Author Topic: Embracing The Positive  (Read 709 times)

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2888
Embracing The Positive
« on: February 27, 2019, 04:35:49 AM »
Hi guys,

Well, I'm starting to feel more human again.  Resting has helped, as has throwing in the towel and just accepting that I'm not happy and my life isn't going well.  The days are starting to get longer here and the extra daylight does make a difference.

So - whilst being determined to 'keep it real' and not letting myself fall in to always pretending everything is okay again, I do want things to be different and I do want my life to be fuller and more varied.  Tup the unpaid carer needs to be put to bed now, as does Tup the survivor of mad family, Tup whose friends vanished when her son got ill and Tup who resents the situations that other people have put her in.  Life won't be perfect, I know that, but I want it to be better than it is.

With that in mind, I have started writing lists (me and my lists!) and brainstorming ideas of things I'm interested in that involve changes in my day to day life and might mean I can meet people with similar interests (which may in turn lead to some interesting conversations if nothing else).  I've been paying attention to my thoughts over the last few days and I do have a constant thread running through my mind of how I'd like to be doing things differently, mostly with a view to doing more that is good for the environment and cutting down on my own waste and excessive consumption.  I'm hoping that following those ideas and trains of thought will make me feel more invigorated and energised and bring me in to contact with some nice people, who may in turn invite us along to other things and so on.  I wanted to share some of my ideas with you :)

My little house :)  I don't like it, but we are going to be here for at least another couple of years, by the look of things.  So I've started working through each room looking for ways to brighten it up, make it more comfortable and cosy and make it work better in terms of space and how it's used.  I've been getting craft books out of the library for ideas and I'd really like to use things we've already got in different ways, if possible.  I'm going to join the local Freecycle group (do you have that?  Where people advertise stuff they don't want anymore and you can just go and pick it up?) and I need to really try to make what I'm doing work for me.  At the minute I feel very scattered and disorganised and I find I'm forgetting to do things and then making extra trips.  So I want to try to be more organised and to try to reuse and repurpose things we already have.  If I do need to buy in, then I want to go to charity shops and salvage yards instead of 'normal' shops where-ever possible.  So that's one thing to be looking at.

I also want to eco-friendly up things that we use every day; consumable stuff.  I'm very aware of my single use plastics now and bloody hell, they're everywhere, you just don't realise until you start taking note.  So I want to look at how best to manage the things we use everyday and I want to look around and join a beach clean up group or some other eco friendly type thing - good way to meet people and it's a bit of exercise.

I'd love to learn how to alter and make my own clothes.  I've always wanted to do that and never have so I want to see if I can find any kind of course locally and try to do something like that.  And I want to start involving son more in what needs to be done at home.  He does do chores and helps out with stuff but he also spends a lot of time on his tablet and laptop.  I've been too tired for such a long time to force any changes (and he's very resistant) but I want to get going a bit with that for now and try to get him more involved and getting more done.

That's it for now!  I will let you know how it goes - thank you for hanging on in there for me during my dark time (which I'm hoping now is behind me).  I cherish and value the advice and friendship of everyone on these boards and I really can't thank you all enough xx

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6339
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 09:02:12 AM »
What a breath of fresh air through my entire being, Tupp.... to commit to reusing, repurposing, and consuming less
of everything.  Here's to shabby chic, and painted surfaces, and attention to detail. 

And the plastic stuff.... everywhere, yes!  At the food coop folks can bring their own glass containers and fill them with honey, vinegars, peanut butter, almond butter, tamari, rice, beans.... everything.  And I want to say that I might benefit deeply by purchasing only what I need for a meal, rather than bottles and bags of stuff that would sit on a shelf waiting.

And refusing to pretend things are OK when they just aren't.  I think that's wise, and good, and right.  I think it's the only way through and out, ((Tupp.))

I'm excited to to read about your search for new connections, and service projects that feed your heart.  The changes you're contemplating are exciting.  How will the world greet Tupp as she turns to meet it with passion, while releasing expectation?

I'm looking forward to finding out. 

Remember, sometimes our discomfort is more than discomfort.  Sometimes it's the messenger reminding us we can, and should make a move.

Lighter

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11354
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2019, 12:22:18 AM »
Hi Tupp,
You are on a list for a better place?

I'm sorry it looks like it'll take longer than the six months you'd hoped for.

If anyone deserves a sweet, well-built, sunny cozy cottage, it's YOU.

(Mold is unacceptable and I hope something can be done about it short of you battling it day after day.)

Wish I could come help you scrub, simplify, purge and enjoy.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11354
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2019, 03:19:02 PM »
[I had put this post on your Dark Side thread, then realized it was going all perky on you, when that thread was specifically NOT for shining up the dark, but accepting it. Still wanted to say something about your response to The Envelope, but think I'm really embracing something positive in you...so moved it here. Hope this makes sense!]

Tupp, hard as it sounds, I think you've made a huge leap forward. Differentiating a conditioned panic response in your body from the rationality that is now much broader in your mind, in dealing with the system...is enormous.

Trust your mind to keep reverting to rationality. I truly believe those pathways in your body WILL begin to response to your mind's deeper realizations. Hypnosis is the same kind of thing. Once there's clarity and reason to live in the mind, the balky body slowly comes out of its stupor and relearns inherent, inborn delight in living. Hope becomes a natural thing that was never driven completely out of you. It doesn't take too much encouragement, just some consistency with it (and you have regenerated it again and again) ... for your inner positive life force to begin to rise.

One day you'll see any envelope the way you had that amazing moment about the email, when your T said to you, The real situation is that you have just received an email. And in that moment, you felt the truth of it, and felt relief. The very same thing can happen with something that comes in an envelope, even from The System. It really can.

You should be SO proud of yourself. I hope you are. Remember to do the math: Two steps forward plus one step back equals...one step FORWARD. (I know I've said this, but one day it hit me hard that all I'd been listening to, for ages, was the word "back." I never did the sum and allowed the reality of "forward.")

You really are living forward.

love
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6339
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2019, 04:09:54 PM »
Hops:

I read your post,am grateful to read it.

What it brings up for me is....
sometimes it takes a while to fully appreciate/internalize/feel in our minds and bones that we don't have to live the way we've been living.  I don't know that we're aware that we have choice, when we absolutely do many times.

We can laugh at the belief we felt imprisoned, draw it in, make it feel welcome but past it's usefulness.....  and we see there can be something else.  If we remain mindful.  If we notice when we shift back, and counter it.  That's my experience.

 I'm curious how it feels for you, Tupp.

Lighter

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3946
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2019, 06:07:23 PM »
re: the physical responses/reflexes...

What do you DO, on a regular basis or CAN you do, to provide comfort and nurturing for your body Tupp? Different things work for different people... and situations.

Sometimes, massage is really helpful for me. Then I'll go a long time between sessions. Physical work improves my self-confidence and feeling "secure" within my body. Changing up my environment ALSO helps - but not so directly. I'm pretty sure I don't know ALL the ways this works, or that anything that works for me, would work for you.

But it might be worth researching actual actions and thinking about your associations in conjunction with what sets off the physical responses. For awhile, I had to read emails/official letters 2-3 times, and even let a day go by and then re-read it... and after awhile, it helped keep me from spiraling into an emotional reaction the first time I read something. I was making everything a disaster; and not realizing in my reading that the bureaucracy's "style" of communication is supposed to be intimidating and result in absolute compliance - or making problems go away; so what was a typical form letter would often LOOK like another really big thing - and using this technique I shifted out of that reaction to just thinking - oh, look, another pro forma response - bleh, a nothingburger.

OK, moving ON... LOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2888
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2019, 04:35:44 AM »
Hops, thank you - I agree with everything that you said, I am just finding being physically out of action very difficult to cope with and just struggling with feeling unwell, particularly as it's a sort of general feeling of unwellness, all rather vague and non-specific rather than being one particular thing.  We are on the list for a better house but I think what's struck me over the weekend is that getting a nicer house isn't going to cut it for me.  I think I tend to look at what's making me miserable and then I focus on that and try to change it, thinking it will change all the problems in my life.  But of course, it doesn't.  Being in a nicer house will be one less thing to stress about but there will still be the health problems, the lack of work, income, help for son and so on.  I don't think this house would bother me much if those other areas were a lot better.  I guess the challenge is to find a way to make it all work for me.  I feel very overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility.  It's not even so much about son being physically safe with others, it's more that I feel, when it's your own kid, everything is a labour of love.  You constantly strive to give your kids the best opportunities in life and help them experience life in as healthy and as meaningful a way as possible.  The care system focuses more on them not being a bother - if sticking him in front of a computer all day keeps him quiet, that's what will happen.  There's little interest (or time, or money) in improving their overall health, trying to introduce new experiences or activities, trying to expand their horizons.  Many people take the attitude that they have a low IQ and so aren't worth the bother.  That's the bit that I really struggle with.  So I think I get frustrated because I have ideas and things I want to try or ways of living that I feel would be better for both of us - but I don't feel well enough for long enough to do more than the basics and just get through the day.  That frustrates me.  But - I do feel better today than I did yesterday.  I am going to call about a Forest Group I saw advertised (it's on my to do list so it will happen today!).  They run a variety of classes, mostly for kids, but they also run a therapeutic group once a week for carers and people with mental health problems.  You spend the day in the forest doing conservation work or building fires or shelters (I think they do a different theme each week), you cook lunch together on an open fire, it sounds nice so that's my aim for today.  I'm hoping if I start getting out more I'll feel better but there's always so much to do at home that I get stressed then about not getting enough done.  So it's swings and roundabouts but anyway, I'm going to try.  Waffle waffle waffle.  I might change my name to Mrs Waffle Chops :) xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2888
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2019, 04:44:07 AM »
re: the physical responses/reflexes...

What do you DO, on a regular basis or CAN you do, to provide comfort and nurturing for your body Tupp? Different things work for different people... and situations.

Sometimes, massage is really helpful for me. Then I'll go a long time between sessions. Physical work improves my self-confidence and feeling "secure" within my body. Changing up my environment ALSO helps - but not so directly. I'm pretty sure I don't know ALL the ways this works, or that anything that works for me, would work for you.

But it might be worth researching actual actions and thinking about your associations in conjunction with what sets off the physical responses. For awhile, I had to read emails/official letters 2-3 times, and even let a day go by and then re-read it... and after awhile, it helped keep me from spiraling into an emotional reaction the first time I read something. I was making everything a disaster; and not realizing in my reading that the bureaucracy's "style" of communication is supposed to be intimidating and result in absolute compliance - or making problems go away; so what was a typical form letter would often LOOK like another really big thing - and using this technique I shifted out of that reaction to just thinking - oh, look, another pro forma response - bleh, a nothingburger.

OK, moving ON... LOL.

Skep, I think the current difficulty is doing things that help often enough for them to help often enough.  I do find yoga helpful and I do try to do a bit each day at home, but I don't always get time.  I find resting and sleeping helpful, but don't always get time for that.  I do find being out with other people can help, because the day can just sort of happen, but equally I sometimes find that makes it worse because I do often find people draining and being somewhere busy or noisy can tire me out.  That's a tricky one that I probably need to think about some more.  I think what's frustrating me now is that I don't feel like I'm getting an emotional reaction to the admin these days.  If it had been a bad response it would have upset me but it really wasn't bad; they've basically said yes, they've messed up and apologised and they haven't blamed me for the situation (which is what they usually do) so I felt quite relieved and actually quite chirpy on reading it.  But there seems to be something deep inside that sees it as a threat and sets off a whole chain reaction of physical symptoms now - I guess the fight or flight thing gets triggered even if I don't feel triggered?  I need to look into it some more and see if I can work out how to change the internal reaction or something?  I'm not sure.  But I am getting my back done tomorrow; it's very sore and it will help, and I have booked to see the acupuncturist in a couple of weeks' time as well, which again I find useful for balancing my hormones and general stress relief.  I think maybe being aware it happens is part of the process? And maybe with the awareness comes a reduction?  We shall see, it's easing up a bit now so hopefully it's gone away :) xx

Twoapenny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2888
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2019, 04:49:43 AM »
Hops:

I read your post,am grateful to read it.

What it brings up for me is....
sometimes it takes a while to fully appreciate/internalize/feel in our minds and bones that we don't have to live the way we've been living.  I don't know that we're aware that we have choice, when we absolutely do many times.

We can laugh at the belief we felt imprisoned, draw it in, make it feel welcome but past it's usefulness.....  and we see there can be something else.  If we remain mindful.  If we notice when we shift back, and counter it.  That's my experience.

 I'm curious how it feels for you, Tupp.

Lighter

Lighter, what I'm noticing is that it's almost like a sort of conscious disassociation.  I'm aware that I don't feel well.  I'm aware that things hurt and I feel sick and my whole body seems to be shutting down, and I'm aware it's been triggered by x, y or z - but I don't seem to be able to take enough control of my mind to work my way back out of it.  It's like my mind leaves enough working to make my limbs move and initiate speech but that's all, it can't cope with concepts or thinking or doing anything proactive.  It's very odd and I do think it's some sort of defense mechanism but I don't seem to be able to find a way at the moment to tell it it doesn't need to defend me against a letter that isn't going to cause a problem now.  So that's the next quest I think.  I'll just have to try and work on it during the times things are okay and hope that makes it reduce during the other times xx

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3946
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2019, 09:08:09 AM »
Hmmm. 'scuse me while my imagination plays with what you wrote today...

Let's pretend your body has a full range of emotions and cognition. What you're describing, about how you feel - in your body - sounds like it's reactions to anything dealing with the "system" is just like a union's "sit down strike". Arms crossed, frowning... your body is telling you: that is the VERY LAST STRAW and I ain't cooperating.

You know what else that sounds like, to me? It sounds like the resistance of inner child energy. I don't know about you, but I believe my psychosomatic systems are directly connected/controlled by that inner child and her "defining experiences" and the consequent world-view she created. As it happens, my hand, elbows and ankles are all splotchy, flaky, itchy and peeling right now.

There have been glimpses for me, in relation to what I'm sorting out on the farm thread right now, of how at some point in this work... there should be a time (maybe; I think? a natural, organic progression in it's own time) where the traumatized inner child truly becomes a relic of the past. SHE is the one who defined herself by those experiences, btw. 40-50 years of living, and challenges and experiences, means that the present "me" - is a lot more than that - even if that inner child and her idee fixe is hanging around like a ghost for me. (And having honest-to-God impacts in my real life)

So, I have been thinking... maybe it's time; past time really... to let her go; fade away just like some of my worst hair cuts and styles... and 60s psychedelic "mod" or peasant clothing. I'm not PLANNING, don't have a clue how to do that, but I am fully aware that this child's fists are planted on her braced hips, resisting for all she's worth and giving me the raspberries thinking: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

But I'm also aware that she IS a child, still. And not suitable for my current life as a mature adult. I might feel differently about this idea, if she was playful and fun -- she most DEFINITELY is NOT. One of the recent clues that brought up this idea for me again, is when Hol went on a very "motherish" tirade about how much I was whining. She was right; I WAS whining a lot - about things I either could do something about - now; or weren't all that important in the bigger scheme of things.

But that would still leave the puzzle of how to DO that, wouldn't it?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11354
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2019, 06:54:38 AM »
Quote
I'll just have to try and work on it during the times things are okay and hope that makes it reduce during the other times


Tupp, this makes a TON of sense to me. Even feeling like this, you are wise, wise, WISE.

And I think the Forest Group is a powerful, fantastic idea. Especially if you go more than a couple times. My reason is that the presence of nature, a lot of it, away from city/cars/sounds, is so healing that even in a group of people, being in the woods will neutralize the stressful aspects of socializing. You will be sharing a nonverbal, positive experience during the entire time, when there's conversation and interaction, and when there isn't. Also, in that kind of setting, people are much more comfortable when someone chooses to be quieter or less chitty chatty. You can ebb and flow according to what energy level is right for you right in the moment.

Sending lots of hope you'll soon feel up to going. I am really excited you have this opportunity.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6339
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2019, 06:59:54 AM »
That's one thing we've been told by Ts....
get out in nature.

 Just....
get out there. 

In it. 

::nodding::

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11354
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2019, 12:34:52 PM »
Mrs Waffle Chops,

I worry that either mold (unreachable by surface cleaning) or some other enviro thing might be contributing to your fatigue. Although I have zero way of actually knowing that and you are so smart that if your symptoms were environmental, you'd know by now.

I am sorry that any doctor has become All Doctors. It's another System problem, but it'd be a shame for you to miss out on helpful care should you need it. That was a very strong description you gave.

Awww (((((((Tupp))))))))). I am so glad you're here. If we could help for 5 minutes a day to remind you you're not alone in the world with all you're carrying, it'd be a good thing.

HEAVE! Huff puff. Here we are hauling whatever it is with strong shoulders and big hearts and really really caring about you.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3946
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2019, 10:09:02 AM »
Another possibility for the fatigue... (which is coming from "left field", admittedly)...
could be a combination of allergies, hormonal changes, and the accumulation of "life stressors".

Simple seasonal allergies can do this to people, with none of the other "contributing" factors. My friend and I go through this in the spring. For me, it's pine pollen - for her, it's a combination of allergens: dust, animal dander, dust MITES even, and outdoor allergens.

She takes heavy duty Rx's and supplements and has a very complex routine she adheres to, to cope with her allergies. Because of my sensitivity to Rx's... I take a mucinex at night only; and when the pine trees are doing their thing, I'll a children's chewable Claritin. That way, there are no neuro effects which heighten the sense of lethargy or fatigue.

But, even WITH allergies, some things are worth it. Hol brought home a bunch of daffodils last weekend. They've been on the kitchen counter all week. The ones planted here are up, but it'll be a couple more weeks before they bloom. It brightened things up around here, for sure!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6339
Re: Embracing The Positive
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2019, 01:08:24 PM »
Hi Tupp.

Just wondering how you're doing today.  If you have nice weather.  If you're out in it.

You are missed.

Light