Author Topic: 2019 Farm Life  (Read 1376 times)

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #60 on: March 03, 2019, 10:34:05 PM »
I think your initial question is a wise one.
There just can't be competition for healing better than someone else heals.
Humans and their wounds are as different as faces. So are lives and experiences.
Just as we needn't judge others we also need to not judge ourselves....

If someone's "moved on" then maybe they have and good on them.
If someone's still at work on healing then good on them too.

If someone's BRAGGING about having utterly healed from really bad things, then I do wonder. If someone's GRATEFUL for having healed then they ain't bragging.

I just don't think there's a secret formula that only special people know. I think we're very complex and very individual creatures and acceptance is easier and simpler for some than it is for others. And the others aren't "lesser" if that's true.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #61 on: March 03, 2019, 11:43:16 PM »
I finally got to read all responses on this thread... so grateful for it, Amber.  Nice.

I'm still focused on the muscle testing/brain integration to trace back, and find initial threads of dis-ease in the brain, body and energetic systems.

I don't believe the primary indicator for successful treatment is how a person identifies with their abuse, or their abuser.   I believe it has more to do with the person's ability  to self reflect, and observe their inner world without turning away, distracting themselves or avoiding pain at all costs, which is how humans seem to deal with pain, and move through their worlds, IME.

We can hold belief systems that harm, and limit our ability to look inside, and observe our inner worlds.  Whether those belief systems, imbalances, blockages, negative coping strategies will persist depends, IMO, on whether we can come to a place where we learn to suspend judgement. amd endure discomfort/pain/shame/guilt, etc. IMO.

Defensive personality types, who deflect blame, and have fragile egos shattered by any hint of shame will struggle more than people who believe everything is their fault, IME.   

Trauma comes off in layers, as I've experienced it.  The deeper the trauma, the earlier the trauma, trauma involving bonds with caregivers, ongoing early trauma, etc will be deeper and more complicated than single incident trauma experienced later in life. 

Trauma that paralyzes us, makes us feel powerless, and at the mercy of,  is different than trauma we feel we can act through or on.

Nobody can tell someone else what makes sense to them, regarding how we heal, or learn to pay attention to that part of our lives.

Every factor involved.... spiritual, emotional, physical, biochemical, physiological, neurological, energetic, and support systems we have, or don't have in place, will present threads to symptoms, and causes that lead to layer after layer of work we can do, or not do, IME.

I don't think intelligence is a primary factor.... at least that's not been my experience that the most intelligent people do the work, or can do the work.  I've seen intelligent people work well with mental health professionals, and very intelligent people sneer at the idea, and make a mockery of therapy while careening into desperate situations, and death.

Some belief systems appear to be held in our unconscious minds.  We might feel strongly that we're ready to change or ready to choose new things, but not realize that a part of us just can't get there.  If our reticular activation system feels it's kept us safe up to this point, and can continue to keep us alive this way, then it might not see the need to change anything we otherwise feel is negatively effecting our lives, and we're sure we need to change.  The RAS might hold strong, and keep us locked in old patterns until we figure out how to address it, and re boot that belief.... engage the frontal lobe, and shift all the layers of belief within us so they correspond.

Every time I witness a brain balance, it always always leads down one rabbit hole after another, never the way intended, or anticipated, and always always leads to a starting point...  a thread to pull, and follow, and trace to deeper layers of trauma, as subsequent layers receive attention. 

That's enough of my 2 cents for now.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #62 on: March 05, 2019, 10:10:20 AM »
New development:

Back when we had all the company, I was keeping myself occupied by sorting out/arranging all my art crap that I've hauled around for 20 some years or more, in the studio. I came across a sketch I made one afternoon of Mike - around the same time, I made the "farm mirage" drawing.

The likeness, for as much time as I put into it was pretty strong. (circa 2005)

So it got put up on the wall, across the room from where we sit & socialize. Along with a painting I did in '78 - before any formal art training - that shouldn't "work" because of the rules I didn't follow/broke that DOES work. Just been "looking" at both of them. The painting, I'd like to change the composition of the canvas size, but basically duplicate.

And 2 nights ago, I pulled out the drawing and started working on the hand gesture. Worked till about 2 am. And midnight, last night. Looks like it's going to become a finished drawing. It's fascinating, that I can remember details about his body structure; the specific haircut he had then - but if I have 3 things to do today and make myself a note - by the time I've written the first 2 down, I've forgotten the 3rd. LOL.

Anyway, the drawing seems like it's some kind of catharsis or exorcism of "something"; it's not about him at all, either. It's something about "me" that is getting dealt with.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #63 on: March 05, 2019, 01:38:49 PM »
It's nice to picture you rediscovering these pieces of art...... appreciating them... diving back into them, Amber.




Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #64 on: March 05, 2019, 09:46:15 PM »
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #65 on: March 15, 2019, 11:02:02 AM »
It sure is quiet in here lately! I take it, people are investing in real life stuff?

Drawing is finished as of yesterday - Mike's birth day, by coincidence. If I figure a good place to upload to, that I can link to... instead of trying to upload pics here, I will post the link. I haven't had a FB account for at least 6 months and Mike's was shut down as a "memorial page" some time ago.

Still just feeling whatever the drawing phase was; no real coherent observations out of it... except it had less to do with grief processing, nothing at all to do with him, and was "some other thing" that it was finally the "right time" to play with pencils again. I've cussed the crappy sketchbook paper every single session of work... I usually draw on 100% rag paper. I built up the shape and character of his face & hand... and the overall posture he was in... with one after another & another layer of light tones, and rarely resorted to the softer, darker B pencils. So, it's a very "tight" drawing - again. But soft. What my basic "style" has always been. The likeness is clear; but there are still things about the drawing that make it look flat; 2D instead of 3D to me. And I think it's because my "memory" of him from then and the afternoon I made the original sketch... was 14 years ago. I wasn't working from "life".

House guest is back after being released. He is very much improved and now, the kinds of things that Hol and I can do... are effective. Trying to help him get launched on his new life, and there have been productive discussions/activities along those lines. He's sleeping all night now. He's engaged and aware of things/people around him more too. So we'll see what happens.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #66 on: March 15, 2019, 12:06:10 PM »
I was all ready to launch into happy workings on DD's graduation announcements, when you closed with houseguest's return.   Just not sure how to feel about that.  You seem to be doing just fine with it, so will send productive thoughts your way.

::crossing fingers for all of you::.

Lighter



Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #67 on: March 15, 2019, 09:46:46 PM »
Really super glad about art, Amber.

Not glad about the returned freeloader project.

Also hoping things will turn out well given your change of mind.

Hugs and good wishes for all of this...life is complex!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #68 on: March 17, 2019, 10:45:12 AM »
His month or more in the hospital has truly helped him. Combination of one on one counseling, group and they also convinced him to try ECT.

There initially was some flailing about his plans to get back on his feet - at one time, he was a pretty successful photographer and was signed to NYC galleries - but the logistics of that, is something Hol & I specialize in and we broke that down into basic first steps. We can help a little.

We've been able to let him process his recent experiences even more - and it's clear he's no longer stuck in pain and trying to find a rational way to fix and/or deal with a crazy person in his life. He's accepting that taking care of himself and rebuilding his life is required before he even contacts her re: visitation with his son again.

I think he's going to be OK. And I'm OK with it too. The freeloader bit isn't quite accurate, in his situation. He was truly devastated by what he'd been put through by an N and completely lost everything in his life. Dealing with the emotions prevented him from the capability to make a decision and move forward on it before treatment. I no longer get the sense that he's expecting other people to regulate his emotions. That really threw me for a loop and churned up my own steaming pile o' crap.

And he's only once brought up initiating contact with the N, who is vindictive and totally bat-**** crazy, and quickly understood that he's not strong enough yet; doesn't have a firm base in living his own life yet to even consider that. He needs to rebuild self-respect, by doing for himself and nurture some more resilience. And turn that crap into compost.

And even then, direct contact is going to have to wait a bit longer until he's really in a position to counter the lies that have been told about him. With how he lives his life and lawyers. If she has no ammunition - except fantasies and lies - to use against him, he has a much better chance of winning at least time to see his son. But he has to stay out of her ability to target him, until then. We know how badly an N needs a scapegoat and how much pleasure they can take in destroying said scapegoat. Especially when that person internalizes all that stuff and questions their own sanity.

I must say, that I'm impressed with the hospital staff. They did an excellent job, in a relatively short amount of time, teaching him to unknot that tangled ball of yarn of "the story of what happened, the feelings, the powerlessness and anger/frustration". It's a visible difference in him. And he's been working in his sketchbook... again, concrete visible signs of improvement in use of color, etc. There's a small community of artists in the town "over the mountain" and a small private university... so I think that's going to be his launching pad.

Close enough to the city, so when he is ready to attempt seeing his son, it won't be impossibly difficult to get there. Student housing will be opening up soon, as well some jobs in the hospitality realm and music is a big deal here - and he likes music a lot. Hol and I are close enough to be a support network too - without "doing it for him".

Meanwhile - mio-mio has disappeared. The house has been searched top to bottom a couple of times; no sign of her. A door got left open, and she has been out before - curiosity. There is no sign of her outside either - and the dogs haven't alerted to anything. So, it may very well be that she's exited my life as unexpectedly as she dropped into it. By her own choice. Freddie is taking full advantage of that and hasn't given any signs of knowing where she went, either. She was a special kitty; I've had several. But the first weeks I was here, I realized she would eventually get out and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. She wasn't ever an outdoor cat, so if she does show up again later I'm going to be massively surprised.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #69 on: March 17, 2019, 05:11:27 PM »
Amber:

This young man is lucky to have your massive compassion, and support from the safety of your home.  Again.  HIs past, and his present, and his future are coming into focus in your safe space.  Just an amazing gift from you and Hol. 

I am concerned about compassion and understanding warping out of shape... into boundary transgressions, and excuses.  Not bc of you or him, but bc it's sometimes difficult to keep perspective when we want a particular outcome so so much for someone else, with no control. 

You didn't have the ability to do the work the professionals managed, and young man benefited from his time there.  He might need a tune up before the next level of healing begins.  It's OK to be proactive there.  It's not failure.... not a step backwards.  Maybe he'll need help internalizing what he's learned, and cementing it in place, which would be normal while he learns how to handle overwhelming feelings.  Not sure, but his ability to be open to your help is possible bc of the help at the hospital, and awareness around that is necessary, IMO.

Reasons are different than excuses.  Accepting responsibility, and our part in things, is different than assigning blame, without understanding.  You know this better than I, but sometimes we're so close, so invested in specific outcome, we can lose sight without realizing it, IME. 

Good luck with that.  He's a very lucky young man.  You and Hol are very kind spirits.

I hope Mio Mio turns up.  It seems like the door opened, let the guest in, and Mio Mio out. 

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #70 on: March 17, 2019, 05:14:56 PM »
Can one copy and paste grace?

I'd like to just echo the grace and wisdom of everything Lighter wrote, that I couldn't figure out how to say.

Same concerns, same respect and caring.

with love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #71 on: March 22, 2019, 12:29:39 PM »
Mio-mio mystery solved. I had strange dreams last night; and Freddy's been extra lovey - even put his paw on my hand as I went to sleep. So... something "directed" me to recheck the new sofa bed in the office... and there I found her. Right before I was leaving the house, even.

I had looked before - the angle of the sofa back left a big enough hole for her to crawl behind it to get comfy and well hidden on the pullout part of the mattress. I guess my flashlight didn't catch her when I looked before or she was hiding somewhere else then. It's a darker upholstery.

I ran up to get her blanket and an angora glove of mine, that she kept stealing from me and carrying around like a kitten or playing with - throwing it up in the air. If it warms up a little, I'll sprinkle some catnip on her too, before I cover her up. I think she'll go out where Mike's ashes are, more or less. She's in the chilly garage for right now... and I have some clean up to do.

Kitties do this, hide to die, I think to spare us. So I knew without knowing. Now, I know.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #72 on: March 22, 2019, 06:48:49 PM »
Oh, no.... Amber.

I was distracted through that post, and didn't figure out Mio was gone till the last sentence.  So very sad, but I'm glad you found her. 

I'm glad kitty chose a safe, warm indoor space where she was loved as her final resting place.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #73 on: March 22, 2019, 08:13:01 PM »
Oh, I'm so sorry, Amber.
(((((((((You and Miou Miou)))))))))).

I too didn't quite understand you were saying you'd found her dead.
Until I added it up.

Bless her for her peaceful cat sense of how to go about it.
All is well with her.

And I'm sorry you had that sad discovery.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #74 on: March 23, 2019, 09:17:11 AM »
When I was still trying to find her, of course my imagination did bad, bad things to me. There were only 2 actual possibilities: she was hiding somewhere in the house (which I knew what that meant in "kitty speak") or she got out. Easy enough to mix her & Freddy up in the dark and with Freddy going in/out all the time... any of us could've made the mistake.

Knowing is way better than not knowing for me. Had my little wake for her last night and today I get to take care of her again, assuming I can dig a hole deep enough in my rock cliff hill. Holly's idea of a pyre sounds better than digging since it snowed again last night. Maybe house guest will help, if I need it.

House guest is making progress on finding a place to live and getting a job, in the small city "over the mountain". It's good timing for that. He's been helpful around here too - we built some shelves in the garage and started getting that space another phase toward "functional". And he cooks! Honestly, he suffered at the hands of a very PD-malevolent partner and tried to resolve the conflict being gaslighted rationally - which as we know, doesn't really work. But the effort of doing that led him down some obsessive rabbitholes... and he really needed the pro help to get past doing that; grieve what had happened to him; and let go to be able to move on.

He lost friends as well as most of his possessions (including studio equipment) so it's completely starting over from scratch. Holly has introduced him around the people she still knows in town, where he'll be able function without personal transportation. And it's not like he can't come & VISIT here, and vice versa. Hol is usually in town at least once every couple weeks. He's getting super excited about "having a life" - his life - again.

Hol and her sweetie are spending a lot of time together as well. It seems to be going pretty well. She's started the process of working with a contractor toward building the Holly Hut, too. Her own place here. Bigger than a tiny house; not as big as many houses built in the last century after 1920.

So there is LOT going on around here! Generator project is scheduled for the end of the month and it's an expensive undertaking initially. But it's worth it to me, to have the labor-saving "conveniences" (which are the bare minimum) for living "off-grid", in those situations where there isn't any choice. After the wind storm last month and 4 days without power and only minimal assistance from Hol & Steve... I was convinced it was necessary "for me".
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.