Tupp: I don't know what will happen to the paperwork. I know I'll start pulling out boxes, SEE something that's meaningful to me.... a document, an ORDER, an Agreement, or e mail, and that will set me on a task. I feel as though I'll be pulling specific things to SHOW my girls when and if they have questions. An organized file, and then I'll see what comes next. There will be emotions, and there will be reactions, and there will be ADD tangents from one box to another. Maybe something positive will come of it. Not sure, but they have to leave the home. I could bag them, and put them under the house, I suppose, but isn't that still bad juju in our space?
I'm looking forward to the day we can be free of all this paper, Tupp. Free in every way we can be free.
About early trauma, Tupp....
The girls have been referred to a neurofeedback specialist. Maybe research it a bit, and see if it might help you, bc you deserve relief from yours too. It changes the brain.... the mid brain. It can be soothed, and trained, and brought back into balance. At least, that's what I've been told, and I want to believe that.
IF ONLY I COULD SCAN all these papers and be able to find stuff after. It's huge, and involved, and makes me feel out of control... not being able to put my hands ON things.... papers I'm familiar with when and if I need them again. That's tough. I always dreamed of having it on computer, and at my fingertips. I don't suppose that's possible. The scanner I purchased, to get through the custody trial, died. What. A. Mess. That was, but it got the job done. I'm amazed at all the evidence evil people make and leave behind. Amazed that they operate like it doesn't exist. Operating as though their truth trumps all, and sometimes we think it does, but that's not true. Never has been. They're still guilty, and evil, and everyone who can see, is willing to see, can see it.
I really think I need this evidence though. The idea of not having it..... is unthinkable. I'm not sure what I'll do with it. So, back to pulling the really important things... the must have things... then burning the rest. That sounds about right, honestly. It feels right too. Will see.
Oh this beautiful day.... I've blown yard stuff around, sucked it up, watered it, and tried to plan gravel on the path where it's muddy...... ordered 72sf of TRUEGRID ECO 1" deep permeable pavers, which is like ordering a frame to hold gravel in place on walkways, driveways, in yards, and slopes, etc. Gravel won't get swept away, or blown into leaves and moss. I can put larger stones along sides to hide the black framework.... I feel pretty good about it.
If you can't picture it... think of a milk crate, and a black plant tray having a baby. Sort of.
Youngest dd and I picked up a few rocks from a construction site. I love construction sites. There was one in my old State that was PERFECT. I really miss it.
Bought three white Encore Azaleas from the grocery store, and it makes me happy to think about placement. I'm thinking about pulling the purple and red azalea bushes, bc they're old, spindly, and bright red and purple. I'll try to save them, and plant them out back, but not sure how successful that'll be.
I'm trying to focus on me.... considering a retreat, but not sure what kind that would be.
I should meditate more, but there's resistance. Not sure what that's about, but will pay attention to it.
I wish there was some kind of business we could build on all this...... experience, Tupp. Wouldn't that be something?
Lighter