lostinspace:
You feel unwelcome in your son's family, and maybe that's true, in this moment. Maybe it's not entirely true? I can't know from here.
Draw back... pretend you're floating high in the sky, and look down on yourself. IF you were another woman suffering with these circumstances, what would you tell her? What advice would you give?
I fear you're clinging to expectations, for you MIL, DIL, and son, that aren't realistic. Your MIL will never accept you, and it doesn't matter why she's cruel, and obstructionist. It only matters that it's so. She's broken, and she can't do better, or she would, likely.
Let that expectation go. Just let it fall away, and turn to more productive activities with your energy.
If you pull back, and look down on everyone involved.... what do you see?
Right now you feel despair, see no paths to connection..... and that may be true in this moment.
Consider that you're face might be pressed against the glass... that you're too close to see clearly. It's just looking.... suspending judgement around the situation, and trying on curiosity....slipping into observation mode, as you can.
Calm yourself. Breath. Have a cup of tea. Feel your feet on the floor, where you are. Feel the warm cup in your hands. There's comfort in small things, even if we have trouble finding it. It's there.
Practice self care.... just sit with the difficult feelings and let them wash over you. Cry. Feel the sadness and loss, and let them fully inhabit your heart.
Are you safe in this moment? Are the people you love safe? This is something real you can hold onto in this moment, and finding a way back into your son's life may be managed.... just not by any means you've tried.
What do you think makes your MIL tick? Is she jealous, or fearful, or just plain mean and stingy..... without reason?
And I believe you if your intuition tells you it's simply malice based on nothing you can identify. Some people are marked by their own childhoods in ways we can't see, but are made to feel, just the same.
If you can, try to hold this woman with compassion in your heart, if you can, and shift into observation mode..... what do you see now?
Breath.
Get curious, if you can.
What do you think that toxic woman went through to make her behave this way? I'm guessing it's something very terrible, and impossible to know. What's certain is she inflicts her pain onto others.... she transfers her aggression.... and others suffer bc of it. You're suffering bc of it, and your desire for things to change, and be different.
That much you can know, without doubting.
I wonder what your DIL's experience is. Your son's?
If you can have compassion for her... for the terrible way she lives.... and how it must feel to have to live that way.... maybe you can step out of feeling powerless, and at her mercy, and find something else to feel?
You'll have more luck shifting the situation IF you feel you have some ability to act, and change your situation, IME.
Nothing stays the same, lolstinspace. This situation can't remain exactly the same.... something will shift. If you can remain neutral.... be a safe place for your son, DIL and grandchild to go to.... without judgement..... they may come to you sooner than you expect. Don't return the negative energy. Not that you have. I'm not saying you have,but it would be difficult not to, IME.
And I don't know what happened recently, for you, but I believe you when you say you feel all is lost. I believe you've been treated badly, and driven away...... for now.
Know, you raised your son with love, and he remembers that. He doesn't likely feel good about what's going on, and maybe he's working to bring peace, and reconnection.
Maybe?
And what if all IS lost? What if you'll never reconnect again? Can you accept that, let it sink in without letting it slide away, and see if it shifts into something else? Sometimes what we fear holds us hostage, until we turn to face it, and stare it down calmly... without judgement, but with curiosity.
Sometimes, when we face our worst fears, and explore them.... just hold them in our minds gently, and without fear or judgement....it DOES shift into something else, IME.
I'm not saying to to deny the anger, or fear, or grief... I'm not. It's perfectly reasonable, and yours to process, however you choose.
I'm saying to consider letting them take you, wash over you, and have you.... without evading it..... without judgement...... to remaining open to those feelings shifting, and forming into something else.... something better, with more power, and calm, and creative energy to shift what you can in the circumstances.
If that doesn't make sense, it's OK. It doesn't have to. It likely wouldn't have made any sense to me 10 years ago.
Know that I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is real, and I hope it gives you some small comfort to read.
I wish you more of what you want, and the courage/ and intestinal fortitude to meet, and overcome the challenges that keep you from it.
What you've been doing isn't working. Accept that truth, and let it be what it is without despairing... as you can manage.
Accept you won't get what you want, and maybe you can shift, find other ways to interact, and get what you need?
Maybe not, but I so wish the best possible outcome for you, lostinspace.
Lighter