Mindfulness

[lighter]

You SIMPLIFIED it.
Simply noticed the direction and tone of the thoughts and redirected yourself.


Hops

Yup yup yup, Hops.

::nodding::.

Just like a toddler; )

[Bettyanne]

It sure sounds very interesting.....I have six kids....my first 4 went to Catholic school....same as myself....I am sorry I ever let the kids go to Catholic school.....I had 12 years of it....mind control so much of it....your always a sinner and going to hell for normal kids things we all did.

This sounds like a great thing for kids...Mindfullness....
We all do this best we can.....I believe children of Narcs......not having real role models to follow makes life hard when we don't see healthy
I know my T says I wouldn't know normal if I fell over it.....

We just all try our best......
Bettyanne

[lighter]

So, I'm at ALDI'S 3 minutes before they open.... looking for a quarter.  Sibling coming into town this evening... need fresh veggies, etc. 

I didn't have a quarter... had to crawl around on the floorboard to find one for the cart.

The reason I don't have any quarters is bc I consistently leave them in the carts, about every third visit, bc it's a small way to pay it forward, and pass on good will.  Like paying the toll for the car behind you.... just very nice.

There's a lesson in this, and it's my lesson.  If we care more about others, forget the 51% rule, and give all our quarters away, we run out of quarters, and we did that.  We have to own it, notice it at every level we DO that in our lives, and fix it.   

[lighter]

Hours of picking weeds, sans distractions.... and I'm feeling pretty centered around confusing jumble of boundary transgressions I've allowed over the last 20 years.  Searching through how they happened, when they started, and why I allowed them.... certainly about the frog in slowly boiling water, and not in my face honest transgressions I could see coming a mile away.   

Giving people enough rope to hang themselves with is a terrible way to operate in relationships, IME.  I'm teasing out how that used to serve me, and how I'll utilize it, or not, going forward.  Exposing my throat, and hoping for the best in people to show up, is another terrible way to operate.  I'm trying to figure out how hope, and love of redemption for those who claim they want it, factor in to my choices in mates.  It's certainly a feature, and I think I have quite enough distance to look at from an observer's stance.

Dropping judgement helps.

A lot actually.

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, in those boundary situations, I've tried something new. I'll devote enough attention to watching how I FEEL - sans the usual analysis/perception going on - and then take the time, to decide if the feeling was just me being out of sorts or something like that; if I really own the feeling... or if the feeling is really that little voice warning me of the imbalance.

Then, I continue watching to see if it's always that way in that relationship or there is some reciprocity instead and perhaps my feeling was just my own sensitivity to certain things.

It's complicated for sure; not a perfect science. I get it wrong as often as right. But it definitely HELPS.

[lighter]

Hi Amber.

I'm trying your advice out this morning.
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Good luck! Sometimes it takes me as long as 24 hrs to figure out what's going on.

[lighter]

 I haven't found clarity yet, but hope to soon.

Interviewing parenting coaches right now. 

::crossing fingers::.

Lighter

[lighter]

Painfully blunt boundary lessons lately after dropping dd16 at school, running to DMV to get license renewed (2.5 hours) with 10 minutes to spare before home bound school meeting for oldest dd back at the school, then downtown for lunch, and happy connection at local artist gallery where dd and I meandered for an hour before I had to drop her then run back to school for meeting on Japan trip with youngest dd before running to first parenting coach meeting.


2.5 hours of very blunt lessons with Parenting Coach who invited youngest dd INTO the meeting, which is how I saw that going anways.  DD16 and I  both quite shocked by the.... bluntness of the boundaries.  Honestly, I'm not sure I ever understood what a hard boundary looks like.

There have to be limits, and I'm right there, standing on them, and noticing sometimes I don't know what I'm standing on as I'm standing. Revelation, honestly.

Good news is DD18 put a good plan in place for finishing senior year, earlier that day.  Anxiety, and depression are something she's going to have to learn to deal with, and overcome, like everyone else.

I realize I'm typically held hostage by the girls' valleys, and that's MY thing to deal with, and overcome.

I have another appointment, with different Parenting Coach.  Will be interested to hear if it's exact same, or different.  Will attend without youngest this time... this time just for me.

Switching back to Thursday evening's parenting coach appointment....  DD16 and I were a few minutes late coming from Japan meeting... dd going very soon on school trip, and we wheeled into the wrong parking lot.  I left DD the keys, and money for parking, figured out the quickest way TO the front door was UP a very steep 2 part hill, so dug my heels in, and hustled to the appointment, which was harder still, bc T not listed ANYWHERE, and she finally picked up the phone.  Just a lot of chaos, which seems to me is typical in my life.

Building was an old girl's school.... very historical, and charming and brick, with high ceilings, and cool fireplaces, and trim. Loved it.  So, I get UP the hill, find the T, and we have very long meeting... we were her last appointment....  we get out by 9:30 PM, and I'm too tired to go BACK DOWN the hill, so I ask how to get out at so that we're at the right level.  T leads us downstairs, and we pop into an empty parking lot at the back of the building. 

We don't see the car. We're tired, and having trouble orienting.  DD treks off in wrong direction, away from car. 

I realized we're in the wrong lot, and there are 10', 6', and 4'  retaining walls leading to our lot, only. Suddenly, I'm longing for the steep embankment again.

Good grief..... I'm looking for another way around, and DD insists we can do this.... and I KNOW we can, but must we?  And she's lining herself up, as I'm thinking of all the things that can go wrong.... her knees, my shoulders.  DD launches,  and sticks the landing. 

Her legs are considerably longer than mine, I notice, as I'm lining up the same launch.  The grounds still seems pretty far away,  even with legs a'dangling, and then I shift all weight to my hands.  All systems CHECK.

Something I didn't pay attention to was my coat sleeves.... doubled over folded, and the left slips.   My hand violently shifts OFF the wall, and there's HUGE motion in the air (I don't know what it is, bc my body does all it can do to remedy the situation, it's FAST) and I find myself on hands and knees, dress thrown over my head, but otherwise safe. 

 DD is standing there, facing me, hands raised as though to help.  We laugh as dd explains she saw "legs splayed spread eagle in the air, blue panties", and then I was "suddenly in a ball" on the ground, ass out. 

Somehow I stuck the landing, but for Pete's sake.....MUST THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME, over and over and over again.  I feel as though it was a very good lesson in boundaries, and I failed miserably. 

Attempts to piece together the flinging in the air, and landing always send us off in peels of laughter, so we aren't sure how that happened, but I'm reminded......

boundaries.

::nodding::.

Sometimes making up our minds to insist on better options,  asking for them, and receiving less than required is an opportunity to INSIST on more options, even if it's not the easiest, or brings up discomfort at asking,when others want us to just say YES.

::shaking head::.

Took youngest dd downtown today, and she commented I was being "mean" to her.  What I was doing was pointing out that I didn't want to go over the wall, or allow her to spend the night with a particular friend.  I wasn't being mean, I was stating a boundarie, without emotion, and truly she wasn't used to hearing "NO" out of me. 

We spoke till we both felt understood, then agreed we'd be kind to each other.... careful with each other.  Mindful.

The journey continues. 



I've been very busy, and away from the board.  Not ignoring.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, you amaze me in the way you turn many events and many moments into an opportunity for epiphany, allegory and metaphor.

That's a very poetic way to be! It's beautiful and hopeful, to seek meaning as you do.

I loved the wall story. Ass over teakettle! Glad you and young DD made peace.
You are living so consciously.

Kudos and hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.

I continue to be a sucker for hope.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

It's great that you can all work on this together, Lighter.  I know I find it hard to not 'do' for son in many respects.  A part of me still thinks of him as a child that needs to be kept safe.  To a certain extent I suppose part of being a parent is that our kids will always be children in some way to us - I don't think that changes.  So it's lovely that you're able to work back and forth with the kids and see what needs doing and what can be left - even with your arse in the air   Lol.

Boundaries are difficult with kids.  You make all their decisions when they're little, then let them make some choices, then give them more freedom - it's hard to know where the lines are and whether you're helping or hindering at times.  I know I struggle with it.  I struggle with walls, as well.  Lol.  Let us know how the next class goes, it will be interesting to hear if there's a different perspective or if they're all singing from the same sheet. xx

[lighter]

Tupp::

I can't wait to compare notes with the parenting coaches either.  At a point I'll choose one, and ride her through this phase.

I felt better after that first session.

Lighter

[lighter]

I have....
The Cold, as youngest dd used to say.

So miserable. 

This morning I woke up listening to something rattle around in my bronchial tubes.... I breath out.... something followed it, and rattled and rattled and rattled, like a cranky knome waking from a deep sleep.   Honestly.... my mouth was a speaker.

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to Sona Clinic, which rocks.  LOVE LOVE LOVE the folks there.  Official dx is upper respiratory viral infection, but I went in bc it feared pneumonia.  He said it's nothing to do with my lungs, but looked shocked while attending to my ears, and nose, which weren't bothering me much frankly.

He wanted to unplug my ears, and I typically ONLY see an ENT guy for that these days, bc they have the tools, don't hurt me, and get the job done in seconds, not painful wet loud minutes, which is what it turned into. 

This set up, a squirt bottle with tube attached, and insert for ear, (never seen THAT one before) started out with very cool water, which I felt would just solidify things, and make the job harder.  There was a lot of back and forth.   OK... I'm skipping to the end.... he'd pull the trigger, softly at first, then harder and harder till it felt like he was making a ticked off hole in one inner ear spot, and finally got ears cleared.  There wasn't much IN there, IME, but doc seemed to think it was necessesary. 

The entire rest of the day my brain felt like it was being stuck with pins... I was weepy, which is so so rare, and actually cried over sushi, then into a shopping trip for youngest dd's trip to Japan today.  Poor dd16.... such a lovely spirit, and very comforting, which drove me nuts bc I don't want her to have this terrible cold during her trip!

I think the whole weepy thing was about feeling afflicted the past 13 years, then this very real affliction I'm trying to shield everyone from... lots of alcohol wipes, and reminders not to touch faces..... then past the Build a Bear shop...memories..... I saw a terrible article about a man harming his fiance's dog, which lead to such trauma dog had to be put down, then our waiter was so self deprecating, you just KNEW someone made him feel bad for being alive his entire childhood, and there was no calming down until I took advil, which calmed the pain, and damn, yesterday was just a very hard day, ending at midnight.

So glad yesterday is over.

DD at airport by 4:30am, with a stop at Walmart for last minute things.  I think she's prepared, well packed, which she did on her own, and ready for this adventure. 

She takes amazing care of her skin.... every single night, and morning.  She's soft as a baby, honest.  I was amazed at all she had to pack, in special little glass blue bottles for travel.... like a tea ceremony..... where did she get that self care routine from?  Just glad she has it.

AC isn't blowing cold in the house. 

All 6 tons of rocks are down, and look great.  Have to get more delivered to create meandering dry creek beds through the mulch beds, and into the forest, but the places I needed covered are covered.

I wish I was organized enough to have 8 tons of stones dropped at once, and just handle it.  I think I need it to be in 3 dumps, which only adds 70.00 in delivery fees..... but worth not being so overwhelmed. 

DD texted her first flight to Washington had her seated next to her ex bf, which wasn't weird, bc she's been going out of her way to make things more normal the last couple weeks.  He can look at her, and converse now.  Smile, even.  That's good, bc he's part of her friend group, and didn't want him hanging alone, or with people he doesn't know.

I'm taking 500 Vit C twice a day.  Drinking plenty of fluids.  Chicken soup.  Nyquil, of course, and Dayquil too.

Hope everyone else is flu and cold free. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

For next time...here's something I learned while working at Prevention Mag books:

The MOMENT you first feel symptoms, take 2-3 capsules of echinacea (have it on hand!), and begin popping a dissolvable zinc lozenge every three hours.

Ime, doing this with dedication for three days either:

--kills the cold virus and it goes away (about 75% of the time), OR

--shortens the duration of a cold that slips through (some will) by several days
(If you do get a bad one, NETI POT is a huge help.)

I've been amazed by it, but it's been a consistent effect for years.

Hope you feel better fast, Lighter.

Hugs
Hops