Well, I promised.
M and I are okay. But the Hard hard work is surfacing, as it needs to. Our T continues to be amazingly helpful and that's very hopeful.
What we've been processing lately has been super illuminating. It brings the personality gaps into relief and I am seeing what our challenge is. It really boils down to M having narcissistic traits (as I do too) that he doesn't realize. And me being so sensitized to every whiff of it that I get super stressed...because of how I'm wired. And yet -- M is NOT a pure-N, doesn't have NPD, isn't a bad person. He's just wired and trained to be self absorbed. A lot of that isn't the born personality as much as upbringing, in which he was the golden child, raised mostly by loving Central American servants, and when he came skipping in, everything stopped and he was smothered in praise and affection.
Our T once said to him, the way Hops describes your coming in and talking loudly and immediately and sowing kind of emotional chaos while you're shrieking giggles and getting the dog stirred up no matter what is going on with her....it reminds me of a child coming home from Show and Tell at school. To my surprise, M said, that's exactly how I feel.
So now, I just suggest when he comes in with too much excitement and drama and destroys the peace, hey, let's be calmer...and he immediately turns it down. I do notice, persistently, that he listens hard and really tries to get it, to respond, to do better. That's why I still love him. Some times are harder than others, though.
It all came into relief during some house hunting (more looking to see what's out there, though we do seem to be stepping up the pace). Something unexpected happened that had an enormous impact on me. And the power dynamics of him having money and me not, came into very painful focus, which we are talking about with the T. (Thank god for him--he's so open to naming and seeing and recognizing what we're wrestling with. Whereas M, out of some guilt perhaps, has always minimized the important of those differences" class, money, privilege. So we couldn't talk about it very effectively, since he has such a hard time taking it in.)
Anyway, the realtor sent us a link and one look at the location and the pix, I was in love with it. Even before our tour. I emailed them both that I felt that way. It is a charming, lovely house with every conceivable space we'd need and perfect for aging in place, but still a warm, welcoming feel that felt like a hug when we walked in. Partly due to its charm and beauty, but also because it's on the street I learned to ride my bike on, behind my childhood home. Amazing. The street itself is perfect, 5 minutes from everything, no traffic, friendly neighbors, lovely old trees. Perfect.
So we're wandering through, soaking up the lovely, perfect spaces (including an addition with two walls of glass and a skylight, southern-facing for winter light, that blew me away)...and then I wandered upstairs to see where my study (the 3rd BR) would be. It was the perfect size. And then I looked out the window over the yard and saw it looked directly down the hill at my childhood home. It hit me like lightning. I had this sudden feeling: Writing here, I would be complete. This is HOME.
It's hard to explain but it was such a powerful feeling I nearly cried.
I go downstairs floating on the feeling, we've found it. As hard as it will be to leave my present house, in that one I knew, I would move tomorrow to live here. I was IN LOVE. Meanwhile, M was standing in the very pleasant open-plan kitchen obsessing over the lack of a granite top on the island and how "of course we have to update all the finishes and cabinets"--I liked the cabinets--and obsessing over every negative he could think of. The kitchen is lovely. There would be no emergency whatsoever about updating it if that's very important to him. But the bones oh the bones.
Anyway, later he began focusing on the cost, finding it overpriced. (And he'd just taking a big hit on the stock market, so that's totally understandable.) So we went back and forth about it all day. I asked him to let me contribute my retirement savings, that is how strongly I felt about it, and I meant it. He said oh no, etc. Meanwhile, the clock was ticking and because I know this town so well, including the market, I said to him and our realtor, this will be gone tomorrow. I knew. So all day we deal with the discussion and then, during our T session, M says he's willing to make an offer, and did. Sure enough, it was already under contract. It was a perfect gem, perfect for our lifestyle and aging needs...and perfect for me at a spiritual level. That sounds silly but it had hit me in that way like an earthquake. Yet not having money power, I was overruled. So THAT issue came into focus. I was just shattered. I wasn't going to fight about it, I ain't no gold-digger, but it was actually a painful loss.
I've never reacted that way. I've always been pragmatic and realistic about houses. I figured out later that the biggest part of it was that street, and that study window...with no connection to family now, I thought about how intensely I have always bonded to place, as I did as a little girl. THAT tree, THAT shrub, the way light comes through THAT window. I bond super-deeply to place. The unexpected revelation of how healing THAT place would be to me...blew me away. An actual loss.
Meanwhile, M explained to me that he looks at real estate PURELY as a financial transaction. His obsession (identified in T) is being certain he gets a "good deal." So even though he COULD afford it, he just didn't want to. His calculation said it was over-priced. Probably was. But I could have made up the difference from savings and the way he dismissed that option made me feel even more powerless.
All in all, I am glad we went through this. It was our first intense argument and it revealed a whole lot we need to be honest and adult about -- like bringing economic power imbalance right in front of our eyes, and examining how that will affect our relationship and how we're going to deal with it in the future.
Meanwhile, there's ANOTHER house on the very same street, even same side, that we're seeing on Monday. It's lovely and I could live there. It has the elegant finishes and historic aura (1920s) that M loves, all the spaces we'd need, and will cost even more than the previous one. But to M, space that impresses is important. Just a fact of his raising and I'm not going to shame him about it. To me, I want a house, however gracious or spacious, that feels like a hug when you walk in (as the other one did). He wants a house that will put you in awe of the owner (as this one might).
That won't be me. And that's the reality.
Heavy stuff, but necessary. And I feel that if he falls in love with the new house on that street, it's a compromise I should embrace. (Don't like the back yard as it's too shady and steep, but I'll make letting me have trees taken out my only condition.)
There you go....and here we are. Thanks for listening.
love,
Hops
