Author Topic: daughter in law  (Read 221 times)

lostinspace

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
daughter in law
« on: December 15, 2018, 05:50:14 PM »
I have the daughter in law with the most narcissistic mother in the world. That woman is driving my crazy and preventing thta i guet along wiht my dl. i am at the point that i dont know what todo. Any ideas?

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11316
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2018, 09:37:33 PM »
Welcome back, Lost!
I'd be happy to share ideas, for what they're worth, but would need some specific examples of her behavior and what's happening, to try.

My best understanding about many in-law relationships is that the shallower they are, often the better. Trying to change an N or talking about an N to their own relative usually exhausts you, or backfires.

But I think mine is a pretty vague answer to a pretty general question. Maybe if you tell a few sample stories or encounters, we could pitch in.

Either way, sorry you're going through this, Lost.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lostinspace

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 01:18:56 PM »
The grand-mother, the mother, and the daughter in law live in the house with my son. They have a team. They are psychopaths and my son is totally oblivious to their evil. The three of them are extremely narcissistic. But the also are borderline and love drama and blame me for everything that happens in their lives. They want my son to get distant from my and poison my grand baby against me. I do not know how to act, what to do. My grand baby is the most precious thing to me. He started to reject me suddenly and he used to adore me, but those witches got jealous and who knows what they told him that now he does not want to go out with me. I am going to lose all if a miracle does not happen. I know I cannot change any of them but I want my grand baby's love so much so much. 

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6304
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 03:24:51 PM »
How old is your grandbaby, lostinspace?

You can't really fight the N's, IME. You can attempt to placate them, and never say anything negative to your son about them, IME.  That way, he'll not feel defensive on their account, which makes things much more difficult, IME.

Even saying overtly nice things about them.... might help your son admit to some of the terrible things they're doing... to him... you... his child. 

You can attempt to have the relationship you want to cultivate.  Not play their game, for they play it better, and always will.

I will say this.... once the Ns KNOW you said something negative about them, they'll turn all their fury towards you, always, and it will feel like they mean to murder your relationship with your son/grandson.

This is a matter of gaining your son's trust, should be decide he can't live this way any longer, in which case he'll come to you for help.  You can't offer it, IME. 

 This is a matter of holding still, and remaining positive/neutral, while limiting their wrath.... whatever you have to do to do that, so you can see that baby.  Once they know how you feel, they'll mark you out for emotional destruction, and annihilation, whatever that means to them, socially, and in the family.

It's not fair, or healthy.  It's what you're dealing with, and accepting the unfairness, and not fretting over it, will give you back your ability to think, and creatively problem solve to better effect, IME. 

Make that good plan. 

Carry it out to the best of your ability.  Radical acceptance helps, IME.   

There is power in doing everything you can, then putting down the worry.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I'm sure your son is torn, and hurting, and struggling with this too. 

Lighter






Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11316
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2019, 01:24:29 AM »
never say anything negative to your son about them

All the font-drama is just to say I think Lighter has told you the single most important thing you can do (or NOT do) in order to keep any hope of a relationship (now OR in the future) with your grandchild. (Sorry for my intensity here, but you remind me of another woman here, L., who suffered for years and years from the same alienation and loss of security within the family, because she could not yield to the DIL or hide or restrain her own -- very understandable --resentment that she was now not the primary woman in her son's life.)

It's terribly difficult to do, restraint. As a hurting human you are wired to express your pain and frustration to those closest to you, who include your son and his family. We all are, and often we fail to recognize that once the adult child becomes a spouse and parent, in some families expressing is no longer a viable or safe or healthy thing for us to do...we fail to recognize it until AFTER a lot of damage is done.

But, imo, you must recognize this. ("Must" is an extremely bossy word to use here, I apologize. I just tried over and over to get L. to see how she was sabotaging her yearning for her grandchild and for primacy with her son, and how she demonized the in-laws, who may have totally deserved it but who knows...) If you want that grandchild connection, imo you must find somewhere else to vent. With someone like a T, a trusted friend, a therapy or support group, this board, a clergy person. You cannot turn to this family (which now includes your son with his new and very powerful bonds of marriage and fatherhood) and expect them, given their issues, to yield an iota of their control, unless they're doing it voluntarily. You will compound your own misery and your son's. Nobody wins in this arena. Nobody. Their power and punishment are absolutely not "winning" in a moral sense but you still could bring more down on yourself.

I'm very sorry you're experiencing all this. It is the most painful suffering there is but you DO have a power. But your power can only be exercised over yourself. Not them. Not him. Not the child. Once you ask, you have to release the outcome. (Damn hard to do, but I honestly believe yielding is the wiser path, or placation...it is not fair. Another thing to swallow.)

Dig in deep to your own dignity. Hold on to it with an iron grip. Never, ever snipe about them. Cry all you must...a lot. But do it in the company of kind and compassionate NON-family allies. Also (not instead of with allies) -- with nature, on your own. There is support and healing in both places. Others and nature. You need them both.

I'm sorry. It's brutal to yield mother power, but when your children are grown, in some families, it's gone. Forcing yourself to: 1) face it, 2) swallow it, and 3) digest it is your first step to peace and happiness in your own life. If not today, eventually. And that step is one you can't skip if you want the future possibility of serenity and peace.

Never forget that everything you do (and DON'T do) now is laying the foundation, the reality of the rebar, for your grandchild's interest in being connected to you when he's 18, 19, and on into his future when he can make his own choices and is likely to have real interest in his grandma, particularly in late high school and early college. Good memories made between you then could mean you are part of HIS family one day. You're in this for the long game.

Gently,
Hops

« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 01:36:22 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lostinspace

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2019, 08:59:41 PM »
life is so unfair, so discouraging, that i wonder, why, why did god brought me into this world just to take away everything or if i was not welcome into this world.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6304
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2019, 10:41:45 PM »
lostinspace:

You feel unwelcome in your son's family, and maybe that's true, in this moment.  Maybe it's not entirely true?  I can't know from here.

Draw back... pretend you're floating high in the sky, and look down on yourself.  IF you were another woman suffering with these circumstances, what would you tell her?  What advice would you give?

I fear you're clinging to expectations, for you MIL, DIL, and son,  that aren't realistic.  Your MIL will never accept you, and it doesn't matter why she's cruel, and obstructionist.  It only matters that it's so.  She's broken, and she can't do better, or she would, likely.

Let that expectation go.  Just let it fall away, and turn to more productive activities with your energy. 

If you pull back, and look down on everyone involved.... what do you see?

Right now you feel despair, see no paths to connection..... and that may be true in this moment. 

Consider that you're face might be pressed against the glass... that you're too close to see clearly.  It's just looking.... suspending judgement around the situation, and trying on curiosity....slipping into observation mode, as you can.

Calm yourself.  Breath.  Have a cup of tea.  Feel your feet on the floor, where you are. Feel the warm cup in your hands. There's comfort in small things, even if we have trouble finding it.  It's there. 

Practice self care....  just sit with the difficult feelings and let them wash over you.  Cry.  Feel the sadness and loss, and let them fully inhabit your heart. 

Are you safe in this moment?  Are the people you love safe?  This is something real you can hold onto in this moment, and finding a way back into your son's life may be managed.... just not by any means you've tried. 

What do you think makes your MIL tick?  Is she jealous, or fearful, or just plain mean and stingy..... without reason?

And I believe you if your intuition tells you it's simply malice based on nothing you can identify.  Some people are marked by their own childhoods in ways we can't see, but are made to feel, just the same.

If you can, try to hold this woman with compassion in your heart, if you can, and shift into observation mode..... what do you see now? 

Breath.

Get curious, if you can.


What do you think that toxic woman went through to make her behave this way?  I'm guessing it's something very terrible, and impossible to know.  What's certain is she inflicts her pain onto others.... she transfers her aggression.... and others suffer bc of it.  You're suffering bc of it, and your desire for things to change, and be different.

That much you can know, without doubting.

I wonder what your DIL's experience is.  Your son's?

If you can have compassion for her... for the terrible way she lives.... and how it must feel to have to live that way.... maybe you can step out of feeling powerless, and at her mercy, and find something else to feel?

You'll have more luck shifting the situation IF you feel you have some ability to act, and change your situation, IME.

Nothing stays the same, lolstinspace.   This situation can't remain exactly the same.... something will shift.  If you can remain neutral.... be a safe place for your son, DIL and grandchild to go to.... without judgement..... they may come to you sooner than you expect.  Don't return the negative energy.  Not that you have.  I'm not saying you have,but it would be difficult not to, IME.

And I don't know what happened recently, for you,  but I believe you when you say you feel all is lost.  I believe you've been treated badly, and driven away...... for now.

Know, you raised your son with love, and he remembers that.  He doesn't likely feel good about what's going on, and maybe he's working to bring peace, and reconnection.

Maybe?

And what if all IS lost?  What if you'll never reconnect again?  Can you accept that, let it sink in without letting it slide away, and see if it shifts into something else?  Sometimes what we fear holds us hostage, until we turn to face it, and stare it down calmly...  without judgement, but with curiosity.

Sometimes, when we face our worst fears, and explore them.... just hold them in our minds gently, and without fear or judgement....it DOES shift into something else, IME.

I'm not saying to to deny the anger, or fear, or grief... I'm not.  It's perfectly reasonable, and yours to process, however you choose.

I'm saying to consider letting them take you, wash over you, and have you.... without evading it..... without judgement...... to remaining open to those feelings shifting, and forming into something else.... something better, with more power, and calm, and creative energy to shift what you can in the circumstances.
If that doesn't make sense, it's OK.  It doesn't have to.  It likely wouldn't have made any sense to me 10 years ago. 

Know that I'm sorry this is happening to you.  This is real, and I hope it gives you some small comfort to read.

I wish you more of what you want, and the courage/ and intestinal fortitude to meet, and overcome the challenges that keep you from it. 

What you've been doing isn't working.  Accept that truth, and let it be what it is without despairing... as you can manage.

Accept you won't get what you want, and maybe you can shift, find other ways to interact, and get what you need?

Maybe not, but I so wish the best possible outcome for you, lostinspace. 

Lighter

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11316
Re: daughter in law
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2019, 12:10:23 PM »
(((((((((((((Lost)))))))))))))))))

I hear you. I agree with you.
Life is often terribly, agonizingly unfair.
And being discouraged is just human.

I can't answer the specific  God question because I am agnostic.

But this hymn still comforts me when I am in the kind of pain you're feeling:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r8crQujfBE

The lyric is so tender and powerful it moves me and the tears are cleansing.

Much comfort to you, ((((((((Lost)))))))).

Peace in releasing,

Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."