Thanks Tupp, I should know by now, that communicating from within intense emotion isn't exactly "ideal conditions" for understanding. LOL. Sorry for the confusions, y'all.
What I see now, is that Buck & I are in the process of developing our own private language. I can recognize it, because Hol & I have one too. It seems to be a part of that shared intimacy & trust space and I dunno, if that's just peculiar to me or if other people experience it too. Seems the participants in my space do. So, for me to try communicating to you all from within that space... leaves a lot to be desired for you... since I skipped a lot; assumed you knew a lot more than was the case; and saw things through my eyes.
That space of intimacy is growing fast; this isn't "dating". This is deciding, each of us, that this is a relationship we want and are committed to. Full on green light - WITH the escape clause still intact for both of us. For the space of a year. Yeah, that's unusual. And I thought Mike was a fast situation, so it's not like I don't have some prior experience here. It's really pretty strange how quickly I can recognize another human who is very much compatible with me; or that I instantly develop a bond with. Buck takes the record, at within 6 hours. LOL, he said as much to me, too. Eating lunch on Saturday was his litmus test. He isn't comfortable eating with a lot of people. I forgot to even watch for that in myself; I do that too sometimes.
Yes, it's helpful that we already knew so much about each other. But there is also that vast body of small things, some very important, some not at all... that are being learned, sort of "out of order". We both seem to be able to do that without a lot of discomfort.
Now, re: his health and physical condition. While the surgeries are major and the infection is likely permanent, at this point (it can be controlled; maintained at a low level which doesn't impact people with healthy immune systems around him) - this guy can still go work 12-14 days doing hard manual labor. It's harder to get him to slow down & take it easy enough to give his body a chance to heal. So the "terminal" aspect of it HAS cropped up, but it's definitely not as big a deal as the docs scared him into believing. In that respect, we're all terminal, right? He fusses over the things that get in his way of being the best he can possibly be, physically; doing what he knows he could do... if all the medical stuff would get calibrated and finished up in a timely fashion - without people goofing up, not caring as much as he does, or unforeseen consequences of everything to date and catch-22s that keep him in limbo. He has way more strength & stamina than I do. To say nothing of patience with the constant delays and foul-ups.
So, it's not like he needs a nurse; and he sure doesn't need a mommy (phew!). I'm slowly but surely figuring it out that he needs a best friend to just always be looking out for him, as much as he's looking out for others. That's not to say, that he's a pushover and is easily taken advantage of, either. He's not; and he's not someone people should try do that to. They'll end up learning an important life lesson.
He does withdraw sometimes; which is something I empathize with. He withdraws to deal with anger; and the past. But if I give him that space... then he can talk about it. Which is something I don't think he's had a lot of in his life; someone to just listen and let him BE. And not try to change him or judge him or run away from him, shrieking in terror & accusation. He is a big teddy bear; not a scary monster. But even teddy bears get angry and hurt.
He's super funny, but never in a mean way - it's always gentle. And he oozes kindness for all things wounded that aren't able to protect themselves.
We're also starting to develop those daily rituals/routines even despite the distance; go figure. And it in no way is detracting from the romantic & passionate stuff of a brand-new connection either. So.... it's all good here. I can't believe how damn lucky I am; still kinda pinching myself.
