Lunch break - c'mon SUN - I need to melt the ice on my steps.
I'm pretty angry at Holly; and it's complicated. I've made it clear to her that she lives here too and if she wants to invite people out here, thanks fine. I truly like most of her friends. Just keep things under control, follow our basic living rules - locking doors, turning off lights, etc. Clean up your own messes.
So, Christmas day she got the news that a friend in her circle had killed himself. Right off the bat, she was asked to help rehome the friend's Cane Corso, which is a very large mastiff. I did some research... finally OK'd a temporary arrangement... and then watch Knuckles hash it out with Steve's dog; Steve is Hol's new sweetie. I brought up a few things she might want to think about, re: the dog... and eventually the folks in the city worked it out. Non-issue.
The day AFTER Christmas, she got the SOS from basket-case friend... needed a place to stay; had been staying in a hostel after getting out of jail for non-payment of child support, after suddenly losing his job (which I suspect was due to his emotional disintegration.) Story was that ex was a manipulative, vindictive N... and I do know there are casualties of the system. I do understand people's need for safe space time to sort things out, too. So yes - I agreed to him staying here. [edit: first mistake; I didn't set a preliminary timeline]
Weekend of the 6th, Holly had 3 additional friends out for her birthday: her boss, her girlfriend who's dating him and her roommate. We got geared up to party... lots of stick to the ribs food, etc. By this time, I was already picking up vibes from basketcase that gave me concern. Boss also did, as did Hol's girlfriend. We conferred a bit and Boss said he felt this guy was taking advantage of Holly's soft spot for her friends. Boss knows Hol VERY WELL; they had had a relationship in the past. And by then, I was seeing it also.
Basically, what I've picked up about basketcase is that he needy in the extreme; is using Hol to regulate his emotions - because HE CAN'T. I watched the guy pick a fight with old friend of Hol's from Portland, who simply asked a factual question about basketcase's story. Accused friend2 of being pass-agg, condescending and patronizing... got extremely angry; stormed out; stormed BACK... and when I got between them, telling basketcase to "calm down", repeatedly... and physically blocking his projection of emotions... he persisted and didn't even HEAR me.
It was at that point, I made my position absolutely clear to him. I saw him distracting himself with a pretense of creating artwork from cigarette ashes, papers and dirt - and any other art supplies of mine he felt entitled to help himself to. He refused to abide by any regular hours, claiming insomnia and emotional distress. Holly and I were not in a position to help him any further and spending more time here would complicate the situation and only spiral down into something worse. [edit: Hol & I had already been searching for moments to even get this OUT between us; it had started with me feeling I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings; in my own house... because she was insisting I walk on eggshells around basketcase.]
It was HIS idea to go get help and so I strongly supported that. Hol was being told he was too scared to initiate the process (manipulating her compassion)... and so he was allowed to procrastinate on making a decision. And he triangulated between Hol & I, as well. One reason she's so angry at me and me at her right now. The night before he actually did leave, Hol managed to sprain her ankle and bruise her foot pretty good. And I'm pretty sure she's not telling me the truth about what happened just yet.
He's made SO MUCH CRAZY in my space, that I haven't been able to even put the basics of the story into words. I'm still shaking and he's been gone 2-1/2 days now. I've taken it out on my woodpile; the snow; the ice (he sure didn't) because apparently explaining to him that the woodboxes on the stoves are 2 different lengths was "abusive"... and I'm getting the same crap back from Holly at the moment when I say the usual mom things... expressing concern, reminders, etc.
Because apparently, I'm not allowed to control conditions in my own space if they conflict with hers.
And we WILL have this out, but not just yet. It's still too raw. Friend2 expressed his worry that Hol was letting basketcase make her responsible for his emotions, which is one of the issues that were unresolvable from her relationship with Matt. I don't want to imply she's responsible for MINE either, and I do need to be able to verbalize exactly the situation as I see it. Fierce, whispered, 2 minute conversations were ALL we were permitted because basket-case was extremely quiet, sneaky and perhaps somewhat justifiably paranoid. We couldn't get any privacy in our own home.
Hol had asked me to pick up basketcase at hospital over the mountain today, if he's released... and take him to a hotel, since she ASSUMED I wouldn't let him come back here. I let her know, that 3 days wasn't enough for him to get his shit together and NO, he wasn't coming back here. We'll see if she continues to mother him through a situation she isn't in any way responsible for, or if she'll admit her superhero cape has limitations. She took my car today to take friend2 to airport, so I'm not going anywhere.
She clearly doesn't want me to point how she's been self-medicating to deal with her end of this BS either. Not at this point in time.
I'm not sure how this is going to turn out yet, but I sure don't need to keep rehersing everything that happened, how I felt, over & over again... so hopefully, putting it down, will let me get some distance away from it.