Author Topic: Mindfulness  (Read 3685 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #120 on: February 21, 2019, 06:26:32 AM »
The gig sounds very exciting, Lighter, how did it go?  I like the idea of the Pig in your head as well, that's quite a good name for a band, too!  I hope it settles a bit; I go through phases where I want to eat everything in sight and it isn't good!  Lol xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #121 on: February 21, 2019, 10:48:20 AM »
Tupp:
The "gig" was a travesty, at least in DD's mind.  I do think she'll do it again, but taking more leadership, and reigning in the group... at least with respect to choosing songs ahead, and practicing plenty before hand.  She can't please everyone AND herself.  Really good lessons, IMO.

Ya... the Pig in our heads.  Mostly I let him have his way with me, then go back to eating as well as I can after he's released his grip.  The In Law thing, maybe, has the Pig hanging on.  I see that.  I'm not going to worry about it, bc it won't help.  When I feel better, I'll do better. 

DD 18 begins seeing an Eating Disorder professional soon.  She chose it.   She made the appointment.  I think that will bring good information into the home, honestly.  Food goes in and out of being a trauma for us.  Time to see what that's about, and face it. ::NOD::>

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #122 on: February 21, 2019, 11:17:36 AM »
[moved this over from Tupp's Dark Side thread]

I'm really glad you decided to be loving to your Aunt, Lighter. Kindness never backfires, and sacrificing some bully-bonding with Uncle is so worth it.  Absolutely!  I agree: )

I think you've had to deal with a lot in life through warrior forcefulness. Yet it sounds as though your Aunt was just feeling sad and overlooked. The teasing and jabs and jibes aren't her language. She's way overpowered. Yet there's nothing condescending about kindness. Your Uncle may be smarter and sharper.I don't think any of us are smarter or sharper.  She's smart in her own ways... we all are.  What she is..... is completely humorless.  Zilch.  Nada.  And she knows it.
 She talks about it.  She's maybe a bit bitter about it, and wishes it could be different, but she's stuck, and that being stuck is where we gently prod her.  I think she'd join in the chuckles IF she had any sense of humor at all.  I think her feeling she's not good enough is baggage from her childhood, bc she's a warrior who basically raised 4 younger sisters while her alcoholic, foul mouthed abusive mother slept her way through too many men, instead of parenting, then died a terrible slow death in the living room while the daughters nursed her angry, vindictive, abusive soul through it.  Just terrible, and we're not cruel.... we're playing around her, and beckoning her to come play with us!  She's trapped, and we all know it.  Meeting her where she is.... is her comfort zone, and that means not using humor around her, or beckoning her to play.  It breaks my heart that she's walled off there, in that terrible childhood place she couldn't escape. 
But perhaps there's a deeper heart than you've been noticing in her. I'd like to think I've always been aware of that deeper heart, and that I've loved her for it.  I think that's true.  She lived with us when i was maybe.... 14yo, and we hung out all the time. She taught me to eat chocolate cake in a glass, covered in milk, with extra icing on top.  And you know what?  We laughed together then.
 Now that I'm grown, I think she sees herself as not good enough.  She was more comfortable with me when i was a child.
 I sometimes feel that way myself, and would split off from an adult party, and dance with the kids.  It's easier to let our guards down around children.  It's easier to let children see us, if we believe we're flawed, IME.  Aunt always talks about feeling not good enough, comparing herself to my mother, which was set up by family dynamics.... my mother was the golden child.... and Aunt and Uncle had to listen to stories about AMAZING majorette, model, Miss Ohio, blah blah blah sister who had twins, then worked at B line fashions, etc, and Uncle just wasn't on his parent's radar.  All that is wrong,  and untrue, and I'm more like my Aunt and Uncle than I ever was like my mother, IMO. My mother didn't have a close relationship with her brother, or her SIL.... she didn't have the relationship I enjoy.  None of us had a close relationship with my mother, and we all share that, frankly. I think Aunt somehow thinks of me as an extension of my mom, in my adulthood, and that's the river between us.... that's where the laughter drowned. 
Maybe all in all, her vulnerability doesn't make her a lesser person. Just someone who needs more cherishing.  She deserves to be cherished, and I agree.... she's not a lesser person.  She never has been.  She's dog tired of my trying to convince her, so I'll just keep meeting her where she lives.... and being patient.  I hope she starts laughing again.  We'd all appreciate it.

We all do. And you deserve it too. Not because you can out-strategize, outwit, out-lead or out-fight others. Just because you're you, and you deserve real love. Thanks, Hops.  I wonder if I believe that.... at every level. Not confusing toxic stuff. The real thing. You don't have to earn it, win it, or know a secret brain formula for how to get it. I don't have to, but I think that's how I end up in toxic relationships... I believe I do, or I'm pathologically driven to PROVE I'm worthy.  I see that, as a pattern.  I've stopped.  I want to see what comes next: )You can have it right now if you give it to yourself. You will. One day you'll wake up with gentle compassion and affection for yourself, the little girl within you, suffusing your whole self. It'll be beautiful  I'd like to feel that's evolving for me now.  Just acceptance,  without judgement, and being OK with my good, my bad, and my ugly.  It's me.... all of it.  And I'm leaning into being OK with it, bc not being OK isn't working... it's not helpful, or useful, or working for me.   I think I'll try something else for a while: ) 

Don't know if this makes sense, but I was in a chaotic situation yesterday, and it occurred to me that IF I HAD TO I could defend myself, and that felt empowering.  I didn't worry about it, or fret over it, or do what I usually do.... mentally wring m y hands over fears, I just knew, and I was happy to know, and felt like a resource I can count on.... for myself, and those I love.
 I think I've felt.... for over 10 years, that being able to handle myself/defend myself and vulnerable others was toxic, and harmful.... certainly it was presented as reason I should be imprisoned for 30 years.... and that's been a process to dismantle the fear around it.  I'm OK with it, today, which is new.  I haven't worried recently about anything to do with that.... and there were plenty of things that worried me.  I just know, and there's peace, and calm around it now, where there wasn't before.
 
Thanks for the response, Hops. 
Lighter


Hugs
Hops

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #123 on: February 22, 2019, 10:13:43 AM »
MIL sent 3 Valentine cards to oldest dd.... they arrived 3 days in a row.  MIL prints off the one letter, with a few changes, prints, deploys.  Busy busy busy.  DD is having none of it.  No interest. 

Watching Trump in the news is like watching my husband, and the ILs operate.  Very similar posturing, over the top lies delivered with straight faces, with heavy expectations for getting their way. 

::shudder::

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #124 on: February 27, 2019, 01:02:17 AM »
So my oldest dd began seeing a new T today, and I was relieved, grateful, and terribly anxious all at the same time about it.

WHile we were shopping for groceries at the local food coop, a man was taking photos of us with his phone, and trying to be sneaky about it.  I didn't find out until this evening when I saw a photo of me on my sister's phone, and asked why she took it.  She zeroed in on the guy in the back ground, said she caught him taking photos, and took a photo of him, which prompted him to drop his phone to his lap, and look away.  I'm glad she didn't tell me about it then, though I would have paid attention to where he went, and what he was driving, had I known.

Now, I'm not saying it was something nefarious, but I am saying it's odd timing with my MIL sending letter after letter to our address, and to my father's farm.  That's a lot interest, IME.  At least 5 letters I know about, and likely more.  Maybe he's an ammature photographer.... taking sneaky photos with his phone..... sure.  That's it. 

Also, oldest dd was out of school again today.  This guy has photos to prove it.

Lighter



Twoapenny

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #125 on: February 27, 2019, 04:14:15 AM »
Lighter, I'm sorry you've got this going on again.  I know in similar situations with my mum I was a bag of nerves; it feels as though everyone and everything around you could be a problem.  People photographing others without their knowledge is weird and unacceptable, whatever the reasons behind it.  I don't know whether it's better that he's doing it for your MIL or if he's just a regular pervert??!!  Neither are good options, are they?  Is it worth notifying the police, just to be on the safe side?  I don't know how proactive they are in the US.  Here, they did nothing at all when my mum was taking pics of my son outside a shop, I don't know if your police might at least file a report even if they don't investigate.  Can/has DD told grandparents she's not interested and not to contact again?  Again I don't know the situation over there - here kids are considered capable of decision making at 12 in family cases (although courts can over-ride their decisions) and by 16 onwards they'd definitely be considered capable of deciding what they want to do.  I'm just wondering if DD telling them no might have an effect.  It looks a bit like they know they're in their final throes and are trying to get a foot back in the door (my mum did the same with son turning 16 last year.  Interestingly, after telling all and sundry that I stole money from him for years, when I wrote to her last year returning her cheque and telling her I wouldn't be accepting it because I didn't want to lay myself open to any more allegations, she didn't tell a soul.  As far as anyone else is concerned I took the money.  Funny how they change things to suit themselves).  Anyway - I'm rambling.  Sorry to not be more help.  It's very difficult when the harassment is (a) difficult to prove and (b) isn't taken as a serious thing in its own way, despite the harm and upset it causes.  Whatever is going on, I hope things settle down for you soon xx

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #126 on: March 01, 2019, 10:47:58 AM »
Hi Tupp:

I went by the food coop and asked if anyone knew the guy taking photos.  I just said I'd lost his card, and did they know if he was a regular.  No one recognized him.  I don't think I'll contact the police, but it's an idea.  Could bring the letters, the final CUSTODY/VISITATION ORDER, the TPO, and the letters MIL wrote that pretty much sum up who she is, without having to say it myself, which appeals to me very much. 

This morning there have been 2 thumps from my second floor.... I checked the first time, and found an open window, so assumed wind blew something over.  The second thump... which sounded like an animal, maybe opossum sized, jumping down from a bit of a height.... the thump of front paws closely followed by back paws, which I don't believe it IS.  Just saying... that was the sound.  Nothing hard or sharp or wood hitting the floor.  Honestly, there's heating duct at that point, and it could have been from there even. 

Since the Pug baby girl isn't concerned, I'm thinking there's nothing animal or alive in the house, so still wondering... could be something dropping on roof,  many large trees with a bit of a breeze, and rain.....but it sounds closer than the roof. 

Could be animal in garage.... sometimes birds, and chipmunks get stuck for a minute.  It happens. Could be a hawk? 

With that, I'm just not worrying about the man taking photos, or the noise, just noticing how it feels to notice them.  My heart rate didn't go up at the first thumps.... the second thumps, however, made my hands shake.  ::sigh::  I'm not sure why, exactly, that did it, when the first did not.  Hmmm.

I'm pretty steady, and it's a relief to feel I've dropped expectations... just ready for whatever comes, with belief I'll handle it, whatever it is. 

I'm considering moving into a smaller space, and renting out this house.  I won't need it once oldest dd is at college, AND I'd like to pare down, like you're talking about.  I think it might take upheaval like that to purge stuff.  I have to do it at my father's as well. Radical change is sounding better and better right now.


Both girts need their wisdom teeth out, minimal, this summer, with maybe another procedure as well... tonsils. 

I don't think I'll ask oldest dd18 to write to her Grandparents.  I've forgotten the ILs, for now.  Neither dd is interested in connecting with them.  They seem to understand what they are.  I've emotionally pulled documents to SHOW them, should they forget.  I'm not putting time into actually putting my hands on all those documents, but have a file with MIL's letter offering up her son's baby hair to prove the girls weren't his. Utter nonsense, but how she's compartmentalized the children in order to do the harm she's done. 

Actually, I have many letters in that file, pulled from the Assistant District Attorney's files, which maaaayyyybe I'm not supposed to have?  Not sure, but the private detective I hired to get those files said she got a little time to comb through, and pulled the things we didn't already have, so everything is scattered, out of order, and just thrown into a file folder after hours of printing, helter skelter.  I'm just ready to be done looking at that stuff, and I know you know what I mean.  There are many strange letters from family, and mistresses.  Ready to file it, and maybe put it in a safe deposit box, out of my space.

::nodding::.

Just so ready, Tupp. 

When you have son's situation comfortable, and steady... maybe you can visit the cottage for a while.  The idea of sleeping with windows open, breeze blowing through, cold white wine shimmering in the moonlight, with a little fire oceanside on the patio brings peaceful thoughts.  Maybe you could Airbnb your place out while you're gone?  So many moving parts, but they're out moving parts, eh.  I can picture Amazon ceremonies.... releasing old energy..... making room for new. 

::nodding::.
Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #127 on: March 02, 2019, 12:20:14 AM »
They can't get you.
They can't hurt you any more.

They
really
can't.

You have built your mossy, peaceful place and you are safe.

You
really
are.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #128 on: March 02, 2019, 06:29:24 PM »
OK, Hops.

They can't get me anymore. 

Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #129 on: March 15, 2019, 02:56:14 PM »
DD graduates this year.  I'm feeling warm and fuzzy about touching photos, selecting ones that remind me of our best days....the ones I love, and creating something special for grad announcements.  My hands will tell me what to choose, what to add and what to take inspiration from.  I love mixed media, and handmade papers.  I look forward to turning around and finding myself surrounded by art supplies without realizing I put my hands on them.  I like being in the zone, playing in colors, and textures, and I have new water color pencils I haven't tried yet. 

I'm on a roller coaster right now, trying to spend more time feeling steady than I spend feeling overwhelmed, and doing pretty OK with it.  As I look at the process now, I realize I spend more time feeling flat, than up or down, and I have quite a bit of discomfort with it.

Lots of decisions coming up, and maybe big projects.... all with at least some risks.  Risk of choosing poorly, and having to live with the consequences... I judge myself very harshly, and that needs some attention. 

I guess lack of self trust is something I'm noticing.  Something I deal with next, and I'm not afraid of it.  Honestly, I think I'm, maybe..... bored with the idea of getting there, and dealing with it?  Maybe bored is the wrong word. 

I think i'm framing it wrong, for myself.  Maybe.

The frame I'm holding has "Oh, for fuck's sake" written on it, and has an emotional exhaustion.... component... I can't quite put my finger on.   Not just exhaustion, but frustration too.  Something more, too.

I don't multi task well, and maybe i'm attempting to shift from old living/thinking into new.... and I'm not managing it the way I'm going about it.

I don't think I can sustain the old vigilance, patterns AND add new one at the same time... and I think I haven't seen that pattern clearly.

Hyper vigiliance was helpful and useful.  There's no room for it any more.  At least not at that level. 

I suspect letting it go requires honoring and mourning it.   
Putting it to rest.
Whatever comes next needs it's own space.  Old stuff has to go.

I'm going to get a lovely cup of coffee, and contemplate photos, and theme for grad announcement while trying to remain mindful of what I'm feeling.


Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #130 on: March 15, 2019, 09:51:07 PM »
Buncha research, I read somewhere, has shown that multi-tasking is actually not peak performance, and instead drains the mind and takes the edge off pleasures and talents. So bravo for not being great at it!

There are times when we have no choice, but when we can do flow, as you are with art (invites)...flow's a much better, happier way to be a human being.

Glad you had hypervigilance available when it was a must, but keeping it around will just amp you on adrenalin and predispose you to illness. My own D developed Addison's disease and has about a quarter of one adrenal gland left.

Happy for you and DD about this threshold in her life. That's wonderful!

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #131 on: March 16, 2019, 01:25:30 PM »
Present for ya, Lighter:

Quote
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD9gSM2c-JY
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #132 on: March 17, 2019, 05:52:12 PM »
Thanks for your response, Hops:

I was never a great multi tasker on my best day.  SEEING what I've been trying to juggle over the years is way helpful in determining what's not working, and what needs to go. 

I can tell you, I've opened the garage door in this house for years, and could have opened onto zombies or a shootout without too much surprise.  Maybe any.  I think I would have rolled, or slipped or ducked without shock, or much adrenaline.  Maybe a..... feeling of....
finally.

I first noticed that  finally feeling in 2009.... heading into 2010. That first time something, that used to send alarm, and shock through me, didn't.  Instead I just felt.... finally.

Finally, what's coming will happen. It was a huge departure from how my nervous system handled threat up to that point.  I'd go from seated to standing without realizing it.  Amygdala hijacking my system, and acting. 

THIS, I realize now.... this FINALLY thing.... was my amygdala NOT hijacking my system.  It was either fatigued or I'd come to some kind of terms with reality.... acceptance.... no longer struggling to understand.... making peace with it, and knowing I'd handle it, whatever it was, and believing I could.  Death himself could have walked in the door, and I would have been expecting him, and unafraid.  That's not something I ever felt I'd feel, but I'm thinking it was necessary to get through, and on with life. 

I'll sort that into pieces soon.  Right now I'm riding a wave of energy in the kitchen.... it feels like sacred space as I light the pine incense, and little candles in candle holders I loved when I found, and collected them.  Sometimes I don't even see them, Hops.  Sometimes I'm clutter AND comfort blind.  It's that state of paralysis, and I'm sorting those pieces too. 

I stopped to enjoy a lovely salad, and it didn't slow my brain down, which certain foods will do. 

So, back to tidying: )

I'll watch the tiny house link when I slow down, ((Hops)).


Thanks,
Lighter

lighter

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #133 on: March 18, 2019, 01:37:22 PM »
OK, so choices.

I'm walking the pug baby, and she pulls me under and through some Hemlock trees, her chosen preference for walking humans.   I have to snap off a couple little twigs that might otherwise stab my eyes out. I notice how much I worry about eyes, and teeth.   It was a dry thin twig, and took only a little force, but the recoil snapped BAM and surprised me.    I look to see why thumb is screaming at me, and see an odd break in the skin.  Very small.  Very circular. You can see layers of skin pulled back like a bullyseye.... very odd.  Never seen anything like it, and I've had a lot of little painful breaks in skin.   OK.  Wow. SO PAINFUL. Then a tiny bead of blood appears.  OK.  Then it blooms into more blood.  OK.  It was like the recoil smacked a hole in the surface tension of my skin, and that must be was happens when the force of a bomb hits a person, concusses a body, and that's when it struck me.  I don't have to let that pain, and line of thought keep going.  I can act, and make my thumb feel better by running the meridian backwards at that point.  I did it.  Felt better, but more than that I don't have to let that negative train of thought continue, I don't really need thoughts like that in my head.  I prefer not to have them there.  I consciously go back to focus on the Pug, and yard, which I enjoy.   

I'm repairing a big patch of moss oldest DD slipped, and dislodged when things were freezing weeks ago. A big patch, maybe 2X1, and then I was muttering under my breath, again, about her not caring to replace it herself, she walks by it several times a day, it's right by the stairs she walks down from the deck, why was I the only one who cared?  Why don't the girls care, then stopped.   Again.  And chose to latch on to more positive thoughts.

I get back in the house, and begin stripping beds, and shower curtains.  I look forward to making everything clean, which is walking meditation restored, again, like yesterday's,  and I'm noticing and enjoying that.  Then I notice the big orange baby man's in the news, and bless his little heart, he so reminds me of just about every aspect of dealing with an ASPD that I'm once again muttering under my breath.  OY.  Really?  THIS is a pattern, this muttering under my breath, and allowing my focus to be hijacked.

 I turn the TV OFF, and go back to working.  I prefer the positive frame of mind.  I notice it when it's disturbed, and hope I'll notice and correct when I'm under more stress. 

I don't want to go through my life with no control over my thoughts.  I don't want negativity to be my default,  nope nope nope. 

Back to sheets..... keeping blood off the white sheets... jeesh.... getting a bandaid..... back to happy work. 

Flow, Hops: )

::nodding::.

Lighter






Hopalong

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Re: Mindfulness
« Reply #134 on: March 18, 2019, 06:16:13 PM »
Wow, Lighter.
You SIMPLIFIED it.
Simply noticed the direction and tone of the thoughts and redirected yourself.

I am so impressed. Three times.

Extended, intentional self-love! (I am inspired...)

Bravo, you!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."