Thought I'd bring up a friend-relationship issue here, hoping for insights.
My closest friend, the poet, means a lot to me. She visits every week or so and I've always felt she's someone I can count on. We went for a gorgeous walk out in the mountains the other day when the cleaning person was here, and then to a brewery to sit outside and enjoy a warmer-than-usual afternoon, it was wonderful. Lately the pandemic has affected her deeply because it prevents her from seeing her child and grandchild often (they live a long distance away) and her relationship with her partner often descends into bickering she's sometimes called me in tears about. So I'm an outlet for her about those things, and she's been an outlet for me about M and about life in general. I was just telling my T how important she is, in our general session about how I need more loving support in my life.
But she does have a temper. When she's upset about the pandemic and we start exchanging facts, she used to get very irritated and start lecturing me about scientific things she'd read. I'd counter a bit (with other scientific sources) -- but what the struggle was I realized was that her intense longing for her family was prompting her to say a lot of things about how we'd "soon be back to normal" or "if you get it it won't be so bad, they'll have new treatments" and a lot of things that were more fantasy than reality based. I understood why eventually, and just stopped debating pandemic stuff, so that got better. (My approach to it is full-on accept the harsh reality, and hers is more escapist hopeful fantasies. Just different.)
I finally realized that she, like M, is also from an academic family and environment (both her parents were quite famous in their field) and that she has a way of occasionally dominating in a lecturing tone that I'm very allergic to as it feels so condescending. Hmmm. She lapses into that now and then but not all the time.
Anyway, today we were walking and I mentioned that because of the new virus variants I was just going to keep my head down but double down on my precautions, for example by double-masking and increasing my distance to eight feet. (It's a pretty wide street and I was walking well into people's yards with the dog, but she kept walking a bit closer than I was comfortable with, so I asked her if she could go out one more foot, which put her a little into the street--not the middle or anything, but a bit more.) Anyway, she got mad and said she couldn't both walk and talk and was just trying to have a conversation, so we'd have to stop talking and just walk separately.
So we did, and she told me to go ahead and I complied, and a couple times just turned back to wave at her in a friendly way. We'd agreed to meet back at the house. The last time, I was many yards ahead, and when I turned to wave she stopped about 15 YARDS back and said, "Is this far enough?"
Tonight I realized I was feeling extremely anxious about it, even though we'd still had a pleasant visit. I'd asked her to bring her own snack as I hadn't made a new food order so she had brought packages of crackers and cheese, and finally offered me some. (I usually serve her drinks and something like spanikopita, but she never offers to bring anything so occasionally I ask since I don't always add snacks to the food order.) I ate too much of her cheese and she mentioned it was usually for her lunch so I felt weird about that too.
I guess I just don't handle other people's anger or annoyance well at all. I know all this must sound petty and silly, but the ultimate result was that I got very anxious tonight. Ordered a pizza and slice of cheesecake and binged. Later had trouble breathing.
It was that one moment, when she was standing so far away and snidely asking, "Is this far enough?" It represented not only distance but loss of connection, I think, and it hurt. Tonight I realized that it was very similar to the way I'd feel when M would be angry or frustrated and verbally go after me. I feel scared in moments like that. That's the truth.
It also tells me I'm emotionally too dependent on her. And that in general, I'm scared to trust or be vulnerable, even with the people I'm closest to. (M and I are doing fine but for me, it includes a knowledge that he's not fully trustworthy if I were in pain or really vulnerable. And this is my general problem with the people I pick to be closest to, which my T and I identified last time.)
So tonight I wrote her a long email about how I have trouble with others' anger and how I know that getting angry or frustrated is fine, it's just that if she could say it directly rather than going to sarcasm or lecturing it'd be easier, and told her about that moment when she stood way back and asked that question and how it felt, etc. Also told her how important she is to me, etc.
But I didn't send it. I feel afraid to share how I really feel when she lets her temper show in that kind of verbal jabbing, and how the truth is it scares me because it affects our connection.
I really think this is about some early-life feelings of not being safe. My T brought that up last time. And if that's the case, maybe it's better for me just to work on these things with my T, rather than try to confront it or talk about it with the person who's triggered those feelings. (Because more than making a big deal out of a relatively minor moment in an overall good friendship, perhaps I'd do better just seeing it as an opportunity to get more insight working with my T.)
Hmmm. I think that's why I'm thinking this, and writing y'all in the middle of the night. This might be a deeply personal healing thing with very old roots, and not a thing I should take up with a person who maybe won't respond well without escalating (she gets into regular fights with her partner), or who just can't manage her own emotions completely anyway because of all she's coping with. I think I like that decision better, and writing it out here has already helped.
I don't want to put pressure on our friendship, because I think the pandemic restrictions make it hard enough for people to stay connected right now anyway. And on balance I'm glad she's in my life.
I think part of my worry is, does this mean I'm just too dependent? I really am rocked by it when someone I'm close to gets angry at me. I want to run away from it but also feel like a combo of persuading/explaining/clutching/persuading (won't you talk to me more nicely?). Maybe that also came out in the email draft (which years ago, I would've sent. Maybe I'm making progress.)
I'm open to considering the question, though. Send email? I'm thinking not, though I've always analysed things to death in close relationships, which must be tedious. It's anxiety, I think. Fear of abandonment. (If someone gets angry with me, I'm unsafe.)
How LUCKY I am to have this place where I can vent it all. (I first wrote "how pathetic" here, but then erased it, then put it back to be real.) Thanks for listening.
hugs
Hops
