Author Topic: Relationship  (Read 14126 times)

Hopalong

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Relationship
« on: March 06, 2019, 12:06:35 PM »
Hi guys,
Thought I'd move my talk about M to here, as it's pretty clear it's going to go on for a while!

Seeing him for dinner tonight after visiting his home for the first time, attending his dinner party for colleagues and a visiting poet on Saturday. A formal event coming up soon at the university which I'm not looking forward to but he asked and is the "MC" so want to be supportive of that.

He continues to be sweet, clearly open to happiness, high energy and delightful. I'm still trying to get my head around how much life change could be ahead if this continues.

I notice I'm retreating to the womb (bed, pooch, escapism) again but not panicking about it. So I overall am okay though T is wanting to dig into the things that may be contributing to my paralysis behavior. I need to be willing to do that.

I abandoned the exercise program and am upset with myself about that. On the other hand, their monitoring made clear I'm healthy enough to just do it on my own. Which is my own battle to fight.

All in all okay and hopeful!

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2019, 03:03:26 PM »
Ok, Hops....
I want details. 

What food was served?

Who did you connect with?

What did you wear?

How was the wine?!?

Just everything.

I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself!

Lighter

Bettyanne

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2019, 08:01:26 PM »
Hi Hops......
I'm coming in sideways to this post.......
I hope your holding in there beeing good to yourself......exercise etc ways

Love......Bettyanne

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2019, 10:32:47 PM »
Thanks, Lighter!
Be glad to post-dates report, it's fun!

Tonight I went to his house for the first time, and he hauled out fancy wine (I don't know from wine collections but it was a yummy French chablis) and he'd prepared home-made crostini with smoked salmon and capers and wonderful cheese that begins with M, plus ditto yummy olives, and then we went to a local Thai restaurant for a nice quiet dinner--deelish--and he told me a lot more about his family and also the death of his wife, which I was glad he shared about. Much more open and I think probably being on his home turf relaxed him.

The house is lovely. Way too big for one person and overlooking a lake, very quiet cul de sac, deer in the yard (of course). Elegant neighborhood.

He's ALL about food culture and has cooked his whole life. I asked again if I could be even a little help Saturday and he said I could turn up early and just sit and drink wine and talk to him. Okay!

Thanks, ((((Bettyanne)))). I really do need to get my lard butt exercising again, especially as I have acquired this pudgy (adorable) manfriend who lives for fine food and wine. HE may be happy pudgy, but I ain't!

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 06:45:00 AM »
So, ahhh, emailed him a thanks for dinner/evening and also said more than all that I enjoyed being with him, and more each time.

Just got his reply which was to say we get better every time we're together and he "can't believe this is happening."

My emoticons on VESMB don't work any more but I thought there once was a blushing one.

Dang, y'all!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2019, 07:20:27 AM »


It certainly seems like M's feeling more comfortable, Hops.

I'm curious if it's easy to keep your food preferences in place.

Is it coming up, or just not an issue?

Also, what kind of music does M enjoy listening to?

Lighter



sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2019, 09:08:36 AM »
Quote
He continues to be sweet, clearly open to happiness, high energy and delightful. I'm still trying to get my head around how much life change could be ahead if this continues.

I notice I'm retreating to the womb (bed, pooch, escapism) again but not panicking about it. So I overall am okay though T is wanting to dig into the things that may be contributing to my paralysis behavior. I need to be willing to do that.

uh.... Hops? Any chance you're just so close to those things that paralyze you, you're not seeing it? That the feelings are so refreshing intense and positive, that your normal thought processes are a bit discombobulated?

Re-read above... especially what I've bolded. Your words.

MOST people can be paralyzed when they're overwhelmed - either a seriously huge life change, or too many things that all seem equally important, all at one time, and no one to delegate decisions to. It sure happens to me, all the time!

(pick a day; I'll not do a blessed thing because I can't deal with so many things to prioritize! Then, I'll just see some LITTLE, I mean blessed tiny thing, wouldn't even make anyone else's list... that I "wanted" to do, to please or suit myself - sometimes just straightening a picture... and voila... the paralysis spell is broken.)

My advice for you (custom-designed):
For the time being - you only just met the guy - rank the priority of "future life changes" the very LAST thing on the importance list. You don't have to; it isn't a good idea; and I don't recommend... making a decision about something SO important, like that NOW. NOW, isn't the right time to get into the process of making that decision. The real important decisions CAN BE, SHOULD BE postponed until you are clear in your mind/feelings/understanding all the details involved.

NOW, you observe... you actually feel... and plan regular (like weekly) 10 min/20 min cocoon sessions to assess and take stock cognitively, and analyze what's going on with you. (So you don't short-change that side of yourself for attention and to properly observe any red flags she might be waving.) And let yourself get swept off your feet in the meantime...

because you can DO IT. Because you AREN'T going to let yourself fall... that's what those short, time-limited "check in with my feelings/better judgement" sessions are for, right? You still want what you want long term, but until you've experienced being IN a relationship - which this is not yet; you're just seeing each other, enjoying yourself and getting to know each other - you won't know enough about him, you and how you are together to decide if this is THE relationship you want to sign on to.

Maybe I'm way too careful (others would say paranoid) to the point that I'm not even able to get replies from anyone on any of those dating sites (oh sure, the young, young men... who don't know any better; I'm not the cougar type) SO... please add salt to taste regarding my advice and realize who it's coming from.

There is no obligation or expectation that the advice must be taken. LOL. Your money back! Exactly what you paid for MY "two cents worth" of opinion.

----------------- ETA-----

What I meant to say, before I got so carried away with being tickled silly pink for you...

is that only TIME and EXPERIENCE will tell, if you'll even be in a position to entertain the POSSIBILITY of wanting|needing|deciding about....... "life changes", with this guy.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 09:14:54 AM by sKePTiKal »
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2019, 11:54:45 PM »
Hops?

How's it going?


Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2019, 03:31:19 PM »
Hey Lighter, it goes very well. Happiness is coexisting along all SORTS of stuff that imminent intimacy brings to the surface. So at the moment happiness is part flow part hard work! I'm actually relieved he'll be in SF for a week after Tuesday.

Amber, I needed very much to hear that perspective. Thank you.
You are RIGHT; I need to slow it down to the present task...getting to know, new experiences/tests, find out more, check and recheck intuition and evidence. Not to be paranoid but I know I must.

Meanwhile, it IS feeling lovely. Kicking up a notch, feelings wise. Definitely reciprocal. He's heading for SF Tuesday for a week and his plan to move continues. A year plus a couple months out. Yes, I don't need to decide right now.

But, I am not far from dropping my guard and letting my heart go all in and take this risk. So that's that. I just need to face that loss is always possible, and meanwhile, I can still choose happiness and see what happens. If I'm disappointed, ultimately, I'll cope. It's all living/learning, etc.

It's waves of stuff. Waking up in my little house this morning and thinking...no more? Hard. But if I want what I want, there is no way around that my little-house life will change. That said, T this morning said just what you said. And advised me to re-focus on loving and enjoying and de-cluttering my little house, because regardless of what happens in future, that creates happiness and value for me in the now. It really does.

Meanwhile, he's inviting me for a week in Paris in July. After that he's off to lecture in Israel, visit Istanbul and return to Spain. So he'll be gone the rest of that month. I'll get my own ticket and he'll treat me to hotel and meals. Sounds like an offer it'll be tough to refuse! I am getting a new passport (plus new Euro "visa-not-visa") so I'll have the option if we both realize it's still a right move closer to then.

Good T session. I struggle NOT to talk about the paralysis behavior, clutter, etc. But I made myself hang in with it. Turns out the hiding in bed and not dealing with home in an adult way has to do with me abandoning myself, plus being defiant, plus being ADD. But she invited me to stop the shame spiral and just invite my inner adult to engage because that's self care, period. She's right.

After our appt pooch and I took a nice long walk downtown, visiting a friend for tea in the middle of the walk. She's loaning me a glam outfit for the formal thing I'm going to (M will be the "MC" in his tux). So that's a load off my mind. Still have to invest in some form of non-heel shoe that will get by.

And meanwhile, M is sending me lovestruck cute little emails. Dang. It's sweet!

My commitment for this afternoon is to get at least a START on the clothes purge in bedroom, and to sketch out a specific time-use plan for tomorrow morning, so I don't yield to the usual back-to-bed behavior.

xxoo
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2019, 10:03:21 PM »
Hops, may I suggest a ballet flat? in satin, velvet or suede? Maybe sequins?  :D

OOOO, Paris!

Be happy Hops.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2019, 01:46:22 PM »
Good shoes idea, Amber! Thanks, that's perfect. A friend is loaning me some long swishy glam pants and I have a top that will fake formal fine. YAY!

Quote
I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. Henry David Thoreau

So. Got passport app ready, soon as this cold (achoo kind) eases up I'll be off to deliver it. Dug out my previous one (1972) and cracked up because I was so clearly stoooooooned in the pic. I remember that day and it's true. Oh once was young.

I'm going to Paris with M early July, then to Oslo on my own for a few days, then back to Paris and home. Can't quite take it in but happy my traveling days aren't over forever. He's gifting me the Paris to and from, and I'm gifting myself the Norway stretch. Won't be easy but life is short. My friend Erik wrote back instantly how pleased they are. Unfortunately they have no guest room so I need to spend on a nearby B&B, and Oslo is very expensive. But I'm so looking forward to it! Will try to book new work between now and then so I don't deplete savings too much.

I haven't allowed myself to do anything like this in a very very very long time.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2019, 07:49:55 PM »
Clapping long & loudly here, Hops....
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2019, 08:43:24 AM »
Well, that was a very happy read, Hops.

And kind if magical!

I second the ballet flats. 

Lighter


Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2019, 09:03:56 AM »
Hops, I'm so happy to read this :)  M sounds as if he has a very full and interesting life, which I think is great.  I honestly believe relationships are better if two people who have varied and interesting lives come together, rather than each other being the sole focus, if that makes sense?  This sounds so great, you are both busy with your own things but you have much in common and various places you can meet in the middle.  And a trip to Paris interspersed with a flying visit to Norway?  Wow.  I am so envious and so very glad for you as well.  What a magical situation to be in.  Your T sounds very helpful and I so wish I lived near you; purging your clothes sounds like an afternoon I would enjoy :)  I'm glad you feel able to go with this and are trying to focus on what's going on now.  It's hard not to think about 'what if'; good or bad, so I'm glad you're having a good time and are able to step out of the paralysis enough to enjoy this :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2019, 10:53:22 PM »
(((((((Tupp))))))))), thank you.
One of the first thoughts I had when I realized I'd be going across the pond for the first time since 1972 was, I wish I could extend it enough to get to the U.K. and meet Tupp!

It's all still up in the air but I need to get my passport application in tomorrow!

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."