Relationship/s

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Tupp.

It's sinking in and though I still feel it was the right decision,
it's not easy. Had a pretty down day yesterday. It's just the
feeling of isolation is much more than it would have been just
after a "normal" breakup, I think. For several reasons:

--pandemic/quarantining means a lot of time (nearly all) alone
--now that I'm 70 I'm less confident about ever finding a new partner
--when I wake up in the morning I think of M first, just there it is

I know all this will ease in time (except perhaps the finding someone bit).
And I made the decision I felt I had to make.
Still, the peace does come with a price.

I know M is probably suffering too at the moment, and it's tough
to think about that. I do miss aspects of being with him a lot.

All that said, I'm hanging in. Need to get outdoors again as my garden
is withering.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

It is hard, I think more so if there are lots of good bits as well.  And yes, as you say, age, pandemic, these are factors and very big ones!  It's equally hard when you know you could be with someone and you kind of convince yourself you could ignore or cope with the bad bits (I know I've done that myself in the past).  I hope it all starts to get easier in time, Hops xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Tupp)))).
I really appreciate your empathy.

I agree, it will get easier with time.
I'm confident of that.

I need to be patient with the day by
day healing. Lots of little fissures need
to knit together, so I need to be kind
to myself too--and calm.

(Not my constant M.O. but I know it's
what's needed.)

hugs
Hops

[CB123]

Thinking of you, Hops. Hoping you have a very peaceful day today.

CB

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((CB)))).

I fought back the down-lassitude enough this
morning to get out and water, and in the nick
of time. Was very excited to see my first ripe
cherry tomatoes -- they're a heritage golden
yellow version.

And the chard is going like gangbusters still.
Everything else seemed pretty pooped out.
Carrots had been coming along (another heritage
seed that produced whitish carrots with an earthier
flabor) but something ate off all their tops.

I have a suspect. This morning when Pooch and
I went out the side door, a small bunnywabbit
was just sitting there, enjoying the view into
the long back yard. Didn't budge until Pooch
came out, tentatively, and then pulled back.

My 20-pound dog just retreated from a wabbit.
Oh, the shame of it.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Poor pooch: ) 

I'm happy to read your garden is producing yummy warm fresh things for you still.

I haven't checked my tomatoes in a while.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

I know, Pooch must have been so traumatized
(by the sight of a bunnywabbit half her size...).


Good luck with your tomatoes!

Hops

[lighter]

You sound good, Hops.

I'm sorry things didn't work out as you'd hoped.  Perhaps this is practice for what comes next. 

Something wonderful, this way comes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Well, I'm always reluctant to predict or fantasize about romance...but thanks for the thought.

I've learned that keeping my feet firmly on the ground for as long as I can is a big help in retaining enough relationship with myself to save myself from long-term harm, I think. Even with this relationship, a year and five months before I accepted it couldn't work long term was progress. I've spent far far longer in mismatches at other points in my life, and don't regret this relationship, so by my snaily standards, this is growth.

Just growth for me, though. Doesn't guarantee anything about anyone I may meet.

Meanwhile, I'm growing in more ways than one...have been putting on weight with emotional eating. Not happy about that. Too much food in the house to get through quarantine, and lack of activity due to heat...and isolation. Hope to get a grip soon.

thanks,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Well, at the risk of giving y'all a case of the head-snap...
I'd like to say I just had a lovely Zoom chat with a very nice gentleman.
(I think deep down, I have a fair amount of tolerance for risk taking.)

What happened was that on a neighborhood website, a man posted a sincere request for recommendations for good couples counselors, because he was trying to help friends of his. I leaped to recommend the Sikh with a few descriptive lines. The man wrote me back his appreciation, saying it was the "fullest" response he'd received.

I thought: nice, clearly my generation, educated, why not? So I replied, I'm finding this quarantine really wearing and wonder if you might have a nice divorced/widowed friend who likewise might enjoy practicing Zoom conversation?

He replied he did...gave some details. I replied again, great, happy to, give him my email, etc. And then he replied...it's me.

Long story shorter, we yakked away for almost an hour and a half this afternoon and both enjoyed it. I'm sure we could be friends in "normal" life, and said so. He said the same.

Just FRIEND stuff, but I feel proud of myself for reaching out. One never knows!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Hops, that's great news, I'm really proud of you as well!  How lovely, a new lockdown friend, that interesting 'getting to know you' phase and I like the fact he was looking for a therapist for friends of his - indicates he values a bit of outside support and introspection when needed, I would have thought   Aw, how lovely.  That's really nice, positive news.  Does him posting on your neighbourhood website mean he lives in your area as well or is the area his friends live in?  I'm very excited to read this update xx

[sKePTiKal]

Good news, Hops. There's not a thing wrong with adding a new friend. And who knows? Perhaps at some point, things will shift into something more later. It does happen. But being friends first, is the perfect way to determine how many layers of masks there are to the person - and just what they might be trying to cover up. Without having so much at risk yourself.

For as much as you are clearly an introvert, you genuinely have an interest in people; and care about them as human beings. And you value your connection with other people. I'm happy you reached out to this one - and that it's evolved into occasional companionship already. As far as I'm concerned, a comfortable companionship is 90% of what makes long term relationships work. Sounds old fashioned - but we're already from a past century right? LOLOLOL.

[lighter]

Really good news, Hops.

I have more connection, now with COVID, than I have in the last 15 years before.  People are reaching out more on neighborhood boards, as your new friend did.  We have chances to encounter more people, and people seem to be posting about smaller things they're interested in.  I just learned my new moss friend moved into the neighborhood the same year I did.... we've been a mile apart for FIVE years!  Just crazy it took COVID to find each other. 

And... of course this gentleman was impressed with your recommendation. You're a wonderful, thoughtful writer.  He's likely enchanted.  Have fun!

Another bright spot in quarantine, IME.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, everybody. I truly enjoyed it...no regrets.

I've noticed, however, that despite me saying at the end of our chat how much I enjoyed it, and that we could do it again (and him agreeing)...crickets.

I'm not too focused on this, but notice that my thoughts are running in the direction of reciprocity (lacking). I reached out in the first place, he did respond, and so I'm thinking (like an adolescent)...who moves next?

And I have a sort of stubbornness about not wanting to contact him again. I am very leery of being the bold one, the one who drives some connection. I want it reciprocal. At the same time, he did mention that he's "shy."

So perhaps I'll contact him Monday to say something. Maybe like, Want to Zoom again? And just see what he says. That's not too vulnerable or revealing.

But if I do that the once, I think it'd be wise to actually tell him about how I feel about reciprocity.

I've been down the one-way who's-pursuing road before, and never want to again.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops, that makes complete sense to me.

YOU being completely authentic, honest and up front about yourself, and your expectations.... that's good information and you're entitled to speak and have your opinions and make your moves.

Dropping expectations, around what he does, is important too, I think. 

You can only control yourself and your choices.  Step up.  Listen to your intuition.  Be brave.  Don't fear the outcome.  Get curious about it.

I think bravely being yourself will move you through decisions and outcomes more quickly. 

I have no problem asking someone for time or attention, though it's morphed through the years into a what I want, rather than what I need.... as something OUTSIDE myself to BRING ME HAPPINESS.   Now it's just desire for healthy connection, and I'm entitled to that.   It's not a big thing to ask for.  It's OK to seek it out and it's OK when it doesn't work out the way we would have hoped.

I guess the big things is.... to remember you aren't asking for a wedding date here.

It's just a chat, or coffee, and it's OK no matter what happens.

Lighter