Another appointment with Therapist D. She's putting pieces together... familiar pieces... moved around, presented in different ways, at different times. She explains WHY things work, after she presents them, and she's so happy about the WHY. It worked for her, and she wants to share her freedom, her expanded interior space, her restoration of choice, and happiness.
It's a lovely way to SEE how to put radical acceptance, mindfulness, and somatic attention INTO practice for myself, when I need it most. When I need it most my limbic system is in charge, and denying access to higher brain thinking. Trying to think my way through seems logical, but it's impossible...
until...
I put my finger on my nose, breath into the bottom of the vase at the bottom of my diaphram, then fill
that
vase.
Slowly....
then release the air...
slowly, and tune into what I feel inside...
put my hand on it.....
name it, and search for the feeling under it.
Or not.
It's the breathing into it.... breathing space into that tightness....
providing expanding space around it....
paying attention to the space beside me, above me, below me, and occupying it.... bringing it inside.
And then I notice the tightness in my chest and abdomen eases up. The strangling feelings in my throat soften and receed. Space is around and in that area, and it's so
much
better.
I have to remember to put the stories on the shelf, and breath self compassion into that space. There's no room for stories here.... just being here.... being home.... now.
Today I practice what I want for my tomorrow.
If I want anxiety, and sadness, I practice those things today.
If I want relief, spaciousness, and a functional life....
I breath, pay attention to my inner world, embrace it all, good, bad and ugly, and name it.
Invite it in, which is familiar, and helpful in the past, but NOW I understand why, and where it's leading. It's the next step to overcoming the fight or flight shut down, spiral, static, chaos.... and shifting OUT of it.
Understandig the shift. Understanding things will get better, and I have control over it is really helpful.
Understanding lasting change can happen in between 1 to 2 months... helps.
I don't have to start over again and again and again. I can build on what I've got, and wire new pathways forever. They'll be mine, and it's like a rock's been moved from a tiny stream. The trickle CAN get through, but I can't let the rock roll back into it's comfortable place.
The PAT..... again.... Postive Affect Tolerance. There's a default setting of vigilance, and anxiety that has to be identified, embraced, and soothed, until I replace it.... until I can cultivate default settings I'm happy with.
Maybe some stories are true, and that's the case for me. I'm not in a war zone, but I'll be dealing with sabotage, and legal heinous fuvckery for many years to come, as will my children, and then there's the misogyny, and people in positions of power preying on those with no power.
And I hear about it when I turn on the tv, or radio. I react, when I want to respond. I'll be more capable IF I can calm the chaos, put down the story, and deal with what's in front of me right now.
That might not make sense, but it makes sense to me right now: )
Lighter