Author Topic: Embracing The Positive  (Read 2855 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #105 on: May 20, 2019, 12:13:16 AM »
Tupp wrote:

"That's a good improvement and where I need to get to, I think, although maybe I'm getting there.  At a most basic level I still feel like I wasn't good enough for my mum to love me as I was, or for anyone else in the family to rescue me from her and deranged stepdad.  So I think rejections from friends echo that, as do the confusing signals or the wanting to be around me when I do what they need, but not what I need.  So working on being disappointed rather than devastated seems like a good next step for me to get to."


I wonder how much inner turmoil is old struggle, and our search for resolution, Tupp.

If we work it out, on paper, in our heart and mind, internalize it, and make peace with it.... forgive those who tie us to the struggles...... can we leave it behind,  and put distance on it?  Can we learn to take it out of the box,  to work on it, and put it back in till we've excercised and banished it?  Practice breath meditation.  Complete rituals, and cut ties, finally.

You're paying attention, and noticing your inner world.... and connecting your dots, Tup.  You're smart, and focused, and worthy.  You have space for better things, and identify the 95/5 relationships that might require pruning..... it's the old patterns, the old tapes running in the background that need dealt with?

I believed we required peace, and respite from the siege to heal, gain distance,  and process the past so we could put it down.  Maybe that makes it easier, but there's more to be done to identiy the old motivations... as you're doing, then root them out, so there's interior space in our worlds for something else.

I think it's not fair, and will never be fair, can never be fair, but necessary to forgive so we can emotionally, and energetically cut ties with the negative people, so we can fill our worlds with something else.

I guess we're back to trusting karma and the universe to handle the harmful people, for us, so we can turn away, in every way, and get out of that negative space.

Getting out of that space seems very important, to me, right now.  I can feel it inside my rib cage, left rear, and I'm ready to get it out, and be rid of it.

Can you feel the negative energy in your body, and where is it?  There's more to this than just making peace, and learning to meditate, reframe, and refocus when we're drifting back, IME.

We have to actually break old emotional ties, for ourselves, bc that negative space also keeps us mired.... like being under siege, and fending off problems in the moment... paperwork, incompetent people, lonliness, exhaustion, despair happening in the now...... there are levels to be addressed. 

Mind, body, and spirit. 

Balance to be struck.

You're so strong.  I think strength can keep us mired, rather than help.  I've broken down, and admitted I can't go on the way I am many times in the last 3 years.  Instead of feeling complete despair, there's been relief.... and letting go of some expectations, and habits I held.  For myself. 

I think we have to review our expectations for ourselves, what we believe makes us who we are, and how it's shaping our worlds..... challenge those beliefs, and shape the next phase of life for ourselves.... like Amber's working on.

It's unfair to ignore the mind, the body, or the spirit and expect change to become new reality.  It's a balancing act, and it's putting new habits in place, and forgiving ourselves when we bobble, or get stuck.

I think I've repeated that enough times for one morning.  It feels like I say the same thing in many ways, bc I'm trying to figure it out, and internalize it too!

(((Tupp)))

I hope you're enjoying sunshine, and fellowship right now.  I hope your garden is coming along, a bit at a time.... and that the small gains are fulfilling for you. 

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter, I'm nodding my head all the way through that as well.  You are all so nice to me, and so wise :)

I think something that has been a problem has been there have just been so many things to deal with, for so long, you're just fire fighting the whole time.  There's not the time and space for depth, or thinking, or breathing, or just doing something for the fun of it, because you're in constant work mode.  I think that's what's changing - things are opening up, and slowing down in some ways.  I do think I need to make more conscious choices about how I spend my time and what I do with it, because for a long time those choices have been made for me - x, y and z needed doing, then I could catch some sleep, then get up and do it all again.  That's all I could do, and for a long time so much was so negative and scary - God, it's been scary - that it just hasn't been possible to do anything other than get through the day and cope.  And I think when we moved I thought, at last, I'm going to have friends around me and this is going to be so much fun.  And it hasn't been, they just haven't been there.  Expectations again, isn't it?  But yes - moving on.  I think the groups thing is working well for me.  Two groups involving disability and the parents are nice in both groups.  The sustainability group, they're really lovely, I enjoyed seeing them.  So that's good for now, a bit of social interaction, visits to the beach, summer holidays are coming up and I think I'd like to focus on making the house nicer ready for winter coming and having to spend more time indoors again.  It's all heading in the right direction, isn't it? xx

lighter

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #106 on: May 24, 2019, 10:06:14 AM »
I think it IS heading in the right direction, Tupp: )

Sometimes it feels like transferring a TOO heavy bucket of water from the hand that's been holding it....

above my head.....

with long nails.....

INTO the hand that's been waiting to take it......

but things keep coming up, and making it impossible to complete the transfer.....
and so I keep going, the way I have been, the only way I know how, without respite to figure out how to transfer, and breath, and let the one hand rest while the other feels strong, and takes the weight for a while so I can think, and plan, and execute. 

So many thing need review, and updating..... in every way.  Top to bottom. 

My habits, self care, what I think about, how I do things, who I spend time with.

But I don't think I can do that while I chop wood, and carry water the way I always have.  I have to figure out how to create the space, and take pressure off fatigued systems working too hard for too long without relief.

And a lot of the pressure and lifting is self imposed, bc I haven't identified habits and patterns I need to change.

I have to find the energy to review,  but energy is going places, out of habit, that aren't efficient, or helpful anymore.

I have to say that self care, and addressing the brain stuff brings relief.

Consequences are huge waves of creativity, and automatic time for stretching, and other various self care that isn't hard, or difficult.... it feels great, and I enjoy it.  This morning I watched the sun come up while stretching on my lovely back porch.  It's important to get those early rays inside the eye for hormone function, and I wonder what I put down SO I COULD PICK THIS UP without strain, or tension.

There's no tension around self care right now!

I wake up feeling energized, and can't wait to get started with projects I have planned, or in motion...
6 tons of rock delivered yesterday, and I have a lot of it down in the front, and maybe 3 more tons to place.  Gravel arrives Monday for the muddy path area.

A neighbor comes today to discuss putting paneling in the upstairs bath.

The brain assessments are complete, and neuro feedback sessions are scheduled to be completed next month!

Will get girl's wisdom teeth out this summer.

Lots of Ts in place, for us all, and youngest dd has 3 T's in place to address knees. 

We love our new GP, and have blood work scheduled.

I have lots done for DD18's grad card..... willbe a little book with her life represented. 

The moss is SO HAPPY!

It's lovely to feel.....

the absence of dread.

I think that's what it is, I'm identifying right now.

It's new. 

::nodding::

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #107 on: May 24, 2019, 11:15:13 AM »
Yes, changing the habits or patterns is time consuming and requires thought and practise which is difficult when you're busy and you naturally fall back into doing what you always did.  You have to sort of get on with it whilst noticing the old stuff and trying it the new way so you're sort of working in triplicate all the time, which is exhausting and it's easy to stop doing it and not realise you've gone back to the old way.  The absence of dread is a nice way to put it :)

Glad you have got all the assessments done and things are moving forward, Lighter, nice to have energy at the start of the day!  And happy moss as well, how fabulous :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #108 on: October 13, 2019, 02:45:58 AM »
I thought I'd update this thread as, although I feel our situation at the moment isn't great, it has made me realise what I don't want, and what doesn't work for us - which I think is a positive?!  Lol, it gives me somewhere to work from and something to push against I suppose.  So ............................................

I've posted a lot over the years about feeling let down by friends, many times, and as you know, I feel it's happened again since we moved here.  I struggle over this a lot - do I expect too much, am I unreasonable, is it me, do I put people off, and so on.  But the conclusion I've come to is that I want people in my life who enjoy my company enough to want to spend time with me, either in person or on the phone, and who, when my company isn't great because my life isn't ticking along too well, care enough about me to still reach out and just say, "I'm here, do you need me?".  And I don't think that is a lot to ask of anybody.

I am lucky that I have got friends like that, and moving away from them has made me appreciate them all the more.  They are lovely people and I'm very lucky to have them in my life (that goes for you guys as well, although the good thing with you is that you move with me because you all live in the laptop :) Lol).

I do want a caring, loving partner.  I can see that now, it's becoming a priority for me.  For a long time it wasn't, but I think now not having someone I'm close to is a big gap in my life and I'd like that to change.

I don't want to be like my mum.  I don't want to be bitter and resentful and full of hate for people, and determined to create pain for them whenever I get the chance.  I can see the scared, hurt little girl in her and for a long time I felt that, in some way, I still wanted to help her and that there might be a way through everything that had happened.  But I don't feel like I want that now.  I think, if she contacted me, saying she was trying to change, was working on herself, was seeing a therapist, etc, then I'd be willing to engage with her again, but I don't want to poke the sleeping bear (as Lighter says).  And I see that as a positive.  A freedom of sorts, as it were.

I do want a good level of income.  For a long time I've really fought against that, and felt that I should be able to be happy on a low income and it shouldn't matter - again, it's a reaction against my mum, who cares more about money than she does anything else.  But I appreciate the ease and comfort in life that money brings - doesn't have to be a fortune, just enough so that there's some left over after the bills have been paid.  I want that now.

What else?  I've weathered another storm, at a time when I didn't feel I had the energy to cope with one more thing.  But I can see the other side again now.  The paperwork mountain, dare I say it, is almost complete and once this year at college is over we will not engage with the public sector like this again - meaning the paperwork will no longer be an issue.  My to do list is down to one side of A4 and shrinking by the day and I'm not going to let it grow like that again.

Once son is out of college we can get on with our own programme again - lots of sensory stuff, learning through play (although play for him these days is computer based so a different kind of play), regular exercise and lots of calming activities.  I have to say I can't wait.

lighter

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #109 on: October 13, 2019, 12:22:00 PM »
Hi, Tupp:

I'm thinking your posts over, and distilling those thoughts down to manageable, hopefully, pieces before I respond.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #110 on: October 13, 2019, 08:36:51 PM »
Tupp, it is a LOVELY and unexpected thing to hear you declare what you DO want.

I'm really delighted you've decided to visualize this (not in the affirmations sense, but in the "allowing for the possibility of good things happening" sense). Money and love. It's fair to want both and everyone needs these. So glad you're allowing yourself these basic human wants.

And I love living in your laptop!

Big hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #111 on: October 14, 2019, 08:10:21 AM »
Tupp:

I think acceptance of your mother's brokeness, as something that's not reversible, is a good thing. 

You can stop looking over your shoulder, wishing and hoping for something that's never going to happen.  For her, or for you. 

I read something yesterday by Andrew Vachss.... that abused children find freedom when they begin self referencing.  When they don't depend on their abuser's ideals, and values any more. 

You've earned many badges of courage, and set your own standards for behavior, and parenting in this world.  Your mother fails every test.  She won't ever rise, or strive to overcome, though she might pretend, at some point, to get your attention.

You're rigth to distance yourself, and give up hope that she can be the mother you deserved, or will be someone who's not toxic to you. 

What a splendid gift,  to consider helping the wounded child in her overcome her own abuse, and trauama.  It's a trap,  bc that ship sailed long ago.  No one could help her, and it makes me very sad to write you can't save her.  You can't.

The only one you can save is yourself, and you've given so much for so long to others.  It's time to define all your lovely edges, and enforce them for your benefit.  You aren't shutting others out, they've already shut themselves out, Tupp.

You're sturdying your ability to respond to those who deserve your attention.

You're sturdying yourself to build a better life for yourself,  and ds.

THOSE are imperatives to live a life by. 

Too long have your abusers made you feel guilty and responsible, bc it suited them. 

Time to excise them, and free up that space for chosen family who deserve you, and all your wonderful gifts. 

When doubt is gone, and you believe you're worthy.... I think it will shine through your eyes, skin, and demeanor, Tupp. 

Shedding that hope, to help your mum, might mean more in your life than you can imagine, IME.  More than any of us can imagine. 

And breathe, Tupp.  Keep breathing.....nurture your nervous system.  Help it help you move into, and sail, calmer waters.  You have YOU on your side, Tupp.  Imagine if you put more energy into your own goals, and care.   You're a powerful force.  Your abusers tried to stomp you into submission, but they failed, and you came out the other side.

You're out physically. 

Finishing this business of obligation and guilt with your mum, internally, should about close that chapter.... I hope.

I picture you moving into spaciousness.... light and roominess, with more choice, and the calm that comes from knowing Tupp is an adult, in charge, and taking care of little Tupp.  Your inner child doesn't have to fear anymore, bc she's cared for......safe now. 

Release your mum with compassion, and know it's OK to do so. 

It's just time, (((Tupp)))

Lighter