I dreamed my oldest dd died last night. I woke up feeling dreadful, and did a balance. The awful feelings from the dream were gone, and I didn't think about the dream at all, except when I thought about doing the balance, and how it might have been connected to the headache I had a little later in the day. I don't get headaches very often. Hardly at all if not connected to my posture typically.
It's so easy to forget self care. At every level. Esp when care isn't just about flossing, and skin care, eating well. When it's at every level, and it's mostly new, it's easy to slip back into old patterns and forget, esp when under duress.
And we don't just put new patterns in place, we add new things when we start feeling better, IME.
So that's a whole lot of NEW for brains struggling to put new coping strategies in place, iME. Maybe reaching out, and adding new happy things, too soon, is just too much too soon?
I had an interesting night last night. It wasn't always pleasant. It wasn't particularly fun. It was stressful at times, and full of people who don't feel warm and fuzzy about me, more or less. They, without fail, speak another language in front of me, when they could speak English. Since they understand that improving their English will help with job applications, and primary, and secondary schools I'm consistently baffled by their unwillingness to speak English at all in the home. I don't take offense, though it's very distancing to be left out of every conversation we're not a part of. I'd like to feel closer to them. I'd like to have a warm fuzzy relationship.
I can't figure that out just now, and that's OK. I can leave it where it is, and go back to what's mine to do and fix. I'm trying to release the situation with love.... trying to practice healthy boundaries. I think healthy boundaries will bring about the best resolution possible.
What comes up lately is wasted time. I'm not talking about doing things imperfectly, but about not spending enough time on the most important things. This is about the past 12 years, still.
I feel better when I can turn myself around, and face what's in front of me.
I'm trying to do that, so it's confusing when I find myself turned BACK around, facing the opposite direction unexpectedly. The thing is, I'm getting more familiar with both directions. The present isn't so alien any more. It's easier to find. Easier to connect with. It just comes and goes.
Getting spun back around is like flipping a switch, IME. A photo, a word, a glance, a sound can flip the switch. Getting startled, opening mail, facing a difficult project, or sink full of dishes. It's difficult to figure out all the ties, and triggers, and fend them off. Maybe it's just time to stop fending, and start facing. I think fending things off just slows things down, and muddles the mission.
Oy.... I ate jalapenos today, so I'm rolling through hot flashes every few hours. The peppers are absolutely a factor.
The journey continues.
Lighter