Thanks, Amber.
I definitely look forward to lovemaking, no doubt about it.
All systems still "go."
My hesitation (ironically similar to with previous bf, "B") is his race against my own pace. I have a deeply ingrained sense of complete and full body autonomy, anxiety about being possessed, and when I'm pressured to speed it up, I react perhaps unfortunately like a human mule who will not go where you want for either carrots or sticks.
After so many years celibate, if someone displays impatience or annoyance, there is literally no bigger turnoff for me. Frankly, I'd be happier doing what I did when young, with no-stringers strangers. If someone GENUINELY wants a joyous couple of decades with me? Then they can spend a leisurely buncha months showing me their patience, their love, etc. Without pressuring me, copping feels, talking nonstop about how urgent their desire is, etc.
M. is trying. His anxiety isn't "normal" male performance anxiety. He is in fact very virile in energy and desire. But he had a prostatectomy, which means that he has to inject himself to perform. As time (age) goes by, medically the results of the injects are a bit less certain (so his two year wait is intense for him). I sympathize with this, and have given serious thought to just lying back and thinking of England (apologies to Tupp) in order to make him happy. I am capable. Yet another part of me resists the sacrificial cliche.
I don't even think sex is our biggest worry. It's the other emotional stuff. For now, I'd like to focus on relaxation. I'm meeting him at his pool shortly and want to talk about throttling back the anxiety as best we both can and valuing our other ways of connecting. We love talking, going places, interacting with Pooch. We really are quite compatible in a lot of the ways that could sustain a good connection.
Even privilege and paternalism. He is profoundly intellectual and into the challenge of ideas. He has responded with respect when I challenge his assumptions or lack of notice (or false equivalence, which he tried on me once). He loves debate and (sigh) though I enjoy the thinking and some degree of persuasion, I don't savor it for its own sake. I told him it felt like Greek wrestling and I hate combat. But intellectually, I can hold my own.
So we'll see. I'm going to invite him to take it one day at a time. He has emotional immaturity that it's his own job to work on, not mine. But I will take care of myself, retreat all I care to, and stop taking the bait when he demands that I recognize this or that. I don't respond to demands. Full stop.
My question within is, once he really grasps the depth of my autonomy, will he actually be able to handle it? Or will he retreat into resentment, snarky comments, or some other form of resistance or (god forbid) revenge? This man has been very powerful in his own sphere for a very long time. One wife left him, and the next was perhaps comfortable in a more traditional position (I don't know). I am a different kettle of fish and I think difficult as well as exciting to him.
So this is a very good time to observe, interact honestly, and protect my independence as powerfully as I need to. I have no doubt that I must and for now, I hope that being kind and listening will move things into a better place. Even if it does, I will push back when he immediately makes a new pronouncement that "all is resolved" and pushes forward into more definitions, proclamations, and declarations of what is true for "us." M needs to learn to speak about himself and for himself, and let go of his habit of declaring what "we" are or what "we" feel. His verbal torrents are both his shield and sword. My hope is he can exit conquest or battle mode.
As we all do, he just assumes everything from his own worldview, which apparently has seldom been intimately challenged. In academia, he has been ruthlessly competitive. If he brings that to us, he will find himself trying to "win" alone.
love
Hops