Author Topic: 2019 Farm Life  (Read 1771 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #180 on: July 18, 2019, 07:08:12 AM »
No rest for the weary around here. I think I'm going to have to travel south soon for another "fix" live, and in living color, of my sweetie.

He's still going through unpleasant complications; it's not the first time for this so he copes pretty well. But it means a shift in my routine - I can be awake at all hours of the night now, instead of my normal diurnal sleep schedule. Hol is riding herd on me, reminding me that she and I have multiple things going on pertaining to our situation and life here... and keeping me from smothering this man who's been successfully alone for even longer than I've been. The "crowding" reflex is a left-over from Mike's clingy neediness. I didn't like it much either, so I'm trying hard to be conscious of it... and give him space and autonomy.

Meeting this morning with Holly Hut contractor; going over plans, cost estimates, etc. Hopefully get a tentative start date. Hol & Steve are going to start tackling the clearing of the site - brush and smaller trees and because former house guest needs some extra income (and something to take his mind off the old neural paths he's starting to return to) he's going to spend a couple days assisting. It's back-breaking work and not for the un-spry. But I've offered the bobcat up and can run that, behind them, to get things pulled out and levelled.

New lawyer sent me home with a binder to review all the estate, trust plan he put together in our first meeting. Added plus, he seems very well-versed in tax law too. And he's incredibly straightforward, charming and funny. Don't think I didn't kinda take a moment to think about that during our mind-meld session. LOL. He even took an interest in the property and suggested an additional land acquisition... having bought into my goal of owning a significant buffer between me and any future development out here.

Had a pleasant conversation with my brother about some of the suggestions lawyer made for the business as well. And he's engaged in the need for discussion! (Miracle) and willing to research on his end too. Amazing what getting out of bad relationships and some therapy can do for a person.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #181 on: July 18, 2019, 10:42:17 AM »
That is all awesome news, ((((Amber))))!

Bonanza sounds amazing. Would love to see the spread one day. Exciting stuff.

I will not bother being concerned about house guest becoming a barnacle in your lives whose mental illness continues to surge and fall and your family becomes somehow his family and there he is decades from now, drinking beer and being needy, and the charm has totally evaporated from being his rescuers.... Ahem. Right. Won't be concerned!

I'm glad you get to see B soon. As to the hovering concern, heed it with all your strength. M's post-widowhood intensity, his desire to hover and enmesh, was so powerful at first it nearly drove me mad. Fortunately, after six months he's feeling more secure I think, but it really tested me. I felt smothered. Didn't matter that he was proclaiming love nonstop, he wouldn't get out of my mental space and kept doing everything he could to "hook back" my attention. It backfired big time.

I don't think you're anywhere near out of control as M was. But it's something to manage as best you can. I know you know that, just preaching to a very smart and self-aware choir things I many times needed to preach to myself.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #182 on: July 19, 2019, 11:58:08 AM »
Yup Hops; you're absolutely right. And I'm painfully aware of that tendency in myself. I think I just explained it to Buck, adequately if not perfectly. He needs something besides his own physical trauma to think about right now. And I did tell him it's my job to ride herd on it and if fixing is possible, work on that too. I also worry about mind-reading his reaction to it, in myself. We're in the midst of another post-op storm that may require additional surgery. So crazy times again. For me; not so much him - this is now SOP for him.

But you KNOW what kind of past crap is coming up for me and the temptation to see the pattern and react as if they're the same situation; they most definitely are NOT the same. So, juggling that too. And I have to accomplish a couple more things on the Holly Hut project today, then I can let myself obsess to my heart's content on this other stuff.

But I think I'm going to continue trying to untangle past & present instead. I'm. Not sure when I'll get to see Buck again. I had to basically find the biggest sharpie I could find and write in the very front of my mind... that an essential reality here, is that I may never see him again. Not that I wouldn't move heaven and earth trying to do so. Because whether I intended to or not, I got that invested emotionally in the space of a few hours; a couple of days.

It does absolutely no good to lecture myself or beat up on myself or judge myself over it now. Now it's just a matter trying to figure out how best to surf this without drowning. Sometimes, that means to stop struggling.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #183 on: July 19, 2019, 05:15:32 PM »
Totally agree and cheering you on.

You took the tally and decided this is so real that it is worth it,
and now you're riding the waves.

I know you are going to be okay. He has already awakened you
and jump-started your heart. Only because you chose to open it.

Now the task is to remember that there is ALSO joy in walking
peacefully in one's own skin. You still own your skin. That skin
is containing and supporting and sheltering you, and very competently.

You're not going to dissolve and lose yourself, no matter what happens
next (poor guy). You are still you and will remain you and you both are
and always will be a wonderful companion, because you've worked so
hard to become a good companion to yourself.

That's my take. I know this is hard, hon.
I can imagine.

(I feel the same way about M, warts and all, simply because it feels
so good to love and be loved back.)

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."