good to me right now, but it also requires I "take care of business" and not just spend my days totally googly-eyed and ungrounded. I have a lot of things on that list ya know. And now, even Hol is writing lists for me to start crossing things off... since I've been distracted. Today she finds out if we have 8 months or 7 months to get her house built... and accomplish the big things on that list. So I MIGHT get scarce around here just due to being busy. But I have a feeling I'll still have time for some updates and there is gonna be a lot more emotional processing to talk out.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on June 19, 2019, 10:30:44 AM
S'OK Tupp... the initial flurry of joy at a real connection with someone is starting to pass a bit. He lives 100s of miles from me, so we can't see each other much - and yes, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I think I'm getting myself back under control (as much as is normal anyway) again.

There are many more things that go into a relationship, and time is one that can't be ignored. Since this is going to be "long distance" for at least a year (and perhaps never happen) we'll see what develops. I think I just didn't realize how starved I was for male face to face attention and interaction. So I went a bit "whirly" there for awhile. He's handled that gracefully so far... and in the process returned a bit of my self to me, again. Something that's been missing for years now.

The universe is being good to me right now, but it also requires I "take care of business" and not just spend my days totally googly-eyed and ungrounded. I have a lot of things on that list ya know. And now, even Hol is writing lists for me to start crossing things off... since I've been distracted. Today she finds out if we have 8 months or 7 months to get her house built... and accomplish the big things on that list. So I MIGHT get scarce around here just due to being busy. But I have a feeling I'll still have time for some updates and there is gonna be a lot more emotional processing to talk out.

I think a little bit of attention or fun or flirting or whatever it might be often makes us realise we like it without being aware we've not been getting it, if that makes sense?  It's just nice to have something that isn't work, isn't it, whatever form that work might take?  But even a long distance/talk on the phone/email buddy can be a nice thing to have going on in the background.  I find that at some point I need to rest and that's when I really wish I had someone to talk to or cuddle up with.  I think being a bit googly eyed sounds like fun for a bit of the time :)  Lol.  And Hol's new place as well, and baby :)  So much going on, wow, yes, I can see the need for emotional processing will be there!  But hopefully you'll be emotionally processing mostly good stuff :) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 21, 2019, 04:12:14 PM
(((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))

I hope he's not the married doctor guy...and regardless, it does feel happy to think of you happy!!

Alas, I can't join you at the moment in the newly-partnered kinda queue, because it's all up in the air.

But whether it's HIM in occasional 2-D,3-D or someone local, I do hope you find a real person who's really free and available to you in real time and in a real place.

My LTR, years ago, with an unavailable married man I fell head over heels for despite knowing I shouldn't (and loathing myself years later for the approximately ONE hour of physical rulebreaking)...wound up consuming me, by email and sometimes phone for YEARS before I finally worked out that with my own commitment fears, unavailable was part of the attraction. And all that passion was more my overdrive imagination ignited by very small bits of actual time and sharing into a pretty obsessive flame.

It was a huge emotional affair that ultimately left me so preoccupied with him (and our next contact) that I couldn't have found someone local anyway. In hindsight, I wish I'd run a mile before I let myself go there. (He was my boss, we were working together on the other side of the country. No excuses, though.)

Still. YOU happy makes me happy. Just a cautionary tale.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 21, 2019, 05:11:20 PM
Nope; not him Hops. Not EVEN with the legendary 10 ft pole in hand. Horrors... the thought gives me the vapors... (and Holly would never speak to me again either)

This guy suits me to a T, even the fact that he has his own life to deal with before truly being free to make decisions about being together. That gives us a set, but finite amount of time to see how it goes... to not get in over our heads... and yet not crowd each other or make things stressful.

He is NOT conventional, mind you. He might scare some of you all. But he doesn't bother me in the least bit. Been around guys like that all my life. Enjoy them immensely - WHEN they have the character underneath it all, and the wisdom and sensitivity, to not overwhelm people needlessly because of it. He likes being dirty, sweaty, and working from sunup to sundown at something that's needed and appreciated. And I like my role in all of that - because he will teach me and let me help and explain things. His injuries don't let him bend over & pick much up - I can be useful that way to him.

But this was a bit of reconnaissance for both of us; see if there was really an interest that we thought was lurking... and now we get to go slow for a bit. However, I have been assured he can be here in 6 hrs by motorcycle if I really need him. I've explained that Hol, Steve & I are adequate to hold the fort at least that long... LOL. And ya know what? the roads work both ways - now I have two vehicles that are in tip top condition to actually entertain the idea of a trip.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 21, 2019, 05:32:01 PM
Oh now I'm turning cartwheels for you!
Very slow geriatric and entirely mental cartwheels!

Happy dances that don't require getting off the couch!
Fist pump in the air just now..THAT really happened.

And this...is really happening for you!
Over
the
moon.

Do provide mountain man description, asap...

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 22, 2019, 10:01:53 AM
LOL.... understand Hops, there is a LOT of romanticized creative license in the description. Still. He was injured in combat in the 90's; he and about 20 other guys with similar injuries got some bionic treatment... and he's one of the last of that group still standing above the dirt. He describes himself as dented, not broken... and jokes about rappelling out of hospital windows to escape the clueless nurses and horrible food.

He's the same age as Mike, about my height and not quite as gray/white as I am. The beard is impressive; long & luxurious; SOFT. Long hair, thinning on top, with a couple beaded braids. Lots of laugh lines and crinkles around grey eyes that twinkle telling stories on himself or talking about his daughter. He's Appalachian, like me... with a good sized helping of native, too. He's more of an "old gods" believer too. Rough, callused hands that are usually dirty, given the equipment he works on - and he works on all kinds of things. He still likes to go fast on motorcycles; faster than I'd dare and I quit riding because I liked speed too much.

He's like a powerful arrow released at large foot pounds of pressure from a taut bow - point him in the direction of a task and don't get in his way. You can help of course, and ask questions... he'll gladly explain something while taking a break. His hands are steady and patient while dealing with small engine parts and squeezing things between hoses, wires... all the tight places at awkward angles. It doesn't matter the task - he's on it and got it done before you can (or I can) process that it's really happening. He can't stand sitting still or being immobilized.

He's wise in the woods ways; having spent the first part of his life in the mountains... but he's also travelled to far away places and seen/done other things too. There isn't any topic of conversation that he doesn't chime in with the sensitive voice of experience - especially the kinds of things, he and I have in common at the core: trauma and what it takes to manage/live with the residual stuff and not be an evil person. He likes music and making things... which was part of the reason for the trip.

Long time ago he was showing off to the guys online some of the knives he makes from old car and truck steel. I was fully in my "post-modern pirate" phase then, and asked him if he'd make me a short sword. We discussed blade design... and shortly thereafter his bionic medical devices started going south on him. (This was maybe 6-7 years ago.) So, I shut up about the sword... dealt with Mike going downhill in a hurry; he spent a solid two years going in/out of surgery for a few different things and when he could post or we could talk on the phone or text... I had his back through all of that. But I was also just one part of the crew of loyal friends supporting him. He's been through some scary stuff. I was going through my own scary stuff - and he was there for me without trespassing any boundaries that would complicate things or make me more stressed out and conflicted. Patience of a hunter.

So, after recovering from the last batch of lab-rat lunacy... he mentioned he was looking for something specific, but kind of uncommon. I PM'd him that of course I still had one, due to Mike's 'collecting' obsession. When he took the bait, and asked what I wanted for it - I told him all I wanted was the sword he'd promised he'd make me. Then, the trip up was postponed for about 3 more months for medical crap again... until both my jeeps came up with some technical problems. All this time, we're irregularly in contact and chatting about our separate lives.

He loaded his own tools in the back of his apprentice's pickup and brought what he had. The sword wasn't with him. He'd been out on the Redbud reservation for a traditional buffalo hunt some years ago, and came back with some bone for knife handles. He was using jawbone for the sword. It goes through some alchemical process to harden it... and the handle broke twice in shipping or processing. So it's out for a third time and he's waiting on it. He also made a baldric to hold it; strap goes over the shoulder to keep the sword close to the body. What he delivered... was a really nice handmade & polished from recycled steel, throwing tomahawk and the wickedest fixed blade knife in the heaviest leather belt sheath I've ever seen that impressed Hol too. He'd stamped the sheath with my horoscope birth sign.

I asked him how he knew that - because I rarely mention my birthday, and he just smiled that steathy grin and said, "I pay attention to things".

Lest you think I make "easy prey"... and just blindly fall for the "wow... this is the first guy to pay attention to me" trap... I've had a year to think about this without it being muddied with the old emotional attachment to Mike. And we still hadn't met face to face. Buck is one of the 3 big brothers that chivalrously and wisely and gallantly got me through all of that mess. The doc, given what he revealed about himself awhile ago... doesn't even know about this development. He's gotten overly-parental of me. The other one is my "second brain" - happily married, medically retired, and still raising adopted twins that they rescued from a violent, ugly situation overseas. We will always be friends, because he also shares the link to strange things via trauma. He knows, is happy for us, respects Buck from knowing him online too.

So, my life is shifting from the time/space to just deal with me (and Hol was afraid I was getting too comfortable in that zone) to one of complicated logistics due to the fact that Hol, and now Steve are basically living here until the Holly Hut is complete... with a little wolf pup on the way - LOL. It's a race to see if they can get her place livable by the time she delivers. This solves one of my fears about getting feeble out here all alone; they'll be at the bottom of the hill behind my house. Steve is also a woodsman and naturalist and has some skills in common with Buck. Steve was working most of the weekend when they were here. That kept testosterone levels managable for Hol & me.

There is no rush, no pressure... but the desire for Buck and me to spend more time together. We have our own individual logistics to sort out before we can even add the possibility of an "our" logistics. And I'm just fine with that arrangement. He is able to explain to me how to do; is constantly offering to help or fix something... and I have to remind him, doing the work around here is all part of my "longevity workout program".

I expected him to be tall, dark and handsome in a "Sir Lancelot" kind of way. I think he used to be. Now he kinda reminds me of a druid, or one of the old Vikings still looking for their passport to Valhalla. And I intensely reminded him, that Shield Maidens are a force in their own right - even though we are also, "all female". I haven't even scared him off with going through one of my weird "knowings" and subsequent panic attacks. He and I use the same techniques to get through them.

There is always a little "space" between us... even as the doors to being emotionally intimate with each other get blown off their hinges. LOL. We both respect that space... and it's magic for making things work out. I KNOW I can trust him. And he knows I'm not going anywhere either - even when I had to pull back for awhile because I was mixing up feelings I was still dealing with, over Mike with my developing feelings for him, I was still around supporting him and letting him know I cared. There is a female friend in common between he and I, on the forum we share. I confided in her, about why I backed off. So he probably knows. She's good; wouldn't just blab... but also make things clear to him.

I'm just taking one thing one day at a time, as they come up. He's been alone awhile too... and doing the same. But now we touch base with each other, morning & evening. And that much is comfortable and cozy; non-scary.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 22, 2019, 03:48:52 PM
Aww, hon.

He sounds like the answer to the question:
How does the universe design a man for Amber?

I'm so happy for you. He sounds amazing. So many strengths and positive character qualities. So much personality simpaticoness. So much connection with the doing, that is so vital to you. Maybe your outlander has arrived!

Oh my, this is a delicious possibility.

Given my own current track from honeymoon emotional ecstasies to a bit of a crash and pause, I hope you two get to build it slowly, skip the crash and ... build what you need together.

I think he sounds like a wonderful candidate for the honor of, in time, becoming your maybe-mate!

Happydancing,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 23, 2019, 08:20:57 AM
There are many many conditions to be met before we can reasonably spend the time thinking about that kind of decision, Hops. (someone please get that message to Hol, too?)

But there's no reason we can't enjoy dancing together, until that time arrives. He's struggling with a D who is a senior in HS this year, pushing the rules a lot in that age-old attempt to break free of parental control. Been a really good kid up to this point; but he's standing firm. I've got the adjustment to Steve being here, in addition to Holly - more space needs of course; and of course THEIR ideas about how to live, etc. Pushing my boundaries and trying to dictate to Mom... so, all this awkwardness needs to be worked through before getting serious about something more.

Pretty soon, it's going to be ME nagging the contractor about getting started on the Holly Hut.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 23, 2019, 03:25:25 PM
You sound sane, grounded and in control, (((((Amber)))).

Still happydancing for you, but with respect for the great evolving complexity that is everything!

I mean...he really does sound amazingly....alla that.

But grandbaby coming, new sorta-SIL, and H Hut underway -- jeepers!

You'll do okay. I know that much.

Big hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 23, 2019, 05:10:14 PM
Well.

New grandbaby not coming anymore. Hol miscarried this morning.

I know; sadness.... but she's doing OK under the circumstances and Steve has been protective and doting on her. He's promised to bring her a surprise today. I might be sadder than she is - FOR her.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 23, 2019, 08:21:17 PM
I am so very sorry.
That's heartbreaking.

Mature gravida is so challenging.
I can imagine the joy she experienced at the possibilities, followed by crushing loss.

I grieve for Holly (and Steve, and you).

With much much heart,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on June 24, 2019, 03:01:02 AM
Well.

New grandbaby not coming anymore. Hol miscarried this morning.

I know; sadness.... but she's doing OK under the circumstances and Steve has been protective and doting on her. He's promised to bring her a surprise today. I might be sadder than she is - FOR her.

Oh Skep, I'm so very sorry to read this.  I never know what to say at times like this, everything sounds trite and cliched and never seems to sum up the huge range of feelings that everyone goes through when these things happen.  So I will only say I am thinking of you all and please give Hol a big hug on my behalf xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 24, 2019, 08:14:58 AM
Thanks all. I found some balm, after watching some wacky movies all afternoon with her. Hot, warm, gooey brownies as a bedtime snack. That must've hit the spot because she promptly wiped out a third of the pan, scooping 'em into a bowl and retreating to her cave with Steve. When she brought the bowl back I got a smooch on top of the head... and a hug. Steve brought her fresh red clover to make tea with and a lovely piece of wood, with two hollowed out holes - resembles a primitive goddess figure.

Tupp, don't feel bad about not having words. I didn't have any either. My heart hurts for them. So I just was quiet and let her "be"... even Knuckles was quiet until Steve got back. He even let me bury my face in his neck and snuggle; usually he can't stop dancing around long enough to pet him. Beebs is not leaving Hol's side, maybe that's why.

I guess she was on the phone all day. Both her sisters knew when I thought to let them know in the evening. Autumn invited us to the pool next Sunday for Logan's birthday party. He's 11 already. And Amy actually had appropriate responses, for once. Shocking, that.

They'll definitely be trying again.

So, it lifts some of the urgency on projects around here until then. Talked to Buck last night too; his infection is kicking up again and he has an early appt today. He's running a fever again. He said he hasn't slept as well as he did here, in a long time. Thinks it's because it's so quiet here. Even with the fever, I can hear the wheels turning in his head - LOL. The no-see-ums are out in full force this year; the cool start to summer seems to have prolonged their season. Maybe the heat this week, will knock them down some. I'm miserable with itchies I can't even reach. That's going to be fun at the lawyer's meeting this week, LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on June 24, 2019, 08:24:09 PM
Sorry Hol miscarried, Amber. I'm hoping they get the hut, and the any of their dreams.  She can take all the vitamins she thinks wise, proactively,  and enjoy planning a nursery.  There will be baby joy again, Amber

I'm eatin up with no seeum bites too.  Man, they're really angry red welts this year, worthy of 3 Benadryl.

I can't wait for Benadryl assisted sleep tonight.  I land around midnight.

Lighter



 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 25, 2019, 08:44:42 AM
She's putting her attention on a new and very silly project that we came up with about a month ago. Not letting herself think too much right now. Taking care of business and the "lists". We're both adjusting to having Steve around a lot more... and he's quietly just wandering around looking at things... listening. Like I did, the first year. He's been told to freely share his input, ideas, and suggestions. Like me, he's not socially gregarious. But now, he's feeling more comfortable and talking directly to me. We are comfortable around each other.

I committed myself to some things to do, or get started last week - and I'm not adding anything extra to the list. Lots of dust needs to settle in the emotional environment around here. Another of Hol's friends is coming for the weekend. So I'll be in kitchen mode again - and maybe seeking suggestions from Steve, unless he's got work. Josh has stayed with us before, at the beach. I like him a bunch - but he's not everyone's cup o' tea. He's also a painter, so there's that "special language" space I enjoy about him.

My special fella is dealing with a 17 yr old who's feeling senioritis set in this summer. He has his hands full but is doing just fine. Pretty sure she hates his guts right now, but he's definitely doing the right thing and I'm backing him up. Hol and I are starting to feel some of those old things come up too; not in any serious way - just 2 women in the same house, wanting to do things their way.

It's been a real interesting experiment for me. I can now just turn a space over to her and whatever is going on. In fact, it is better sometimes for me to just get out of the way. I'm enjoying every single moment of having the house or the studio to myself again. We have brush to clear at the Hut site, trees to mark - either cut or save - and are still waiting on numbers & contract and final floor plan/exterior design from the contractor. Fence contractor showing up next Tuesday to work up numbers for fence around the pond and field... and "yard" - such as it is - around the house. Rick is almost done with the road and will be expecting a check before he heads to the beach for a vacation. LOL... he keeps trying to get me to buy his backhoe. He promises he'll come run it.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on June 25, 2019, 02:47:40 PM
Is it a deer fence?
I am very interested in fences...

:)

hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 27, 2019, 08:30:49 AM
LOL. No, Hopsie. I find deer fencing to be an expensive illusion. I want to be able to let the dogs out from the house and contain them here. Knuckles has been trying to qualify for Nascar with cars/trucks coming in the driveway; and he's looking real promising - LOL. Dog is fast. But we should soon be having lots of contractors here, all day long... multiple BIG trucks... and it will be better for everyone, if the dogs have their own space to patrol, most of the time. Some dogs can't be stopped by fences, but with reinforcement, they can learn to respect them. Beebs is also a problem - while Knucks sees new people as new playmates, Beebs really doesn't like other men. He constantly barked at Buck for 2 days and kept putting himself between Holly and him. He did that with Rick yesterday too.

While Beebs is a gentle, slowpoke old man most of the time... he's superprotective and even Steve has been surprised at how protective. Beebs is also twice as big as Knuckles and not everyone understands dogs.

On the pond side of the driveway, I have a field that grows pretty decent grass. The chicken coops are over there too. So, we want to fence that for Steve's geese and ducks... and get more chickens. Probably also some kind of other livestock (way down the road later) so we can make cheese. There is more room, of course on the property. But this seems halfway to functional already.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 02, 2019, 11:19:45 AM
Well, that didn't take long to get real.

Buck called and told me he had something to tell me but he didn't want me to go into a tizzy. Another surgery - to put the med devices back in. It's an experiment and sort of a "cover their butts" for all the stuff they've screw up so far. Because they're not going to test to see what his infection levels are, prior to surgery... they're running the risk of it flaring up to septic levels again. At which point, the devices come back out and never go back in. He is only now regaining health, so why not see if they mess him up again?   :mad:

But I'm not in a tizzy, because I've been walking through this with him for the last 2 years. SSDD. AND, because he thought enough of me, to tell me before anyone else. Complete opposite of Mike who literally stopped talking to me those last years, gradually. Whether that was his protectiveness or he knew I had more energy for being angry, I won't know.

But because he was already considering closing his shop and relocating (somewhere TBD) a year from now, I told him maybe this was good timing. But so far, we're taking things one at a time. The idea of partnering is pretty strong for both of us; reciprocal. And I knew ahead of time about what he's dealing with. So, we'll take things as they come up... and share smiles, and make devious frivolous plans and have as much fun as possible throughout the process. He's admitted he's not very good at talking about his feelings, but I reminded him there are lots of ways to communicate. We'll figure it out.

The revelation, for me, is that he's not just some simple country boy. There is a depth of education under the grease monkey and a native intelligence (on a lot of levels) that he is showing me. We've done the trying to scare each other off dance... and no one's going anywhere.

----
newsflash; Steve is working the DC 4th of July mess on the mall tomorrow and Thursday. I was so hoping he wasn't. Well, damn. Hol and I are kinda in the same spot - sending our guys off to dangerous stuff and waiting for them to come back, whole and happy.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 03, 2019, 12:22:10 AM
I'm so sorry Buck has to deal with injury, infection and surgery, and that you have to deal with your new loves suffering. But how amazing that you have found something serious and beautiful in this connection. I hope whatever he is having to face will ultimately make him betteR.

M and I have been talking a lot about the reality of this chapter, too. I hope it makes love sweeter for all of us! We're incntral Paris and the weather is heaven. Had dinner at the flat of my old friend's daughter...both girls cooked a feast and the husband turned out to be a historian, so he and M had a great time. For me, being with the girls was like happy mothering again.

Love and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 03, 2019, 09:08:22 AM
Hopsie... I'm pretty much over the moon about all this. Despite the looming reality of potential loss, I'm able to cherish the little things that make shouldering the big things, walking like Thunder, and walking through fire... a piece of cake. We only have as much time as we have; and rather than hide in fear and worry... I think we're both committed to laughing and dancing our way through it. This time.

Sharing the "warts & all" stories online with each other isn't nearly as satisfactory as paper, so I think I'm going to be copying/printing some things. Too many tech glitches lately, and while my hair can't get any whiter from obsessing over fixing them... I do tend to rip hair out over it. LOL. Distance relationships require several levels of backup communication technology.

I sure hope you laugh and dance your way around Paris, dear. What a treat! What a blessing that you all can do this and create shared memories.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 06, 2019, 08:51:33 AM
I'm still on cloud 9.

About the time, I start worrying that my fantasizing is setting myself up for heartbreak... he says something else that makes me giggle like a 15 year old and distracts me from that pattern of "threat assessment". Or sends me a song to express his feelings.

He's waiting on the surgeon presently. Since he's gone through this every few months for the last 2 years, it's all SOP now. The only tough part was yesterday. He clammed up and started gearing himself up for facing this yet again. Like pulling back a bowstring... taut. But I understand that process and respect his space to do so. I don't need to know what his thoughts and feelings are about doing this yet again. Just need to let him know I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere; I'll keep a lookout for him.

Just like I know he has my back, too. So, we don't need to "fix" each other. LOL. It might be a longer time, for Buck, that he's had anything resembling this in his life. So, he's struggling for words. But I'm seeing the glimmers of a romantic already; possibly a poet too. He's certainly a "classic" model. LOL.

As it happens, there is a lot of other important stuff going on at the moment. Some of it I choose to engage in; some of it just has to go away for the time being. Hol is tackling one of them; her sister is travelling through. But has been told NOT to come to my house without an invitation. Period. Yeah, mom still loves her, but I simply don't have the energy to deal with her crap when she doesn't give a rat's about my life or anyone else but herself. So she's stopping at her Dad's this morning and Hol will go over there. He still doesn't know Hol miscarried. And he can be a difficult person to interact with too. Hol woke up angry this morning. I don't take it personally; she could also have chosen not to engage. Sparing herself. Maybe it will be different this time; so she's taking the chance to see for herself. I'm not interested and have enough going on right now.

Hol has been begging me to have a life again. Well, hello. Zero to 90 mph in a nanosecond. I know my criteria very well; I know what meets it too. And recognizing that in the flesh, and the eyes... has got my full attention and participation. But I'm also juggling the farm stuff, lawyers, financial things... and sorting out a lot of logistics for the big construction project. While I park my butt on the porch and type out all the things jostling for attention and decisions (? Later?) in my head.

Oh, and I have a canvas started. LOL. It's another barn Hops. I'm recreating/redesigning a painting I did way before art school from my current sensibilities. Hol has carried and hung that painting everywhere she's lived. So I'm changing almost everything about it... and yet, it will still be the same painting. IF... I can pull that off, I'll be happy.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on July 06, 2019, 01:52:36 PM
Amber:

This last post of yours brings up such sweet sadness for me.  You have so much going on.  I recognize that kind of activity.... energy..... hope, and it's overwhelming to contemplate.  So many balls in the air.  Like a 3 ring circus, dividing your attention between your children/kid's reaction to ex, your farm, your business, your new fella with his health issues.  It doesn't make me dizzy to read, but I notice I occassionally close my eyes before reading on.  Particularly after reading about Hol waking up angry, and her visiting her sister and father.  You don't post about the ex much.  I'm surprised every time you do.  You're navigating/distancing that chaos masterfully, IMO.  You aren't letting the things, you can't control, control you.  You seem to have mastered that skill.  At least you seem to have. 

You're leaning into the joy, Amber.   
And you're painting!
  Again. 

That makes me smile, and I'm so happy for you. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 07, 2019, 03:24:27 AM
Oh, (((Amber))). Yes, this is a lot.
I think the earliest stages of new Real Love are actually the scariest. The transition from the reliable but heavy turtle shell we've taught ourselves to drag around because there's just no choice:
Not ready to heart share
Nobody right and ready around to heart share
The one we did heart share with dies
Health, isolation or family crisis leave no time to heart share....

And then we DO?
He might die too.

This is the daunting part. I feel I've just come through it, heading up on six months. And finally nearing what you're talking about--yup, we're mortal, bad something inevitably comes, and meanwhile, this is today and I choose to love anyway. Accept the mysterious gift of happiness and allow my carapace to carry a permanent crack. A big one.

What's lovely is despite kitchen marauders etc, you are in a place where solitude and support are both possible. I hope the balance gets sorted out so that it's comfort mostly, with only some stress.

Sending much light your way, and Buck's.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on July 07, 2019, 05:43:01 PM
Amber:

When the stress of sharing space, kitchen clutter, and food creeps in.....
slow down, take a good look at where you are, and who you're with.  This phase, you're passing through, will be over in the blink of an eye.  Once it's gone, you'll find yourself wishing for one more day.   To SEE Hol there again.  To BE there, and say something, or do something you missed. 

So pay attention to everything.  Not just the negative.  It takes energy to dismiss the negative, and seek out the positive, IME. 

Yesterday I was enjoying my home, and it hit me, as it always does.... this is going to end.   I won't BE here, this way, with these people much longer.  A new phase will begin.  It's SO familiar,  and it helps me take care of what's really important NOW, IMO. 

I've had that feeling before every big change in my life, and change always comes. 

Lighter



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 09, 2019, 04:16:58 PM
I'm hanging on for the ride. Make the most of whatever time we're given.

Buck was in surgery about 6 hrs last night, then I stayed up to keep him long distance company; most of the night. We avoided a close call with me stirring up a hornet's nest because he'd been heavily medicated for 3 days and only allowed to eat sproradically since the surgery wasn't scheduled; more of a standby situation. I think I was still trying to type a text when my "off switch" kicked in last night.

I'd used up even all the reserve energy I had. Complications today; AGAIN. And now I'm waiting to see how that turns out. I'm the world's worst at waiting, except maybe for Buck. I'm just glad they didn't release him this morning. (They have a nasty habit of doing so, just hours after surgery.) He's always had secondary issues pop up; some times they self correct, some times they need attention/intervention.

And I had to deal with my own issues - echoes of the past getting applied to present are simply NOT relevant, IMO. But whatever this is costing me, is most definitely worth it. Even if there's no future in it. (I might be a little crazy about him.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 10, 2019, 08:57:31 AM
For someone who claims not to be good with words or talking about his feelings, he's done an amazingly good job of explaining himself to me. I keep reminding myself, that the connection has germinated for years, it didn't just miraculously sprout when he got out of the truck. He has motivation to put up with the suffering of this surgery and a purpose which it will serve, that just didn't exist for him and he didn't expect it to. It's a welcome surprise for him too.

Now, it's more important than ever that the Holly Hut start moving forward and get completed asap.

So, from having the property all to myself and mio-mio... all of sudden I find myself surrounded by people with their own routines, schedules, interests and in Steve's case a need for a fence for his birds, two dogs and possibly two more cats soon. And of course the revolving door of weekend guests.

Long range farm plans are expanding too. I'm hoping that I don't freak out and have a control freak attack. I can get overwhelmed sometimes when big things change this fast, even if I do usually surf it pretty good.

Yes, I've already pulled a relationship horoscope for us, which has a decided psychological perspective. The pitfalls might have been more of an issue when we were both younger. But the positives are going to actually help us manage those, along with plain old living experience. Dang service is pretty accurate at picking through to my actual fears and even my observations and perceptions about the chemistry. Lots of validation of the things I've been noticing - I'm not just imagining it, if this stuff is to be believed.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 10, 2019, 10:10:13 AM
What I believe is how you're feeling, and that sounds wonderful!

You have good instincts, hon. You chose Mike who loved you well, despite warts. And I'll bet your instinct is telling you Buck is your man for this chapter and you can trust it.

I hope you'll not FREAK about the need to control how much change, action, guest traffic and acceleration you can handle on the farm. But just make some calm assertive statements about how much you are ready to have happen right now, and which parts need to wait a while. You don't even need a chapter and verse justification...this is your farm.

Hang in there and respect your innards. Hear their needs before sirens go off. You're going to be fine but you're going through some big change yourself, with suffering attached.

That's a lot.

love,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on July 10, 2019, 03:00:29 PM
Buck.

::grin::.

He sounds like a Viking Cowboy, Amber.

Buck: )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 11, 2019, 12:29:17 PM
More Viking than Cowboy, Lighter - but that's still apt. He's a handful that's for sure. But I've got more patience and understanding than in years past. I think he still doesn't believe me, when I say "Go do, but hurry back" - like I don't mean that or something.

Hops, at least this isn't POINTLESS suffering, the kind we've put ourselves through sometimes, while untangling our personal puzzles. It's just the normal stuff that comes along with daring to love and take the risks. Calculated risks, coldly assessed - but with passion. For me, those kinds of decisions don't take much time at all. Silly horoscope kept repeating words like "betwitched" and "enchanted". LOL. Which is why I spent more time chewing on the potential pitfalls and where they might be located. (Could be totally wrong, but then it's not a prediction of what WILL happen; only that circumstances are favorable... depending on each of us as individuals and what kinds of work we've done.)

He had a bit of a crisis yesterday and the misery was evident. He was so apologetic and checking to see if I was disgusted, so I reminded him I learned a lot of practical nursing skills not so long ago and when I say I'm willing to share everything I mean everything. The hardest thing for me, is not being there and not being able to do anything to help; not even hold his hair back. But I was who he called at 2 and 3 am when the crisis moved on to something more like a panic attack, too. As inhumane as it would be to not provide painkillers for surgery, the opposite can be just as bad to endure if you're the patient and the dose is too high or something with an unpredictable neurological effect. THAT I knew how to deal with.

A confused and frightened man with the proper prior training and experience can be exceedingly dangerous. Especially for those trying to care for him, without being aware of that about him. One of his nurses is a former marine; she's done right by him this whole stay. That helps a lot. I think after yesterday, he's turned the recovery corner and he'll start improving daily now. At least I'm telling myself that. And him. (Fingers crossed)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on July 11, 2019, 01:58:49 PM
I'm crossing fingers and toes for Buck's recovery, Amber.

I don't understand the illness, or the history and "danger" part, but I know he's lucky you're in his life. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 11, 2019, 03:15:19 PM
What Lighter said, word for word.

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 12, 2019, 12:25:15 PM
Thanks ladies. It's an injury received years ago, when he volunteered for a combat mission. Spine; similar to what Ronnie's gone thru.

Fingers still crossed, he's steadily improved and it will still be 2 weeks before the incisions heal, assuming he doesn't spring new leaks. Getting released some time today. Now to convince him not to overdo it too soon. Everyone else, who's right around him, will have the same mindset too.

If he's lucky, this will be the last time for surgery with these devices that a)stimulate his nerves and keeps him mobile without a wheelchair and b) provides a mask from the pain involved. Hopefully the infection is permanently kicked or at least managable now. Ft. Bragg is handling that part.

When you're stuck in a hospital bed (and finally cognizant) there's not much to do but think. And talk.
Even if neither one of us types that well on phones. We've covered an awful lot of ground in the past 7 days. And this is so serious - not just entertainment - that I had a lot of old Mikey stuff come up to deal with. None of it is relevant here, but the fact I hadn't finished with it. Thought I had years yet to do the last bits. Surprise. LOL... so I made short work of that, but THOROUGH work, considering that Buck is a walking bionic man and will forever more require more medical attention than average. He has over 4,000 pages of medical history.

I had to let Mike take whatever anger & frustration & bitterness I still have for the things he left behind for me to deal with... (not so much material items, but artifacts of our relationship) and take back; reclaim my love to give elsewhere. And let Mike go completely. It's been 4 years; longer if we count the time he withdrew from me. And during that time, when things got to be too much for me or threatened to go completely crazy, Buck was there. Carefully navigating the minefields of being supportive of me, without assuming anything. Years. So I returned that favor this week. The minefields I'm used to, aren't any less dangerous than the ones he knows.

We're square now. We can just walk away knowing we each did the other a good deed. But that's not at all what is going to happen. He has plenty to deal with himself, and prior commitments to finish up. And I don't get to plan anything all by myself anymore. And I don't have to fantasize either. So, whole new journey. Still taking it one step at a time.

Who knew I was getting this good at jumping off cliffs? LOL, I know someone's waiting to catch me maybe that's the difference.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on July 12, 2019, 05:39:43 PM
Buck was there for you, and now you're there for him.  That's a very touching connection, Amber.  You get to know someone, in a different way, in those moments, IME.

You sound level,  brave, and ready for what comes next, IMO. 

::sending Buck patience, and healing pink light::.

I'm guessing his military training, and experiences will carry him through the frustration of waiting, and healing.  I'm also guessing he'll have PT in place pretty quick.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 12, 2019, 07:42:50 PM
You don't take on the easy stuff, do you, ((((((Amber)))))).

This is a painful road with a joy and meaning stripe down the middle.

I truly admire you for offering this man love, loyalty and support at a time when his suffering must be stratospheric. He is, in this way anyway, extremely fortunate.

I'm just so very sorry for his pain.
And have faith that you'll continue to take care of you, along with the loving.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on July 15, 2019, 01:27:21 PM
Wow, Skep, every time I take my eyes off the threads for a day or two I come back and you've got a million things going on again.  I really hope Buck's recovery goes well.  A 4,000 page medical history sounds eye watering.  He is very lucky to have such a strong Amazon by his side through this. xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 16, 2019, 09:06:45 AM
Thanks Tupp, he definitely knows that... and now that the worst is over, we've both kinda hit that quietly COMFORTABLE peaceful zone. I'm finding out some subtle things about him - the kind from observation; not stuff he says.

He's self-aware and introspective. He is concerned how he impacts others and adjusts accordingly. He is very observant, paying attention, thinking and thoughtful, under that resilient, independent, testosterone-fueled HOO-RA shell. Wise and kind papa-bear; but not to crossed lightly. He also has places that have been very carefully placed into locked trunks in the dark corners of his mind, so that he could keep on living a life. His big group of friends knows he's the first to offer help and they're loyal above & beyond. He likes keeping it simple.

When echoes of the past came up to haunt/taunt me after he made it through the ugliest part of the post-op recovery, I finally cried. And he said just the right thing at just the right time. Without denying me the needed release.

Still going very slowly and carefully - but you all know me better than anyone except maybe Hol. I'm pretty taken with this guy and sense that I can trust him. Enough so, that I can let myself fall and know he'll catch me.

Meanwhile, life is rockin' on here. I have first draft of new estate plan (covering the resignation of my discernment re: the Amy situation and adapting to no Mike reality) and Hol and I meet with contractor for Holly Hut Thursday to go over floor plan and cost estimate; likely talk about contract too. New lawyer is an absolute delight. 180 degrees different than my corp lawyer - he's funny; our brains work the same and he moves fast; I can keep up but reserve the right to second-guess things - he understands; he's also a tax lawyer and seemingly a very nice person. He's a gem and I'm keepin' him.

I'm trying to completely finish up some things that were started at various times, Hol is trying not to add anything new, and taking stock of things. I've started shopping for new clothes, especially pretties. Been awhile, since I could think of myself that way. Changing hair style again too; growing it out. And I'm playing... will wonders never cease?
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 18, 2019, 07:08:12 AM
No rest for the weary around here. I think I'm going to have to travel south soon for another "fix" live, and in living color, of my sweetie.

He's still going through unpleasant complications; it's not the first time for this so he copes pretty well. But it means a shift in my routine - I can be awake at all hours of the night now, instead of my normal diurnal sleep schedule. Hol is riding herd on me, reminding me that she and I have multiple things going on pertaining to our situation and life here... and keeping me from smothering this man who's been successfully alone for even longer than I've been. The "crowding" reflex is a left-over from Mike's clingy neediness. I didn't like it much either, so I'm trying hard to be conscious of it... and give him space and autonomy.

Meeting this morning with Holly Hut contractor; going over plans, cost estimates, etc. Hopefully get a tentative start date. Hol & Steve are going to start tackling the clearing of the site - brush and smaller trees and because former house guest needs some extra income (and something to take his mind off the old neural paths he's starting to return to) he's going to spend a couple days assisting. It's back-breaking work and not for the un-spry. But I've offered the bobcat up and can run that, behind them, to get things pulled out and levelled.

New lawyer sent me home with a binder to review all the estate, trust plan he put together in our first meeting. Added plus, he seems very well-versed in tax law too. And he's incredibly straightforward, charming and funny. Don't think I didn't kinda take a moment to think about that during our mind-meld session. LOL. He even took an interest in the property and suggested an additional land acquisition... having bought into my goal of owning a significant buffer between me and any future development out here.

Had a pleasant conversation with my brother about some of the suggestions lawyer made for the business as well. And he's engaged in the need for discussion! (Miracle) and willing to research on his end too. Amazing what getting out of bad relationships and some therapy can do for a person.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 18, 2019, 10:42:17 AM
That is all awesome news, ((((Amber))))!

Bonanza sounds amazing. Would love to see the spread one day. Exciting stuff.

I will not bother being concerned about house guest becoming a barnacle in your lives whose mental illness continues to surge and fall and your family becomes somehow his family and there he is decades from now, drinking beer and being needy, and the charm has totally evaporated from being his rescuers.... Ahem. Right. Won't be concerned!

I'm glad you get to see B soon. As to the hovering concern, heed it with all your strength. M's post-widowhood intensity, his desire to hover and enmesh, was so powerful at first it nearly drove me mad. Fortunately, after six months he's feeling more secure I think, but it really tested me. I felt smothered. Didn't matter that he was proclaiming love nonstop, he wouldn't get out of my mental space and kept doing everything he could to "hook back" my attention. It backfired big time.

I don't think you're anywhere near out of control as M was. But it's something to manage as best you can. I know you know that, just preaching to a very smart and self-aware choir things I many times needed to preach to myself.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 19, 2019, 11:58:08 AM
Yup Hops; you're absolutely right. And I'm painfully aware of that tendency in myself. I think I just explained it to Buck, adequately if not perfectly. He needs something besides his own physical trauma to think about right now. And I did tell him it's my job to ride herd on it and if fixing is possible, work on that too. I also worry about mind-reading his reaction to it, in myself. We're in the midst of another post-op storm that may require additional surgery. So crazy times again. For me; not so much him - this is now SOP for him.

But you KNOW what kind of past crap is coming up for me and the temptation to see the pattern and react as if they're the same situation; they most definitely are NOT the same. So, juggling that too. And I have to accomplish a couple more things on the Holly Hut project today, then I can let myself obsess to my heart's content on this other stuff.

But I think I'm going to continue trying to untangle past & present instead. I'm. Not sure when I'll get to see Buck again. I had to basically find the biggest sharpie I could find and write in the very front of my mind... that an essential reality here, is that I may never see him again. Not that I wouldn't move heaven and earth trying to do so. Because whether I intended to or not, I got that invested emotionally in the space of a few hours; a couple of days.

It does absolutely no good to lecture myself or beat up on myself or judge myself over it now. Now it's just a matter trying to figure out how best to surf this without drowning. Sometimes, that means to stop struggling.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 19, 2019, 05:15:32 PM
Totally agree and cheering you on.

You took the tally and decided this is so real that it is worth it,
and now you're riding the waves.

I know you are going to be okay. He has already awakened you
and jump-started your heart. Only because you chose to open it.

Now the task is to remember that there is ALSO joy in walking
peacefully in one's own skin. You still own your skin. That skin
is containing and supporting and sheltering you, and very competently.

You're not going to dissolve and lose yourself, no matter what happens
next (poor guy). You are still you and will remain you and you both are
and always will be a wonderful companion, because you've worked so
hard to become a good companion to yourself.

That's my take. I know this is hard, hon.
I can imagine.

(I feel the same way about M, warts and all, simply because it feels
so good to love and be loved back.)

love
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 20, 2019, 08:58:16 AM
It is worth it Hops. Last night with no reference whatsoever, he just said "thank you". I was so sleepy I didn't even ask for what..... LOL. He's still waiting, all doped up again, in the hospital to find out what needs to be fixed this time. But at least it will be cool in there. This heat can take a hike, IMO.

Struck me, that my last relationship ended with all this kind of difficulty. And this one, is starting with it. I hope that it follows later on, with an absence of this kind of thing. Might be too much to ask, but I guess I'm not shy about hoping for it.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 20, 2019, 11:13:09 AM
Just suffused gratitude, not for specific behavior, but for you being you, for being open, for loving him, for being in his life. How beautiful and deserved.

Oh I hope so too, that you two will have a beautiful chapter together with peace from pain. SO hope so.

Calling on the universe, deliver comfort please pronto to Mr. B.

Yes about the heat. Should "feel like" well into the hundreds today. Don't wanna do anything. M wanted to sprint over to the U. for a special exhibit. But with parking, we'd be trundling around in this heat. Not interested.

hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 21, 2019, 11:34:40 AM
Well, these are all just stumbling blocks in the post-op recovery. Looks like the docs are just trying to stabilize his symptoms and let time do it's thing. He does sound a lot less miserable and more like his cantankerous and mischevious self. We're sorting out all the emotional stuff I've got hanging around still... from Mike's passing. He's a captive audience, and I have a way to type out the stuff in my head for him... so he knows and he knows he doesn't have to respond. Just listen. He knows now, I can separate past & present but I can't help seeing patterns that can freak me out. It's WORK, and it's my work.

Meanwhile, Hol couldn't wait one more day, till the temps drop off to normal to get started clearing brush on the Hut site. I don't know how long they'll last - but since we have former house guest trading us 2 days of his work for reasonable pay the first of the week - I've got to go collect the supplies to feed the troops today. I'll get more diesel for the bobcat too. Hol said she could drive it, so I gave the OK. It's just too hot for me. I was halfway ill yesterday from the heat. I'll be helping with the bobcat when it cools off. Rick came & looked at the next bit of work we need to cross off the list, and he'll want the bobcat too because I have a big auger. So its all happening as fast as humanly possible - while all the new relationship is going on, too. Hol and I had to take a day off from each other yesterday. I had enough in my head that I was processing as fast as I could... that I didn't have any room for hers or her ideas or want-tos.

She ran into the living room, dancing around a bit, and then threw me a Klondike bar - like feeding the lions at the zoo. LOL.... silly kid. But it does help.

Much as I like the south and it's culture and traditions... the heat just makes it impossible for me to live there. I do much better with below zero temps and 4 ft of snow. I can suffer through a few days of extreme heat - but 3 weeks is a bit much; and it's takes a toll. I don't even sleep well.

Next week will be different all the way around.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 26, 2019, 01:34:22 PM
"Interesting" week around here - as in the Chinese curse type of interesting.

Good = Holly Hut work has started. She, Steve, the backhoe buddy and the bobcat are making short work of clearing enough trees to build. He's handling the perk test and application for septic permit; well company is on vacation till Tuesday next week, then we'll deal with that. Hol will stake out boundaries of the foundation and chances are backhoe guy will excavate for septic. Power company came out and gave me a formula to realize that running poles and lines down there, will be as expensive as high-end solar-propane-generator system estimate... with the added negative that they would need to clear another road basically parallel to the existing road of trees. That would hurt all of us, I think. They need 15-30 ft of space, clear, to protect power lines. She and Steve have found most of a path, up and down the cliff at the back of the house that can be developed for a shortcut between both places.

Buck and I are giving each other more space; he's healing up pretty good this go-round just taking longer than he wants. One way or another, we'll be seeing each other soon. Road goes both ways. It's proving to be an interesting process this long-distance situation.

Obviously, we aren't in constant contact. Both of us have lots of things to do in our separate lives. It's easy to feel like there really isn't an "us" yet... like he's dropped off the airwaves; sometimes that's because he's really incommunicado without communication stuff. But that's GOOD, in the long run. So we say good morning and check in on each other's day at night. In between there can be communication (solo) regarding thoughts on specific topics depending on the day's schedule. I have more free time than he does. And we can get in depth, sharing on certain topics. Other times, I can feel him as close as if he were right behind me.

So the connection, I *think*, was the first thing established and has evolved the most so far. Only now are we getting into the normal "getting to know you" stuff: just how many kids do you HAVE? Talking about past lives & experiences... where we are now. He is about the same age Mike was, so very close to my age. But while I was graduating high school and escaping the clutches of my FOO only to find myself going from frying pan to fire...

He was having his first experience of combat. It came up, because he had a nightmare (he claims he doesn't sleep deep enough to dream, because of not wanting the nightmares to happen) about his first "must survive" fight. And what he learned about himself as a result. So we both have our different PTSD experiences which the "us" will have to live with. He was able to tell me the story; calmly; no embellishment. I actively listened; compassionately witnessed. And that's all that was needed. I didn't freak out over it and intuited a lot about the situation. We go away; and then come back and talk about it some more. I think he's a bit bowled over that I'm not fleeing in terror, judging him, and that I really do know some of what dealing with it all about.

But it did cause me to pause and take a serious look at my capability. I know my limits somewhat; definitely know my triggers (and those got tripped in a big way over the weekend again; thanks Amy) so the process of dealing with those things was close to the surface for me too. And except for that one day of trauma that involved the physical fight and rape, my triggering experiences are very different than his. There shouldn't be any overlap or confusion due to our own crap.

But we both know that it's our job to fix our own crap. He has help; as do I. And we keep working on it. But I do understand; and I don't see him negatively because of this "baggage" he's still dealing with. He's just as human as I am. And he's just as kind, considerate, empathetic and caring as someone might be who hasn't been through what he has. Given the crap I've been through and picking my way carefully through that mess to what I describe as "mostly healthy" I can least encourage him that it's not a life sentence. I do realize it never completely goes away - or Amy & the boys wouldn't trigger all that for me in the first place. But I can deal with it when it comes up and contain it enough to still function.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on July 27, 2019, 10:51:37 AM
Utterly impressive, Amber.
This is one very mature (life mature, as in seasoned with wisdom) getting-to-know-you process you and B are in.

I like the way you describe it, approach it, respect it, and accept it.

Really.

Maybe someone with your history is the person who can relate to someone with his, and vice versa. It sure sounds like it. And you kept your head engaged and your triggers on safety.

Bravo, you!

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 28, 2019, 09:09:41 AM
Hahaha! Here's something ironic.

Just as I'm kicking the last of the social shoulds to the curb, and the white picket fence limitations... he's very old fashioned in his ideas about relationships. Eyes open for possessiveness cues in the future, but I don't think there will be any. He's already heard several of the stories of scorched earth I left behind with some relationships. As for me, I've had to let him go do - guy stuff - so many times already, that pattern is already established. The enmeshment issue isn't going to be a big one with this guy. And one of the things he respects about me is my ability to defend myself and deal with my own crap.

Yet the level of romance stuff and real connection - the simple way he sees and explains things - has got me sinking into comfort and immense gratitude that I could be this lucky - again. He validated my intuition and recollection of small things that were clues to understanding that he's been keeping an eye on me for quite some time; knowing when he needed to tell me he was there... and keeping his distance when I had things under control. I know things about him that he hasn't exactly told me yet. This feeling isn't giddy - it's like sinking your toes into that lovely moss lighter grows and laughing at how it tickles sometimes. It's restful.

There is some big astrological stuff coming up in January - and the movements that direction have already started. I don't pay a LOT of attention to astrology - but neither do I ignore the serious student's work. I'm beginning to understand that some of the changes - including new relationships - that seem to be trending right now, are part of that change. One of the widows on my other forum, has also repartnered recently. It's like we're finding those good matches now, in preparation for getting through what this planetary chart is going to generate months from now. Deepening some relationships and letting others go is definitely part of that.

My general anxiety levels are fading away - even in the face of the my normal disruptions/crises and now dealing with Buck's. I suppose it's possible that those years alone I finally connected and established some trust with; confidence in, my deeper intuitive/emotional side - which came up in the middle of Mike's and my relationship and he never was comfortable with - so now, there isn't anything lurking in the dark corners of my past which is going to show up and crash the party. I've connected reactions and patterns of behavior/thought with the things I'm still working on... and they're known. I can talk about those without experiencing shame. It'll take longer for the anger to completely subside, I know... but it's going down too.

Now if I could just snap my fingers and have all the weeds pulled in my garden beds -- LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on July 29, 2019, 08:33:12 AM
Slight clarification - because of this year's worth of time and individual responsibilities - he isn't going to ALLOW enmeshment/co-dependent stuff to get a foothold. It's because he has things he MUST do. I am seeing warning signs in myself; and it's due to lack of understanding/experience of where the line should be, between being involved with someone and enmeshing. Good chance for me, to work on that some more. Patterns and habits.

The other thing that dawned on me, is that I'm used to being in the lead on decision-making. Makes me a terrible dance partner, unless I learn to let go and RELAX, stop struggling, and trust his lead. The last thing I want is another power struggle like Mike and I went through. This is not the same as giving up autonomy.

Communication is still a weak point for me. Instead of realizing exactly what I want or need, and asking for it, I get invested in the emotional side of that and then beat around the bush, dropping hints & clues, and striking a match of resentment when my mind isn't being read. (See: enmeshment)

So he's working on fixing his medical issues and unentangling himself or finishing up his responsibilities on his side of this year. And I think I just listed my major tasks.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 01, 2019, 09:04:33 AM
Stop Struggling, is precisely the right mantra right now. For me.

I have spent most of my life since the Twiggy days, being over-responsible, over-compensating, with a chip on my shoulder about proving that I was indeed better than "good enough"... in an attempt to be worthy of love. Yeah, that worked out well. Some took advantage of me and I resented it; other times I threw myself away in desperation. Until some switch would flip in my head and I'd pull up the big girl pants and pull on the boots and walk away without looking back.

Clearly, that habit pattern bumps up against Buck's competency and effectiveness at taking care of himself. He is very independent and good at it. It's not a struggle for him; that's who he is. That old need to be needed thing again; riding to the rescue. Sigh..... it's totally not necessary here. It's also awkward and gets in my way. Now that I've gotten the worst of the Mikey crap out of my spaces... it's time to also clean the cobwebs and old patterns out of my head and reactions and tendencies.

So, stop struggling also refers to being able to accept that all is well; I am safe; I'm not going to get lost in this relationship or bulldozed... and I don't have to work so damn hard to be "worthy". I really can trust him; he's wise, experienced, and he cares - a LOT. There is an open door to the opportunity to fully step into "me" sans roles and expectations and STILL be accepted and appreciated. And this is outside my comfort zone of always having to do everything in a relationship. Brand new experience for me. Unfamiliar and awkward. But it sure feels pretty nice when I stop analyzing it with my super-fine microscope. Like getting home, after being away for a long time.

Today I'm going to put on a new dress and go to town; pick up my new glasses... run a couple more leisurely errands and get back this afternoon in time to put in a few more hours on the work shirt I'm making him. It's going to be too big; already know that - he's lost a lot of weight through the surgeries.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on August 01, 2019, 10:55:51 AM
Stop Struggling, is precisely the right mantra right now. For me.

I have spent most of my life since the Twiggy days, being over-responsible, over-compensating, with a chip on my shoulder about proving that I was indeed better than "good enough"... in an attempt to be worthy of love. Yeah, that worked out well. Some took advantage of me and I resented it; other times I threw myself away in desperation. Until some switch would flip in my head and I'd pull up the big girl pants and pull on the boots and walk away without looking back.

Clearly, that habit pattern bumps up against Buck's competency and effectiveness at taking care of himself. He is very independent and good at it. It's not a struggle for him; that's who he is. That old need to be needed thing again; riding to the rescue. Sigh..... it's totally not necessary here. It's also awkward and gets in my way. Now that I've gotten the worst of the Mikey crap out of my spaces... it's time to also clean the cobwebs and old patterns out of my head and reactions and tendencies.

So, stop struggling also refers to being able to accept that all is well; I am safe; I'm not going to get lost in this relationship or bulldozed... and I don't have to work so damn hard to be "worthy". I really can trust him; he's wise, experienced, and he cares - a LOT. There is an open door to the opportunity to fully step into "me" sans roles and expectations and STILL be accepted and appreciated. And this is outside my comfort zone of always having to do everything in a relationship. Brand new experience for me. Unfamiliar and awkward. But it sure feels pretty nice when I stop analyzing it with my super-fine microscope. Like getting home, after being away for a long time.

Today I'm going to put on a new dress and go to town; pick up my new glasses... run a couple more leisurely errands and get back this afternoon in time to put in a few more hours on the work shirt I'm making him. It's going to be too big; already know that - he's lost a lot of weight through the surgeries.

Skep, getting dressed up for a trip into town sounds lovely, and making Buck a work shirt just sounds so sweet :)

I always think it's strange that we struggle when we meet people who don't need us to be messed up?  So many years for you of over reaching and over compensating - it would be nice if when we met someone who doesn't need us to do that that it was just an easy relief.  But sometimes we struggle, don't we, to not do the things we've always done - even though we don't need to anymore.

Old habits and old patterns, I guess - hard to keep on top of.  I'm so glad you're getting this time with Buck, even if he does live a bit of a journey away.  I hope not having to do everything in this relationship starts to feel easier and more natural soon :) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 02, 2019, 08:39:20 AM
Thank ye Tupp.

It might not be a real thing, if there weren't some bumps and discomfort along the way, would it? I don't think I could trust anything that was TOO EASY. It would just seem false, somehow.

I think, right now anyway, that the trickiest thing I'm navigating is the physical distance, his independence and lack of needing to be smothered in "woman". It definitely doesn't mean he not emotionally available or doesn't care. He's always showing me in unsolicited ways. Still tells me he loves me twice a day... but not 10 times a day like he's trying to hypnotize me into trusting him. I don't know if he knows a thing about co-dependency - but his nature is such, that he's like an antidote to it, as long as I pay attention to my own baggage and try not to repeat it.

And of course it's going to feel completely new & unfamiliar for someone to want to take care of me for a change. Without wanting to turn me into a Stepford Wife. He definitely LIKES that I'm strong, busy, independent, and speak my mind. There is only one relationship I've had previously that comes close to that - and it was never ever going to be a domestic type of situation. I knew that from the beginning. It lasted maybe 10 years, but we were always apart and only spoke over the phone infrequently - at an incredible level of intimacy between us - for the last 5. Epitome of two ships passing in the night - but we knew each other almost immediately upon meeting; like someone from a past life story. He died in a car accident in the 90s.

Some of the first giddiness is wearing off now. (Not all of it; he can send me zooming with a single pet name again; and does on a regular basis. There's still a lot of flirting going on.) Beyond that, I'm noticing a lot of endearing qualities. He's pretty able to be vulnerable emotionally; despite fully qualifying for all the masculine attributes and even stereotypes. And he's comfortable with that... which in some magic way allows me more space to engage the feminine side of myself. Almost going as far back as Twiggy's 12 yr old girl understanding of boy-girl interactions and feeling way more "seen" with her Dad, than her mom.

He's also very disciplined (as former military often are), stays very busy at this or that - even when he's laid up recovering from surgery he's doing some with his hands; supportive without telling me what to do or trying to fix things; and for as long as we've talked - 5 or 6 years now - has been the greatest confidence booster in my abilities to do and manage and get through difficult things.

When Mama Tiger comes out, trying to protect him and defend him, he can tell me when to stand down and just stop; and she's been a little busy lately - which is how I bumped into his boundary. He doesn't need a babysitter or me clucking all around him trying to wrap him up in bubble-wrap. He is competent and capable and will handle it himself. So far all that's been communicated very gently and understanding. He's aware that I'm not very familiar with a lot of the things he's dealt with; but he knows I learn quick and can adapt/manage my instinct without just giving up and getting steamrolled.

The connection between us definitely has a non-verbal side; because of my difficulties sometimes saying something simply, just coming out with it; this is a good thing. It's kinda like we have our own psychic radio frequency. We just KNOW about each other. Bad moods, frustrating days, bad nights with nightmares, or worries... with one breath we seem to know when the other needs us and can feel that we're there, even when we can't communicate in reality at just that moment.

WHEW. Yeah, I been doing a lot of thinking about this. The long-distance thing and the timeframe involved, the big medical issues, and my crazy intense emotional laser beams has been a lot to reconcile in my logical mind. The reality that at any point in time something could happen to one or the other of us, and there wouldn't be any happy ending - except for being able to be there for each other, as best we can, right NOW. We may never make a traditional commitment, in the standard form; but this is as real as it gets.

I ain't never been "normal", and it doesn't look like I'm going to be trying any time soon either - LOL; he says the same about himself. We're both card carrying member of the Land of Misfit Children. LOL.

SO... some months ago, BB (before Buck), out of the blue, I announced to Hol that it was time for me to go through one of my periodic tranformations. Hair, wardrobe, lifestyle, etc. Some of this is lifecycle adaptation; some of it is associated with relationship chapters of my life. Or work, sometimes.

So I've been slowly digesting the idea trying to figure out what needs to go on a list to remember to do. My weight's down where I can move & work way more comfortably now - so I need to start adding in some time sculpting ye olde bod. So back to pilates, yoga and tai chi... adding some weight training for muscle strength too. All mostly core work. Back strengthening.

For the last year or so, I've played around with the idea of letting my hair grow long again. Last haircut, I argued the whole way to town with myself about it and told Abby, I'll call ya for an appt, to shape things up as it grows out. The short classic bob DID look really good, was easy to deal with. Yes. She was able to do things with the natural wave in my hair that Jim never quite controlled. But I'm not going to be happy until I try this and if I hate it, well in the space of 1/2 an hour, Abby can put it back the way it was.

Clothes, I've gotten about as uncaring about as I did food, for awhile. Plain, unpatterned fabric that covered me. J. Jill turned out to be just the ticket for me. And the clothes FELT good too. Simple shapes; very zen-ish... no frills. Spartan. But then I have work clothes for the farm, so lots of Carhartt type stuff; Duluth. And well.... now I want to look pretty - in my eyes and his. Plus it feels weird to wear jammies that Mike bought me. So I started with a couple things for night time. Bought 3 dresses from JJill, that are really CUTE. I think it was when Holly and I went to see Nick Cave, back in November... that I realized my wardrobe sucked pathetically. It was depressing. Nothing fun or really flattering. And I haven't bought pretty shoes in like FOREVAH.

How we look to ourselves, kind of influences how we FEEL. How we look to the outside world, kind of has multiple roles. It communicates something about "who we are", like with a business suit or scrubs, and also expresses a bit of "who we are really" to other people. These are two completely different things for me.

What I've bought so far... will look just fine, sans another 5 lbs or so and at least another couple inches less... with some muscle firming and toning. And I need to practice - in front of a mirror - smiling more. Until it both looks good, and feels good. This poker face just isn't gonna cut it anymore.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 02, 2019, 04:48:22 PM
That's so weird that you mention "poker face", Amber.  I think about that lately, how I'm used to carrying a face worthy of the Rifleman.... not aggressive, or mean, just very no-nonsense, and serious....  I think it's a coping strategy I haven't been able to let go of yet... but I'm working on it!  For a while, years ago, I would smile out of nervousness, and that was a problem too.   

About how we look effecting how we feel which translates into how others see and respond to us.....it's the same with what we SAY about ourselves to ourselves, and others, IME.  Our biology responds, and chemicals are released.  We might as well cultivate the happiest chemicals possible.

You appear to be navigating the long distance relationship gauntlet pretty well, IMO.  I'm not sure Buck is thinking as hard on it as you are, but I could be wrong. 

I'm glad you're putting everything, or a lot of it, in writing, bc it helps us process to write it out.  Also, it's sort of like a journal, if you want to go back, and see where you were... ever.

 I can't see any red flags, from what you're writing, outside spending time in the future and past, and the distance between you leaves a lot of space for that.  You aren't in the past and future out of worry.... I think you're processing, calculating, being pragmatic, and weighing the truths as you see them.  That's just being thorough. 

I'm looking forward to the time you two get back together again.  You'll likely have a good deal sorted out, emotionally and logistically, for yourself.  That will lead to more relaxed time, with the least amount of worry, and his physical recovery will be the issue at that point... I think.

Have fun, Amber.  I enjoy reading your posts, and enjoying vicariously through your and Hop's posts. 

Lighter





   



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 08, 2019, 09:00:20 AM
Whew. Busy times. But stuff is getting DONE!

Yes, Buck is putting a good deal of thought into this - and has been for some time, as is now apparent to me. He's been burned in bad relationships in the past though I haven't heard details of those stories. And so, he sat out the dance for a good long time too. What he finds valuable, as do I, is just the daily routine WITH a compatible person. So we've been building that - discovering what works best for us as times to really talk with each other; how much space we both need - and how much together time, too. Distance actually helps in this, I think.

The one thing that's tough for me, is reining myself in about taking care of him as he struggles with the health issues. For one thing, NOT BEING THERE, means I have to rely on his take about whether he's feeling poorly... and my imagination can spark anxiety and tension and worse. And I can't do a blessed thing when I can't lay hands on him, or feed him, advocate for him or massage his shoulders and get him to relax those muscles. That's a tad un-nerving for the Mama Tiger who doesn't want to feel helpless. So she paces a lot.

But what I CAN do, which he is indirectly asking for; hoping for... is just my listening and understanding and being there; caring. And that seems very important to him. And he needs my patience - which I still underestimate a lot. It never fails, either that when we actually talk via phone... that I can hear how he's feeling and we laugh about things and are getting to be best friends. He's my sounding board a lot, when Hol & I butt heads over boundaries and misperceptions and general crankiness with each other. He's already aware of boundaries there and dealing with them comfortably.

It's a good reality-based antidote to all my nutzo magical, romantic fantasies; grounding. We seem to be the right combination to do that for each other. So... 10 more months... and lots more learning about each other till then. Unless the Navy seriously thinks they can call him back to active duty with the health issues at 65. Yeah...

He had an evaluation for that last week. It's only possible because when he was injured (mid 90s), some typical snafu in his paperwork prevented them from completing his discharge from service. Then it would be another 3 years before he'd be free to make his own plans and decisions. That almost induced another Mama Tiger episode complete with panic attack... LOL. Almost.

Can you imagine being tantalized by the possibilities of a warm, close, loving relationship after pretty much not even bothering to think it was going to happen... and then imagining waiting 4 years to pursue it? ME?

Mind. Blown. But it could possibly (tho I think highly unlikely) be reality.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 08, 2019, 10:41:53 AM
Whew. Busy times. But stuff is getting DONE!

Yes, Buck is putting a good deal of thought into this - and has been for some time, as is now apparent to me. He's been burned in bad relationships in the past though I haven't heard details of those stories. And so, he sat out the dance for a good long time too. What he finds valuable, as do I, is just the daily routine WITH a compatible person. So we've been building that - discovering what works best for us as times to really talk with each other; how much space we both need - and how much together time, too. Distance actually helps in this, I think.

The one thing that's tough for me, is reining myself in about taking care of him as he struggles with the health issues. For one thing, NOT BEING THERE, means I have to rely on his take about whether he's feeling poorly... and my imagination can spark anxiety and tension and worse. And I can't do a blessed thing when I can't lay hands on him, or feed him, advocate for him or massage his shoulders and get him to relax those muscles. That's a tad un-nerving for the Mama Tiger who doesn't want to feel helpless. So she paces a lot.  What does Mama Tiger do with that pacing energy?  Do you go back to old practices, and use what you learned? 

But what I CAN do, which he is indirectly asking for; hoping for... is just my listening and understanding and being there; caring.  How can you switch that up, and have that BE enough for you too?    And that seems very important to him. And he needs my patience - which I still underestimate a lot. It never fails, either that when we actually talk via phone... that I can hear how he's feeling and we laugh about things and are getting to be best friends. He's my sounding board a lot, when Hol & I butt heads over boundaries and misperceptions and general crankiness with each other. He's already aware of boundaries there and dealing with them comfortably.  That sounds so comfortable, Amber.

It's a good reality-based antidote to all my nutzo magical, romantic fantasies; grounding. We seem to be the right combination to do that for each other. So... 10 more months... and lots more learning about each other till then. Unless the Navy seriously thinks they can call him back to active duty with the health issues at 65. Yeah... 

He had an evaluation for that last week. It's only possible because when he was injured (mid 90s), some typical snafu in his paperwork prevented them from completing his discharge from service. Then it would be another 3 years before he'd be free to make his own plans and decisions. That almost induced another Mama Tiger episode complete with panic attack... LOL. Almost.  Can you remember what that felt like, inside, and how you managed it?  I'm curious what your process is, if you're noticing it.

Can you imagine being tantalized by the possibilities of a warm, close, loving relationship after pretty much not even bothering to think it was going to happen... and then imagining waiting 4 years to pursue it? ME?  I can imagine it, and I'm glad you're with someone you've known and trusted for years.  I think that takes the other fears off the table of being taken, abused, abandoned, and fooled out of the equation, which is BIG, IME.

 It's just time, and you're perfectly capable of overcoming that, if you put your mind to it, IMO.  Nothing is set in stone, and there can be travel, back and forth, yes?

::NOD::.


Mind. Blown. But it could possibly (tho I think highly unlikely) be reality. 
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 08, 2019, 01:07:00 PM
Hmmm. That energy is all over the map. As were my responses, until I got a clear response from Buck that told me to stand down. Then, I just breathed and looked at it.

Initially, fear of loss showed up. (And yes, there are follow ons - like anger at things neither of us have control over.) Then, I immediately kicked into "well, this is WHAT IS" mode, running thru the list of everything I knew about him, ahead of time, before realizing this relationship can ALSO be something we both want.

Realizing my commitment came next; and how I could BEST love & support him - that suits what I willingly took on myself - without putting myself last on the list, for getting needs met. And accepting the vulnerability of the risk that how much, and how I give to him might not be GOOD ENOUGH, and doing it anyway. Waiting for feedback. And it's there.

So evolution or "roll with the changes; adapt & adjust", instead of getting stuck in the pre-programmed, past responses.

I have lots of time & reason to practice, while I'm trying to master this. AND observing too; because how he handles this will show me a lot about him, I haven't known till now. So far, that's a combination of things too. Dark twisted humor (right up my alley); a cheerful persistence and determination to get through it; still caring about others too is what I've seen so far.

There's a whole group of mutual friends on the shared forum we're on, supporting him too - including the moderators; the woman moderator and I have shared phone numbers and keep in touch about his latest "medical adventures". So, one or the other of us, keeps the rest of that community updated when he's not able to do so himself. Known these people quite a long time, just like you all. He has publicly thanked everyone for caring about what's happening to him. (Our personal relationship isn't known publicly there, tho' the moderator I'm friends with has a pretty good idea. For the time being, it just seemed wise to have a boundary there and gives us both autonomy to talk to the others.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 08, 2019, 01:50:47 PM
Brave (((((Amber)))),

I'm not fully understanding the 3-4 year thing until he is free to make his own decisions. I think I have some fuzziness on logistics.

He lives....4 hours away?
He is currently still hospitalized?
He says he couldn't decide about living with you or manifest a 3-D relationship for 4 years because of a military qualification of some kind? Is that about health care access? Access to a VA facility?
You're going to have a 90% online or forum or phone relationship? Is that what YOU want?

Only thing about the relating that pops into my head is to challenge the positivity of the Mama Tiger persona. Might lead you wrong to think of yourself as his all-powerful tiger protector, because he doesn't want that. You ain't his Mama, iow. Sounds like he just wants your friendship and love. As his equal. He may be physically vulnerable but sounds as though he's pretty experienced with both the suffering and the management of his health care. You comfort him because you care, not because you manage.

I HOPE his surgery is over and he's healing and improved. What a nightmare. You are the light at the end of the tunnel for him, and bringing such happiness in this hard chapter.

I know you won't be too sacrificial and that you are going to learn and strengthen with every aspect of this relationship--because you always do. You're leading with love and also checking yourself, which is a loving thing to do. He's a very lucky Buck.

Hugs
Hops

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 09, 2019, 01:17:01 PM
Hopsie, you got most of it spot-on. Yes, Mama Tiger wasn't/isn't needed; it was reflex on my part and he shut it down, as is his perogative. Oopsy on my part. It was handled gently and gracefully by HIM. LOL. Mea culpa.

Yes, surgery is over. BUT, the aftereffects include all kinds of weird things: spinal fluid leaks, accumulation of abdominal serous fluid, a systemic bacterial infection (thanks to either med devices or hospital environment) that manifest in several unpleasant ways. So, some chronic issues to watch for and deal with. Sounds awful, but he does get up and do more than one might imagine - and IMO, more than he should until all this subsides.

In a perfect or sane world, we might could be together permanently or just again, in a year. He still has the daughter to get graduated from HS and a business to close up and so, is very busy this year. The stress of running the business isn't good for him; we've talked about that. But if this active duty recall happens, his rank would obligate him to AS LONG AS 3 years, where ever they want him. It could be less. It's pretty unlikely they're going to evaluate him as fit for duty, but it's still a reality to deal with. Chances are very good, that the original clerical error that happened (when his discharge from service wasn't completed) back years ago, when he was first injured, will finally get cleared up instead of being recalled.

HEY, I could change my mind about this whole thing in 6 months. So what we've tentatively talked about, is a decision in the future - and see how it goes until then. So many things could change between now and then; for him OR me. He is used to being deployed for months/years at a stretch - and relationships under those circumstances. I'm not; this is a brand new reality for me. I had one distance relationship when I was in HS; and it ended terribly. I was 16; first serious relationship (I thought); it wasn't mutual.

I was just as confused about how all this military stuff works as I confused you, Hops.

If we do get a chance to visit before that year's worth of work for him is getting completed (while we're also building the Holly Hut, so I can have my house to myself) we'll make it happen. This isn't a concern for me, that he might just disappear into the night because of some guy thing that sounds like more fun. He found a way to get here and rescue me from the multiple vehicle problems in June. And it's not the first time he'd asked if I needed him to help, either.

He's been there for me, for some time, whether I realized it or not. I'm figuring out how best to be there for him, too. And it's a good thing I am as independent and strong as I am... that works for him.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 10, 2019, 12:18:01 PM
Lordy, Amber.  I don't think it's likely B will be recalled, but whoo boy.... that's a strain to have hanging over your head.

I hope B continues healing, and working towards the future he'll build with you. 

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on August 11, 2019, 06:19:49 AM
They messed up his paperwork twenty years ago and it means they could make him go back to work??!!  My head is spinning at how ridiculous that is.  I very much hope that some common sense prevails and 'someone' fills the right forms out this time around.  Complete madness.

On the subject of Buck being glad that you care, I can identify with that sooooo completely!  It means the absolute world just to know that someone gives a shit, whether or not they can do anything about anything that's going on.  Just someone that's glad to know what you did, even if it's nothing special, and wants to hear your voice, even if you've nothing particularly interesting to say.  Someone who's glad you are just you, without you needing to whip out the bells and whistles and make miracles happen.  Maybe the distance is a good thing, Skep, it gives you a chance to practise just being wanted for who you are, not because you're dealing with fourteen different problems at the same time.  Sounds to me like Buck is very capable of looking after himself and just wanting you because you're you - not because he needs looking after.  That sounds like a good combo to me :)

How is his recovery going now, is he heading in the right direction? xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 12, 2019, 10:10:24 AM
Tupp, the health situation is different every single day. For the most part, it's all moving toward recovery and whatever state of wellness is obtainable. That continues to be my focus, too. Reminding him, that he's doing a lot more and a lot better, than a lot of people. Slowly convincing him this is something valuable and he needs to not jeopardize it by pretending he's 30. But guys.... sigh. It's like you're making them give up the keys to the car, reminding them they're not a spring chicken.

There is something to be said for the distance, Tupp. For one thing, I still have (self-perceived) problems communicating verbally. So writing is our primary form of communication. It's like love letters... and I've been toying with actually writing some. And we have fun too - teasing each other, playing around with our "secret" on the forum - which is going to come out in the end anyway. It is known; LOL. They always do. But there's a bit of security - false though it may be - in not shouting about this, and forcing people to tell us to get a room... LOL. If we DO hit one of those "no making it work" spots, no one's the wiser and it's still private between us. We do talk on the phone and it is good, despite my self-consciousness. So far, the ESP wavelength between us is clear and strong; we haven't had any misunderstandings there.

The "stop struggling" reminder to myself has been super important. To me. It opens up a lot of perceptions for me, about how wonderful this all is... without creating much anxiety over things that don't really matter. He is who he is - and me too - and since that's been settled in the past, it's the basic reality we have to work with. It's also where "who we become" will come from. So this being wide open, non-judgemental, patient and understanding phase gives it the best shot of becoming really strong.

He's about 95% pure male archetype. He does have a soft, nurturing and protective side that he's successfully integrated into his own self. And the amazing thing I'm discovering is how that's starting to free me to relax into my own feminine... without giving up one ounce of strength or autonomy. My mindset has always been to be all things, to the best of my ability. I had no idea how much energy that took and something had to give, ya know?

So, all the stereotypical feminine attributes hit the trashcan. Yeah, I was still empathetic and nurturing, because those essential spots don't change. But I functioned at my best in a man's world; with their stereotypical attributes. And it's quite possibly why I've had such overwhelming conflicts to resolve about myself. I do, at the end of the day, want to keep, express, be, and nurture my feminine too. It's still a big part of who I am. And I am fully capable if not as efficient, at those other things too.

Lots of discovery and growing to still be done. And I think it's going to be mostly fun, because we don't have anything to prove to each other. I don't expect it to be storybook fantasyland... and am watching (but only with one eye) for those things to pop up. Already hit the spot, where Hol - as my designated back watcher was a little concerned - and he has handled that wisely and gracefully.

He made an admission the other night on the forum, that where he was once just right foot, left foot... he now has an important light at the end of the tunnel. The guys were congratulating him. They're all good guys. I mentioned that our little secret is going to come out sooner or later; that's just the way those things happen. And he has his reasons why as I do for keeping the secret just a little longer. He has been letting himself have more fun and interact with the guys a lot more there too. He kept a lot to himself previously. Because he didn't want his misfortunes to become a "thing" with that group of people. The amount of support of each other in that group is impressive. Unlike many forums.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 12, 2019, 12:13:53 PM
Given the degree of injury, suffering, operations, infections and medical miseries you've described, Amber, I simply cannot comprehend that "active duty" would even be in the same universe as Buck. It does not compute that this is even remotely a real threat. Bureaucracy effs up, for sure, but all he'd have to do is take off his clothes and stand in front of an Army doc and hand over medical records... I understand there was a paperwork mistake way back, but an active threat of being classified for active duty? Is that even possible?

Anyway, I like your timeline. Having this next year to focus on your side of the mountain while he also focuses on his, while connecting in whatever way works for you both as best you can, sounds really nice. I bet your forum secret lasts another couple of days!

I don't think you need to focus on "reminding" or "convincing" him of anything. You might try pivoting to I-statements. I feel scared when you overwork. I am working on accepting that aging does change me and I want to feel peaceful about this natural stage. I feel so happy when I think about this chapter of life with you and I want it to last. Stuff like that.

I've done that with M when I gently mention something (busted: that's "reminding" if not "convincing"--sheesh!) like that to him. But it does seem to go down easier when I always hook a worry to WHY with an "I statement" (because I want this chapter to last a long long time).

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 12, 2019, 09:47:28 PM
Ya know, Amber.... when I started dating Bill, we butted heads. 

We butted heads over who'd be the one who gave the most in our relationship. 

When I look back, I realize everyone has their comfort zones, and reasons.

I wonder,  in Buck's situation, what's going through his head. 

As an Alpha,
a man's man,
 a man of action.....
in a newly romantic relationship.....
feeling vulnerable on the best day in hospital.....
what's going through his head, that he doesn't say out loud? 
We all have fears.  I think? 

It might not be easy for him to receive..... right now.  He might have to learn how to get better at it.

Let me ask you this.... how easy is it for you to accept help?

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 13, 2019, 11:42:08 AM
Yes, Hops... I'm doing my best to remember same. Hol has been pointing out how many times I say "we" - referring to herself and I. When she doesn't think I should be speaking for her. It's kind of a tourette's tic I have. I TRY to watch it; and I think when it pops up and becomes this unconscious, it might be connected to how vulnerable I feel.

Lighter, funny you mention that. We both know about ourselves that we're the last people to come out & ask for help. But he IS willing to be open and vulnerable; stating things as simply and honestly as he can. I think we can both receive... it's been going that way lately. But it's very much like cool water after an eternity in the desert. Kinda throws us for a loop because we've existed so long without it. We'd forgotten how wonderful it is.

But I wanted to ask him something that intuitively made me wonder if I was stepping on a landmine. I even asked Hol what she thought of me asking it, before I asked it - it felt to me maybe a boundary issue, at this point in the journey. None of my business, in other words. I asked if he'd been married before. Hol was like, you should've already asked and been answered by now. What are you? 15? LOL. But she didn't know, that I knew, already - it was a sore point he didn't want to think about, much less talk about.

He had mentioned that it had been 17 years since he'd had this kind of relationship. My curiosity chewed on that a couple days and started to drive me crazy. Resorting to dark humor, I asked if there were any jealous ex-wives I needed to worry about. And also reassured him, if he didn't want to talk about it now, that was just fine. I know I'm dealing with a complicated personal/emotional history here and all too often, for the alpha's the emotional stuff is kryptonite.

Ex #1 he married, the year after I was married the first time. He'd been in the service a while; one daughter the year after. Well, he was overseas for long stretches and when he came home to find out she'd been sleeping with the majority of the fleet while he was gone, that ended that. Some years later, he married #2. They were together for 18 years before adopting the D that will graduate next year. A week before they picked her up, she told him she just couldn't stand his scars and didn't feel romantically inclined toward him anymore. She is still peripherally in the picture. Still on his medical plan, and only shows up when she thinks she's going to get money - otherwise wants nothing to do with him. Not interested in the D either, from the description.

And that was why I was asking. There are certain pieces of information about me and my situation currently, that would be like dangling red meat in front of a lioness, if she knew about it. It's not like I don't think he could keep that secret either; but if he doesn't know - he can't slip up and make a mistake. His plan for this year includes cutting the last ties with her that he feels he has an obligation to provide as cleanly as possible. SO... the types of help I might be tempted to offer... need to be carefully considered. Mike was just fine with my income versus his; not all guys are. Buck knows I'm comfortable - as he will be, once he starts receiving his pension after finally completing a formal discharge (hopefully). Even if we don't make this more of a formal relationship. And I blab too much, according to some people. Because I'm still not cynical enough about the evil people do when there is money involved - it's just beyond my comprehension that people can be that way.

I feel I can trust him with that bit of info, but the question - for self-protection and minimizing his complexities to deal with - is when. He is very protective of me. Not possessive; just wants to keep me safe. So maybe I tell him, in general, but no specifics. I shared my history a bit too, with him, and sort of what I've learned as a result. He can read the rest - how/why it didn't work out - from how I say things most times and will ask if he's not sure. Our communication about things like that are already pretty well established and our knowledge of each other too. We already know each other's values pretty well. He's got a real good idea of how deep the pockets are around here, just from what I've been doing the last few years and the projects that are underway. Man pays attention, that's for sure. Remember, he was a confidante before I even saw the current farm.

So maybe I don't need to spell anything out. Just bite my tongue and rein my tendency to overshare in. Wait & see how serious things really do get... and wait & see what I feel like more months from now.

I guess I'm thinking out loud here again. Have I just gone off the deep end again? What say you? (I've already gotten Hol's opinion. Loud & clear.)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 13, 2019, 02:11:56 PM
I got confused about which "secret" you were considering sharing.
--Twiggy's trauma?
--the fact that you have considerable wealth?

I THINK you meant the latter, and agree, no need to spell it out unless/until you two are talking together about specific plans to join your lives, have him move to your mountain, etc. At or before that point, you just need to completely divorce it from notions of masculinity or femininity or ruggedness or power, and just present it in a matter-of-fact way that has no shade of entitlement. Money just what is. A fact. And a lovely one that enables you to enjoy your mountain plans, and would of course also enable you to take care of each other.

On the other hand, when I met M we were both specifically looking for commitment, and I let him know early I wasn't interested in being a "girlfriend" in this chapter, and he said he also saw marriage as the natural outcome. So since that was clear, I told him all about my finances (which fit on a napkin) almost immediately. I also mentioned on the 2nd or 3rd date, when his life stories made clear he had considerable wealth, that it was critical FOR ME that we have a prenup if we ever married. He was startled but appreciated it once I spelled out why (so noone, especially including his children, could ever fear I was in it for the wrong reasons).

I didn't learn the real amount of his assets until about 4 months in (I had just figured, from the family stories, houses in multiple, ambassadors, industrialists, etc). At that point I told him, "I could tell you right now what I'd ask for in a prenup--a bit to fix up my little house, which would be rented--and enough to live in a decent assisted living/continuing care facility so I wouldn't rot in a bad "home." He immediately said, would X be enough? Or Y? Those amounts were so stunning to me there was nothing more to say. It's clear he would take care of me fully. But I will still insist on the document, as we get closer to picking a date.

(It's taken me quite a while to internalize "will be taken care of" without fear of loss of independence, but M has consistently shown he wouldn't use it as malignant power over me. He does use male entitlement in an oblivious/intrusive way at times, but never uses his financial power as any sort of threat, only to enhance our lives together. I don't know how that might change if I were demented or ill, but I have legally protected myself against everything I can through the trust I have, plus the 5 Wishes document. The rest is personality stuff, and if I were too far gone to argue, I'm not sure my assertions of autonomy would be relevant -- or even possible -- then.

Buck is a different person so it might take him longer to absorb the difference in money between you. But it might be good not to fantasize too much Outlander into his psyche. Autonomy and independence are matters of respect more than power (money does equate to power to some degree, but it's all in whether it's weilded and how). I think you respect him so much that you would never even hint that if he accepts some support, that this has anything to do with his pure, core independent nature. And  you're wise to hold off and tread very lightly. (I nearly broke things off with M because he waded in to "help" my D without understanding the sensitivity of the damage and even my ongoing acceptance of No Contact without my existence being acknowledged. For him to start reaching out to her or even vaguely have "a plan" to was an unbearable use of his reflexive entitlement.)

I think it might be good to tell him something that really benefitted me to tell M, if you find it fits. M was batting away my attempts to give him things, treat him occasionally on my own dime, etc. One evening I explained to him that because of my Dad's habit, when he refused to receive, he was actually hurting the giver's feelings. Giving is an opportunity to show gratitude and love, and when he insisted I mustn't give or spend anything on him (which he thought was kind and generous of him) he was actually depriving me of something important: the joy I feel when I can show appreciation. I told him how much that distressed me as a kid, when my self-effacing (to a fault) father would wave away so many of my attempts to show love through a gift or gesture and he'd respond, "No, no, I don't need anything." The moment wasn't about my DAD'S need to be self-effacing, it was about MY need to show love. And my sweet Dad never realized that. Not his fault, just learning.

I'm probably way off track because I find your descriptions of the issues a little bit opaque, but that may just be the positive habit of discretion and respect for everyone's privacy. For which I salute you! But we're anonymous here, and safe.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 13, 2019, 02:47:47 PM
Hops, we need an evening to share a bourbon and stories. LOL. What you wrote is SOOO helpful, while I'm flailing about over this. You advice is HEARD, and I think it's wise too. Simple, too. I'm not sure why I feel all pretzeled up over this. Maybe it's that one-way boundary thing... "here's everything and more you wanted to know about me but I'm not allowed to ask you anything (old taboo) because I don't have a right to ask".

Buck already knows the postage stamp version of Twiggy; if I was going to give him support with his own PTSD quirks... I needed to establish some credibility for sharing things I've learned, whether helpful and relevant to him or not. I can always validate his experience.

I know a good bit about him too... but I've had to ask. He doesn't volunteer information too much, except when he's telling stories. So I guess that's why I was so flustered about asking what could be considered private information outside my "need to know", right now. I don't really need the play by play or recipe for how he became who he is, now do I? I know what I see.

To be fair, he made a point of showing me his scars - precisely to find out if I really meant it, when I said "chicks dig scars" - LOL. Since his ex#2 made that the reason for leaving him, and he's only had way more surgeries since then - he wanted to see my reaction face to face. He only told me that today.

Surprise! I've seen way worse things in my day and they don't get in the way one bit.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 13, 2019, 07:40:21 PM
Amber:

I think your man has his plate about full right now. 

Maybe save some of the finer details for happy surprises later on.

You don't have to spill everything, all at once.  You're entitled to have your stuff, and he's entitled to have his... sounds like he's in a mood to hang on to some of his details for a bit.  I get that, particularly bc he's struggling, and maybe suffering too.  My ex's and history, the romantic dark stuff, would be the last stuff I'd want to talk about.

As you say, you guys know enough about each other, in all ways, that you've cleared yourselves for next level stuff. 

Just enjoy that knowledge, and slow down..... you don't have to out yourself, or all your secrets, or information...  however you want to think of it.  He doesn't need it to know how he feels about YOU.  You're enough, and you're fine the way you are, sans history, IMO.... for him.

I think he's looking forward to being enough for you, as he is. 

Some of this opinion might be the "living in the moment" stuff coming up for me.  The past really is the past... gone, nonexistent.  All we have is this moment, and it sounds like Buck, coming close to death, might understand that intuitively... deeply.... and be more rooted in the NOW. 

Or not.

Everything's OK, Amber. 

Lighter



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 14, 2019, 01:39:13 PM
Seems as though I've been making a total muddle, trying to talk about things lately. I'm not getting my point (and what point would that be A?) across clearly. Time to let things settle some more until I know what I'm trying to say, I guess.

I did talk to Buck; and all is well there. Somehow he can understand my muddle and restate it back to me simpler and clearly getting my meaning. The anxiety over all that whole question thing and why I felt I needed to know... this all seems like a holdover from my past experience but I can't pinpoint what it was exactly. All I know is having the conversation - sans specifics - completely relaxed me around the topic and so I'm moving on, feeling better about my understanding of boundaries and what I can and can't ask.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 14, 2019, 05:12:03 PM
I don't quite understand, but that's OK.

I'm glad you feel good about whatever discussion you had with Buck over whatever it was you needed to talk about.

You deserve to feel at ease.  You deserve answers to questions you feel are important to your life.

You're also fine just as you are.  Without stating everything about yourself, and clarifying it for Buck.   

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on August 18, 2019, 01:29:30 AM
Seems as though I've been making a total muddle, trying to talk about things lately. I'm not getting my point (and what point would that be A?) across clearly. Time to let things settle some more until I know what I'm trying to say, I guess.

I did talk to Buck; and all is well there. Somehow he can understand my muddle and restate it back to me simpler and clearly getting my meaning. The anxiety over all that whole question thing and why I felt I needed to know... this all seems like a holdover from my past experience but I can't pinpoint what it was exactly. All I know is having the conversation - sans specifics - completely relaxed me around the topic and so I'm moving on, feeling better about my understanding of boundaries and what I can and can't ask.

I think getting to know people is hard work, Skep.  There's all the back and forth, sharing bits, how do they react, how do you react, when should you say, do you need to, is x a deal breaker for you, is y a deal breaker for them.  Phew!  It's a wonder any of us ever get close to anyone else!  It sounds like you and Buck are making good progress.  It's good, in one of those weird ways, that you've both had bad experiences that have had a lasting effect - it just means you can 'get' where the other one is coming from and understand it.  I think it's so important to have someone who gets what you're saying without you having to spell every detail out, every time.  Really important.  I'm glad the two of you are getting to know one another.  It's nice that he's told people he can see a light at the end of the tunnel :)  And love letters!  Aw.  Best thing ever :) xx xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 18, 2019, 09:24:25 AM
Thanks Tupp, I should know by now, that communicating from within intense emotion isn't exactly "ideal conditions" for understanding. LOL. Sorry for the confusions, y'all.

What I see now, is that Buck & I are in the process of developing our own private language. I can recognize it, because Hol & I have one too. It seems to be a part of that shared intimacy & trust space and I dunno, if that's just peculiar to me or if other people experience it too. Seems the participants in my space do. So, for me to try communicating to you all from within that space... leaves a lot to be desired for you... since I skipped a lot; assumed you knew a lot more than was the case; and saw things through my eyes.

That space of intimacy is growing fast; this isn't "dating". This is deciding, each of us, that this is a relationship we want and are committed to. Full on green light - WITH the escape clause still intact for both of us. For the space of a year. Yeah, that's unusual. And I thought Mike was a fast situation, so it's not like I don't have some prior experience here. It's really pretty strange how quickly I can recognize another human who is very much compatible with me; or that I instantly develop a bond with. Buck takes the record, at within 6 hours. LOL, he said as much to me, too. Eating lunch on Saturday was his litmus test. He isn't comfortable eating with a lot of people. I forgot to even watch for that in myself; I do that too sometimes.

Yes, it's helpful that we already knew so much about each other. But there is also that vast body of small things, some very important, some not at all... that are being learned, sort of "out of order". We both seem to be able to do that without a lot of discomfort.

Now, re: his health and physical condition. While the surgeries are major and the infection is likely permanent, at this point (it can be controlled; maintained at a low level which doesn't impact people with healthy immune systems around him) - this guy can still go work 12-14 days doing hard manual labor. It's harder to get him to slow down & take it easy enough to give his body a chance to heal. So the "terminal" aspect of it HAS cropped up, but it's definitely not as big a deal as the docs scared him into believing. In that respect, we're all terminal, right? He fusses over the things that get in his way of being the best he can possibly be, physically; doing what he knows he could do... if all the medical stuff would get calibrated and finished up in a timely fashion - without people goofing up, not caring as much as he does, or unforeseen consequences of everything to date and catch-22s that keep him in limbo. He has way more strength & stamina than I do. To say nothing of patience with the constant delays and foul-ups.

So, it's not like he needs a nurse; and he sure doesn't need a mommy (phew!). I'm slowly but surely figuring it out that he needs a best friend to just always be looking out for him, as much as he's looking out for others. That's not to say, that he's a pushover and is easily taken advantage of, either. He's not; and he's not someone people should try do that to. They'll end up learning an important life lesson.

He does withdraw sometimes; which is something I empathize with. He withdraws to deal with anger; and the past. But if I give him that space... then he can talk about it. Which is something I don't think he's had a lot of in his life; someone to just listen and let him BE. And not try to change him or judge him or run away from him, shrieking in terror & accusation. He is a big teddy bear; not a scary monster. But even teddy bears get angry and hurt.

He's super funny, but never in a mean way - it's always gentle. And he oozes kindness for all things wounded that aren't able to protect themselves.

We're also starting to develop those daily rituals/routines even despite the distance; go figure. And it in no way is detracting from the romantic & passionate stuff of a brand-new connection either. So.... it's all good here. I can't believe how damn lucky I am; still kinda pinching myself.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on August 18, 2019, 09:40:48 AM
I think allowing people to deal with their feelings and emotions in their own way is so important, Skep, rather than having that rule book of x situation requiring y solution.  Particularly as we get older - we all learn how we cope best with tough feelings and emotions and there's a lot to be said for processing, dealing with it and talking about it afterwards, rather than vomiting up every minute of every situation each time.  I would guess he's been dealing with a lot on his own for a long time?  It must be nice for him to have someone around who gets it and is happy/willing to let him deal with things in his own way and just come back when he's on an even keel again.

I'm glad his health problems are manageable.  We are all terminal, aren't we?  I sometimes wonder what we'd do differently if we knew our departure date :)  I suspect knowing it was imminent would make a lot of us change certain things around. xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 18, 2019, 01:04:40 PM
About listening....

DD17 and I are having some hiccups... normal stuff, but I'm shifting into implementing more boundaries, have to, and bc I'm learning more about DOING it.

This morning DD said she was having a difficult time discussing things with me... her FEELINGS, in partiular.  Earlier I told her how it FELT inside my chest, out to my shoulders, to be living with her recent foray into underage drinking, and circustances around that incident. 

I asked her what it felt like in her body.  Where was it?  She pointed to the same places I'd pointed to earlier, so not sure she actually felt it, but I'm teaching her to pay attention, and give it attention now.  To speak about it, by speaking about my feelings, where it shows up for me. 

She's right.  I didn't teach her how to do that.  We're both learning, and I guess I'm pointing out there's different ways of listening, repeating back what we've heard, so the speaker feels truly understood, or can clarify. 
 
In T, this has been an amazing tool with regard to communcation, understanding, and bringing clarity to both parties.  Only suggesting to consider how that might worth with Buck when he's talking about his "feelings."  Feelings aren't just in the mind.  They're in the body, and bringing attention to them can open doors we didn't know were there, IME.

I'm part excited for you, and aprehensive, Amber.  Not bc I don't trust, you, or Buck.  I think bc I don't understand the health issues.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 18, 2019, 01:20:28 PM
Right you are, Tupp.

He is very used to managing everything on his own after 17 years. And I'm used to managing everything for everyone else. LOL. That's MY problem to deal with... LOL. I don't have to chase him around making sure of anything.

Talk about putting a rapid halt to my "needing to be needed" reflex. :choke: Ego is gonna have to eat that one, for sure. And let it go. I keep telling myself it's good for me. Like broccoli and salads.

And realize what I've wanted all along, is for someone to come along and actually WANT to take care of me, sometimes, too. Like I could stop him......... LOL!!!

I keep thinking about your reciprocal relationship thread title, in light of all I'm learning about Buck. What I'm observing with Holly and Steve (she shares some of my same characteristics whether she'll admit it or not; we do discuss it). I have to confess I've spent a LOT of time on detours never even getting to that state of give & take. My good friends are few; my sorta good friends - who do make an effort when I let them (it's not their fault) - is a bigger group. I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but we're close enough we do understand each other pretty well. We do check in with each other. And then there's Buck; sorta in a class all by himself.

It's like he anticipates me realizing what I need and is right there; right then; when I realize it. I'm not used to anyone being that intuitive OR that ready to give, being there for me. All he needs from me, is to be able to take care of myself while he does other things he has to; wants to do. And not disappear on him. That's a tougher assignment some days than it sounds like; I still find my Self to be high maintenance for me.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on August 18, 2019, 01:38:46 PM
Right you are, Tupp.

He is very used to managing everything on his own after 17 years. And I'm used to managing everything for everyone else. LOL. That's MY problem to deal with... LOL. I don't have to chase him around making sure of anything.

Talk about putting a rapid halt to my "needing to be needed" reflex. :choke: Ego is gonna have to eat that one, for sure. And let it go. I keep telling myself it's good for me. Like broccoli and salads.

And realize what I've wanted all along, is for someone to come along and actually WANT to take care of me, sometimes, too. Like I could stop him......... LOL!!!

I keep thinking about your reciprocal relationship thread title, in light of all I'm learning about Buck. What I'm observing with Holly and Steve (she shares some of my same characteristics whether she'll admit it or not; we do discuss it). I have to confess I've spent a LOT of time on detours never even getting to that state of give & take. My good friends are few; my sorta good friends - who do make an effort when I let them (it's not their fault) - is a bigger group. I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but we're close enough we do understand each other pretty well. We do check in with each other. And then there's Buck; sorta in a class all by himself.

It's like he anticipates me realizing what I need and is right there; right then; when I realize it. I'm not used to anyone being that intuitive OR that ready to give, being there for me. All he needs from me, is to be able to take care of myself while he does other things he has to; wants to do. And not disappear on him. That's a tougher assignment some days than it sounds like; I still find my Self to be high maintenance for me.

He sounds like a good anchor for you, Skep :)  He can stop your kite from flying away too high when necessary :)

I think he does 'need' you, but he just needs you - he doesn't need you to do anything other than just be you.  And I think that can be hard to understand when we're used to having to be needed and running around after people all the time.  And I think it's where I'm at now in all of my relationships - I want people to want me just because they want me, not because I do them favours or I'm available when they've nothing else to do or because I'm a good listener or can give them advice.  Just wanting me whether I'm in a good mood or bad, busy or not busy, available or not available.  I think I feel that quite keenly now so it's great that you and Buck have that intuition and that connection, especially as you're not able to spend much time together at the minute.  I think it all sounds grand :) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 21, 2019, 11:06:13 AM
Time flies when you've decided to share life together. Another layer deeper, more intimate - even if at a distance. I'll say one thing, he's not shy or closed off with me. He trusts me and I don't have to over-compensate proving myself.

And I'm DEEPLY appreciative of how much practice I've gotten communicating with you all, over the years; how much we've learned together. Those lessons and the topics we've covered over the years, helped me build the confidence in myself I needed to JUST BE THERE for him, in a way that people are when they have this kind of deep connection and shared experiences. That was what he needed to reclaim his own confidence, after this stressful few years of life-changes for him.

Still a big work in progress and I freak myself out sometimes being TOO sensitive or analytical, but all of those incidents have been tiny and all part of the "getting to know" process - not major transgressions, just accidentally stepping on toes. They seem huge to me, when they happen - because of past experience and I'm still self-conscious about it. He's barely noticed; LOL. He's really been overwhelmed with an "all at once" piling on of major life stressors... and doing the beating himself up part, because he just found what his limit for dealing with all that was. I was able to show him, that's not a functional way forward... and that he's not doing it all by himself anymore. I'm "there" when he needs me. WE (intentional use this time) are sorting it out together.

The back & forth; give & take of actual support for each other is still astounding me and magical. And the whole thing is getting very very (sometimes scary) real. I managed to run a background check on him last night while waiting for him to call. Nothing, nada, zip. Clean as a whistle. Just for insurance and to shut up that part of my brain that worries over what I haven't done and wants to tell me I'm a blind, idiotic fool and should be trying to slow this down. What a party-pooper!

This heatwave - we're promised - will finally be over on Friday. The Holly Hut is stuck in bureaucratic processes - waiting on permits, prerequisite to obtaining the building permit, signing the contract, making the deposit, and finalizing the construction plan. Only a few things have been getting actually done around here - I've had my legal/financial hat for awhile. I'll put my business hat on one day this week... and then I'm ready to get back at it this weekend.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Garbanzo on August 21, 2019, 02:59:55 PM
Agreed the board is probably helpful in ways we don't expect.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 25, 2019, 08:10:38 AM
Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.

"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."

And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.

Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.

I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.

All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.

Breathing... regrouping... centering.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 26, 2019, 01:53:01 AM
Bravo, Amber. You sound calmer. Bravoooooo.

I was thinking back to Mama Tiger and realized that one thing I work on perpetually with M is that in his zeal to be a good Protector, he inadvertently irritates the heck out of me at times. I know the intention is kind, but it simultaneously is just a throwback to his intimidating grandmother's insistence that he always be 'strong and formal' (Spanish). He internalized it too much and with a woman, it comes out in kind of frantic courtesies, especially when we're out.

One day my ass will hit the sidewalk when he's suddenly jamming a chair under me. I've just managed my own body for too long now to revert to delicate porcelain positioning in order to make room for his hyper-gentlemanly reflexive leaping for door handles, hand at back gratuitous steering, his nearly stumbling around to figure out who's in charge of the walking pace, on and ON.... He needs to pay attention to putting his OWN feet down one at a time and stop being so dang vigilant about mine! We eventually find our pace but I can rarely hold hands with him, it's a spastic thing we're so out of sync it's funny. (But a couple pals have told me we're "adorable" together, snicker...)

Silly problem and not a big one, but that's how overprotectiveness can backfire. Irritating to deeply independent souls such as meself.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 26, 2019, 06:44:31 AM
LOL. It was a close call Hops. I was about to start trampling boundaries willy-nilly; including my own.
Couple deeper things associated; maybe explaining my susceptibility.

That's how I become aware of just how intense my need is, for that level of connection, despite the really good "stiff upper lip" acting job sans a man in the picture. (Lots of practice there.) Yeah, that's a mess I need to organize better.

The other thing is the toll having Hol & Steve here - and the 2 dogs, 3 kittens, etc - the toll this takes on me and the absolute control I need (still) over my solitude and how I spend that time; and processing peacefully. Bless 'em, they're delightful and helpful - but I honestly don't need the "herding" of me in any particular direction that Hol is given to.

I'll be begging contractor to give me a start date on the Hut construction today, I think. LOL. I need my own space THAT much. So far it hasn't gotten to irritation or resentment; and there is sensitivity to "how mom likes things"... this is pretty much the best this kind of situation can be in reality; I just need to have my own space. So much so, that I had a brilliant idea for our day-dreaming about a week at the beach a couple months from now. Instead of sharing a house, I'll rent 2 small cottages. Instant privacy!! Even if Buck can't make it that week, I think I will benefit from that "downtime".

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 26, 2019, 11:40:57 AM
Oh yes, beach.
And take your art supplies!

Sometimes when I'm swamped with need I can get away with asking myself:
Is this a need or a want? And having a very uncomfortable thought: Just because my feeling is THIS BIG doesn't mean it's a need, rather than a VERY BIG WANT. Hmmmmm. In a way, liberating it to be a want was better. Making it a need inside made me feel frantic without it. A huge want, fulfilled or not, sparks creativity.

To my disappointment (for many years) the intensity of my craving for love and a mate had nothing to do with its resolution. That seemed like a random bit o' luck (except that I had helped by putting myself "out there" again).

And, being open to the possibility of good things happening.

Buck is a good thing for you.
You are a good thing for Buck.

You won't break it.

Big hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 26, 2019, 02:34:49 PM
Well, you are right Hops.

I explained what I'd done to myself - talking myself into fantasyland - this morning. And he's taking it all in stride, laughing about it, no big deal. But I think I also detect a bit of being pleased that I was so motivated too. LOL. Flattered even.

I keep telling him he's cute, and he thinks I need a new optometrist. He can think of lots of words to describe himself, but "cute" ain't one of them! LOL. I told him I'd save it for special occasions.

He just rolls with the crazy stuff I go through. There are no - count 'em zip - repercussions, interrogations or recriminations and he just keeps on being sweetness and laughing at the strange stuff humans put themselves through.

I think I'm going to relax now.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 29, 2019, 09:29:34 AM
I am relaxing now. Buck is going through some crazy times, but I'm minding my boundaries pretty well and he's pointing out ones he maintains ahead of time. That's working out pretty good; lets me make my suggestions about how to make things better; what I see; without that "I expect you to follow my advice and make it so" control crap.

Mentally, I seem to be in a pretty radical idea-space. Old "rules" which are no longer relevant or applicable are getting chucked into the trash; I'm making up new ones on a daily basis as we go along - in all my relationships. Emotionally, some deep stuff has been stirred up - on the sub and un conscious level. I'm just watching that because it's all fuzzy and vague; no idea what it is so no point in worrying about it. Just paying attention to see if anything useful shows up.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 29, 2019, 01:38:05 PM
Somebody should write a freaking hymn to boundaries,
because ultimately they are so beautiful.

Often doesn't FEEL that way, but in that they allow own-feet-standing,
growth without dependency, etc etc -- they're good.

Nobody, I mean nobody, always gets them right, however.
And the biggest boundary of all needs to be respect and affection
for the self. An integrated feeling of "I am home here." In my own
company.

I'm working on it a lot, lately. Very unproductive in my own single
space, distracted from "own life" stuff by relationship. Not terrible
but a lot of growing to do.

I think you're amazing, Amber, and I can imagine how challenging
(as well as joyful) it is to be loving someone again. I have great
confidence in you, and hearing you calm the analytics and tune in
more to your well being...that is lovely.

Big hugs,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on August 30, 2019, 09:12:38 AM
Well, Hops, there's also some serious work going on too; I think with both of us. The "together" part seems to be catalyzing it.

Some of the events in his life, are stirring up old emotional issues for me. I know they're emotional, because every time I try to talk about them, my mouth or fingers malfunction.... I can't go there; get tongue-tied. I can't unhide the stuff that I want to forget was real once upon a time. A lot of it is subconscious; I'm dreaming my butt off. But at least I'm not trying to tap-dance it away anymore. Think I did uncover the first layer of the archeological dig last night. I'm having to struggle with the old reflexes to either scare him off or try to protect him from the yuck I know... so I don't trigger his yuck. He's being patient and kind, and understanding! while I try to unearth this old wound and put it into actual words that communicate what I mean to say. He intuitively senses what I'm dealing with - but isn't pre-empting me or trying to speak for me. That's different.

I know he's very very determined and clear about handling things in his life differently than he has in the past; so I think we're both learning together. I haven't been able to find a comparison in my past to the level of vulnerability and honesty each of us is trying to establish as we talk about our lives or who we are. So it's uncharted territory - and hence, why I'm trying to mind those Ps and Qs about my boundaries... and his. But throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change. Still awkward as a newborn calf about speaking about it... but I suspect that's the old taboo of being seen not heard, clinging by it's fingernails, for the last shreds of that internalized control over me. The Voicelessness.

See? I think the speaking thing is getting relaxed already. I guess I'll know, if I've confused you all again, LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on August 30, 2019, 01:39:21 PM
Quote
throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change

Beautiful. Sounds like there's UL happening! (Unconditional love.) I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it takes someone like Buck to create that feeling.

At some point you will be past the very-intense-analyzing-narrating part and it'll be Just Talking. But you did have a huge trauma, and it's okay and right to share it. You do not have to re-live it to tell him about it. A veteran can make space for it in some ways maybe better than other men.

Just tickled pink that you and Buck are connecting not just deeply, but securely. Depth ain't everything. Security, kindness, and NON-abusiveness are most of it.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on August 30, 2019, 05:39:39 PM
Amber:

Taking stock of everything.... our habits.... all the patterns we haven't questioned is a heroic feat.  We take it on, perhaps dreading it, and lean in, trusting we'll feel better, get stronger, find more resilience, and certainly deepen intimacy with ourselves, and those who share our journey. 

From here it seems like digging upwards, falling upwards, working hard in ways our brains don't want to work, but gutting through... like moving buckets of dirt around, in our brains, and clearing out old clutter.  Gutting through to clarify, edit, and replace, even when we're exhausted, and sick of doing it.  It makes me tired just to think about it.   

Hops could say that better 100 different ways, but I think you're very brave, Amber.  Buck's a very lucky man. 

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on September 02, 2019, 03:32:52 AM
Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.

"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."

And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.

Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.

I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.

All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.

Breathing... regrouping... centering.

Skep, I really understand that tendency to write the script.  I do it all the bloody time and it causes no end of problems.  With me, it's very much linked to anxiety and having to micro-manage every situation - learnt at a young age due to the rows and flare ups at home.  If I kept everyone happy, saw the problems before they happened, anticipated everything and smoothed everything over for everyone, then it was okay.  Don't need to do it so much now, but they are hard scripts to unlearn.  I find that practise of just observing, not over thinking, not planning and running through each scenario soooooooo difficult to do.  So I think it's great that you noticed it and pulled the brakes on a bit and that Buck has got his own boundaries neatly lined up.  I think this all sounds lovely :) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 05, 2019, 09:04:50 AM
ohhhhh MY. Someone slow down the life clock of experiences, please. I want a chance to savor a few things.

Feels like weeks since I've updated. And here it's only 3 days. No, I'm not really dizzy-i-fied, either. Feet are in the dirt. Head and heart might NOT be ALL the time... LOL... but I re-center pretty quickly.

Around the farm:

Septic, well permits are in to contractor, so he can apply for building permit for Holly Hut; the rest of the trees are cleared at the site. Contract & deposit are done also; so in a couple of weeks, we should hear about what the schedule will be. Contract & deposit are in to well driller, also. Fence starts to go up around pond/coop field next week. Former House guest has been working a couple days a month, helping out around here for some extra fundage - and that's working out really well for both of us. Gives him a break from his tiny spartan quarters and work routine.

I'm just waiting on hurricane to pass and see what's what, then I'm going to reserve a tiny cottage at the beach and hope to entice Buck to join me. Hol & Steve will probably hold down the fort here, this time. And that REALLY puts a big smile on my face. Not that they wouldn't be fun to have around too.

Most of my legal/financial stuff is complete or well in progress.

Worked out a money matters misunderstanding with Buck yesterday and the day before. The disparity in our circumstances currently makes it a touchy subject. But it's finally cleared up; no one's feelings were hurt; no egos were annihilated in the process. It went WELL. Our connection intuitively, helps. There is a higher level of trust between us at this point than I think I've ever seen, even after being married some time. That's just one of the amazing things.

Yesterday, last night, early this morning... I've kind of kept him occupied as Dorian sauntered into his vicinity. His prep work was all done and he even rescued a few kitties and a Harley from the water. So we let imaginations fly and play - what if scenarios - about things we have in common. And told stories to each other. Now we kinda wonder why we didn't run into each other 20 years ago; LOL. Lots of "please don't change" requests going back & forth.

And lots of relaxing going on.

I even dreamed about Hops' new house and all the different rooms, all done and decorated differently, and I was letting ALL her pooches (she added some) out to adorable different gardens from different parts of the house.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on September 05, 2019, 09:40:58 AM
Oh Skep, this all sounds really amazing!  It's so lovely to read that things are skipping along in a nice way and that you and Buck are getting along so well.  And maybe a nice little beach holiday as well - how amazing would that be!  I'm looking forward to hearing more :) xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 05, 2019, 09:57:13 AM
Well, you seem to be doing the ground work on this relationship, Amber.  You'll build something, and it's interesting that you're engaging in what if scenarios... to me. 

I don't understand why, at this stage in life, you guys aren't setting a tentative date for X, Y and Z to happen.  That's MY stuff coming up, and it's not necessarily the way anything in any relationship should go. Just relating a little niggling feeling in the back of my brain that pops up.  How it feels to read that, when I know know know there are multitudes of possibilities, and savoring, exploring, and considering is part of the journey.   I think it's great that you're doing that, now that I have a moment to think about it.  I think it's wise, and pragmatic, and spot on, yup yup yup.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 05, 2019, 02:28:00 PM
Aww, Amber, I'm very touched that you were subconsciously working on my dream as well! Huge hug for that, girl.

And you sound GREAT. I'm glad things feel good. As to timing, in our 8th month, I'm still seeing that his urgency/rush/get 'er done belongs to him, not me. More over on Relationship about that.

What big steps on the mountain, too! Just extraordinary. I'm glad you two may get away to some non-worksite, non-project space together soon. That sounds like EXACTLY the ticket.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 05, 2019, 03:33:02 PM
Hugs back Hops... and all.

Lighter - life obligations mean we can't yet start setting that timetable. We do talk about what MIGHT go on it, however. And it's fabulous (to me at least) that he has his own ideas about those kinds of what-ifs. I've done enough of my share of the heavy lifting in relationships; time for some share & share alike, while I do keep working on my boundaries.

We both have reasons from the past, why it seems wise to postpone making an actual decision for a year. Those reasons are all over the map, too. That was his boundary, this time. And it mostly has to do with his D. So I can learn to manage my impatience during this time, huh? I should be able to understand and accept and work with that parameter... given what I do feel. And right there, is my chance to savor things, actually.

We both have to have time to process that the chemistry between us is different than what we've experienced previously too. Despite some just general similarities; inherent in guys & gals. Which can trigger either one of us... if we're tired or overwhelmed in that moment. We have time to process; talk it out; and move on. It's also allowing a lot of emotional awareness to become fully conscious, too. And we can each look & ponder that and talk about that too. He's pretty good talking about what he feels, from where I sit (often in tongue-tied, non verbal agony - LOL).

Meanwhile, we're helping each other sort out normal life stuff, too.

Yeah, it's pretty spectacular.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 06, 2019, 05:00:16 PM
Oh, the anticipation!  My Lord, in this age of immediate self-gratification, I'm impressed with the willpower it takes to slow down, look at time tables, and honor his dd, bc she's important to him. 

I'm thinking you're a very lucky woman, Amber.  I think he'll care for all the people he loves with as much care.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 07, 2019, 09:10:52 AM
I think the year is a wise and caring interval, for all of you.

Sometimes one of the most loving things is to slow it all down a step, so the pace doesn't take over and sweep us into logs and stuff.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 12, 2019, 08:18:35 AM
Well, yes, I'm finding out a LOT about Buck as we share in life's logs and other obstacles that make that decision very wise.

Holly made a stupid decision Saturday night and got caught. Around midnight, I get a terse text: "I need help". A few minutes later: "Pontiac's stuck in ditch". And despite my repeated responses of "where are you?" even after I'd gotten dressed... I heard nothing for awhile, then the last thing was: "cops are here". So I still had no idea where she was. And I heard nothing from her after that.

Needless to say I was wide awake and in panic mode. Fortunately Buck is a night owl. He got me settled down and thinking again, and to my dismay, I found her when I finally called the VA county sheriff around 4 am. I knew she'd gone into the town over the mountain, to visit friends. This is HER problem; not mine - especially when she'd explicitly promised she wouldn't do this right before she left but I'm a mom, I have my own feelings about when my kids do something stupid, dangerous, and at her age - rediculous. Especially with her persona about being so capable and so "there" for the people she cares about. I picked up the next morning. The "fallout" is all on her.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I realized - I hadn't gotten a tirade about what she'd done, from Buck. No fix it advice, no "you shoulda, coulda", none of that. I didn't even know I was bracing myself for it. Every single one of my ex's tirades are engraved on my memory, though. But he was there for ME, 100%. We even giggled along about 5 am, about all the awful things parents fantasize about punishments for their kids. We were definitely punchy about then.

And that has continued. He has offered some ideas/suggestions about handling things from here on out. When I mentioned how AMAZING that is to me, he said it's not his way to add to the misery; he treats people, particularly ones he's close to, the way he wants to be treated. (People in general often disappoint him as a result.) He's even given me space - which I needed for sleep and just wrapping my head around how this one action of hers is going to impact everything/everyone else around here.

Likewise, he has things like that going on. He has a 17 yr old daughter. And he's let me help him, too. No male ego "I got this" crap. Even when I explained dealing with Holly's reaction - beating herself up in the worst way and also blaming me, while bargaining with the universe for a get out jail free card - in the aftermath of the hurricane, his own situation with his D, and just general uphill life struggles...

he didn't somehow make it my responsibility or fault. When I said I would understand if he didn't want to step into my life crap... he came back immediately, with "I'm not going anywhere. This isn't anything big, compared to what I've been through." Which I know for a fact, from being at least close friend to him for years.

I am absolutely gobsmacked. Floored. He's not just really there for me; has my back - he's not in the habit of making things harder with the usual stuff people do to others, especially those they're closest to - this is a level of intimacy that's brand-spankin' new for me.

SOLD.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Twoapenny on September 12, 2019, 08:39:33 AM
Aw, Skep, this is so lovely to read!  And isn't it amazing how something relatively small can be the thing that makes you realise how amazing someone is?  He's confident you're got this and is happy to just be there and let everything unfold as it needs to.  He sounds perfect!  No drama, no crisis management, no hidden messages to decipher.  Just simple, straightforward respect, trust and companionship.  How amazing.  xx
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 13, 2019, 12:44:59 AM
Aww, Amber. This is wonderful.
SO good to hear you being treated lovingly and supportively and respectfully...exactly what you deserve, dear.

Bravo Buck and bravo, YOU.

I'm really sorry about Hol's stupid choice. Not that you need to say, but I'm guessing DUI. When I think about the times when, young, I risked that and lucked out....

What a shame. And what a learning opportunity. I'm sorry she took it out on you. If anything doesn't belong to you, there's a fine example. Hang strong.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 13, 2019, 06:52:36 AM
Maybe it's just me, but 41 doesn't sound "young" anymore.  :shrugs:
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 13, 2019, 09:28:21 PM
Good news, Amber. Your man is steady, and not prone to hysteria, woo hoo!

It did make me sad to read you expected to be blamed....old pathways rearing their ugly heads, no doubt.

Dance, and bask in the comfort of sane, rational adult companionship, my dear.

You so deserve it.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 14, 2019, 09:16:38 AM
Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual".

Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that.

TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth.

Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services.

And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos. There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more.

He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater.

More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc.

Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 14, 2019, 01:11:12 PM
((((((Amber)))))))

This all sounds so painful and overwhelming, with Buck as the beacon. I'm so very glad he's in your life now.

Question: Does H have her own therapist?

I hope peace creeps in through all the stress cracks you're coping with.

Big hug,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 14, 2019, 02:00:28 PM
Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual".  How's that space feeling about now, Amber?

Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that. I wonder how that shift will show up for you.   I think your brain can make that jump in a second when it's ready.

TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth.  So sorry about that.  This too shall pass.

Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services.  I'm sure you and Hol will be a huge support. 

And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos.  You loved Mike very much, and he was a huge part of your life.  Things come off in layers, so ya..... echoes.  There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more.  Maybe he needs to get that out, up front, so you know what you're getting into.... before you jump?  Not that he knows what's coming, or could know.  Have you ever felt like you just need to cover all the bad things, about yourself, so you don't feel you've duped someone or tricked them?  I think we all feel that way at times.   I'm guessing he'll get it off his chest, you'll reassure him, and it will pass.  One thing's clear, he needs to talk about it.

He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater. There's no clearer water than in the Bahamas.   

More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc.  My oldest dd learned through relationship with good Ts.  Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly? 

Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity. There's plenty of codependence videos on Youtube, with all sorts of views, to supplement books.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 14, 2019, 11:38:36 PM
Quote
Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly?

Sorry I didn't spot this, Amber, so asked you a dumb question. I was rushing to be somewhere but didn't mean to give your post short shrift...

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 15, 2019, 07:18:30 AM
Apparently co-dependence is a very bad word and she's NOT, she'll have ya know. LOL. But as we've tried to talk further, she's able to say/see that she's experiencing abandonment issues with the boyfriend. To the extent she questions whether she's important as a human being or not.

Mind you, she's only experiencing this emotionally. Intellectually, she knows none of that is true.

I need to process this. Anything I say, do to try to understand or comfort her or even my silence... is seen as "making it all about myself" (yeah, scratching my head about that) and she's obviously distressed - but don't go near her, don't touch her, and whatever you do you must withstand the torrent of upset, angry, hurt energy she's giving off.

We are getting to some good communication but I feel like I need a flameproof suit. Pretty sure the accusations being levelled at me aren't personally ABOUT ME. She even said that, right before jumping into another tirade. It's like I'm standing in for whomever is the problem here. I'm trying to talk about this in short snippets with her; not one long linear - but circular - discussion. But I'm going to need some safe topics to talk about in between; it's like she's on the verge of seeing it but it still terrifies her. So she needs the distraction of banal conversation (until that's rejected).

This is pretty HARD. But it's something she and I have gotten close to before. Obviously, I'm trying to just hang in there with her and let her "drive". In the process, I see some very strange ideas that concern me - but at this point are probably irrelevant out of context. I let her yell last night; we're way back up in the hollar - I don't think she could be heard as loud as she is. That would at least use up some energy - LOL.

There is grief which she isn't letting herself feel. She feels so badly for her girlfriend, it's like she won't allow herself to have any grief - even though she worked with B for years and even dated him. And I think she equates grieving with weakness; self-pity that kind of thing. I was able to suggest that her protectiveness of the girlfriend's feelings is perhaps a bit of "over-responsibility". She didn't respond but I know she heard me. She'll think about that.

She's really angry at herself about the DUI. We were talking a bit about the future work after losing their crew chief - and she said she could work in Richmond, except for the driving thing now gets in the way.

Work would HELP her right now; structured, exhausting, 14 hr days of work, 5 days a week. It would let her expend her energy productively while giving her cognitive brain a rest from what she's struggling with. AHA... yes, there is a pattern. Whenever she's had extended unstructured free time, she revisits all this that's her "poison arrow" problem to solve. Whatever it is. (And no, I'm not "making it all about me" by referencing one of my experiences... LOL.)

On a superficial level, these interactions are pretty abusive. But that's just NOT who she is. I'm protecting myself. It wouldn't just appear out of nowhere either. Stress or no. And she's regularly apologizing, when she gets her head above the storm she's experiencing. I hope we can get this sorted out. For her sake... and my blood pressure... LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 15, 2019, 09:37:57 AM
Oh, Amber. Careful.

I am heartbroken to hear H will scream at and blame you that way.
I do NOT want you living with that possibility when something in her life goes awry.

You love her more than anything but please don't give up your serenity to this.

I think emergency T-sessions, because this is not okay.

Much love and concern,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 15, 2019, 11:57:59 AM
Amber:

I would consider withdrawing with love until Hol can speak to you without yelling, name calling, blaming, or changing the subject until one topics done.

You don't have to engage when she's unable to remain calm.  Eventually, she'll learn she has to be respectful, and observe certain rules in order to engage you.

This is a great lesson for communicating with everyone in her life, IMO.

And about the codependence... .everyone has some of that.  It's a human thing. I was asked what I thought about being codependent, and I said I always thought it was for the parents, and partners of addicts.

It's not.  It's for everyone, and we can all learn something about ourselves that creates more resilience, and awareness. 

I'd ask Hol what she thinks codependence is.  Maybe she has a very negative definition that's not at all true?

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 16, 2019, 09:15:06 AM
I'll continue chipping away at what she thinks co-dependence is. I have enough of my own questions that it wouldn't hurt me at all, to look at it. Hops, I'm really pretty good at defending myself and not letting myself get triggered by these tirades. I have let it trigger me and didn't like it; stopped it.

Here's the thing: I have the clear awareness - and she's even said as much - that what she is expressing isn't about ME at all. I am merely the role substitute, for the person she's really talking to. And she's unfortunately had enough stuff in her life, that generated such energetic emotion, that she's been using this method since she was 14 - loud, aggressive, and blunt - to be HEARD. But now. she wants more than to be heard. She wants answers, solutions, and way forward out of that place. She doesn't like it either.

Which leads me to the lightbulb realization I had: many times, she's mentioned that she believes there was something that happened when she and Amy were small. It terrifies and sickens her... but she can't remember what exactly happened. I of course, suggested that it would be good to find a way to bring that memory to consciousness because as a grown woman, she could now deal with it. But she's not sure; she's thinking she might want to just completely let the memory go and simply try to correct the symptoms that manifest as a result of that recurring anxiety/fear that continues to plague her, even in her sleep. I maintain the symptoms won't go away until she deals with whatever that thing is. She gets respite from it when she's very busy; mentally & physically engaged. But during any "downtime"... there's no rest for the weary.

I can't choose for her either. But I do think I'm well positioned these days to protect myself. It's gonna be OK.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 16, 2019, 12:45:30 PM
Amber:

It's human to seek pleasure, and avoid pain. 

It's unfortunate when we don't have any choice about it, and lack balance, IME.

What's the saying?  What we resist, persists.

Ya, that's it.

Hol will have to decide when she's ready to deal with whatever this is.  Until then, you know there's no escaping what we fear.  It always finds us.

When Hol's ready, you'll be a tremendous resource for her. 

In the meantime, there's a site DailyOM, with different classes you can take.  I signed up for the Codependent becoming Independent Class, and it's good.  Also, I decided how much to pay for it, which is lovely.  Whoever came up with that really wants to get the information into everyone's hands who needs it.

Short lessons you can open at your own pace.

I hope Hol figures out the scary stuff won't kill her to look at it.  It's the way to get it off her back, and out of her life, IME.
Lighter



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 17, 2019, 09:34:42 AM
I'm of the same opinion Lighter. It's only going to continue to fester until she gets it out where she can see it for what it is. Then, knowing her ability & strength, it won't take long for her to make short work of it.

Facing fear, is the only way I know to deal with it. See it, feel it, and go do what needs doing in the face of it anyway. That's acquired myself some pretty strange labels, but I don't care what those people think about me. I stopped caring about that kind of thing a long time ago.

The busy, busy season is about upon us. Well drillers will be here Monday; contractor reviews the site clearing that's done for room for him to work. Fence guy is bringing materials over today; I moved the rest of that pile of topsoil on the pond dam, so it wouldn't be in his way and put it where I need to plant what survives of the ground cover I bought this spring.

Things I had planned to do - got bumped out of the way to accommodate other people's needs for my time/energy as they integrate into life here. So, I'm a tad irritated about that right now. But the important stuff has gotten done; is getting done. The hermit wants her space back. And the slower pace of activity. And not having to deal with OPPs. I'm coping by making my bedroom suite the "lounge area" and spending a lot more time there right now. It's cozy and comforting and I can daydream about how I'll make it work for two people.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 17, 2019, 06:22:56 PM
LOL... I've made my bedroom a lounge area as well..... the girls are older, and need their space without mom looking over their shoulders, or appearing to be THERE all the time.  So, that means no PUG in my room shedding, or on my bed with her backside, and dirty little paws.  Bedding white, and feels very nice and clean.... I want some space that's just mine too!  Since I've been spending more time on my own, oldest dd18 has been spending a few nights with me, putting her head on my chest, and talking freely, which is different.  Working on myself really is impacting the girls in a positive way.

We're waiting to hear back from the County about a communal septic system, and community dock at Dad's lake property. I think we're good on the well water situation, but that's not clear yet either, IMO.

I imagine that Hol having her own place, and Buck BEING there will make a huge difference in the amount of work you get done.  Don't judge yourself or beat yourself up.  Just go back to your boundaries, and take care of yourself.  Maybe that, alone, will help Hol too.

Ligther

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 18, 2019, 11:10:02 AM
The big thing right now for Hol is dealing with her boss & friend's passing and supporting her girlfriend - who was his girlfriend. That put her DUI right into perspective and she's accepting whatever happens, even if she knows she's not going to like it. Think she's headed to Baltimore in the next day or so to be there. She's been knocking things off the to-do list here as fast as possible.

Steve will be in/out for work and John, Hol's HS friend drove across country from Portland and is here while he puts together a van to go exploring up/down the east coast for new places to potentially land. So I won't exactly have my privacy back; but it should be OK.

I'm not so confident I really want a guy in my space, oddly enough. That sounds strange to me, but it's true. And I'm not really sure why. Maybe because he's a night owl and I'm jealous of my 7-8 hrs of sleep. The room isn't overly large for one thing; but not cramped either. It's cozy. My cave... I realize this will probably pass. And we'll make time to be together again before any permanent type decisions are made.

Right now, I'm waiting on contractors. Fence and the general contractor for the Holly Hut. Everyone's off doing their things and I've got a new business project to deal with... and trying to sort out some new naval gazing crap about Buck that also isn't making any sense to me right now. Think I'm tired from so much going on and just need to let some dust settle again. Not do a single thing I don't have to till the picture of what's going on snaps into focus. There is just too much going on all at once around here, all the time.

The sunlight today is crystalline clear; not a speck of humidity. Temps are bearable without the a/c - which died during the heatwave.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 18, 2019, 11:25:25 AM
Amber:

Are you thinking you'll share your private bedroom space with B, or keep your own space yours, give him a space of his own?  I  guess you'll figure that out when you get to it, but many have definitive thoughts on the topic.  I've always shared, but secretly craved my own space, sans men.  I'm pretty sure I'd want my own space at this point. 

I can't believe your ac is down.  That's unbelievable, considering the heat, and humidity we've been having.  You're a tough cookie.  Do you plan to replace, fix, or just live without?

About the company, you don't have to host or entertain.  You can do your own thing, and not feel obligated.... see how that feels.  Time on projects, in your room, or working in the house might shift into getting some help for your projects if you stay focused?

Not sure, but good luck on the hol hut.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 19, 2019, 09:25:43 AM
John is good for me right now. He's a quiet introvert too but he made a point to explain why he's here, what he's hoping to be able to do during that time, and for how long. He's a chef, so he made a lovely italian sausage & pepper dinner last night and cleaned up after himself. He's asked me to task him with whatever needs doing around here. I'm not sure of his skill set, but he is constructing the interior of his small van as living space, if he chooses to stay in it.

He is also really good for Holly - given the long number of years they've been intimate friends.

So yesterday, was the first day in over a week I had time to simply SIT and putter around at some things that I WANT to take care of, to my satisfaction - not just the "that's good enough for now, I don't have time" rush-rush. John appreciates how much I do need that. Coming from Portland, he found himself in an environment where there's actual concrete civil disturbances and did the right thing by simply removing himself from that. Us mid-westerners can handle the boredom of thousands of acres of corn fields a lot better than too much urban stuff going on, that never sleeps. And my friend Vicki called, after seeing Hol's FB post about Bill; Vic was confused - thought it might be Buck - so she was checking up on me. Closest thing I have to a sister, since junior high. We babbled for an hour or so on the phone catching up. LOL, it's something when you have friends for close on to 50 years.

Buck and I talked last night too. Not about whatever I was trying to sort out - just talking. I feel better about whatever I thought it was. And I think he has the perfect solution for the bedroom conumdrum. Only furniture he's bringing is his mom's bedroom furniture. It's solid mahoghany. Only a couple pieces. But that's when I realized it wasn't the room as much as the bed. We humans are totally weird about some things like that aren't we? I'm going to have to change sides of the bed, too. He's left handed. But that will put me spooning right into him on my preferred sleeping side. I think we can make that work.  :D
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 19, 2019, 10:31:13 AM
I guess you'll be ready for whatever comes up, Amber.

With back up plans; )
Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 21, 2019, 09:23:52 AM
Hmmmm. Plans usually don't remain intact upon contact with real life, Lighter. At least, that is my experience. And as of today - that appears a pretty solid piece of data for me.

That's how I learned to surf life; LOL. But sometimes, ya just want to lay on the beach and baste yourself under the sun, with the only demand on you being remembering to turn over every so often. Oh and breathing. Yeah, it's good to remember to breathe. LOL.

Nothing big is happening here. Sorry I'm being cryptic; I'm just letting other people's problems become mine and I shouldn't. I need to trust everything's going to be fine and let THEM sort it out while taking care of me. When the dust settles from this current storm going on around me, I'm pretty sure all will be well.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 21, 2019, 03:31:21 PM
(((((((((Amber)))))))))

It sounds overwhelming. All the personalities in your space and MIND space, Hol's recent disaster and loss, a new personality you feel you must understand because John's in your presence, future issues for you and Buck, just everything.

I think you are magnetized to people's personalities and minds in an astonishing way. You are a walking compendium of psychological awareness and attunement. It must be extremely hard, when it's all going on in 3-D, to find the right personal detachment and distance to stay well.

Boundaries. They're so hard.

Big hugs,
Hops

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 22, 2019, 09:29:28 AM
Hugs back at ya, Hops.

I have mostly maintained my morning meditation, journal, review of anything confusing me type practice. If I try to sort this stuff out at night, I'll get racing brain and not sleep, so instead I let my dreams work on things and then deal with it more consciously in the morning. It works because Hol is a "don't talk to me till I've had my coffee" person too. So my cave is always a good place to do that. And then we have our morning/day's logistics meeting; that's usually 10 minutes and then she's ready to be off doing. Takes me a bit longer to get organized.

Steve is super quiet. He doesn't even take up psychic space. John hasn't been overly chatty either. Neither of them seem to require that kind of constant connection but when I need to converse about who's doing what or going where... they're both easy for me to talk to. And just having the male energy in the house is relaxing for me. John is on some kind of personal pilgrimage. He's headed south for Savannah, checking out different towns and parks and trying to find as many points in the day where he can positively impact the people he comes in contact with. Steve works a lot, on an erratic schedule (as needed for events) and yesterday, he was gone before I even saw him. It would seem that Holly's presence and her over-sharing (wonder where she gets that?) is what disturbs my ability to move through a whole day with calm. But we're working on the solution for that.

At one time, all this activity would put me in bed with pillows over my head and doors closed and locked. But except for being so impacted by "other people's problems" psychically; and the old reflex to try fix it for 'em... I'm definitely making progress, even if sometimes it feels like I got thrown into the deep end of the pool. I can let the activity whirl around me without feeling squished flat by a steamroller. I don't have to attach any major portion of mind to it. I can trust that everyone's got it covered. Things don't have to be a certain way ALL the time anymore.

I kinda need the experiences to keep on practicing and making progress; even when I make a mistake or don't see that the tension is building soon enough to catch it; release it; and completely let it go.

Lighter's right about paying attention to physical reaction, I think. I know exactly where I hold tension; store effort that I may need defensively or to express myself (which, despite my wordiness here, is still a major problem for me). If I can sense that discomfort sooner, then I can consciously address the why and deal with it, before I'm overwhelmed. But there's no denying how restorative the past few days of mostly peace & quiet has been. I totally need that.

Buck is also really chatty. It's hard for me to get a word in edgewise sometimes but I do fiercely make myself heard when it's important. Fortunately that's not the only way we communicate, even at a distance. The talkativeness is a temporary situation I think. He's been alone so long with only his own voice and brain to listen to, he's opening up with total trust and vulnerability. I can sorta relate to finally finding the person/place to do that and emptying everything out and sweeping out the cobwebs. He has some intense abandonment/betrayal experiences that are still kinda fresh wounds or not completely healed. Including some brand new ones.

So I get a chance to be there for him, the way he was there for me the night Hol got arrested. He absolutely needs to have that experience, too.

I'm seeing a "theme" in what I've been hearing about "other people's problems" lately. Kinda like a theme in a novel. The common denominator is that we seem to hold this subconscious expectation of other people that they have the same set of moral values as we do; and when we find they don't then the experience is disappointment, disillusion, resentment, abandonment and betrayal. It's especially problematic for people with a higher standard* that includes some absolutes too. The ability to recognize that we can't hold other people to our personal standards seems to be fading out. And perhaps that's why the old "live & let live" philosophy in our culture is harder to find.

*Sometimes that standard is old, rigid & traditional; but I also see it in people who will declaim proudly about their new modern values and how much better that makes them. Sigh. It all sounds like ego to me. How about we just accept that we're all doing the best we can to be kind and fair people? And that no one is ever "perfect" in that sense?


Just musing on a Sunday morning..... and falling into that professorial "we" again, I see. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 22, 2019, 12:46:02 PM
Amber:

 I think that piece about holding people to a certain level of expectation regarding morals, and values is important. 

My oldest dd18 is SO different from me, and I've held longstanding frustration over her refusal to help anything go easier,  more smoothly.  She's just not interested, and she resists even more, bc she knows I so want her to care more about other people's feelings, needs, etc.

Just STOPPING that expectation in it's tracks, and pulling in my energy inward, has helped so much in our relationship. Not everyone will hold my views, and practice them. I'm getting over it, even if I sometimes slips, and I do.   

Honestly, I'm questioning my actions, thoughts and words, and finding DD18 is someone who has lessons to teach me about minding my own business, and taking care of what's mine..... eek.  Really uncomfortable for me, but it's important, IME.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 23, 2019, 08:01:06 AM
In my relations with Hol, the roles are reversed, I think. She's the one with expectations; and I'm the one who's gone through some actual change and am now different than the image of me, she has in her head.

She's back from B'more after helping/supporting her friend over Bill's passing. I'm pretty sure Melina drove home the point: you still have a mom. She lost her mom 8 years ago to cancer. Fortunately, Melina had started therapy before the surgery so has that support as well.

It's already been an exciting morning here. John got his van stuck on some of the rocks near the house; Hol was pulling him off with Helga and here come TWO well trucks for the drilling activity today at the Hut site. I made Steve laugh, when I said "so much for peace & quiet". He's also a lover of the silence and nature environment, so he & I actually understand each other on that wavelength.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 24, 2019, 11:39:00 AM
((((Amber))))
Had this on the Relationship thread but decided to plonk it here. On re-reading, I think I might be way off base, so please forgive me if I'm really clueless about your dynamics with her. Maybe too much projection on my part. TOSS whatever's irrelevant, please do.
--------------

I'm sorry, Amber. Having your daughter on your case right now can't be helping.

I wonder, have you ever reconsidered you might have boundary issues with Hol? As in, do you think it's possible that oversharing (like intimate details of your relationship with your boyfriend, who may eventually become a stepfather figure) or enmeshment have crept into your relationship with her? Even if they have, that weave can be gradually unpicked, and rewoven into something that feels healthier, more resembling parent and child than best friend and buddy, or therapist and therapee.

I ask just out of my own experience, which may give me a distorted view. I wish I had had stronger boundaries with my D, and hadn't been so lost myself that her illness, her neediness and my own interacted in such a way that we were too close, even enmeshed. When she left my life, there was no solid sense of roles either of us could retreat to that would allow her to re-approach, re-calibrate, re-engage. I don't think there's any strong connection between my story and yours (clearly not, with your D sharing your property). But the boundary issue did come to mind.

It's such a hard set of roles to negotiate, especially if the child is having some trouble "adulting." One thing that happened for us was I was forbidden to be vulnerable or have needs of my own. Eventually, I felt she didn't even regard me as a human being; more like a faucet. There wasn't room for both of us to be in peak struggle, and the over-closeness meant that when both were under massive stress, one got sacrificed. In a way, the estrangement reminds me of what happens to some marriages when a child dies. The couple don't stop loving each other; there's just too much pain for them to continue enduring each other's as reminders of it. Somebody leaves.

Anyway, that was a big digression, and probably not relevant at all. I just hear you being stressed and it saddens me. You have literally moved a mountain to make room and haven for her. I am sure she loves you and wants you to thrive, but not sure at the moment whether she's grateful. I don't whether King Lear is good company, but I could relate to his famous painful lament: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless [ungrateful] child."

These days, his child might be called entitled.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 24, 2019, 12:32:13 PM
You raise some good points - relevant to my exact situation or not. Hol and I might have sorted out the problem this morning. Time will tell.

I think ROLES are more important here than boundaries all by themselves. We're pretty good at respecting each other's boundaries. Most of the time. And we usually recognize when we're pushing one - and explaining the reason for it. But she doesn't need me mothering her any more than I need it in reverse. So we are trying on some different roles and figuring out what works the best - without making the other uncomfortable.

She has been a source of friction and perhaps felt that I wasn't free to have as close a relationship as she wanted, with past husbands. Says a lot more about them than us. I could see her being anxious about that happening again, with Buck. He SAYS he's not like that, and being intuitive himself, he's already tried to put Hol's mind at ease about that issue. Time will tell. I don't think he'll be possessive, but there's no doubt he'll be PROTECTIVE, and the one could easily be perceived as the other.

But it's trying to define and grow into new roles where we're butting heads. Clearly communication can be improved. We're both sensitive on certain topics and when faced with a certain set of emotions. But we'll sort it out. There is a truly strong bond & respect between us.

But we can't do parent-child so much in this situation. It wouldn't even be appropriate at her age. We hashed that role issue shortly after she moved in. LOL. We also can't just be besties either - the difference in generations/perspective are 20 years each way. And business models only help define power, authority, and autonomy boundaries. So, we're having to find what works for us.

Just like Buck and I will get to do too. I've already told him it would be unwise to confuse me with any past wives. I won't confuse him with past husbands, but it's going to take awareness at first until we settle in. LOL... he makes me laugh and smile... because he makes no bones or excuses about who he is and when I remind him, that's what I fell in love with and please don't change... the man goes positively twitterpated. LOL. He's not experienced that before.

Some of what has been directed at me, from Hol, wasn't about me & her at all. I was just standing in for the object of a tirade that she absolutely needed to verbalize. She probably should've warned me sooner because I wasn't picking up on that at all. That is sorted out.

What I THINK I'm seeing in her, is that she still doesn't feel secure in her position around here (nor the terms of the estate) despite work on her house commencing. Buck is a variable in that future-anxiety. So I need to ponder & design a way to resolve those kinds of things - some small ritual that is flexible and informal - so the air can remain clear. And she can relax. And resentment isn't allowed to grow beyond annoyance.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 24, 2019, 02:16:44 PM
Whew. That's a LOT! I get it.

I loved reading about the "strong love and respect" between you and Hol. That's very reassuring. As to whether she should have warned you pre-tirade, sounds like she was already losing control of herself in that moment, so was past being able to tell you, "This is going to be a massive vent, not about you...can you listen?" I love how all those grownup preambles [scripts, my specialty] do us about zero good in the moment....

Her vibes with Buck? Perhaps if you did not discuss with her the details of what you're working on as you grow closer with him, that would help? IOW, if instead you treat your relationship with your man as entirely private territory, and project confidence that you are he are two happy older adults who are in charge of your own relationship connection and decisions? But not sharing details or the entire blow by blow.

Maybe...generalities. "Buck's really wonderful and supportive. I'm really glad to have him in my life, and we're glad to be building our relationship." [script alert!] But then stop with the deep, personal psychological layers of it, which might be too much for a child of any age to handle well. Much less if she's feeling vulnerable. As a separate thing, is there a simple way to spell out for her exactly what her ownership and secure place are on the mountain, in the trust, whatever?

I hope you can make all those decision (intimate and estate) without involving her in the process. If she just knows, "You are taken care of, and you will never have to be worried about your home here". If she's MORE interested, or protective, or paranoid...about your personal plans for your estate (and thusly, her inheritance) -- we could be creeping into entitlement OR boundary territory.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm right (repeat ad nauseum). Things may have changed or be different than I comprehend about larger estate issues. The way I was raised was that it would be a shocking breach of manners for an inheritee (?) to try to influence whatever they are going to inherit. Because their loyalty and help to a parent was bout filial duty, not manipulation.

Hmmm. Did I ever have those thoughts? Yes I did. And felt wrong about it. So...more Hops' projection....filter, filter, filter!

You sound very clear, not rocked to your bones.

Buck belongs to you, and I hope you boundarize the space you need as two equal adults to negotiate and make your way into your future as a couple without family drama. You don't need it.

Hugs and gratitude,
Hops

PS -- A "twitterpated" Buck is the most delightful image I've contemplated today. !! :)
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 24, 2019, 05:21:59 PM
We had a very adult and calm discussion about roles and how we'll be swapping roles at various times during the Hut construction process and farm development. It's reassuring to her that she gets to be the general on the Hut - and I'm just facilitator, right hand man. She got to say her piece - and be heard - without me reacting instantly. (shakes head; she's right I was jumping right into defensive reaction without hearing her out...)

So for now, we're all good. SOME of the Buck stuff does need sharing since she IS concerned about my welfare and I do have solid boundaries on things that are simply none of her business. She doesn't push, any more than she volunteers overmuch about her and Steve. All the estate stuff is explained to her satisfaction - including some fail-safes for helping her with her sister and if I decide to add anything extra for Buck, it will also be limited and basically under her control... up until she released it from the trust.

I like hearing your take on things Hops! Even if it is a little more of what you know personally, versus what's going on around here. It shines light on things I might not have thought of. Believe it or not I MISS a lot of things. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 26, 2019, 08:14:33 AM
Well yesterday wasn't such a good day.

Mike's & my anniversary; I tried to avoid it then got an email from his medical records - which I had tried to disable 3 times in the last 4 years. Apparently death doesn't affect databases. That crap's forever.

Hol hasn't stopped her barrage. Just changed tactics. Back to boundaries and what I call shields/force fields.

Everything I wanted to get accomplished yesterday took a back seat to what other people wanted.

And poor Buck stepped on the landmine which was my internal pressure building up and he took the full force of it. I think I'm going to just crawl back into a hole somewhere and re-think everything. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 26, 2019, 11:02:39 AM
Remember to keep breathing, Amber. 

Deeply, with intention. 

All will be well.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 26, 2019, 04:15:38 PM
((((((((Amber))))))))).

I'm so sorry.
You are truly feeling beleagured, and justifiably so.

I think Hol needs to learn to stop her own runaway train. She may not recognize how destructive this is, but that doesn't excuse aggressive or disrespectful behavior.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pressure.

I'm resonating with this a lot because of my own experience, of course...which tilts me. Not objective.

Time for some respect and tenderness for her mother, I say. Whatever boundaries there are she seems to feel comfortable trampling. She's lost perspective about who's who, and where, and with whose resources.

Not demonizing her, she's doing what she feels it's okay to do. And I have no doubt she's a vital and interesting and valuable and wonderful person. But. SO ARE YOU.

You deserve respectful treatment, not to mention loving behavior. That's not kow-towing, it's just...right.

Big hugs,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 26, 2019, 08:40:19 PM
The easiest way to describe what I see as my only way through, is to call it "pulling rank". No point in trying to map that out specifically. Just have to surf it. She's tough; she won't like me much for awhile, but hey - it needs to happen.

I *think* Buck is OK. We each got some space; I apologized and explained. Probably too much, but he's OK; we're OK.

The whole pulling rank thing is awkward for me. I don't see myself being leader material. But I can't really escape, finesse or delegate that role around here without doing a dis-service to myself and everyone else too. That time will come; it ain't now.

Hello, big girl panties. LOL. Or as I like to call them, my stainless steel armor.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 27, 2019, 08:23:41 AM
For sure Buck is OK. He agrees with my plan, going forward from here. It's just going to take some repetition before it settles in.

Not re-instating parent-child roles; but establishing some new boundaries. It's one thing; if one of us girls is in the midst of a serious crisis for us to drop a lot of boundaries and try to shepherd the other back toward balance & the light again. But when there is no crisis; we need to go back to each of having the space, privacy & autonomy to have separate lives. That includes freedom from being analyzed by the other. That habit is particularly harmful in an active work situation.

She has this idea (and I might be partly responsible for her having it) that one of our responsibilities as humans is to constantly work toward "perfecting" ourselves. I have no issues with her doing that for herself. But when she extends that out to other people - including me - based on the premise that she can see what needs to occur and that she's right about that... Houston, we have a problem.

Now add in a new fear that mom is getting old and you're responsible for making decisions (later) when mom can't. Mix well. And those "observations" and "suggestions" - no matter how well-intentioned or caring the impetus - are experienced as heavy-handed, unnecessary, and essentially intrusive. I don't care that she calls it "encouragement" - when you set an expectation above & beyond someone ELSE'S personal needs & goals - it's not welcome and makes things worse. She's well aware she can't control other people, but she doesn't accept that her "encouragement" might just be rejected. Nope, she considers that more evidence of decline.

Hence, friction. And a moment even, where I re-experienced the worst of Twiggy's abuse. She rejects that I've moved past it - simply because I can be reminded of it so vividly. Ironic, huh?

Perhaps, this was all to spark me "pulling rank" in the first place; not saying it was conscious - only that she was wanting it. Precisely because I had given up being consulted about use of space here, the scheduling of announced/unannounced visitors to MY space, because anything I said was too constricting for her... and if I didn't say it... it erupted later anyway.

It's the damned if you do, damned if you don't thing. If I vacumn - it's the wrong time or I'm being OCD; if I don't vacumn - I must be depressed and I'm not getting enough exercise. Hell yes, I'm gonna give up - retreat - and try to evaluate things from a more objective viewpoint to figure out what the hell is going on. THAT is crazymaking. But then, she's accusing me of the same thing. Right. OK.

While she was gone for a few days, I honestly collapsed into exhaustion. The lack of demands, microscopic analysis, and QUIET - the two guys here just did their thing and didn't engage unnecessarily - were PERFECT for me to try to sort out what's going on. Part of it, as she explores & learns about co-dependence and how it manifests in different situations, she's seeing everything through that lens of traits. And it's absolute right now in her mind. Any little sign equals clinical level problems. LOL. I know I've been guilty of that particular brain quirk too.

It's going to be a little while before she's able to see that behaviors that may meet the definition aren't necessarily an indicator that the person IS that way totally; it's only when it's pervasive throughout all their personality and interactions. Like the difference between N and a healthy ego.

Her brain can digest new information very quickly. And she actually is one of those people who will ponder it, watch & observe, and come to her own personal understanding of it. It doesn't have to match mine down to the details. No matter what she wants. (We disagree on political issues, too - but also have established common ground between us on the real life things that unfortunately have been politicized.)

So by "pulling rank", I do mean upping my watch on boundaries again. Finding those ways of letting her know - she doesn't need to do this and it's aggravating; without rejecting her natural concern and actual caring. Sigh. Like I need one more thing to do.

I sit in a very uncomfortable position to write lengthy things like this. I got up and she asked if I was limping or just stiff. The "smart ass" sarcasm jumped out and yeah, I'm stiff - I think I'm gonna fall and break my hip!!!  I think she got my point.

So to keep myself from being totally self-conscious about what I say & do; how I say/do things even; I have to make myself safe somehow behind the boundaries and let this run it's course. She'll figure it out eventually and I'll be trying to point her in that direction.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 27, 2019, 10:35:54 AM
I so hope she does figure it out, Amber.
I really am sad about this kind of stress. I am so glad you have Buck. The sooner he comes, the better!

Something blunt but true (notwithstanding the implied heartache if it came to pass) is that if she is not ready to learn the lesson you describe here, well, you'll have a lovely, rentable cottage on your property now.

She needs to earn, not assume, her right to live there.

And, because I project my own solutions onto everybody, I wish you two could go into family counseling before it gets worse.

love and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 27, 2019, 10:49:24 AM
The book THE PARALLEL PROCESS  might be useful, Amber.

It's geared toward parenting young adults in recovery, but it's an amazing encyclopedia for boundaries, good choices, and helping us grow alongside our kids in healthy ways.

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 29, 2019, 10:12:29 AM
Thanks Lighter. Maybe I'll read that this winter; as the farm schedule goes into high gear for work around here - getting ready for winter.

Tomorrow the wizards of HVAC are installing a new condenser in my a/c - so I'll have cold air again to counter the rediculous heat we're still having. Contractor breaks ground on the Holly Hut (General Mayhem's HQ) and I for one, will be celebrating. I'm picking up the House Guest this evening, so he can earn a few more bucks helping knock some of the chores off the list faster. (There's a LOT of extra stuff going on this year.) Almost all the posts are set for the fence around the pond field; another good days' work and they can start stretching wire and set the gates. When that trailer moves, I can finish the drainage around the barn. (Bobcat's kinda blocked in for work there; but I could finish the refinements I'm making to the driveway.

Hol and I are building some steps from the parking area to the front yard, kitchen beds, etc. It's pretty steep there and even the dogs are kinda tentative about using that path. It's tricky for me when it's wet/snowy. We've done this work before together; she had a good design suggestion; I've had a chance to get eyes on it up close & personal (not just imaginary on paper crap) so I think we're good to go. She and Matthew MIGHT start clearing off the back deck - she wants to build a walking path up that cliff to the hut site - it'll be a more direct, shorter way to go back & forth. I want the fire break that close to the house, and she wants the shorter distance. Then there's the garden tilling for next year and cleaning up kitchen beds and putting them to sleep for next year.

We NEED rain desperately. Last year, it never stopped. Fire is becoming a worry.

And if Buck can sort out his med appts, I'm sneaking away for a few days at the beach with him. Just us. SOON.

And I think the Hol situation is sorting itself out. She reported a useful dream, to that effect. And we have been able to find ways to talk about difficult subjects in more productive ways. I don't think a person can simply "decide" - I'm over this now - like she believes. If that were true, I wouldn't have had my revisit of Mike grief - 4 years later, on our anniversary. What she lived with, for 10 years in the last relationship is what she's working on changing for herself. It's dysfunctional to change roles and do what she suffered with to me. But if I realize that's what's going on and control my own reactions to it... she will also eventually realize what she's doing. She's real smart that way. But she is working INTENSELY at a lot of levels on it. Her whole life disintegrated and changed in the last year. That's a lot to process.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 30, 2019, 01:43:57 AM
((((Amber))))

This is in response to your latest post over on Relationship, thought I should put it here. I'm glad things are better with Hol today. (So this may seem out of sync.)

Amber---
Of course it "kinda" hurts.
I hope you won't minimize it.
Your love for and your perceptiveness and your running forgiveness for her are lovely.
They still don't grant her license to keep hurting you as she deals with her own stuff, no matter how difficult it is. Her Very Bad Year doesn't excuse her taking it out on you.

Hope you'll talk about this whenever you need to.
It's important.

Big hugs and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on September 30, 2019, 11:31:39 AM
Hops, love... she is VERY close to having her own realization of what she's been doing. I think it's very important for me to leave her to it, and perhaps nudge her gently into acknowledging bits & pieces of it. She's good at adding 2+2; connecting dots. It'll stick a lot better if she achieves this all on her own.

The talk has improved a good deal. There have even been those deep laughing at ourselves moments for absurdity in our actions. It was a turning point when I was able to puzzle out what she was doing; and the why of it. Like she has said many times (right before she criticizes again - LOL) - it's not a personal attack on me. So while initially it DID hurt; it's shifted more into concern for her. But we have a long history of sorting things like this out, in our stumbling, bumbling, flailing fashion. So we DO have the ability to put it aside; leave it; take a break.

And coincidentally, it's not a bad reminder for me to remember just how I can remain "safe" and "whole" and not lose my confidence or trust in my self... when someone makes an unfair observation or criticism. My autonomy is intact; and it's non-aggressive in it's defenses. But it IS standing my ground and saying "fine, that's your opinion" and "I disagree with you." And defend that with actual factual evidence.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on September 30, 2019, 12:17:21 PM
Good for you (both)!

This sounds like an excellent development.

You sound centered again. Sounds like Hol is truly working on it.

And you sure have been.

Bravo, Amber. You work on your own mountain as hard as you work on THE mountain.

You have a whole dumptruck full of patience and she is a lucky woman.

I loved your ending, about speaking your peace including disagreement. Holding that right dear.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on September 30, 2019, 02:02:22 PM
Thanks Lighter. Maybe I'll read that this winter; as the farm schedule goes into high gear for work around here - getting ready for winter.

Tomorrow the wizards of HVAC are installing a new condenser in my a/c - so I'll have cold air again to counter the rediculous heat we're still having. Contractor breaks ground on the Holly Hut (General Mayhem's HQ) and I for one, will be celebrating. I'm picking up the House Guest this evening, so he can earn a few more bucks helping knock some of the chores off the list faster. (There's a LOT of extra stuff going on this year.) Almost all the posts are set for the fence around the pond field; another good days' work and they can start stretching wire and set the gates. When that trailer moves, I can finish the drainage around the barn. (Bobcat's kinda blocked in for work there; but I could finish the refinements I'm making to the driveway.

Hol and I are building some steps from the parking area to the front yard, kitchen beds, etc. It's pretty steep there and even the dogs are kinda tentative about using that path. It's tricky for me when it's wet/snowy. We've done this work before together; she had a good design suggestion; I've had a chance to get eyes on it up close & personal (not just imaginary on paper crap) so I think we're good to go. I wanted steps, out front, and was reminded by my brother that steps are limiting.  You can't roll a cart easily down steps.  A wide, graded path can be appreciated when you have a heavy wheelbarrow full of whatever to get from point A to point B. She and Matthew MIGHT start clearing off the back deck - she wants to build a walking path up that cliff to the hut site - it'll be a more direct, shorter way to go back & forth. I want the fire break that close to the house, and she wants the shorter distance. Then there's the garden tilling for next year and cleaning up kitchen beds and putting them to sleep for next year.  Whew... lots going on, Amber: )

We NEED rain desperately. Last year, it never stopped. Fire is becoming a worry.  We had a lot of threatened rain, then it came down yesterday...  finally.  I hope it's heading to your neck of the woods soon.

And if Buck can sort out his med appts, I'm sneaking away for a few days at the beach with him. Just us. SOON.  That will do you both a world of good.  ::nodding::.

And I think the Hol situation is sorting itself out. She reported a useful dream, to that effect. And we have been able to find ways to talk about difficult subjects in more productive ways. I don't think a person can simply "decide" - I'm over this now - like she believes. If that were true, I wouldn't have had my revisit of Mike grief - 4 years later, on our anniversary. What she lived with, for 10 years in the last relationship is what she's working on changing for herself. It's dysfunctional to change roles and do what she suffered with to me. But if I realize that's what's going on and control my own reactions to it... she will also eventually realize what she's doing. She's real smart that way. But she is working INTENSELY at a lot of levels on it. Her whole life disintegrated and changed in the last year. That's a lot to process.  I think we keep the focus on us, as parents, when we react to our children.  If we can remain detached, and ask ourselves... IS what I'm about to say necessary?  Will it get me more of what I want?  We give ourselves time to make better choices, and respond instead of react.  Being right is highly overrated, IME, and no one appreciates it anyway.   
Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 02, 2019, 10:30:54 AM
LOL... yeah, I'm not the one insisting I'm right Lighter. Just trying to make sure I don't respond with doubting myself, lashing out in defense, or seeking revenge.

I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.

So yesterday was ground breaking on the Hut. Fence guy is hard at it, too. We celebrated; had a good time. But champagne for lunch was brutal. However, I let her call the shots on that and just went to bed very EARLY. Contractor was back bright & early this morning; but that was after I drove Matthew - part time help around here - back to town in rush hour. He's the former House Guest and is just the right energy for Hol to cathart (new verb I just made up) all the stuff in her head that she continues ruminating on; polishing turds... instead of being focused in the now. NOW, none of those old things matter; the how/why has limited instructional value to learn from; and the lingering emotional damage is more quickly healed with care & nurturing than it is, rehashing and reliving all the agony repeatedly.

She'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we don't have to be in the very same space doing the same thing ALL the time. When Mike did that, it made me crazy too. I really need my space right now. More so, because of Buck. I'm not able to put as much into that relationship - when my "quota" (capacity) for relationship stuff is already overflowing with Hol's stuff. And her constant diagramming of emotions - which are (IMO) way too mutable and slippery for that kind of "knowing".

She has a very different opinion on that topic. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 02, 2019, 04:12:13 PM
Quote
I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.

I feel I compleeeeeeeeeeetly understand this, Amber. It's so weird because my ENTIRE life until recently I considered myself a total extrovert. But I'm not. I'm that introverted-ex etc subtype, fwiw. And I respond to "too much input" with stress, rising BP, and anxiety. I didn't understand until M how easy it is to "flood" me.

I guess the poet side of me (long neglected) is about deep quiet. Time for thoughts and feelings to take clearer shape. To rise out of deep places within that won't unlock without peace. Badgering, whatever the source, is the antithesis of peace.

You DESERVE peace and have more than earned it, and Hol can't relate to that chapter that, in your maturity, you are entering. The eternal examination (and perhaps oversharing) of the detailed inner world with Hol is making less sense now. Someone else is appearing as your partner. You are also engaging yourself in different, healthier ways. She is threatened and flailing, because she senses her mother shifting her focus. I'm sure it's hard for her to adapt to, and sympathize.

Of course you love her. But change in relationship dynamics, even with a close parent, is part of the long curve of life, and 40 or not, she hasn't lived enough to internalize this truth.

I hope that not too much damage will be done before she gets there. That you've identified boundaries as the key to making it through this rocky surf is huge. That you're committed to them for your own sake, and for yours and Buck's, is even huger.

I'm sorry it's been such a primal struggle. But if anybody's strong enough to weather it, it's you.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 02, 2019, 05:29:10 PM
LOL... yeah, I'm not the one insisting I'm right Lighter. Just trying to make sure I don't respond with doubting myself, lashing out in defense, or seeking revenge.  I guess you'd ask yourself if what you have to say... or how you say it...  be it defensive, lashing out, seeking revenge... whatever it is that's going on between you and dd right now.... you'd ask if it's necessary, and if it gets you more of what you want.  It doesn't matter what your situation is,  IME.  You're just changing your reactions, and choosing responses, bc you want something different between you.   

I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.  That sounds like an ongoing strain, Amber.  I hope it gets better soon.

So yesterday was ground breaking on the Hut. Fence guy is hard at it, too. We celebrated; had a good time. But champagne for lunch was brutal. However, I let her call the shots on that and just went to bed very EARLY. Contractor was back bright & early this morning; but that was after I drove Matthew - part time help around here - back to town in rush hour. He's the former House Guest and is just the right energy for Hol to cathart (new verb I just made up) all the stuff in her head that she continues ruminating on; polishing turds... instead of being focused in the now. NOW, none of those old things matter; the how/why has limited instructional value to learn from; and the lingering emotional damage is more quickly healed with care & nurturing than it is, rehashing and reliving all the agony repeatedly.   When Hol's brain is ready to finish the things she keeps talking about,  she'll find a way to do that work.  I really like tapping. 

She'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we don't have to be in the very same space doing the same thing ALL the time. When Mike did that, it made me crazy too. I really need my space right now. More so, because of Buck. I'm not able to put as much into that relationship - when my "quota" (capacity) for relationship stuff is already overflowing with Hol's stuff. And her constant diagramming of emotions - which are (IMO) way too mutable and slippery for that kind of "knowing".

I wonder how much of the need for space and peace is connected to introversion... getting energized from within one's own head, rather than from other people.  How much is connected to being drained by people who verbally process the things needing attention, as a matter of habit.  I'm comfortable listening to people talk about their struggles, and I enjoy those conversations.  What I don't enjoy is listening to people talk about their problems with no interest in discussing solutions, or attempting to find solutions.  People who are stuck ruminating, and comortable there, are people I can't be around comfortably.  Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 02, 2019, 09:29:56 PM
Hops - thank you so much! you get it. I have this emotional pull - like the ocean's undertow - that I can't ignore. Maybe I'm more romantic that I think? Not able to BE a poet, but have those leanings?

Lighter - OMG, come stay with me for a couple weeks. LOL. I need a practical brain right now. And you're dead-set on practical. I love it.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 03, 2019, 08:13:33 AM
Amber:
I'm internalizing this myself too, so I write it out, more for myself, as I have trouble applying the concept consistently.  I do notice when I miss an opportunity for silence, but here goes.   

There's a moment when you (general) don't react to what your child just said... and it's just a second or two, and you have think...
Is what I'm about to say necessary? 
It's more of a reluctant  prod to self, rather than real question you intend to answer, IME.  It's not a real question, just yet, and that's all there is.  There's no follow up... bc it sits there,
will this get me more of what I want? 
Nope.   
Just that initial attention, and it's not a pleasant feeling, it almost feels like being self chastised.  It was an epiphany for me. 

When you start asking that question, and listening for the answer... be ready to notice things you won't be pleased with. 



The whole goal is providing the silence and space for our kids to focus on their part, and not on us.  We chime in, we take the focus.  It's interesting to see the shock on their face when we change things up, and take back our energy. 

We fail to provide the distraction they've become accustomed to.  They have some choice about what they pay attention to then.  Maybe they buck a little harder, trying to engage us back into the dance, but we resist, and they're left with themselves, their words, their actions, and self responsibility.

I'm guessing some kids buck a lot harder than others.  My oldest is very reserved, most of the time, around me.  She's very sensitive to what I say, how I look at her.

 When I read that any interaction with a child, that's not nurturing, is abuse.... that got me pinpoint focused on what I'm doing and saying around oldest dd.  I have some very big habits that I'm not proud of, but I understand, and forgive myself for.  I think I used to try to face beat her into compliance, or feeling more responsible, nicer, kinder than she was feeling, particulary about me. 

I forgive her for being mean,  and I forgive me for reacting to it,  and not being able to think my reactions through. 

I've been through a lot too.  Not just the kids.  I cut myself slack, and work towards what I want for all of us. 

I SEE MY T TODAY! 

I really like her. She's about a foot taller than me.  Very thin, which I am not, and has the carriage of a monk.   

::nodding::

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 03, 2019, 11:07:56 AM
Lighter, what is "face beat"?

Pretzeling my brain to visualize...

Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 03, 2019, 01:48:14 PM
 No idea, Hops.  Did I write that?  It's definitely a typo, lol.  I can't find it.

OH! OH!  Found it!

It's like browbeating, but with the entire face: ) 

Facebeating.
::nod::

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 03, 2019, 02:03:08 PM
Got it!
An emotional head-butt?

:)

Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 03, 2019, 03:15:18 PM
Well.... more a very LOUD series of facial expressions relating disbelief, disappointment, and frustration.  It's meant to motivate, but I don't think it's had that effect on my kiddos. 

I think it worked with me.  My mom and sister both used it on me with as a matter of course.   

::dropping head::

I'm working on it: )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 03, 2019, 10:31:46 PM
GOOD for you for realizing one can communicate more than we mean to, using the face!

I'm not laughing at your dilemma, but am struck by the irony. We have SO much emphasis on what we SAY to people, and you have just realized how powerful (maybe too powerful) our facial expressions can be also.

Makes sense. Also it's consistent with the attention you pay to body signals. Now you're getting insight about facial muscles and performance, too.

Bravo,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 04, 2019, 05:57:26 AM
I have always been one of those who express my feelings in my face and body language; heart on a sleeve kinda girl here.

The recent turn of my main relationship around here, has been dredging up old stuff again. So, I'm just making time to journal the thoughts/feelings out where I can see them better. Emotional stuff is off the charts and not making a lot of sense. But then, when do emotions make rational sense? Especially when it's ancient history that's being re-activated in the present.

So, clearly, I need to change a few things for myself to be able to cope and adapt... and feel strong enough to weather the stresses. Boundary work is ongoing; just like the fence is coming along nicely now that all the posts are in. We're in a drought situation; the poor pond is down about 8 ft now and the feeder stream has been dry all summer. Meanwhile the water pressure for Hol's well is gushing out from under the cap... LOL. They hit an artesian pocket.

I'm calmer now. Got some time alone in the studio to process some important emotions surrounding the whole Mike<>Buck shift. Apparently, those feelings aren't terribly unusual for widows getting involved in new relationships... but in the context of all the other things I wasn't seeing or processing well or quickly they were concerning. That part was a LOT easier to deal with.

I'm also seeing some patterns in the other stuff now; that I've seen in the past - my relationship with my mom, the stuff I internalized, and now the weird shift in Hol. (If she isn't kept totally mentally occupied and physically tired... her brain always turns to creating drama where none need exist. Mom thinks that's probably related to some OTHER stuff she's not ready to face yet about herself.)

But overall, things are more civilized around here... and with Steve home and the work-session with Matthew... and now her friend John is back for a few days before heading west again... the male energy has balanced the cat-fights down to a simmer. I kinda think the contractors are helping with that too.

Things are crazy busy and it's difficult juggling/scheduling the things Hol has going on with the stuff I know I need to get done. There is talk of them heading into the city to do some museum hopping and then up to B'more to move her storage unit contents closer to home and retrieve a piano. Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.

So you can see why I feel like I'm getting crowded out of my own home, maybe. Pushed aside. Stacks of her stuff are EVERYWHERE and she's a clutter bug - even though lately, she's been purging a lot of stuff. I really only had my space "clear" for a few months before it got filled again. With stuff. That isn't used; it's just STUFF. And there is the annoying fact that she is totally unconcerned about damage that is caused by their carelessness; leaving tools outside, for instance. MY TOOLS. HER TOOLS.

I grew up taking care of my things, because they cost money to replace. She doesn't seem to have that attitude in her "high & mighty" collection of ideas and attitudes. Among other things I know she grew up with too.

I don't think I'm cut out for "communal living". I'm doing better than some years ago but I'm not buying the attitude that there is something wrong with me, because I have personal preferences about how I want my space; my home to be.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 04, 2019, 06:52:16 AM
Quote
Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.

Sending you strength to practice:
No, you may not move more things into my house.
No, you may not put the piano or sofa in my house.
No, you may not leave my tools outside.

The secret is in the passive voice: "is getting stored." 
Or even in conjugation:
Holly is storing,
Holly wants to store,
Hol wanted to store but I said...

Or in: "of course"

And a tiny verb:
Quote
If she isn't [kept] totally mentally occupied and physically tired...
Who's doing the keeping? Is Steve giving her instructions all day? Are you?
"Kept" indicates no adult agency. (Or responsibility?)

I'm concerned for you, Amber. The exhaustion, the emotional stress. You know I'm not an
objective observer with regard to entitled or abusive adult children. But I'll advocate
for these situations being extremely real and knowing they can get very bad. And for KNOWING you don't deserve unkind or inconsiderate or reckless treatment. You didn't go through all you went through to get to your mountain to have it despoiled, even psychologically.

It is even possible that a cherished dream of a "family compound" made sense as a dream but is going to need some straight-up reality checking. I hope it can still be a happy, meaningful retreat for you. You don't want to fight for yourself because she damn sure should know all this already.
But it's really only yourself you have to teach. "No."

It's never too late to assert, or re-assert your space, your peace, your serenity. Or to get some joint counseling to figure out how assertiveness (as opposed to aggression) can help you both.

I never acknowledged how sympathetic I felt reading of your anniversary reaction to Mike. He's still a real sweet duffer to me, and I know you miss him.

Hugs
Hops



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 04, 2019, 08:06:26 PM
I must use spell check more often.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 05, 2019, 09:21:11 AM
With the leaves starting to carpet the yard & woods, and the almost frosty morning here... everyone senses the quiet solitude of winter coming on. I welcome it. Hol does not; except for all the social whirlwind around the holidays.

Hol got asked to fill a position in a production filming nearby that would be a major step up for her. There's a whole list of reasons why it's not the right time - and they are valid ones. Including the fact that she would be coming in cold with only a little experience and only 5 days to accomplish all the planning, hoop-jumping required to make it happen safely, and artistically satisfying. The offer was still super-valuable to her... in that, she feels that connection to both her late boss and her own past work life. She discussed the facts, both with her co-workers and another guy she's known a long time in the industry (father figure). And I'm glimpsing something that MIGHT be a major clue to what's going on with her. More on that later.

We had a pretty pleasant, productive day here yesterday. Even the natural irritations were resolved quickly and no lingering misunderstandings or accusations. Takes 2 guys' energy here to balance such strong female energy, LOL. They're embarking on some activities away from the farm today; might stretch over several days too. So I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet. A mini-vacation at home with puppies. Letting some of my current thoughts settle into something resembling a coherent description.

The Mike stuff that came up, make sense in the context of getting to know Buck at a deeper level. And having to ride herd on myself about YES, they are different people... and therefore the relationship is going to be completely different too. Different doesn't equal scary or bad; it's just different.

My sense of efficacy and strength of self is returning with the cooler temps; and the fall energies. Heat & humidity turn me into a limp noodle. Give me 4 feet of snow and -25 windchill, any day. I can always find ways to get warm; only so many ways to cool off.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 05, 2019, 11:57:45 AM
Mini-vacay for Amber WITH PUPPIES???

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!

I'm so glad that's happening. And jealous.
Also that you're going to have some sweet, sweet solitude.

Your thirst for it is palpable.
The peace in the air, with cooler temps, is too.

This is wonderful. About time you gotta break!

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 06, 2019, 12:40:54 PM
Well, they weren't out late last night. And today, things seem MUCH calmer and less fraught than usual with Hol. We've already started the winter brainstorming for future projects this morning.

Maybe whatever burr was under her saddle has finally been removed.

Had a fire in the woodstove last night; it was THAT chilly in the house! And stuff for winter studio projects is getting collected; I'm making something for Buck for Christmas - who's finally feeling better today. He's had lots of pain, and nothing can be done because he's in a healthcare bureaucracy catch-22 right now. Or maybe I should say Yule, since he's a heathen which in a lot of ways is compatible with a Buddhist/Pagan. LOL.

Already getting gift ideas for Hol & Steve, based on how we've been living here together. Having trouble with the grandkids though, this year. Kids have everything these days.

I know it seems EARLY for this kind of stuff... but sometimes I like to get a head start; especially when I'm making things.

I'm thinking I'd like to keep Hol's friend John around. He's not just one of her oldest friends & not drinking at this stage in his life, he's also a pro chef. And he cleans up the kitchen as he cooks - and he cooks all day. That's a luxury around here; someone who's main focus is food; for the rest of us.

AND... I've asked Buck the really important relationship questions. Which side of the bed? TP over the top in front - or down the back; handles up/down in dish drainer; and towels - short side or long side first? LOL. He's declared my handles down, "living dangerously". :D

He does his own laundry, so that's easy.

Sigh... the wheel of time (and moods) rolls on. At least there's a reprieve from the other stuff that was going on.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 07, 2019, 11:20:08 AM
Amber:

When I read your questions, it sometimes feels they're tiny recon missions.  Your thoughts spanning over anticipated (unfamiliar) territory.  Trying to minimize....
the unknowns?
 
I think there will pleasure, and a few growing pains, as you navigate Buck World, and that it's going to be OK.... even the pains.


All this new landscape isn't so unfamiliar, IMO.  You've done this many times in your life.  It's the wildlife that's changed... the human element, rather than the potholes, low hanging branches, and water features.

I sometimes get frustrated by the marks people leave on me/us/humans in general.  They can feel like so many things they aren't.  They aren't the landscape, they live on and inside us, and it's so difficult to SEE things when that close, KWIM?

I have a question.  Have you always ever chosen a side of the bed, for yourself?
 I know I haven't, and that makes my stomach flip... not sure why, but it makes a little sad.

I think you and Buck will have fun figuring out all the details of a shared life, btw.    I think he'll appreciate the attention to detail, but be more relaxed around the timeline.

Check yourself.  Make sure there's no old anxiety thrumming in the background. 

Buck is Buck.  He's not like anyone else. 

I'm glad things calmed down in the house. 

Reading about the first fire was nice.  Just seeing a little fire on tv makes me feel snug and happy.

Lighter


Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 07, 2019, 01:43:09 PM
LOL... some people make a big deal out of things like my questions Lighter. And in truth, once upon a time, I did as well. UNTIL... 4 teenagers and their various groups of friends were in my house. UNTIL... my beach house turned into a hostel that needed a reservation scheduling system... (which hasn't changed in my new location)...

Buck & I are dealing with the deep heavy life things (different for each of us) - so it was a joke to ask him about silly things like this. Lightens the mood. And also lets him know HE'S safe from being judged superficially for stuff like that, from me. Given his medical issues and the byzantine VA insurance stuff he deals with, I can't protect him from that or even lighten his load. All I can do is care and advocate for him. (Limited right now to me making suggestions to him, on how to navigate some things.) He has a super sense of humor - and most of it is very gentle; he has the typical dark twisted humor of people who've been through some seriously traumatic stuff, too.

We're also sorting out the boundaries of the medical stuff. Things that blow my mind, that "should not be" - often are things he's dealt with for years on a consistent basis, because of his VA status. And he knows how to cope with it. Until things go sideways. So the silly, unimportant questions help us learn to read each other a little better. We're way past that kind of thing.

But amazingly, I find we communicate really well. Because I can usually keep my objective hat on, and analyze things... without initially reacting... I can help defuse some of his frustration before it spirals him out of control. And he can open up more and be more honestly vulnerable too... because he knows I'll just listen - and then feedback to him, what I think I heard. The roles reverse, too. He can do the same for me. And we have our "code words" for when we need to have those kinds of conversations.

Seriously, I don't care what side of the bed I sleep on. LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 08, 2019, 09:38:04 AM
General observation warning:

The level of cognitive dissonance - everywhere - seems to be intensifying. For lots of people in different situations. Stress too. As that pressure increases, I'm observing some cope pretty well; some are just escaping any way they can; some obviously using every possible psychological defense mechanism known to mankind. That kinda creates a pressure cooker phenomenon in the human environment. Everyone seems to be in some sort of psychic pain - and not just in the folks I directly interact with.

Being a hermit - or at least, when I WAS - was kind of an escape; a controlling factor to avoid dealing with it at all. I had other things on my agenda I wanted to do that required that much peace & quiet. One of the inescapable facts of who Hol is, requires me to interact with more people than I would've chosen to, on my own. And those people bring their special dramas and dilemmas with them. There are positive things contributed, don't get me wrong - I'm not just seeing impact on me, here. So it's a "working relationship" between my needs, and all these other people's needs.

One thing I'm learning right now, is how to recognize my needs before they get to crisis stage and politely excuse myself to take care of me. Without always feeling obligated to "be in the mix", "be a good hostess", or engage in activities I have no real desire to be a part of at that moment. And to communicate that in a way that doesn't provoke the onslaught of "shoulds" and/or "criticism" that in turn provokes ME, to stand & defend myself. I'm just not that complicated anymore.

LOL.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 08, 2019, 01:43:12 PM
Wow, that's perceptive. All of it.
I can relate to a lot of it, anyway.

The widespread psychic pain people are in.
Choosing solitude as one way to cope with it.

The present difficulty of boundary-ing and respecting
your own need for serenity and solitude. How to
be assertive about it and take care of yourself.
And WHAT to do when attacked, criticized, etc.

How to dial down a habit of remaining always in the mix,
part of solution, consulted or consulting. In control, too?

Not thinking you need advice but occurs to me that the
classic I-statements and language of assertiveness (all
reviewable online) are the healthiest language to use now.

I am so glad you have Buck to love. And VERY glad you
will be going to the ocean together. When is that?

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 08, 2019, 02:49:37 PM
Amber:

I think that's a very helpful observation... noticing the psychic pain of everyone walking the earth.  Not just our own, or those in our orbit. 

Another question, Amber....
When you decided it was OK to engage in self care, without feeling obligated to play the hostess, or engage in communal activities you'd rather skip.....
was there an event that solidified that knowing for you?  You might not have an answer: )

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 08, 2019, 05:18:22 PM
I just found I was letting myself get carried away with what everyone else was doing, past my "older person" limits and better judgement. And being over-tired and vegetable-brained (usually makes me a rutabaga) the next day. So while participating in those times is FUN... I need to safeguard my energy levels more, to stay consistently productive.

And I don't care what LEVEL of consistently productive I'm at, as long as I'm maintaining a minimum level.

And it helps a lot assessing those times, in the moment; a personal check-in with myself; a mini-time out to acknowledge just how interested I am in the frivolity or discussion going on at the time. It goes back to my philosophy, that there's always time to take care of myself FIRST. If that means I miss some fun, so be it. I won't be much fun the next day if I'm not getting enough sleep or missing a meal or don't have just some plain old downtime.

Contrary to Hol's opinion of a "healthy" balance of solitude/fun... I'm allowed to have one that fits ME. Another type of boundary, I guess.

Been a super-busy mental day here today; but the fence has gates now and I just have to fasten them. The contractor is done jackhammering the rock that was in the way of the first floor of the Holly Hut, so they should be able to start working on forms this week or next for the pour. I don't know if they pour the footers & slab first; let it cure. And then set forms for the walls - or not. Hol has moved ALL her stuff locally; some in a storage unit, some here. So she can officially close that chapter now. (Maybe that'll help?)

A mutual friend told me Buck hates to text; he'd rather talk on the phone. First hand evidence says the exact opposite, so I called him on it last night. (I feel like one of those people chained to my stupid phone!) He's apparently made an exception for me. I find myself pleading with him to call just so I can hear his voice. LOL. No big deal; but because of entanglements where he presently lives and his D's big ears... he's keeping his plans & me hush-hush to minimize the grief he has to live with as a result. Yes, that caught my attention and I chewed on it for awhile.

I think I'm OK with it, in the end. I've had to gradually cut Hol out of the loop, just to be able to have any alone time with him - without her hovering over me like a maiden-aunt chaperone.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 08, 2019, 06:04:25 PM
Yes yes yes. Hol is encouraged to step back and respect your new, healthily-articulated boundaries. Maybe take her a while (un-entangling from enmeshment does) but there's hope she'll get out of this pattern. If YOU stop first, you'll be helping both of you. She doesn't know any better *yet*. It sounds like one of those things that does NOT need to be verbally narrated or explained, but enacted.

You enact healthy boundaries.
She is confused/resistant for a while.
She catches on, and then gets on with her own maturation.

That's what I'm hoping for you both!

I think it's really good that you are sensitive that Buck has his D to deal with and must do it in his own way. Bravo. One day the relationships in all directions will be happier because you accept that at the outset.

When is beach? Can I come?

LOL.

xxoo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 09, 2019, 11:32:51 AM
Beach is on hold, because communications with docs/appts is non-existent. So we can't settle on dates yet. Medical stuff comes first. Could be more surgery involved; surgeon is taking his own sweet time deciding what to do. The docs apparently think he's one of those old guys strapped into a recliner 18 hrs a day.

He's actually in better shape that some guys 10 or more years younger. But because of this snafu with the med devices and the effects of the original spinal injury which isn't being corrected by the incomplete status of the devices... he occasionally falls, because he has no sensation/control of one of his legs that gives out from under him. I think one of the falls dislodged the pain pump, and that's a problem that needs a surgical fix. Then there's the issue of FILLING the pump, which can't happen till he's "cleared" from the staph infection he picked up in the hospital... and in 3 months they haven't even taken a sample & TESTED it. So, the only pain medication he can take is oral; and you know how the rules/regs of those pharmaceuticals have made life difficult for people with chronic pain.

Because he's a VA patient, it's not like he can just go to a different doctor or hospital too. They have to pre-approve EVERYTHING. Logistical nightmare. And loads of drama.

So far, I'm not getting too sucked into that. There is little I can do to help; I do that... and let him figure out how to get the care he's supposed to be getting. It's a tad frustrating for me; I don't like feeling helpless. But in this case, I actually am helpless to help him. All I can do is hear him out, care, and let him know I'm still here.

And all of his possible medical options depend on the decision of the Navy (two months overdue) as to whether they want to recall him to active duty.

It's starting to feel to me, like he might be out of reach. That my understanding of the worst case scenario - never seeing him again - might end up being the reality we deal with.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 09, 2019, 01:24:22 PM
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry, Amber.

I hope it's not true that he's out of reach. That would be a heartbreak neither of you needs.
But thank you for such a clear explanation of what he's dealing with medically.

Is there a VA facility near you? If so, is it not possible that once all this stuff DOES get sorted, he'd be able to access ongoing care there?

Hugs and comfort,
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 09, 2019, 03:43:40 PM
Oh, no.  I'm so sorry the medical stuff, and decision to recall B or not recall B is so up in the air.

If he were to get recalled, what would that look like?  I mean, would he be training people on a base?  Could you visit, and spend time with him? 

I don't understand.  It's not like they'd send him out of the country with his medical issues... right?

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 10, 2019, 10:59:47 AM
I don't understand the ins/out of VA insurance and how that works Hops. But there is an arrangement where vets can get care outside of those hospitals. And his medical devices definitely puts him in that category; problem comes up where only certain hospitals/docs are "approved" and the patient has to jump through 100 hoops and wait forever to even get a second opinion. Sigh. The bureaucracy in gov't is now so big & complex that entropy has set in and is definitely affecting effectiveness of "mission".

Martinsburg is the closest VA hospital; and their record is awful. BUT the Valley Health system is partnered with them, in Winchester. And their care/docs is pretty GOOD. First hand knowledge there.

Lighter, IF recalled it's going to cost the Navy a LOT of money (back pay, is required; and in his case that's over 20 years). Yes, he'd likely be a trainer. And according to him, in 6 mos he'd be eligible for full retirement. So it wouldn't be a long haul. But given his current medical snafu - he couldn't even be cleared for training duty. So WHY don't they just go on and release him already; why drag their feet??? Another former military friend suggested that B's specialty is so valuable to the Navy right now; that that's why they're even considering it. (I already knew he was special - LOL)

So; my feelings about all this. They've been roller-coastering again; pureed to a smooth consistency. There's been LOTS of drama attached to B's life and while he is in the process of separating himself from it all... it seems, like always, when you try to let something go is when it reaches the height of intensity. And some of that, is because he has old deep wounds (nonphysical) that heighten the impact of certain kinds of daily life stresses. At least, that's what I've distilled out from sitting with his descriptions and my feelings... and his reactions too. I guess he came to the right place; I wouldn't know ANYTHING about how our mental lens can make things like that appear bigger than they really are.......   :rolleyes:     LOL

Obviously there are some other things that take precedence before we can even talk about that. Yesterday he found out that one office didn't transmit ALL the information required to another office by the deadline (VA determined) for him to start having this pain pump filled. The pain has finally caught up to him and he hasn't been able to sleep or work this week. Spinal injuries always involve nerve pain. Now, the paperwork snafu, means he will have to wait a whole 'nother MONTH, for things to line up again. MEANWHILE, there are absolutely NO other pain relief options open to him except massive doses of ibuprofen. And he can't not work for a month. It's been 3 months since his surgery and the low dose the pump was filled with at time has now degraded/run out. It will start alarming soon, on top of everything else.

And this is how vets fall through the cracks of the "system". (Tupp probably knows how others do too.)

I'm not B's wife; nor his health POA. I can't advocate for him or follow up with these people. I can only suggest to him, ways to get past the roadblocks. Fortunately, he's not passive about all this. But he might be just a tad too the opposite - very aggressive - which I can understand, but doesn't contribute to generating cooperation, coordination, or results. LOL. So I've been looking at herbal alternatives for things. He's very open to that, if it helps. So that's one way I can "do something" and maintain a more positive outlook.

It just feels like we're having to climb mountains, cross oceans, and fight tooth & nail to get our way clear to just BEING together for a few days. It's discouraging; I succumb and think the worst. But he's not at ALL like Mike in this respect. And if I can stand back long enough to let him get his head clear... he goes to work on it. Carefully, methodically and with great focus and precision.

This is what I mean by we're moving into way deeper levels of relationship, out of sync with the chronology of feeling that there is a potential for this level of connection. Some of it is very new experience for me and all my past relationship experience is totally irrelevant to this present one. One the one hand - I CAN see all this very clearly, but it sometimes feels like I'm blindfolded. And all I can do is TRUST. It's very "weird" - in all the connotations and meanings of the source of that word.





Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 11, 2019, 10:06:17 AM
Boy was that a ramble (above). More clearly stated, we both pulled back and re-evaluated what needs to happen and how it can be possible. Throughout the day yesterday - B worked through all of his plans (a, b, & onwards) to get the result he wants. There is one last thing; and he's holding that back for a week, to see if all the other people/offices he is relying on, follow through. Then, that tactic gets deployed. He refuses to give up; as he should. Getting these devices all settled down and functioning the way they're supposed to is the ONLY thing standing in the way of him having a really active, decent quality of life.

And then we spent the evening texting silly things to each other. He makes me LAUGH like no one else has; he's so terribly smart underneath that reserved simple country-boy demeanor. He knows when to stop feeling sorry for himself, even under the cloud of constant pain, before it turns to self-pity -- and he won't let me over-empathize either. He's definitely conscious of how what he lives with affects me - and works extra hard to make sure I know he's got it covered. And it seems, I'm the one that has to reassure him, instead, that I can deal with MY crap just fine by myself too. And we've only really butted heads once, over that kind of thing. And then sorted it out.

The only thing that comes up and bugs me a lot - is that he isn't HERE to touch; hear his voice; see the look in his eyes or how he's moving this day. And that's just the way it has to be right now. DUMB THOUGHT - just passed through my head maybe coz of Lighter's new thread - this relationship is almost growing in reverse to what I went through with releasing Mike. The physical/spirit energy absence... but still feeling connected & love... is the phase I'm in now. Guess I'll be sitting with that in the bobcat today, moving buckets of shale to the barn, to cover my drain pipe.

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 11, 2019, 02:45:39 PM
Wild thought.

Have you ever considered abandoning the farm for three months to go be with Buck?

Hmmm. Cwazy.

Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 11, 2019, 05:06:13 PM
Going to see Buck for 2 weeks?  4?

A week even?

Just to reconnect, touch, and feel his smile on your face.

And maybe take old bottles of pain pills if they're laying around?

I never finish pain meds.  I keep them in case I smash a finger or something like that.  There are some on the island, bc you just never know.

Why can't B get his own oral prescriptions for nerve pain IN HIS F'in SPINE for Pete's sake?  He shouldn't have to suffer.  Why would anyone have to suffer like that when all these pain meds are prescribed like crazy these days?

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 12, 2019, 08:24:46 AM
Hmmm. Yes, I believe I've mentioned the difficulties scheduling the beach trip. And there are a plethora of personal reasons why he doesn't want me just showing up there. Like, the now 18 yr old daughter that he's tried so hard to keep on the straight & narrow; (he doesn't want to give her any reason to question why he's been so strict, but having different standards for himself - especially about her choice in boyfriends; which got her in trouble skipping class at the end of last year) his ex-wife who only NOW is interested in the D and as usual, is angling for the remaining financial commitments documented in their divorce agreement. And the ex is trouble. Mentally, emotionally, socially, and even in his business dealings. They've been divorced 18 years. Telling her no, has been counterproductive. She finds some other ways to make him miserable, even in just short visits with the D. He confides his anxiety and resistance and disgust at having to share the same space with her. I can relate. I feel exactly the same about Hol's Dad, even more years later, still. But I also know from that experience, it takes two to tango. He can't be totally innocent & blameless; even if it's only a matter of having unrealistic expectations. He participated. Made choices.

So the story goes. (insert one raised eyebrow emoji here) Ye olde "Skeptical" is positive there is more to this story that I haven't heard yet. Sensitive male ego, perhaps; a deep emotional wound, probably; betrayal for sure. And the massive complexity of still being "owned" by the US Gov's military and at the mercy of today's medical "system". And having lived through my parent's god-awful messy and catastrophic divorce, including me being collateral damage because of it... I wait for the bits of story to come out and only gently question. I know better than to trample that boundary and demand a full-accounting. But I also understand that leaves me wide open to being deceived; even if it's for harmless intentions (like trying to protect me from his mess to deal with) it's still indicative of shaky trust.

So, I DO ask questions. I do express my wish to just look into his actual eyes, not just a picture. I do accept that in many ways, he's shy. Fearful of being judged; criticized; perhaps holding some shame. But I stay on my side of that boundary. And protect my side of it. I've informed him of the same. I have to; no one else will do so. And he knows I need to know exactly what might come back to haunt him later.

So, because he certainly has justifiable reason to fear that if ex finds out about me and my financial situation... she will insert nose and start making demands and creating trouble. My discomfort about this notwithstanding, he is treading very carefully to be able to keep me "under wraps"; not even his D knows - because she's been trained to not lie and therefore doesn't hold up under direct questions. All she knows is that when she starts college, Dad is starting over somewhere else. Financial commitments to ex fulfilled and clear of anything in his past - to the best of his ability - that might create a problem in the future. (Nope; I don't have that full list yet.) He's not abandoning the D, just waiting till things are situated the way he wants to tell her everything. I think he's been a little over-protective of her but everyone parents differently.

Since there isn't anything in his background check that gave me pause, I can only assume that most of this is stuff that's dripping poison from an old wound emotionally, that hasn't healed yet. Completely. Mostly military related, too. I know how our brains can amplify things like that, and make them seem to be greater sins than they actually are.

So, yes.... a complicated man. Complicated situation. Entanglements in drama that isn't even mine; and I'm happy enough to stay out of it and not make things worse by donning my superhero cape. I think he's always going to need his own space to deal with his own stuff his way, too. His whole life has gone that way. That's an important data point for me. For staying on my own path, sharing what we share... and remaining individuals.


Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 12, 2019, 12:50:28 PM
This all sounds extremely wise to me, Amber.

When his D moves out of the nest (she lives with him now?) it'll be much easier for a path to clear.

It sounds as though his toxic ex needs to know NOTHING about your existence until he is fully and entirely clear of her, financially. Ew, ew. And how wise of you to recognize unfinished business when you see it or smell it. Whatever his contribution, it's his sticky web to disassemble. I'm just sorry you have to wait, when you could use his company and presence now.

So frustrating as it is, I understand why you're not venturing into that space. Sounds like it's mined.

Hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 13, 2019, 01:47:56 PM
Indeed Hops. I lived through my own toxic messes; I don't need to involve myself in his. He has told me, volunteered actually, the details. It hasn't come out all at once; and I'm OK with that. This narrative started the weekend he was here; back in June. Now, I have opinions of course, about why after 18 years of divorce he is still dealing with this... but those aren't terribly important; and don't change the facts of the situation at all.

He kept the house, with the obligation to split sale proceeds later on, to provide a home for the daughter he raised by himself. Then, there is the health insurance. When you're a divorced parent there is a sense of being locked into having some form of relationship or contact - for the child's sake. Limited contact kind of best describes that situation. Unfortunately, she feels that entitles her to stick her nose in his life... and criticize and judge... and make life melodramatic and problematic for him. He is counting the days until he can go no contact, completely. I fully understand how stressful that kind of forced relationship is. So, I'm practicing a lot of listening skills... LOL. Letting him vent and only rarely do I make suggestions about strategies for him, in dealing with her. He seems to manage pretty well; has good coping skills; but he gets frustrated, upset, and angry just like anyone would. He manages all those feelings himself; the most I do is listen & just talk about mundane daily stuff... and often that's all it takes for him to cheer up a little; not take so much on himself - but he still takes responsibility for his past decisions and knows he has to see this out to the absolute end... selling the house, closing the bike shop business and getting the daughter moved into a dorm. Not to mention, get the docs to finish up the process of bringing his medical devices into full functioning calibration. I have mentioned he doesn't need to take the abuse she doles out, but he feels it's his karma until the very last day.

He's kinda bionic that way. LOL. As for my desperate impatience to spend time with him, he's already told me he has the advantage there because of all the deployments; sometimes months or years long. He's used to long-distance relationships. It's not permanent; and all good things come to those who wait. So that's just the way things are, unless or until a couple things on his list finally get resolved. Then maybe we can sneak away somewhere together. I would even be content waiting - if he could just resolve the medical stuff. I'd know he was feeling better and back up to his normal energizer bunny activity level.

So, I'm taking out my frustrations on my own list. I'm just about done with the drainage at the barn. I'll have to finish up by hand. Then I've got to do some maintainance on 2 mowers; mow the field one more time - and start discing the garden beds. We have 4 geese now in the pond field, keeping the few chickens company. Hol will bring some more birds over next week.

We have wood to finish splitting and stacking and there is ALWAYS brush to weedeat, prune or cut. Speaking of which, I still need to clean up the stove after the first fire I had last week. Except for that and laundry - I'm not doing ANYTHING today except go pick up Matthew. We'll hit it again Monday.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 13, 2019, 07:09:37 PM
I don't like you having be kept "under wraps" Amber.  I don't like it at all.

At the same time, I don't like what PDs DO with information. 

I get both angles  They both make me uncomfortable.

I have to tell you... I am completely lost with regard to B's relationship with his ex of 18years.  Was she pregnant when they divorced?  Do they share living space or work space or live in a compound?

Forgive me if you explained this.  I forget.

Lighter

 



Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 13, 2019, 08:41:04 PM
You sound really sane, mature and REALISTIC, Amber.

B sounds like somebody who's still in a kind of psychological dance with ex....BUT, since his daughter is 18 now, legally adult and about to exit the nest (she lives with him? her mom?) ... this has a short shelf life.

I think you'll hold on and hold steady until and unless you run out of patience. Just warn him when you feel that's coming. You're not there yet.

And, he's clearly taking steps and making plans and doing the best he can to make it happen as soon as it reasonably can.

I hope for a rendezvous for you two, as soon as it's realistic to arrange.

hugs
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 14, 2019, 08:55:21 AM
It's OK Lighter. It's complicated. So I understand how you might not be able to keep things straight. The D was adopted; ex ended the relationship (for all intents & purposes) on the way to pick up said infant girl. Divorce followed shortly thereafter. The ongoing "relationship" since then involves legal entanglements that aren't done until he sells the house - and parenting. She seems to believe that he's going to always be available for taking out her frustrations on. LOL.... we'll see about that. He seems to have weathered the ongoing abuse pretty well; he's pretty intact after all those years. But until this year, he was staring at a solitary life till the end of his days - and he was resigned to that. Obviously, that's changed. And he's back in defensive mode again. He has hopes to protect.

Hops - nine more months and counting. There isn't going to be ANY man my age who doesn't have what I call "baggage" to deal with. Or scars of some sort. He is working hard to make this go smoothly - and to be able to make a clean getaway, without any loose ends that will come back to haunt him. I have to give him that space, while we're still friends and getting to know each other thoroughly. Meanwhile, I'm working hard here to settle my business estate; insure Hol's future... and her independence... and get her house built. She's working hard around the farms; to the point she's not sure she even needs a gym. LOL.

We had become friends years ago online. Then the phone calls started; he being concerned about the level of my distress over Mike and throwing me a lifeline. Someone to talk to in the middle of the night. All while keeping a "proper" distance. And things went back the other way during the last 2 years of medical nightmare with him. He counted; he's had 23 surgical appts (not actual surgeries; some follow ups or dealing with bad results) in the last 2 years. And things like that make it sound like he's a basket case physically. But I can guarantee you he's NOT. Yes, he deals with constant pain; and sometimes - like now - it's terrible. Because it's been 3 months since his pain pump was installed and it still hasn't been filled. The oral painkillers simply don't help much because the pump drips morphine directly into his spinal column; so it's never exactly in his bloodstream - it's sent directly to the nerves. The docs had ONE JOB to do; and they need to finish it.

As far as the ex, he lives with my baggage too and the echoes of Mike's and my relationship. He handles that way more gracefully than I'd expect a new guy to be able to do. I'm not going to interfere with what he thinks is necessary to "make her go away; go away mad but just go away". But he's already been warned, that I will be involved if she shows her face - or other body parts - if we do decide to walk along together, in 9 months. SOP for me and I guarantee she won't like me a bit. Mama Tiger is built-in to my psyche.

So, it's 9 months till we really get to the starting line. AND THEN, we'll make decisions.* Meanwhile, these kinds of details of our lives are getting shared; stories told; emotional ups & downs learned; we're leaning on each other getting through difficult days (or nights) and making each other smile and laugh. We're doing all the "daily checkins, and chit-chat" that couples do. Neither of us is facing our lives alone anymore. Even if we're not together. Thank god for cell phones. LOL. Still, I think I'm going to write him weekly letters.

*This is his plan, based on what he's trying to resolve and get UNtangled from... and it is wise. I understand why he wants that. It's not a controlling thing or a power play. I know he wishes things were different too. But they're not so we do what we have to. I think I can give him patience on my part despite my innate motivation to "make things just so".





Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 14, 2019, 09:17:44 AM
OK.  Thanks for providing clarity.

One more question.

What space is Buck sharing with the ex, if any?

I'm in no way judging, but I am trying to understand just how complicated his situation is.  I thought dd18 went to visit her mom somewhere else,  then came back to Buck?

Selling a house, in both parties names, will be a nightmare, IME. Hopefully B just has to sell, then give ex a certain amount of money, like my dad did with my mother 20 years after their divorce.

I get that. 

Lighter

Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 15, 2019, 06:10:13 PM
They don't share any space at all, Lighter. DD does visit; and the ex will also visit her at Buck's. But there have not been any overnights; no shared custody. Mom's lifestyle prohibits her from such things. But she inserts herself where ever she wants anyway; "no" notwithstanding.

He will sell house; and then give her the percentage agreed upon in the divorce decree. Of course, she'll have to be at the closing as she's on the deed. That's actually pretty common practice.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 15, 2019, 06:54:34 PM
I think Buck can arrange to NOT be at the closing if he chooses. 

Or maybe sign his part of the deal ahead, and trust the Attorney to do what needs doing without B.

When that house is gone.... when that check's written to the ex..... what, beside their dd, ties them?

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 16, 2019, 07:46:07 AM
Absolutely nothing will tie them then, Lighter. He's planning to put it on the market next spring.

It appears we're going to get a little rain from the coastal low that's moving up the Atlantic. Big smile on my face! We really need it. I only have a little bit of hand "prettying up" to do at the barn drainage I've been trying to finish for a year. Materials are continuing to arrive for the Hut today. Solar package came yesterday. Stored in barn. I hear today's trucks starting to come up the road already.

Hol & I are headed over the mountain today for errands and appointments.

The day time temps are dipping down; going to have one night in the 30s too. Hol & Matthew finished the wood at the house. They'll work to fill the racks at the garage too - but that will end up being "back up", and available for Hol to use too. Since it appears they are going to get the Hut closed in by the end of the year.

I've screwed up my tv/receiver system somehow. I don't know what I did... but I think it's the receiver that's the problem. Can't watch streaming tv or discs; I did get the CD player to work though. She's reading a new book, that she's going to share - "The Art of Empathy". Most of our conversation this "Matthew" trip was balancing empathy & boundaries. Hol wants to obsess on something and think it straight through, without let up. I don't have the stamina for that and much prefer to digest things at a slower pace. I think I get the book first; then Matthew. He's real aware that she's kinda "stuck" in something that she needs to work through too. He's been a good sounding board for me; and one thing I know he knows, is the big differences between Hol & me. Those are at the root of some of our disagreements - a difference in age and experience; and my continued work since therapy - without letting that become the only way I see the world.

ETA: it's like grand central station here on my road & driveway today. Contractors even got a tractor-trailer in here - a feat I have always considered impossible. Good thing we're not leaving till about noon.
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: lighter on October 16, 2019, 08:56:42 PM
Just pray everyone stays safe,  and don't sweat the small stuff, Amber.

Glad to hear Buck is OUT when the house sells.

Lighter
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: Hopalong on October 16, 2019, 10:24:47 PM
I'm confused about who Matthew is and why he's in on intimate revelations
about your family relationships...but he must be a mature and trusted person for that to happen.

I wonder, do you feel the boundaries are okay there?

I'm just hunching over my laptop imagining insights...

BIG hugs to you. You've had a really hard couple months, emotionally, hon.

xxxooo
Hops
Title: Re: 2019 Farm Life
Post by: sKePTiKal on October 17, 2019, 10:23:59 AM
LOL... there's a whole cast of characters around here these days Hops. Matthew is the former house guest; the one we took to the hospital and helped stake to restart his life. He is on "intimate terms" because he's spent so much time here... we've been his "group support" and he's been vulnerable and open about his stuff he's dealing with and working on... and because Hol is tackling a new thing or level - it's good for her to have someone with his experience in addition to mine, with actual therapy. We also laugh a LOT when he's around. He doesn't have any family nearby; so we're kind of his PHamily.

Yah, it's been an eventful year - but stuff is MOSTLY to the upside for everyone; the sunshine side. Some hard things to process take a long time; come back over & over; and you get one more bit of treasure to put into the "keeper" trunk. Matthew and I were talking about that a lot this last visit.

The idea that you grow up - and then life is permanently good. Or you go thru therapy and you're instantly permanently "fixed" and nothing bad will ever happen again. IME, that's NOT the way it works. LOL. We keep learning, seeing something new, maybe even revising what we initially thought was "the end of all that".