2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe it's just me, but 41 doesn't sound "young" anymore.  :shrugs:

[lighter]

Good news, Amber. Your man is steady, and not prone to hysteria, woo hoo!

It did make me sad to read you expected to be blamed....old pathways rearing their ugly heads, no doubt.

Dance, and bask in the comfort of sane, rational adult companionship, my dear.

You so deserve it.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual".

Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that.

TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth.

Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services.

And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos. There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more.

He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater.

More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc.

Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity.

[Hopalong]

((((((Amber)))))))

This all sounds so painful and overwhelming, with Buck as the beacon. I'm so very glad he's in your life now.

Question: Does H have her own therapist?

I hope peace creeps in through all the stress cracks you're coping with.

Big hug,
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual".  How's that space feeling about now, Amber?

Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that. I wonder how that shift will show up for you.   I think your brain can make that jump in a second when it's ready.

TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth.  So sorry about that.  This too shall pass.

Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services.  I'm sure you and Hol will be a huge support. 

And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos.  You loved Mike very much, and he was a huge part of your life.  Things come off in layers, so ya..... echoes.  There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more.  Maybe he needs to get that out, up front, so you know what you're getting into.... before you jump?  Not that he knows what's coming, or could know.  Have you ever felt like you just need to cover all the bad things, about yourself, so you don't feel you've duped someone or tricked them?  I think we all feel that way at times.   I'm guessing he'll get it off his chest, you'll reassure him, and it will pass.  One thing's clear, he needs to talk about it.

He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater. There's no clearer water than in the Bahamas.   

More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc.  My oldest dd learned through relationship with good Ts.  Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly? 

Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity. There's plenty of codependence videos on Youtube, with all sorts of views, to supplement books.

[Hopalong]

Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly?

Sorry I didn't spot this, Amber, so asked you a dumb question. I was rushing to be somewhere but didn't mean to give your post short shrift...

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Apparently co-dependence is a very bad word and she's NOT, she'll have ya know. LOL. But as we've tried to talk further, she's able to say/see that she's experiencing abandonment issues with the boyfriend. To the extent she questions whether she's important as a human being or not.

Mind you, she's only experiencing this emotionally. Intellectually, she knows none of that is true.

I need to process this. Anything I say, do to try to understand or comfort her or even my silence... is seen as "making it all about myself" (yeah, scratching my head about that) and she's obviously distressed - but don't go near her, don't touch her, and whatever you do you must withstand the torrent of upset, angry, hurt energy she's giving off.

We are getting to some good communication but I feel like I need a flameproof suit. Pretty sure the accusations being levelled at me aren't personally ABOUT ME. She even said that, right before jumping into another tirade. It's like I'm standing in for whomever is the problem here. I'm trying to talk about this in short snippets with her; not one long linear - but circular - discussion. But I'm going to need some safe topics to talk about in between; it's like she's on the verge of seeing it but it still terrifies her. So she needs the distraction of banal conversation (until that's rejected).

This is pretty HARD. But it's something she and I have gotten close to before. Obviously, I'm trying to just hang in there with her and let her "drive". In the process, I see some very strange ideas that concern me - but at this point are probably irrelevant out of context. I let her yell last night; we're way back up in the hollar - I don't think she could be heard as loud as she is. That would at least use up some energy - LOL.

There is grief which she isn't letting herself feel. She feels so badly for her girlfriend, it's like she won't allow herself to have any grief - even though she worked with B for years and even dated him. And I think she equates grieving with weakness; self-pity that kind of thing. I was able to suggest that her protectiveness of the girlfriend's feelings is perhaps a bit of "over-responsibility". She didn't respond but I know she heard me. She'll think about that.

She's really angry at herself about the DUI. We were talking a bit about the future work after losing their crew chief - and she said she could work in Richmond, except for the driving thing now gets in the way.

Work would HELP her right now; structured, exhausting, 14 hr days of work, 5 days a week. It would let her expend her energy productively while giving her cognitive brain a rest from what she's struggling with. AHA... yes, there is a pattern. Whenever she's had extended unstructured free time, she revisits all this that's her "poison arrow" problem to solve. Whatever it is. (And no, I'm not "making it all about me" by referencing one of my experiences... LOL.)

On a superficial level, these interactions are pretty abusive. But that's just NOT who she is. I'm protecting myself. It wouldn't just appear out of nowhere either. Stress or no. And she's regularly apologizing, when she gets her head above the storm she's experiencing. I hope we can get this sorted out. For her sake... and my blood pressure... LOL.

[Hopalong]

Oh, Amber. Careful.

I am heartbroken to hear H will scream at and blame you that way.
I do NOT want you living with that possibility when something in her life goes awry.

You love her more than anything but please don't give up your serenity to this.

I think emergency T-sessions, because this is not okay.

Much love and concern,
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I would consider withdrawing with love until Hol can speak to you without yelling, name calling, blaming, or changing the subject until one topics done.

You don't have to engage when she's unable to remain calm.  Eventually, she'll learn she has to be respectful, and observe certain rules in order to engage you.

This is a great lesson for communicating with everyone in her life, IMO.

And about the codependence... .everyone has some of that.  It's a human thing. I was asked what I thought about being codependent, and I said I always thought it was for the parents, and partners of addicts.

It's not.  It's for everyone, and we can all learn something about ourselves that creates more resilience, and awareness. 

I'd ask Hol what she thinks codependence is.  Maybe she has a very negative definition that's not at all true?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'll continue chipping away at what she thinks co-dependence is. I have enough of my own questions that it wouldn't hurt me at all, to look at it. Hops, I'm really pretty good at defending myself and not letting myself get triggered by these tirades. I have let it trigger me and didn't like it; stopped it.

Here's the thing: I have the clear awareness - and she's even said as much - that what she is expressing isn't about ME at all. I am merely the role substitute, for the person she's really talking to. And she's unfortunately had enough stuff in her life, that generated such energetic emotion, that she's been using this method since she was 14 - loud, aggressive, and blunt - to be HEARD. But now. she wants more than to be heard. She wants answers, solutions, and way forward out of that place. She doesn't like it either.

Which leads me to the lightbulb realization I had: many times, she's mentioned that she believes there was something that happened when she and Amy were small. It terrifies and sickens her... but she can't remember what exactly happened. I of course, suggested that it would be good to find a way to bring that memory to consciousness because as a grown woman, she could now deal with it. But she's not sure; she's thinking she might want to just completely let the memory go and simply try to correct the symptoms that manifest as a result of that recurring anxiety/fear that continues to plague her, even in her sleep. I maintain the symptoms won't go away until she deals with whatever that thing is. She gets respite from it when she's very busy; mentally & physically engaged. But during any "downtime"... there's no rest for the weary.

I can't choose for her either. But I do think I'm well positioned these days to protect myself. It's gonna be OK.

[lighter]

Amber:

It's human to seek pleasure, and avoid pain. 

It's unfortunate when we don't have any choice about it, and lack balance, IME.

What's the saying?  What we resist, persists.

Ya, that's it.

Hol will have to decide when she's ready to deal with whatever this is.  Until then, you know there's no escaping what we fear.  It always finds us.

When Hol's ready, you'll be a tremendous resource for her. 

In the meantime, there's a site DailyOM, with different classes you can take.  I signed up for the Codependent becoming Independent Class, and it's good.  Also, I decided how much to pay for it, which is lovely.  Whoever came up with that really wants to get the information into everyone's hands who needs it.

Short lessons you can open at your own pace.

I hope Hol figures out the scary stuff won't kill her to look at it.  It's the way to get it off her back, and out of her life, IME.
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm of the same opinion Lighter. It's only going to continue to fester until she gets it out where she can see it for what it is. Then, knowing her ability & strength, it won't take long for her to make short work of it.

Facing fear, is the only way I know to deal with it. See it, feel it, and go do what needs doing in the face of it anyway. That's acquired myself some pretty strange labels, but I don't care what those people think about me. I stopped caring about that kind of thing a long time ago.

The busy, busy season is about upon us. Well drillers will be here Monday; contractor reviews the site clearing that's done for room for him to work. Fence guy is bringing materials over today; I moved the rest of that pile of topsoil on the pond dam, so it wouldn't be in his way and put it where I need to plant what survives of the ground cover I bought this spring.

Things I had planned to do - got bumped out of the way to accommodate other people's needs for my time/energy as they integrate into life here. So, I'm a tad irritated about that right now. But the important stuff has gotten done; is getting done. The hermit wants her space back. And the slower pace of activity. And not having to deal with OPPs. I'm coping by making my bedroom suite the "lounge area" and spending a lot more time there right now. It's cozy and comforting and I can daydream about how I'll make it work for two people.

[lighter]

LOL... I've made my bedroom a lounge area as well..... the girls are older, and need their space without mom looking over their shoulders, or appearing to be THERE all the time.  So, that means no PUG in my room shedding, or on my bed with her backside, and dirty little paws.  Bedding white, and feels very nice and clean.... I want some space that's just mine too!  Since I've been spending more time on my own, oldest dd18 has been spending a few nights with me, putting her head on my chest, and talking freely, which is different.  Working on myself really is impacting the girls in a positive way.

We're waiting to hear back from the County about a communal septic system, and community dock at Dad's lake property. I think we're good on the well water situation, but that's not clear yet either, IMO.

I imagine that Hol having her own place, and Buck BEING there will make a huge difference in the amount of work you get done.  Don't judge yourself or beat yourself up.  Just go back to your boundaries, and take care of yourself.  Maybe that, alone, will help Hol too.

Ligther

[sKePTiKal]

The big thing right now for Hol is dealing with her boss & friend's passing and supporting her girlfriend - who was his girlfriend. That put her DUI right into perspective and she's accepting whatever happens, even if she knows she's not going to like it. Think she's headed to Baltimore in the next day or so to be there. She's been knocking things off the to-do list here as fast as possible.

Steve will be in/out for work and John, Hol's HS friend drove across country from Portland and is here while he puts together a van to go exploring up/down the east coast for new places to potentially land. So I won't exactly have my privacy back; but it should be OK.

I'm not so confident I really want a guy in my space, oddly enough. That sounds strange to me, but it's true. And I'm not really sure why. Maybe because he's a night owl and I'm jealous of my 7-8 hrs of sleep. The room isn't overly large for one thing; but not cramped either. It's cozy. My cave... I realize this will probably pass. And we'll make time to be together again before any permanent type decisions are made.

Right now, I'm waiting on contractors. Fence and the general contractor for the Holly Hut. Everyone's off doing their things and I've got a new business project to deal with... and trying to sort out some new naval gazing crap about Buck that also isn't making any sense to me right now. Think I'm tired from so much going on and just need to let some dust settle again. Not do a single thing I don't have to till the picture of what's going on snaps into focus. There is just too much going on all at once around here, all the time.

The sunlight today is crystalline clear; not a speck of humidity. Temps are bearable without the a/c - which died during the heatwave.

[lighter]

Amber:

Are you thinking you'll share your private bedroom space with B, or keep your own space yours, give him a space of his own?  I  guess you'll figure that out when you get to it, but many have definitive thoughts on the topic.  I've always shared, but secretly craved my own space, sans men.  I'm pretty sure I'd want my own space at this point. 

I can't believe your ac is down.  That's unbelievable, considering the heat, and humidity we've been having.  You're a tough cookie.  Do you plan to replace, fix, or just live without?

About the company, you don't have to host or entertain.  You can do your own thing, and not feel obligated.... see how that feels.  Time on projects, in your room, or working in the house might shift into getting some help for your projects if you stay focused?

Not sure, but good luck on the hol hut.

Lighter