Author Topic: 2019 Farm Life  (Read 2334 times)

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2019, 09:30:40 PM »
Yeh.
Do drive him to the help he needs. Now would be good

Why wait to be snowed in with him?

It's not mean. It's adult.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #16 on: January 20, 2019, 12:48:07 PM »
Wow. This guy is totally off the wall. Holly & he just left, don't know if I convinced him to go to the hospital for the psych eval (a requirement for the center he chose first) or NOT. I almost don't care.

This morning he told me that Hol and her friend were using heroin. Which I know is an absolute lie. Maybe he's just angry with me, I really don't care about that. He's been making Hol & me miserable and anyone else who is around - uncomfortable - because he goes off into these emotional tailspins and lashes out verbally. Even asking him a question to clarify pieces of his story. Friend John (Hol's known him since HS) was the target of most of the attacks. Having been an RN, and the second person to point out that this guy was manipulative of Holly, we removed a lot of sharp objects. This guy had pics of where he'd been cutting himself.

Holly was MISERABLE because she really wanted to help him, but after a month he still couldn't make a basic decision about any future steps. So, I TOLD him, what my advice was and that he simply couldn't stay here any longer. I am a nervous wreck now...

but I have my Tibetan incense burning... and am just going have a very slow day today. I've told Holly she just can't invite someone (open-ended timeframe) who needs that much help & attention just to regulate his own emotions... and I think we failed miserably anyway because we're not TRAINED to do more than care... and it took a huge toll on us. I know she did it because of another friend who committed suicide and he mentioned that at one point he was suicidal.

I don't know how the pros stay sane.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #17 on: January 20, 2019, 05:00:07 PM »
Yikes, and yikes, Amber:  I don't like the sound of Hol traveling with this unsteady fellow, having been ejected from her/your home, without a plan he feels great about. 

I don't like the idea of his being angry either.

Please let me know when Hol's dropped him, and back on the road.

I'll breath a heavy sigh of relief. 

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2019, 06:04:26 PM »
DITTOS. Fingers crossed, light aloft.

Why would he say that about Hol?

I'm shocked by that (along with the whole story).
And so glad you have extricated yourself.

Seems the I-gotta-fix-this-person gene runs through you both.
It's great that you've drawn a boundary with H about who comes to your farm.

xxoo keep us posted...
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #19 on: January 21, 2019, 08:30:06 AM »
She got back home about 5 pm. We all went to bed early, and finally got some sleep last night.

Nurse wanted to ask Hol some questions too, so she had to stick around and also provide moral support to her friend. His plan is, once the 3 day evaluation is over, is to enter a residential counseling facility... and go from there. Steve, Hol's sweetie came over last night with his big lab - a friend of Knuckles - but he got stuck in the ditch leaving this morning.

Holly & Helga (her new jeep) has already freed him and gotten him on his way this morning.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #20 on: January 21, 2019, 07:56:50 PM »
Thanks for the update, Amber

Hol's done her best by her friend, rescued her sweetie, and now has time to reflect. 

I hope that's the end of THAT lesson.

Lighter

 

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #21 on: January 21, 2019, 09:44:02 PM »
Might take a week of extra rest and
taking things easy, emotionally, hon.

Hope you feel the peace returning fast.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2019, 09:21:45 AM »
Thanks Hops -  taking it easy and physical activity (dealing with weather) - are how I'm dealing with it. Letting it SIT for awhile too... I still feel elevated hypervigilance... but it's significantly down from what it was. Letting it sit, to give myself time to understand just what is going on in that situation - between friend & Hol - and my reactions, and why... before Hol and I start discussing it.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2019, 11:50:01 AM »
Lunch break - c'mon SUN - I need to melt the ice on my steps.

I'm pretty angry at Holly; and it's complicated. I've made it clear to her that she lives here too and if she wants to invite people out here, thanks fine. I truly like most of her friends. Just keep things under control, follow our basic living rules - locking doors, turning off lights, etc. Clean up your own messes.

So, Christmas day she got the news that a friend in her circle had killed himself. Right off the bat, she was asked to help rehome the friend's Cane Corso, which is a very large mastiff. I did some research... finally OK'd a temporary arrangement... and then watch Knuckles hash it out with Steve's dog; Steve is Hol's new sweetie. I brought up a few things she might want to think about, re: the dog... and eventually the folks in the city worked it out. Non-issue.

The day AFTER Christmas, she got the SOS from basket-case friend... needed a place to stay; had been staying in a hostel after getting out of jail for non-payment of child support, after suddenly losing his job (which I suspect was due to his emotional disintegration.) Story was that ex was a manipulative, vindictive N... and I do know there are casualties of the system. I do understand people's need for safe space time to sort things out, too. So yes - I agreed to him staying here. [edit: first mistake; I didn't set a preliminary timeline]

Weekend of the 6th, Holly had 3 additional friends out for her birthday: her boss, her girlfriend who's dating him and her roommate. We got geared up to party... lots of stick to the ribs food, etc. By this time, I was already picking up vibes from basketcase that gave me concern. Boss also did, as did Hol's girlfriend. We conferred a bit and Boss said he felt this guy was taking advantage of Holly's soft spot for her friends. Boss knows Hol VERY WELL; they had had a relationship in the past. And by then, I was seeing it also.

Basically, what I've picked up about basketcase is that he needy in the extreme; is using Hol to regulate his emotions - because HE CAN'T. I watched the guy pick a fight with old friend of Hol's from Portland, who simply asked a factual question about basketcase's story. Accused friend2 of being pass-agg, condescending and patronizing... got extremely angry; stormed out; stormed BACK... and when I got between them, telling basketcase to "calm down", repeatedly... and physically blocking his projection of emotions... he persisted and didn't even HEAR me.

It was at that point, I made my position absolutely clear to him. I saw him distracting himself with a pretense of creating artwork from cigarette ashes, papers and dirt - and any other art supplies of mine he felt entitled to help himself to. He refused to abide by any regular hours, claiming insomnia and emotional distress. Holly and I were not in a position to help him any further and spending more time here would complicate the situation and only spiral down into something worse. [edit: Hol & I had already been searching for moments to even get this OUT between us; it had started with me feeling I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings; in my own house... because she was insisting I walk on eggshells around basketcase.]

It was HIS idea to go get help and so I strongly supported that. Hol was being told he was too scared to initiate the process (manipulating her compassion)... and so he was allowed to procrastinate on making a decision. And he triangulated between Hol & I, as well. One reason she's so angry at me and me at her right now. The night before he actually did leave, Hol managed to sprain her ankle and bruise her foot pretty good. And I'm pretty sure she's not telling me the truth about what happened just yet.

He's made SO MUCH CRAZY in my space, that I haven't been able to even put the basics of the story into words. I'm still shaking and he's been gone 2-1/2 days now. I've taken it out on my woodpile; the snow; the ice (he sure didn't) because apparently explaining to him that the woodboxes on the stoves are 2 different lengths was "abusive"... and I'm getting the same crap back from Holly at the moment when I say the usual mom things... expressing concern, reminders, etc.

Because apparently, I'm not allowed to control conditions in my own space if they conflict with hers.

And we WILL have this out, but not just yet. It's still too raw. Friend2 expressed his worry that Hol was letting basketcase make her responsible for his emotions, which is one of the issues that were unresolvable from her relationship with Matt. I don't want to imply she's responsible for MINE either, and I do need to be able to verbalize exactly the situation as I see it. Fierce, whispered, 2 minute conversations were ALL we were permitted because basket-case was extremely quiet, sneaky and perhaps somewhat justifiably paranoid. We couldn't get any privacy in our own home.

Hol had asked me to pick up basketcase at hospital over the mountain today, if he's released... and take him to a hotel, since she ASSUMED I wouldn't let him come back here. I let her know, that 3 days wasn't enough for him to get his shit together and NO, he wasn't coming back here. We'll see if she continues to mother him through a situation she isn't in any way responsible for, or if she'll admit her superhero cape has limitations. She took my car today to take friend2 to airport, so I'm not going anywhere.

She clearly doesn't want me to point how she's been self-medicating to deal with her end of this BS either. Not at this point in time.

I'm not sure how this is going to turn out yet, but I sure don't need to keep rehersing everything that happened, how I felt, over & over again... so hopefully, putting it down, will let me get some distance away from it.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2019, 12:01:36 PM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #24 on: January 22, 2019, 02:13:48 PM »
Oy, babe. I feel for you and how fraught all this is. Just one small idea to offer.

Here's another opportunity to strengthen the boundaries muscles...again just a calm adult saying, No, I won't be doing that.

Hospitals have services, including community volunteers, hospital volunteers, and other resources for folks who are stuck. If bcase needs a ride from hospital to hotel, the hospital can and will arrange transportation for him. Hol doesn't need to expect you to continue the mommying (which "giving a ride" to him is), and you don't need to grant her request.

Picking him up and transporting him is you being unecessarily in his toxic presence, which is not wholesome for you, and Hol continung her rescue fantasy because one of her issues is difficulty stepping aside and allowing a friend to experience the natural consequences of their own choices.

You're no more responsible for his future transport than you were for his crisis. And it wouldn't be good for him to see you continuing the rescue now, through "a ride." It's a big world and he can learn how to ask the hospital to help him find a ride.

love and support,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #25 on: January 22, 2019, 03:05:19 PM »
Duh. Just re-read that it's a non-issue since H has your car. Sorry.

However, the same thinking applies though not to you...H should not be giving him a ride either because that continues her codependency.

If you see the same thing, YOU still can't be tasked with fixing H's codependency (if accurate). Because that puts you in the exact same position re. her. Not to worry. She'll get it in 10 years or so. Seriously. It's her path to carve and get and hike and figure out because, ime, any time someone else explains to me what I need to "get" it never takes. It's the long accumulation of my very own insights that help me grow. I can seek additional wisdom from books or people or Ts, but I gotta get all the way to it on my own.

I imagine this is a really tough line to navigate, but if you want to, you can do it. It's sound and healthy non-enmeshment and I believe that's where you are headed.

You've just had a big check-in about your own sense of self and health and boundaries and patterns and I know this--you will have awesome insights once you've had a chance to sit with it all and ponder in peace. The Amber brain and mind and heart know how to come 'round right.

fwiw, xxoo
Hops
« Last Edit: January 22, 2019, 03:19:43 PM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #26 on: January 23, 2019, 09:19:46 AM »
Big hug back to you Hops.

Hol and I had our first debrief last night. She's better off, in some ways, than I am. On the other hand I see some things she hasn't recognized yet... but I kept my mouth shut, for now.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #27 on: January 24, 2019, 07:56:00 AM »
Quick update... I'm feeling better now; less scattered and run over. Hol's mental state is pretty well intact and she's back up & running on the stuff she needs to take care of, moving forward. No difficulties between us to work out... but until she has her own house, there are going to be some additional clarification of basic "ground rules".

Seems I found a limitation in myself that I'm not entirely sure how to fix. I don't know how to set functional boundaries between my inner state - and that of disturbed people in my presence; their state completely impacts me and except for physical distance (ie, they're not here) I don't have tools to shield myself from what I experience as constant bombardment. It is affected by time duration; it's one of the reasons going out shopping is so draining of my energy. Yes, to a lesser degree than having someone in my house; popping up quietly and suddenly anywhere/everywhere in my space and never ever coming to rest in his constant, manic pacing.

Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted. And when the person in question is oblivious to how they are impacting others because they're so involved in their own struggles... push comes to shove. In this case, poor guy was depending on Holly (or me as substitute) to manage his feelings for him. I understand how it feels to not be able to do that, and his honest need, and empathize with that.

The hospital is keeping him a week and will likely release him to an in-patient situation elsewhere.

But because of enmeshment and co-dependency, I am allergic to people like that around me. I'm not so sure it's a good thing to "fix" either! Fix it, and one becomes vulnerable to it again, n'est-ce pas?
« Last Edit: January 24, 2019, 07:59:49 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #28 on: January 24, 2019, 05:57:06 PM »
Quote
Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted.

I completely agree with you and, with respect, disagree with Hol. Hate to pull the age-card but I think one (or this one anyway) doesn't quite "get" the we-ARE-wired-certain-ways reality AS full reality until say...50s and 60s. I think in this culture we fling ourselves against various walls for decades because the culture's insistence on self-determination is so powerful.

It's beautiful to know who you are and the atmosphere and boundaries you require, and nobody can know that better than you. Even someone who loves you tons. And there's surely nobody who scrutinizes and judges a mother's makeup more than a daughter, even a loving one. She could be too close to you to really see you...as a person. (If she met you outside your relationship, as a stranger, and you explained how you'd learned certain boundaries are necessary for your well being...she'd admire you for it and accept it as your own smart insight.)

I don't blame her; I think we're all that way to varying degrees until decades and learning and such reach a point within us when we actually accept ourselves. Convincing OTHERS to can be an occasional necessity or if we're not careful, a pernicious hobby.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2019, 07:58:56 AM »
Thank you Hops. I tried to explain N-spots to her, and how her "encouragement" to overcome what I know about myself - and have designed into my lifestyle - is very similar to something she complained about Matt doing to her. She denied it, out of hand of course. LOL. Time will fix that.

I think there is a fear of aging - both in me and her herself - that she's realizing. So, I don't need to press the issue. She'll face it soon enough on her own. We've been down the rabbithole of generational traits & effects too. She's very smart and only needs to have someone to bounce ideas off of, as objectively as humanly possible. I try; do OK for an amateur. But I do know my limitations and when a situation develops into something I wouldn't have initially agreed to... I stand up and deal with it... no matter how many toes I step on. Generally speaking, I've only had to bring up ideas/concepts and then shut up - because she does go off and think it through herself. Like a champ, so far.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally now. But I was walking in the dark and wrenched or over-extended a knee a couple nights ago. It's quickly getting better, but I am still moving slow. LOL. Feel like a dumbass... for trying to rely on internal sight in the dark (my usual habit is to turn the light on in the bedroom and then turn out the last light in the living area). But that kind of thing is a direct reminder of just what I was trying to explain to Hol, isn't it? She ran and got me a cane and I was up/down all day yesterday dogsitting and just taking it easy... so I think that's helped with the improvement I'm seeing.

The only thing pressing this week, is the bed I ordered back in Oct is finally being delivered Wed, and we're going to have a couple REALLY cold days, which requires some wood chores to take place. Hol will doing the bulk of that since I'm still moving slow. I can navigate steps, if I pay attention, so I am paying a lot of attention!  ;)  I have a couple more ladder projects to finish up, but that's definitely not happening unless Hol takes the ladder half of the job.

We still need to have "Christmas" with Mike's D... and the snow postponed our original date, so maybe this weekend.

I'm not doing any online dating... even tried Tinder, but it meant I needed wifi on, on my phone and it sucks battery life out of it. So, that's on hold for the time being. Ronnie's still being playfully "flirty" with me, but I haven't seen as much of him since the accident. I've seen his brother more often and while he's not flirty with me, he is as friendly and open and nice.

Farmer's Almanac says our spring & summer here is supposed to be drier than normal. We shall see. I haven't noticed any new trends yet, to drier weather. But that would let me do last summer's garden projects a lot easier.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 08:02:12 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.