2019 Farm Life

[Hopalong]

Yes yes yes. Hol is encouraged to step back and respect your new, healthily-articulated boundaries. Maybe take her a while (un-entangling from enmeshment does) but there's hope she'll get out of this pattern. If YOU stop first, you'll be helping both of you. She doesn't know any better *yet*. It sounds like one of those things that does NOT need to be verbally narrated or explained, but enacted.

You enact healthy boundaries.
She is confused/resistant for a while.
She catches on, and then gets on with her own maturation.

That's what I'm hoping for you both!

I think it's really good that you are sensitive that Buck has his D to deal with and must do it in his own way. Bravo. One day the relationships in all directions will be happier because you accept that at the outset.

When is beach? Can I come?

LOL.

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Beach is on hold, because communications with docs/appts is non-existent. So we can't settle on dates yet. Medical stuff comes first. Could be more surgery involved; surgeon is taking his own sweet time deciding what to do. The docs apparently think he's one of those old guys strapped into a recliner 18 hrs a day.

He's actually in better shape that some guys 10 or more years younger. But because of this snafu with the med devices and the effects of the original spinal injury which isn't being corrected by the incomplete status of the devices... he occasionally falls, because he has no sensation/control of one of his legs that gives out from under him. I think one of the falls dislodged the pain pump, and that's a problem that needs a surgical fix. Then there's the issue of FILLING the pump, which can't happen till he's "cleared" from the staph infection he picked up in the hospital... and in 3 months they haven't even taken a sample & TESTED it. So, the only pain medication he can take is oral; and you know how the rules/regs of those pharmaceuticals have made life difficult for people with chronic pain.

Because he's a VA patient, it's not like he can just go to a different doctor or hospital too. They have to pre-approve EVERYTHING. Logistical nightmare. And loads of drama.

So far, I'm not getting too sucked into that. There is little I can do to help; I do that... and let him figure out how to get the care he's supposed to be getting. It's a tad frustrating for me; I don't like feeling helpless. But in this case, I actually am helpless to help him. All I can do is hear him out, care, and let him know I'm still here.

And all of his possible medical options depend on the decision of the Navy (two months overdue) as to whether they want to recall him to active duty.

It's starting to feel to me, like he might be out of reach. That my understanding of the worst case scenario - never seeing him again - might end up being the reality we deal with.

[Hopalong]

Oh, man.
I'm so sorry, Amber.

I hope it's not true that he's out of reach. That would be a heartbreak neither of you needs.
But thank you for such a clear explanation of what he's dealing with medically.

Is there a VA facility near you? If so, is it not possible that once all this stuff DOES get sorted, he'd be able to access ongoing care there?

Hugs and comfort,
Hops

[lighter]

Oh, no.  I'm so sorry the medical stuff, and decision to recall B or not recall B is so up in the air.

If he were to get recalled, what would that look like?  I mean, would he be training people on a base?  Could you visit, and spend time with him? 

I don't understand.  It's not like they'd send him out of the country with his medical issues... right?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I don't understand the ins/out of VA insurance and how that works Hops. But there is an arrangement where vets can get care outside of those hospitals. And his medical devices definitely puts him in that category; problem comes up where only certain hospitals/docs are "approved" and the patient has to jump through 100 hoops and wait forever to even get a second opinion. Sigh. The bureaucracy in gov't is now so big & complex that entropy has set in and is definitely affecting effectiveness of "mission".

Martinsburg is the closest VA hospital; and their record is awful. BUT the Valley Health system is partnered with them, in Winchester. And their care/docs is pretty GOOD. First hand knowledge there.

Lighter, IF recalled it's going to cost the Navy a LOT of money (back pay, is required; and in his case that's over 20 years). Yes, he'd likely be a trainer. And according to him, in 6 mos he'd be eligible for full retirement. So it wouldn't be a long haul. But given his current medical snafu - he couldn't even be cleared for training duty. So WHY don't they just go on and release him already; why drag their feet??? Another former military friend suggested that B's specialty is so valuable to the Navy right now; that that's why they're even considering it. (I already knew he was special - LOL)

So; my feelings about all this. They've been roller-coastering again; pureed to a smooth consistency. There's been LOTS of drama attached to B's life and while he is in the process of separating himself from it all... it seems, like always, when you try to let something go is when it reaches the height of intensity. And some of that, is because he has old deep wounds (nonphysical) that heighten the impact of certain kinds of daily life stresses. At least, that's what I've distilled out from sitting with his descriptions and my feelings... and his reactions too. I guess he came to the right place; I wouldn't know ANYTHING about how our mental lens can make things like that appear bigger than they really are.......        LOL

Obviously there are some other things that take precedence before we can even talk about that. Yesterday he found out that one office didn't transmit ALL the information required to another office by the deadline (VA determined) for him to start having this pain pump filled. The pain has finally caught up to him and he hasn't been able to sleep or work this week. Spinal injuries always involve nerve pain. Now, the paperwork snafu, means he will have to wait a whole 'nother MONTH, for things to line up again. MEANWHILE, there are absolutely NO other pain relief options open to him except massive doses of ibuprofen. And he can't not work for a month. It's been 3 months since his surgery and the low dose the pump was filled with at time has now degraded/run out. It will start alarming soon, on top of everything else.

And this is how vets fall through the cracks of the "system". (Tupp probably knows how others do too.)

I'm not B's wife; nor his health POA. I can't advocate for him or follow up with these people. I can only suggest to him, ways to get past the roadblocks. Fortunately, he's not passive about all this. But he might be just a tad too the opposite - very aggressive - which I can understand, but doesn't contribute to generating cooperation, coordination, or results. LOL. So I've been looking at herbal alternatives for things. He's very open to that, if it helps. So that's one way I can "do something" and maintain a more positive outlook.

It just feels like we're having to climb mountains, cross oceans, and fight tooth & nail to get our way clear to just BEING together for a few days. It's discouraging; I succumb and think the worst. But he's not at ALL like Mike in this respect. And if I can stand back long enough to let him get his head clear... he goes to work on it. Carefully, methodically and with great focus and precision.

This is what I mean by we're moving into way deeper levels of relationship, out of sync with the chronology of feeling that there is a potential for this level of connection. Some of it is very new experience for me and all my past relationship experience is totally irrelevant to this present one. One the one hand - I CAN see all this very clearly, but it sometimes feels like I'm blindfolded. And all I can do is TRUST. It's very "weird" - in all the connotations and meanings of the source of that word.

[sKePTiKal]

Boy was that a ramble (above). More clearly stated, we both pulled back and re-evaluated what needs to happen and how it can be possible. Throughout the day yesterday - B worked through all of his plans (a, b, & onwards) to get the result he wants. There is one last thing; and he's holding that back for a week, to see if all the other people/offices he is relying on, follow through. Then, that tactic gets deployed. He refuses to give up; as he should. Getting these devices all settled down and functioning the way they're supposed to is the ONLY thing standing in the way of him having a really active, decent quality of life.

And then we spent the evening texting silly things to each other. He makes me LAUGH like no one else has; he's so terribly smart underneath that reserved simple country-boy demeanor. He knows when to stop feeling sorry for himself, even under the cloud of constant pain, before it turns to self-pity -- and he won't let me over-empathize either. He's definitely conscious of how what he lives with affects me - and works extra hard to make sure I know he's got it covered. And it seems, I'm the one that has to reassure him, instead, that I can deal with MY crap just fine by myself too. And we've only really butted heads once, over that kind of thing. And then sorted it out.

The only thing that comes up and bugs me a lot - is that he isn't HERE to touch; hear his voice; see the look in his eyes or how he's moving this day. And that's just the way it has to be right now. DUMB THOUGHT - just passed through my head maybe coz of Lighter's new thread - this relationship is almost growing in reverse to what I went through with releasing Mike. The physical/spirit energy absence... but still feeling connected & love... is the phase I'm in now. Guess I'll be sitting with that in the bobcat today, moving buckets of shale to the barn, to cover my drain pipe.

[Hopalong]

Wild thought.

Have you ever considered abandoning the farm for three months to go be with Buck?

Hmmm. Cwazy.

Hops

[lighter]

Going to see Buck for 2 weeks?  4?

A week even?

Just to reconnect, touch, and feel his smile on your face.

And maybe take old bottles of pain pills if they're laying around?

I never finish pain meds.  I keep them in case I smash a finger or something like that.  There are some on the island, bc you just never know.

Why can't B get his own oral prescriptions for nerve pain IN HIS F'in SPINE for Pete's sake?  He shouldn't have to suffer.  Why would anyone have to suffer like that when all these pain meds are prescribed like crazy these days?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmm. Yes, I believe I've mentioned the difficulties scheduling the beach trip. And there are a plethora of personal reasons why he doesn't want me just showing up there. Like, the now 18 yr old daughter that he's tried so hard to keep on the straight & narrow; (he doesn't want to give her any reason to question why he's been so strict, but having different standards for himself - especially about her choice in boyfriends; which got her in trouble skipping class at the end of last year) his ex-wife who only NOW is interested in the D and as usual, is angling for the remaining financial commitments documented in their divorce agreement. And the ex is trouble. Mentally, emotionally, socially, and even in his business dealings. They've been divorced 18 years. Telling her no, has been counterproductive. She finds some other ways to make him miserable, even in just short visits with the D. He confides his anxiety and resistance and disgust at having to share the same space with her. I can relate. I feel exactly the same about Hol's Dad, even more years later, still. But I also know from that experience, it takes two to tango. He can't be totally innocent & blameless; even if it's only a matter of having unrealistic expectations. He participated. Made choices.

So the story goes. (insert one raised eyebrow emoji here) Ye olde "Skeptical" is positive there is more to this story that I haven't heard yet. Sensitive male ego, perhaps; a deep emotional wound, probably; betrayal for sure. And the massive complexity of still being "owned" by the US Gov's military and at the mercy of today's medical "system". And having lived through my parent's god-awful messy and catastrophic divorce, including me being collateral damage because of it... I wait for the bits of story to come out and only gently question. I know better than to trample that boundary and demand a full-accounting. But I also understand that leaves me wide open to being deceived; even if it's for harmless intentions (like trying to protect me from his mess to deal with) it's still indicative of shaky trust.

So, I DO ask questions. I do express my wish to just look into his actual eyes, not just a picture. I do accept that in many ways, he's shy. Fearful of being judged; criticized; perhaps holding some shame. But I stay on my side of that boundary. And protect my side of it. I've informed him of the same. I have to; no one else will do so. And he knows I need to know exactly what might come back to haunt him later.

So, because he certainly has justifiable reason to fear that if ex finds out about me and my financial situation... she will insert nose and start making demands and creating trouble. My discomfort about this notwithstanding, he is treading very carefully to be able to keep me "under wraps"; not even his D knows - because she's been trained to not lie and therefore doesn't hold up under direct questions. All she knows is that when she starts college, Dad is starting over somewhere else. Financial commitments to ex fulfilled and clear of anything in his past - to the best of his ability - that might create a problem in the future. (Nope; I don't have that full list yet.) He's not abandoning the D, just waiting till things are situated the way he wants to tell her everything. I think he's been a little over-protective of her but everyone parents differently.

Since there isn't anything in his background check that gave me pause, I can only assume that most of this is stuff that's dripping poison from an old wound emotionally, that hasn't healed yet. Completely. Mostly military related, too. I know how our brains can amplify things like that, and make them seem to be greater sins than they actually are.

So, yes.... a complicated man. Complicated situation. Entanglements in drama that isn't even mine; and I'm happy enough to stay out of it and not make things worse by donning my superhero cape. I think he's always going to need his own space to deal with his own stuff his way, too. His whole life has gone that way. That's an important data point for me. For staying on my own path, sharing what we share... and remaining individuals.

[Hopalong]

This all sounds extremely wise to me, Amber.

When his D moves out of the nest (she lives with him now?) it'll be much easier for a path to clear.

It sounds as though his toxic ex needs to know NOTHING about your existence until he is fully and entirely clear of her, financially. Ew, ew. And how wise of you to recognize unfinished business when you see it or smell it. Whatever his contribution, it's his sticky web to disassemble. I'm just sorry you have to wait, when you could use his company and presence now.

So frustrating as it is, I understand why you're not venturing into that space. Sounds like it's mined.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Indeed Hops. I lived through my own toxic messes; I don't need to involve myself in his. He has told me, volunteered actually, the details. It hasn't come out all at once; and I'm OK with that. This narrative started the weekend he was here; back in June. Now, I have opinions of course, about why after 18 years of divorce he is still dealing with this... but those aren't terribly important; and don't change the facts of the situation at all.

He kept the house, with the obligation to split sale proceeds later on, to provide a home for the daughter he raised by himself. Then, there is the health insurance. When you're a divorced parent there is a sense of being locked into having some form of relationship or contact - for the child's sake. Limited contact kind of best describes that situation. Unfortunately, she feels that entitles her to stick her nose in his life... and criticize and judge... and make life melodramatic and problematic for him. He is counting the days until he can go no contact, completely. I fully understand how stressful that kind of forced relationship is. So, I'm practicing a lot of listening skills... LOL. Letting him vent and only rarely do I make suggestions about strategies for him, in dealing with her. He seems to manage pretty well; has good coping skills; but he gets frustrated, upset, and angry just like anyone would. He manages all those feelings himself; the most I do is listen & just talk about mundane daily stuff... and often that's all it takes for him to cheer up a little; not take so much on himself - but he still takes responsibility for his past decisions and knows he has to see this out to the absolute end... selling the house, closing the bike shop business and getting the daughter moved into a dorm. Not to mention, get the docs to finish up the process of bringing his medical devices into full functioning calibration. I have mentioned he doesn't need to take the abuse she doles out, but he feels it's his karma until the very last day.

He's kinda bionic that way. LOL. As for my desperate impatience to spend time with him, he's already told me he has the advantage there because of all the deployments; sometimes months or years long. He's used to long-distance relationships. It's not permanent; and all good things come to those who wait. So that's just the way things are, unless or until a couple things on his list finally get resolved. Then maybe we can sneak away somewhere together. I would even be content waiting - if he could just resolve the medical stuff. I'd know he was feeling better and back up to his normal energizer bunny activity level.

So, I'm taking out my frustrations on my own list. I'm just about done with the drainage at the barn. I'll have to finish up by hand. Then I've got to do some maintainance on 2 mowers; mow the field one more time - and start discing the garden beds. We have 4 geese now in the pond field, keeping the few chickens company. Hol will bring some more birds over next week.

We have wood to finish splitting and stacking and there is ALWAYS brush to weedeat, prune or cut. Speaking of which, I still need to clean up the stove after the first fire I had last week. Except for that and laundry - I'm not doing ANYTHING today except go pick up Matthew. We'll hit it again Monday.

[lighter]

I don't like you having be kept "under wraps" Amber.  I don't like it at all.

At the same time, I don't like what PDs DO with information. 

I get both angles  They both make me uncomfortable.

I have to tell you... I am completely lost with regard to B's relationship with his ex of 18years.  Was she pregnant when they divorced?  Do they share living space or work space or live in a compound?

Forgive me if you explained this.  I forget.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

You sound really sane, mature and REALISTIC, Amber.

B sounds like somebody who's still in a kind of psychological dance with ex....BUT, since his daughter is 18 now, legally adult and about to exit the nest (she lives with him? her mom?) ... this has a short shelf life.

I think you'll hold on and hold steady until and unless you run out of patience. Just warn him when you feel that's coming. You're not there yet.

And, he's clearly taking steps and making plans and doing the best he can to make it happen as soon as it reasonably can.

I hope for a rendezvous for you two, as soon as it's realistic to arrange.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's OK Lighter. It's complicated. So I understand how you might not be able to keep things straight. The D was adopted; ex ended the relationship (for all intents & purposes) on the way to pick up said infant girl. Divorce followed shortly thereafter. The ongoing "relationship" since then involves legal entanglements that aren't done until he sells the house - and parenting. She seems to believe that he's going to always be available for taking out her frustrations on. LOL.... we'll see about that. He seems to have weathered the ongoing abuse pretty well; he's pretty intact after all those years. But until this year, he was staring at a solitary life till the end of his days - and he was resigned to that. Obviously, that's changed. And he's back in defensive mode again. He has hopes to protect.

Hops - nine more months and counting. There isn't going to be ANY man my age who doesn't have what I call "baggage" to deal with. Or scars of some sort. He is working hard to make this go smoothly - and to be able to make a clean getaway, without any loose ends that will come back to haunt him. I have to give him that space, while we're still friends and getting to know each other thoroughly. Meanwhile, I'm working hard here to settle my business estate; insure Hol's future... and her independence... and get her house built. She's working hard around the farms; to the point she's not sure she even needs a gym. LOL.

We had become friends years ago online. Then the phone calls started; he being concerned about the level of my distress over Mike and throwing me a lifeline. Someone to talk to in the middle of the night. All while keeping a "proper" distance. And things went back the other way during the last 2 years of medical nightmare with him. He counted; he's had 23 surgical appts (not actual surgeries; some follow ups or dealing with bad results) in the last 2 years. And things like that make it sound like he's a basket case physically. But I can guarantee you he's NOT. Yes, he deals with constant pain; and sometimes - like now - it's terrible. Because it's been 3 months since his pain pump was installed and it still hasn't been filled. The oral painkillers simply don't help much because the pump drips morphine directly into his spinal column; so it's never exactly in his bloodstream - it's sent directly to the nerves. The docs had ONE JOB to do; and they need to finish it.

As far as the ex, he lives with my baggage too and the echoes of Mike's and my relationship. He handles that way more gracefully than I'd expect a new guy to be able to do. I'm not going to interfere with what he thinks is necessary to "make her go away; go away mad but just go away". But he's already been warned, that I will be involved if she shows her face - or other body parts - if we do decide to walk along together, in 9 months. SOP for me and I guarantee she won't like me a bit. Mama Tiger is built-in to my psyche.

So, it's 9 months till we really get to the starting line. AND THEN, we'll make decisions.* Meanwhile, these kinds of details of our lives are getting shared; stories told; emotional ups & downs learned; we're leaning on each other getting through difficult days (or nights) and making each other smile and laugh. We're doing all the "daily checkins, and chit-chat" that couples do. Neither of us is facing our lives alone anymore. Even if we're not together. Thank god for cell phones. LOL. Still, I think I'm going to write him weekly letters.

*This is his plan, based on what he's trying to resolve and get UNtangled from... and it is wise. I understand why he wants that. It's not a controlling thing or a power play. I know he wishes things were different too. But they're not so we do what we have to. I think I can give him patience on my part despite my innate motivation to "make things just so".

[lighter]

OK.  Thanks for providing clarity.

One more question.

What space is Buck sharing with the ex, if any?

I'm in no way judging, but I am trying to understand just how complicated his situation is.  I thought dd18 went to visit her mom somewhere else,  then came back to Buck?

Selling a house, in both parties names, will be a nightmare, IME. Hopefully B just has to sell, then give ex a certain amount of money, like my dad did with my mother 20 years after their divorce.

I get that. 

Lighter