Author Topic: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble  (Read 348 times)

lighter

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Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« on: December 17, 2018, 10:43:30 AM »
My father passed, and both Siblings experiencing recent health issues.  One gallbladder, the other renal distress.  Of course I'm knee deep in need.  Needing them to make better choices, etc.  I try to surrender into acceptance, but I'm not very consistent with it.

I have a few paperwork issues to focus on, and finish.  I'm surprised at the low stress level around them.  I should care more, but don't.  In some ways it's a good thing.  In others, it's probably not.  I think less care = improved mental health.  More distance from old reactive patterns.  My office is in pretty good shape.  Never better.  Will see how this goes.... I recognize self sabotage in the paperwork.  It's a significant reality for my.  It needs attention.

I can't put my finger on the health scare feelings.  Fear we're all 3 crumbling.  It's irrational, but it sometimes feels like we're ending, bc our parents are gone, and the story doesn't know where to go, on an emotional level.  It doesn't make sense, but pops up now and again. 

There are reckonings on the way, is another "feeling." What have our coping strategies done to us?  Honest self reflection is necessary, but so so hard.  We all cope in such different ways. 

And.... I feel like I'm on an edge.  Like something is going to pop up for me, though my coping strategies are more about shutting down, and isolating.  They used to be about hard physical activity...for years, so I'm also feeling like relatively healthy habits....no soft drinks, dependence on junk food/chemicals, will safeguard my health to a certain degree.  I just went to dentist.  I really feel brushing with baking soda at bedtime is helpful.  Things are holding their own.  If dental and gut health are important to immune systems, I feel pretty sturdy about mine, when pulling myself out of a spiral of worry. 

I realize I'm conflicted, and should hunker down and take really good care of myself, and responsibilities.  THAT'S the right path.  That should be where my focus cgies when I'm conflicted, and worrying in many directions.  I'm paying attention to the feelings, and impulses.  Trying to come back to center when worrying about things I can't control. Whew.  Circular, but necessary.  I think I'm a fairly simple creature, easily made dizzy by other people's complexities.  Maybe.

I remember posting about making peace with the decisions my family members make, and I feel like I can see what's coming, speak my piece, am dismissed always, then what I feared happens, and that's always going to be frustrating, imo.  It's pretty much truth. 

People are funny.  Set in their ways.  I am too, and I see some negative patterns I'm addressing....need to address.  My time is better spent talking to someone who listens.  Me.

There's something about not being heard, when in what feels is a very dire situation.  I can see how my needing to be understood, and helpful is one of my coping strategies as I move through this.

I wonder how much of this pattern, of not being heard, is my part.  Do aI set that up?  Am I comfortable there?

Decidedly NO.  No comfort there, but I have the feeling that self care will lead to improved ability to be heard, which makes sense

People don't like to be convinced or told what to do/ believe/give up/replace, or how to begin.

They want to come to their own conclusions, and part of being heard is removing expectation when we share. 

I struggle with that, more in situations involving fear.

The medical study is a double edged sword for me.  I NEED it.  To be able to heal and help.  Not being able to blink and make it so ......learning takes time, practicing takes time and it's toll, bc of the not being heard stuff.  I struggle to keep my head above water, meaning keep it positive, where my feet ARE, etc. 

That's a big one.  Rooting myself in the moment is finding the zone.  How easy is it to drop it, and stray comes and goes, depending on the day/what's going on around me, and staying in the zone comes with blowback guilt/shame reactivity.  Lessons we see again and again can be so stubborn getting through.

Lord, I do get so tired of myself.

Ales, I feel your thread has me reflecting on my year, and I thank you for sharing if you get this far.

Lighter












Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2018, 06:07:53 PM »
Lighter,
I'm responding to this difficult parabola with a sympathetic memory.

I remember that in the aftermath of an overwhelming decade of family meltdown and stress and loss I felt literally like a hyper-vigilant organism who expected things to change, but who because of recent experience, in the strange logic of emotion expected it NOT to be good.

It has been a monumental effort to try to find some kind of stasis that did not involve fear, simmering anxiety, constant tension over anticipated even if undefined threat, and so forth.

I swear, there's civilian PTSD.

May 2019 prove us all the more relaxed recipients of good things happening. Can we imagine that? I can, a few minutes a day...

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2018, 07:19:08 PM »
I did a balance today... had to.  I'm just so sick of myself feeling flat. 

Sick of caring that others don't get my intentions, and whatever.

I so want to not notice, or care.

On the upside, I'm very busy, and might have the paper work problem under control.  It's as big a nightmare as I thought it would be AND there's another law firm involved.  I have to say, the attorney is shocked that I have all this paperwork, and can't get the problem taken care of WITH the management company.  Something about Miami management groups.  They're difficult to get hold of.  They pass the buck.  They don't want to get involved in their job, or problem solve problems they create.  Maddening, but I shouldn't be surprised.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2018, 07:42:32 PM »
Yikers.
Your life is complex enough to involve lots of bureaucracy interaction.
That's hard. I bet extra hard for you.

Maybe for me, involuntary simplicity has its bright sides.

(Back to watching Tiny House videos...Minimalism videos...etc. So peaceful.)

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2018, 08:54:17 AM »
I really like tiny houses too, Hops. 

Did you see the little trailer house, in Japan, with the two ladies living in it?  Utilitarian, and so beautiful!

I'm tying up loose ends before Christmas break in Canada begins tomorrow.  For some reason, days of eating healthy salads turned into a morning of self sabotage gobbling dark chocolate covered caramels sprinkled with sea salt and cashews.

And a perfect cup of whole milk laden coffee.

I really miss milk.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2018, 12:01:07 PM »
No, missed that one! I like to follow Living Big in a Tiny House (because he's so charming) and anything by Kirsten Dirksen, who also films unique urban and other minimalist ideas in Europe (her husband's Italian, and she's a professional filmmaker).

I get you on the dairy...I cracked the other night and devoured a pint with cereal. Delish, but OOF. Noticed to my surprise that I felt bloated after. I don't have any real intolerance but have felt a bit better without it. But soy milk still doesn't taste great in black tea!

My last brag about the borscht. I had one serving left and dumped in a cut-up vegan sausage. Oh my. It was delish.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2018, 11:05:17 PM »
Ok.  Here's a wonderful way to eat veggies on the grill.

Chop garlic, hot peppers to taste, add oregano and fresh chopped basil to make marinade.  Add olive oil, a bit of balsamic vinegar, and salt/pepper.

If you can get the big meaty mushrooms, and like them, clean them with dry paper towel ..knock off any dirt, and trim the stem.  Place in large baggy, add marinade, and toss till coated well. 

When grilling you can place more marinade in the cap.... everything steams, and the flavor is amazing.  No need to turn them, but keep eye on.  We started hot then turned grill down pretty quick.

Peppers, zucchini sliced long ways into 3 pieces, eggplant... it's all good this way, and very satisfying.  Makes great leftovers too!

I didn't get a chance to make the borscht, but the cabbage is waiting at home still.

I put an entire load of clothes on my new drying rack, and it worked really well guys.  Somebody thought that one all the way through!

Lighter 

Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2018, 04:47:16 PM »
Super yummy indeed! But I have no grill.

Can't believe you got the drying rack! Oh my inner ridiculousness... :lol:

Hope you enjoy using it, Lighter.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2019, 10:59:17 AM »
I have everything I need to make the borscht.

It's rainy, and chilly here.  Not cold.  I think this dish will be comforting. 

The Super Host with Airbnb is heading to the cottage this weekend, then again in February.  I have to pack things I want her to take, buy a label maker, and write up things to include on the website.   

The good thing is, family, and friends are going pretty regular now.  People check on things, and leave things better than they found them.  It's good to have people in and out, and one has a boat, which is amazingly helpful with bringing in things. 

The journey continues.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2019, 09:27:23 PM »
I had so much sour cream left over from the borscht that I've been squirting it into all sorts of things.

Oatmeal when I was out of soy milk. (Did I tell you I'm 95% off dairy? If I'm out somewhere I won't turn it down, but I'm not buying it for home any more, borscht excepted. Had to make the transition to soy milk in my morning black tea, just not the same. But told myself...just do it for two weeks and it'll be normal. That worked fine, no suffering, no deprivation. I'm off added sugar too, now only stevia.)

Tomato soup tonight finished it off. (The sour cream.) Yummm.

Grateful for these small pleasures.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2019, 03:31:53 PM »
I didn't get to make the borscht, but I have all the ingredients on the counter, sans sour cream, for when I get home this evening.

I look forward to having the kitchen to myself. 

Hops, as far as dairy replacements go, you might try grass fed ghee in your coffee.  It's by far the best replacement I've found, and is good for cooking, and good for you too.  You can't say that about anything else dairy, IME.  Your stores might have some in stock.  If not you can shop on Amazon, which is where I get mine.... EAT GOOD FAT.  So delicious, and almost carmelized in flavor.  Really a nice product: )





Hopalong

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Re: Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble
« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2019, 08:03:50 PM »
Ghee's still dairy though, Lighter.
Cows/water buffalos/bison...still wind up slaughtered when their production drops.

That's my main reason, so for me, not a solution.
But it's okay. I'm slowly adapting to the soy stuff.
And occasionally another sort of nut milk.

I'm not abstinent nor virtuous, given all the inconsistencies and stuff...just trying to remain honest with myself about my main motivation. Better for me anyway. (Think I told y'all once about the time on a farm when I helped the manager separate a field of mothers and veal calves, and listening to them all crying for each other for days. Then realized. It was mothers. Babies. That's when the seed got planted. I'm okay with it. Just sorry it took me so long to let it lead choices.)

I eat lots of avocados though~they don't yell loud enough. And sardines. No compassion for sardines.

 :?

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."