I am all over the map about M these days.
First, we're getting along very well during quarantine. A lot less tension. He seems to have listened during therapy to my descriptions of how hugely stressful I've found his manic, nonstop talking. He's calmer when I visit, less performative, easier to be around. And though he doesn't listen WELL, he's trying more. That's new but very nice!
Quarantine has slowed us down. I talked about how I think we had needed that. From the start of our relationship, M pounded me relentlessly to be his life partner, commit, etc. He's stopped it and the pandemic has jolted him into the present more, me too, and that's a good thing. He's also enjoying very productive work on his articles and a new major book.
In times of anxiety, I still chew on the bad moment we've never unpacked yet. Will be hard to bring it up in T but I will eventually. It was that moment at the jungle house when I had upset/frustrated him (and felt very vulnerable) and he kind of walked around "musing aloud" in a cold way, saying negative things about my character and intentions, but disguising them in the professorial superiority tone. I've never heard it since but at that moment I freaked out, believing I was seeing a different side that could come out during marriage. I will discuss that with my own T today, as she's good at helping me see things clearly. I think I just need to get up the courage to say something like, although with your intellect you're capable of slicing and dicing someone in that sort of cold fashion, if you ever do that with me again when I'm in a vulnerable state and you're annoyed, I will be leaving.
I don't THINK he's a Jekyll-Hyde, really. But my second husband absolutely was, so hence my niggling concern about that. Which may not be entirely warranted.
I do have fears of men and relationships in general. Trust issues. This has come up in couples-T and I think legitimately. The Sikh asked me if I'd ever felt entirely safe in a relationship...and my answer was, more than once, with my father I did.
So after we "worked on" M a whole lot, given his overt dominant manic personality stuff, it's my turn to look at what I'm contributing to our dynamic too. And I feel willing to, because I've been feeling heard by both of them.
In general, I think the update is that we are doing a lot better. I'm glad we slowed down a bit. The commitment is there, but not the urgency.
Though I have to admit I emailed with a lovely young classical musician who'd be quite interested in renting my house. Occurs to me that one way to pass this winter in continuing social distancing, but to prevent isolation, might be to spend it at M's house, and rent mine out for a year beginning this fall. Just to see how living together might go. I haven't said anything to M about it though.
Boy would that give me a chance to face my fears....
hugs
Hops
