Yeah, no Hops. For one thing, I absolutely don't have the craving, desire, need to make images (art) anymore. It may/may not return. My creativity is going into the farm, planting, etc. And that's actually my kind of FUN. Right now, the clematis and rhododenrens are starting to fade from the height of their glory but they were absolutely gorgeous this year; roses are coming on and it'll soon be time for mountain laurel too. I have a lilac and really nice red raspberry to plant. A couple plum tomatoes; all the garlic & onions I planted are up... and I'm really glad I finished the kitchen beds, with Holly's help.
I have pre-paid my volunteering debt many years ago. I'm feeling more needy these days than generous; but that's transient. Tomorrow I could see someone that I could totally help and drop everything to do so. It's either directly person to person for me, or totally anonymous. There is nothing, no reason, for me to bother with anything in between. That just feeds ego.
There might be a few adventures left in me - but I don't know what they are yet. Investigating that. And my idea of "community" is much different than "normal". It's more like Vonnegut's korass. So that, I may not interact with someone for 20 years - and then when I do, we just take off from where we left off. It crosses time and space.
And I have one basic emotional need at the moment - fill that hole available for a guy who can assure me he's there for me... but doesn't suffocate me, that will let me do the same for him too. When I "crash & burn" emotionally, it's because even the strongest people crave someone to turn to, that they can lean on - emotionally, intellectually, mechanically - whatever.
Fortunately, that need isn't a constant; it's just a periodic thing. Like maybe every 6 months to annually; LOL. My pack of big brothers all look out for me and even try to stand-in for that need when it comes up, too. Ya can't beat that! No socks to wash. I get the most fabulous compliments from the married guys, actually. Guys my age or older; and the younger guys - Hol's age. They are super-sweet to me and very helpful. And it's like grandchildren - I can send them home again. LOL.
Some of them aren't the epitome of "tall, dark & handsome" or even that strong anymore - but if I call or say please help... they're right there. Even Ronnie. Maybe it's coz I don't ask - don't have to ask - that often. Got another guy, that we've been talking for years about a trade. He's making me something I've wanted for the long time, himself. I'm trading him something he's wanted for a long time. AND he's going to give my Rubicon a thorough going over. After he drives here from south of where I lived on the beach. We both know he's terminal due to some blatant medical malpractice; but he was the one person I could call at 3 am, 3 sheets to the wind and bawling my eyes out about Mike or madder than hell and he just let me vent, calmed me down, and helped me stop beating myself up over not being a trauma nurse or endowed with the power of life and death.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop hugging him when he gets here. LOL.