2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

Well, that's DONE. I wasn't sure I'd be able to dig deep enough out here - but some kind of determined energy showed up from nowhere. I feel much much better that she's sleeping her last nap, close by. I really wanted to "take care of her" one last time. Myself.

Mio-mio I think, absorbed & used up a lot of my "needing to be needed" habit. Especially when it was just the two of us. Now that she's not sharpening her claws on all the wood inside my house - I can finally sand it all down and where needed, seal the wood up too.

She was a very good kitty friend.

[lighter]

I'm glad you figured out how to get Mio Mio into her final resting place.  I'm sure you chose some place nice, and comforting.

The entire experience sounds very cathartic for you, Amber.

I hope it is.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

She was always pretty independent and not a snuggler like some kitties are; half wild and reluctant to be around anyone but me. Not even Holly. Over the years, that changed... she got snugglier with me and even Mike, as we buried his mom, the dog, and the other two cats. She barely let me out of her sight when Mike was sick and even travelled with me - after. She definitely approved of this place, especially as I designated my bedroom as the "kitty safe space" during remodeling or when dogs were here.

But in the mornings, while I'm taking my time waking up and letting myself feel and readjust she would always come lay right up next to me for "kitty pet time". That's as close as she got to being a lap kitty, except once or twice - after Caffiene & Mike passed she came to sit on my chest in bed.

Some cats are "just a cat" - like Freddy; just showing up here and deciding to stay. But mio-mio looked to me to protect her from all the stuff that was scary to her, and keep her happy. She picked me out of a parking lot full of people trying to catch her and snuggled right up from that minute on - even if she kept her distance from everyone else. I was just finishing up therapy back then, I think.

That kind of bond, you don't just "shop" for another one. They either happen or they don't; and usually it's the cat that decides. A dog makes much more sense out here too. But as much as Knuckles and I are learning to get along - there are times I just want to give him benedryl and put him in a straightjacket. Super high energy. Steve's big old chocolate lab on the other hand - Beebs - is way more my speed and kind of a clown in his own right. This big old guy cries like a little baby when you stop petting him... LOL. And he eats kibble - one tiny piece at a time.... no gulping for him!

[Hopalong]

Oh that sweetness. They know when you're grieving. Bless 'er.

For me it's senior dogs only going forward; I'm a year from 70. When it's Next Dog time (no years without as before) I'll head for the pound and find a great ole dog who can still raise a ruckus at a boogeyman, but is otherwise mellowed out. My other limit is 20 pounds max, which feels strange since I had only big dogs (one so big he was remarkable, a purebred yellow lab who somehow got giantish and was dispatched to the pound because he was a "lousy hunter", according to the breeder). Sweetest animal I've ever known.

Present Pooch is 20 pounds but a hundred pounds of charm. Most affection, torso-squashing-into dog I've ever had. Affectionate or needy, take your pick.

I hope the right animal with the right personality appears at the right time for you, ((((Amber)))). And all hail Miou Miou aways. You'll never forget her. I still have times when I enjoy a reverie about my last cat (before I developed the allergy, six months before she died). She was very small, half calico and half siamese. Shy and beautiful. Always ran away when guests came, except once when my Dad visited me in another state. Out of the blue, she trotted down the stairs and made a beeline for his lap. Animals and babies always knew instantly he was better than safe.

Miou Miou was a lucky girl and you did her proud.

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Busy days...

Contractor approves of the site for the Holly Hut; I'm doing prep work ahead of the generator project; planning garden work; and house guest moves into his own place tomorrow.

Lots of stuff moving forward right now.

[lighter]

Well that was a lovely update, Amber.

And on such a lovely day.  It's sunny, cool, a little breezy,  and perfect for mossing, which sis and I have done a bit of. 

::sending Amber, dd, and house guest congrats on every front::.

Well done, moving things along: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm still resting from yesterday. Ran all over town, managing my errands and getting house guest ready to tackle the cleaning of his tiny bachelor pad and setting up a kitchen. The rest of the house, he's keeping rather minimal as there is just no space. We found a table that would work for his artwork - and serve as a dining table too. Bought a folding camp chair that he can repurpose later to his porch. Holly will take him a log next week, to use as a little table out there too. He's borrowing my air mattress till he figures out getting a mattress into his place. They had some at the thrift store we visited; all brand new.

He's got some "have tos" on his list that I'll remind him of on Monday... then the "mom reflex" needs to stand down. He can get to everything he needs on foot; with public transportation; possibly a bike or moped. With a ride or Uber, he can get to the train system and get back to Baltimore when he's ready for that. He has several lines on jobs too, to follow up on. The place is very small; think small even for a tiny house - but he does have a porch, and a back yard/parking area; it's extremely private and VERY green in that section of town - surrounded by single family homes. He's only a couple of small town blocks to the main downtown area. LOL, and he can pizza and other food delivered... unlike out in my neck of the woods. Should he need them, the hospital staff are close too. Hol introduced him to the good friends she's known in town for ages... so it's a good supportive send-off, launching platform for him.

We have gotten really used to him being here in 3 months - even though he was in the hospital for almost 2 of those months. So, Hol and I are readjusting to having "our" space back again... and I'm catching up on some of those tasks that I just let slide off the list, indulging my "need to be needed" for as much as he would let me. We worked out those boundaries pretty well this 2nd time. And he helped me a lot in the garage and with ideas on some of my projects.

Only this past week or so, is the weather conducive and other projects moving some "requirements" along to getting back in that groove. But I still have some time yet and can work at my own pace again. My head is taking a serious look at the "need to be needed" thing... and I think I can shift it a little, direct it into "purpose" and adapt it to better identifying and fulfilling my own needs as well. At least, there is now space to do that and the freedom to go about it, the way I like to. LOL.

We discussed all the varying forms of "freedom" in some depth and detail. And it's link to being "connected" to others and yet in control of the things we all need to really have our "own life".

[lighter]

Lordy, that need to be needed thing, Amber.

So many sharp edges, and tiny spaces for it to creep back in, IME.

I hope house guest is OK.

Truly.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((Amber))))).

I wonder if a wiser way to enact the human need to be needed, in your case, because of boundary challenges, wouldn't be to be a minnow.

IOW, to join other minnows in a small pond of altruistic productivity? Rather than re-event all wheels because you are always a cowgirl?

IOW, to volunteer with an existing worthy organization that is not perfect but stems from the local community and responds to real needs there?

Habitat for Humanity?
Rescue squad/fire house support?
Women's shelter?
Animal shelter?
Hospital volunteers?
Small biz mentoring?
Civil rights group?
Food insecurity help?
Community garden?

Just a thought. Seems that introversion can become isolation and intelligence and independence can become stratification? Interesting to follow that line of thought, anyway. Not a substitute for highly individual, highly personalized meetings of needs. But a complement that anchors it into wider community in a mental-health affirming way, imo.

Couple hours a week or a half-day a month can bring a big shift in perspective, allow you to be needed but in a way you do not always completely structure yourself. (Out of the comfort zone, I know...but it's just a hunch you'd benefit.)

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Focus for the next little while is just on me, me, me Hops. With Hol having a "standing coffee date" once a week with her friends over the mtn... including former house guest... there's a whoosh of "settling" energy for a bit. She has lots of other things going on, too - I can't keep up with her doin's. I'm struggling a little against just resting, because I have things to finish up, "just the way I want"... but on the whole I'm happy to have some "rutabaga" (ie, vegetable) time. I've caught a bit of cold bug or something is acting like pollen - even tho the weather people say it's low right now - and the trees really aren't doing much here.

The weather isn't helping; chilly and gray - but blessedly drying up around here! When I'm ready to don the boots & pearls and climb back into the bobcat, it'll need to be a little warmer. So I'm thankful I don't have to fight the mud right now. Spring just isn't strong enough to move winter along on it's way to the end of the year yet.

I have lots of non-farm related stuff to attend to, also. Legal stuff. Changes. After now years of thinking about it, I think I'm finally ready to sit down and git R done. Just letting passionate feelings settle long enough to finally know, it's the right thing to do... even if, that was my initial instinct. Making plans for me, too. But they aren't as far along yet.

[Hopalong]

Well all that sounds healthy too!
It's good to hear your focus less on Hol and more on your own life.
(That doesn't diminish her significance in your life, but it's good to hear you kind of back in your own life, which is where we all mostly must live and make decisions.)

Big hugs and kudos,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

annnnnnndddd... just like that, outta the blue...

I got an invitation to meet someone over dinner. Not from the dating site; from one of the forums I read from time to time. I don't post much anymore there because I just spend too much time chatting online with people anyway. Pretty much down to this place (you all) and one other off-grid forum of folks I've known and had mutually caring communications with for a long time.

I've been tossing around whether I would respond to him; and how. Hol took off to hunt morels with her "green man" sweetie. I'm just fiddling around this morning getting things tidied up - will have company the end of the month again. My friend Deb and possibly one of the gents from that forum that I'm still participating in. We're trading some things; and his health is very fragile now. He let me call him at any time of night when I was going through the worst of the Mike thing. A friend; a good friend. Not to say I don't entertain fantasies from time to time. But he really is terminal and may not be able to make the trip. He's postponed a couple times already because of needing hospital care. He's wanting to hang in there until his daughter graduates HS.

It's warm enough today I might need to put shorts on... so many things "to-do"... that I've been just living with, the way it is and doing other things. I just need to start SOMEwhere and get a couple of those things off my mental list.

[lighter]

Hi Amber:L

Just a reminder to not get all bug bit in those shorts.  It could be time to sluff, have a pedicure, and pay attention to moisturizing hands, face, and skin generally, bc you just never know; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Well there you go! Just dinner. And just a human.

What's nice, I found, is to think of any/every date as "practice."
That really bleeds the valve and lowers the psi.

You're awesome, Amber. And doing such a great job of living life.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

That all sounds like you're in a good place, Skep   The dinner sounds like a really nice opportunity.  I did laugh about the duct tape in the dating profile   Lol, it might be the bit that makes some men more interested!  You never know   I hope the dinner goes well and I'm glad things have worked out with your houseguest - he's been very lucky to find you and H.  I hope H's house plans start to come along well, will you manage that as well as your own place or is Holly doing everything to do with it?  It all sounds very exciting (and busy!) xx