Author Topic: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???  (Read 84 times)

Bettyanne

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Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« on: March 18, 2019, 03:03:25 PM »
I have had a friend.....her name is Dolly.   If I speak about my mother or repeat it at times about my mother....she says I know this...or I don't want to go there....but yet she can continue to tell stories about her cousin or her family....that I have heard many times before..
I had stop speaking with her about 3 years ago because she would repeat my stories about my kids etc to her daughter who is a therapist and to her son who is a green beret in the service.  To the point I couldn't understand why would my business being repeated to her kids?? She told me her son was going to come beat up my son, I thought omg...this is nuts.
( I have six kids, I don't tell any of them about her....I don't think they would even be interested in knowing about her or her family) One of my own daughters is a therapist too...I wouldn't even think to tell her business to her!!!
So about two months ago I started talking with her again.....so here we go again.  My husband has stage 4 prostate cancer.....I got a lot on my plate....this woman is a nurse....so knows everything....right omg. 
So here we go again.....she tells me she doesn't want hear about my mother.....nor my kids....I thought wow....I need to end this again.  I started to think it sure reminds me of my mother.....my own mother would never talk about uncomfortable subjects.....like never tell me about life as a kid....when I asked if she would tell me about sex......she said no lone told her and she wasn't telling me.  I could go on and on as she didn't want to talk to me hardly about anything except herself making a big deal over herself. (narc)
I started seeing Dolly is reminding me that she has similar traits like my own mother did......so I need to stop talking with her again and end this so called friendship?
Please let me know what you think....Sincerely, Thank you Bettyanne

Hopalong

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2019, 06:26:00 PM »
That's well described, Betty Anne.

It may be she feels drained by your sad/stressed/negative feelings about your family. Or infected by your agitation or anxiety over them. I get that.

I used to drain friends like they were washtubs. Took me forever to understand that my emotions had an impact on people around me. It didn't mean I didn't deserve friendships.

But it did mean I had to intentionally find new additional (not replacement) sources of support, so I could spread around my huge neediness.

I stopped shaming myself for needing support. I just faced it. I really did. (Hey, I've been on this board for many years now!). But I started understanding that some people (whatever the label, friend/acquaintance/whatever) -- couldn't hold it for me or with me. They'd heard too much. My stuckness and repetitions of the same old agonies triggered their frustration.

They weren't mean. They were drained. So my task to to "spread it around" and find MULTIPLE sources of support because I needed a LOT. That's when I found a women's support group, got into therapy, went to a church, joined groups there where you could "come as you are" emotionally, did some volunteering.

With your husband's serious cancer now you may barely have time for all that, and you must be under a lot of stress. The time WILL come when there's room for you to find all the strength and support you need. Now may be more of a mental survival marathon.

But everything does change in life. Even marathons end.

So as you can, whenever you can, "spread it around" (a little venting here, a little venting there...and STOP venting with someone who's ordering you to not speak about something). Find all those other sources of support one at a time as soon as you can. Maybe a caregivers' support group. There are all sorts of things if you hunt some down. Your time may not allow much new activity, but take whatever you can into your routine that is support.

As to that friendship? I dunno. Only you can decide if on average, if it hurts more than it helps. It's awfully painful to let a friend go....but it also happens in most lives at one time or another. I've done it a couple times when something began to feel so stuck or toxic that I knew I should release relying on that person.

Have faith. Keep on taking care of yourself. Don't give up. All things change and the painful things will too.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 06:40:56 PM »
Hi BA:

I think you got it right when you stopped talking to this "friend" a while back.  You could refile her, now, and keep conversations about things that don't include your kids, or mother, but talking about them is obviously a problem.

Honestly, this friend might be someone you can reach out to when you need support around your husband's illness, and some symptoms.  A nurse who knows a lot about this can really help keep you level... help you understand what's happening, or about to happen, IME.

If you can't find a way to be content with the friendship this gal offers... if you can't adjust your expectations so you aren't consistently disappointed, then maybe the friendship still won't work.  It's OK to refile people in our lives according to trust levels, and lessons learned.  Things change, and it's not always someone's fault. 

(((Betty Anne and family))) 

Lighter

Bettyanne

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 08:55:15 PM »
Thanks for your replies......
I feel I need to move on from this situation.  I think as far as my NM goes.....only another daughter of a N would truly understand.  Not easy to deal with these mothers.  My own T said she was never a mother in true sense of the word.  I suffered lots of abuse I am sure like you as well. I see this friend isn't a true friend.  Its not a two way street.....she makes up the rules and its ok for me to listen to her but doesn't want to hear from me.  She also had been house bound....not going out....sleeping on sofa at night......ordering food.....she is very depressed.  Her husband rented an apartment her wishes....and now feels sorry for herself.  Its been on and off like this for years with her husband who she says is brilliant.  I don't think I can handle what is happening with her nor can she help me at the time.  I wish her well.....I really do but with my own hands full with my husband.....I can't do it.....especially the way I am talked too!!!
I will take your advice and will listen if she calls.....but I will no longer share where I'm at.....
Thanks friends......Bettyanne

Bettyanne

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2019, 03:56:30 PM »
It has been a few weeks since I heard from Dolly......neither one of us have called each other.....of course I feel bad about it.....but I thought perhaps it is a good time for me to set my own boundaries which I never had with my NM.  It was never easy for me to block her or stop talking with her since I was brainwashed since birth. 
I find myself realizing this was not a healthy friendship with Dolly nor my own NM.  Actually Dolly which I talked over with my own Therapist is similar to my own NM.  So I am not calling her and moving on myself where ever that way goes??
My husband and  I had good news yesterday that the cancer that had spread in my husband is gone....and now just the final amount of cancer left in the prostate to go.....I am so grateful for this news. It will be a few months to go.....of chemo etc

I really see even at my old age of 75 never too old to learn a boundary and making decisions that are healthier. 
Thanks, Bettyanne

Hopalong

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2019, 06:40:09 PM »
GOOD JOB, BETTYANNE!
YOU GO, WOMAN!
WHAT AN AMAZING LEAP OF GROWTH!
DAMN, THAT'S FANTASTIC!

What an absolutely amazing update.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2019, 02:09:14 AM »
BettyAnne, that's such good news about your hubby, I'm so pleased for you both.  And sometimes it is just time to let a friendship go and just not calling again can be the way to do that.  Never too late to set boundaries or put yourself first and I'm really glad to read some positive news :) xx

lighter

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Re: Is a friend a friend or not a friend???
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2019, 01:43:32 PM »
That's great news BA! 

So glad your dh is doing well: )

Lighter