Narcissistic Mother stinks and always has

[Bettyanne]

I just turned 76 years old .....and you would think I would be over this rotten thing that happened all those years ago but I'm not.  I can talk and say all the things she did and said etc etc......but she  lived to 100 as my therapist said was very difficult.  Never did she change one iota....I realized in therapy how dysfunctional my family was.....not just my mother but my father and grandmother allowed/enabled her to do and say anything she wanted.  Never a day of normalcy ....never a feeling of Love.....even my brother was born with cerebral palsy never walked or talked and my grandmother who lived with us screamed and yelled all day. it was always what she wanted to do with her life and she controlled what we did with ours.  Never a thought in her head.....with her 8th grade education and her year of business school.....she was the Queen.
I try everyday never to be anything like her......not that I have never made a mistake but I sure try and will always try to Love and care for my husband and my kids. 
I realize now I never really had a Mother.....I had someone who gave birth to me.  Someone so sick and destructive to only care about herself. I can remember as a young child being put in a taxi alone and  she had the driver take me to the day care center.  I am truly lucky to be alive ...lost the top of a finger as an infant because she wasn't watching me.....the stories go on and on.....she is dead only 7 years but I am grateful she is gone.
I need to find peace....within myself....she left me bare of all the normal things in life.....but I know I need to accept what happened to me and make the best of rest of my life....I have been truly blessed with a kind husband and great kids....not perfect but at least normal.
I would appreciate any advice from you friends who have walked in similar shoes?? Thanks...Love, Bettyanne
PS some good news my husband's cancer is going little by little and we hope he will be cancer free soon...I am so grateful for that news from the doctor.

[Hopalong]

Bettyanne, that is wonderful news about your husband. Whew! So hope he continues right up to a lasting remission. If it's prostate cancer, that's surely possible.

How horrible it must've been to have a grandmother who screamed and yelled all day in the household where your helpless brother lived. And you, being neglected so terribly by that broken mother. I'm so sorry childhood was like that.

I think people recover from those kinds of childhoods in varying degrees and at various points in life: never too late! And the fact that you take loving care of your family and have steered your own ship in the absolute opposite direction from your mother's personality disorder and the rest of the dysfunction is truly admirable.

Since you feel haunted still, though (and understandably), and ask for advice -- my best advice is to seek out a wise, compassionate therapist and unpack the whole damn thing. That means going once a week for a good long time. (Think a year, not a month.)

It also would mean caring enough about your self, your happier old age, your serenity, your sense of purpose and hope...to say to yourself: At 76 (or 86), I, Bettyanne, deserve to learn and heal from lifelong wounds I never before have had the time or ability to take care of. I am as deserving of that care and healing as any other human being who walks.

If there are obstacles to finding and accessing a good therapist, determination is what you'll need. Just decide you are deserving and go for it. There are sliding-cale options in almost every location except extremely isolated rural towns these days. And even in those situations, some people benefit a great deal from "tele-therapy" they access online (live video conversations with a therapist).

If there is a Board for the Aging or any sort of services for the elderly organization where you live, make an appointment and go in to talk to their advisor about how to access therapy. Never abandon yourself or decide you are not worth it. You are.

I have known quite a few people who entered therapy in their 70s and were so profoundly glad they did.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm really glad to read that news about your husband, Bettyanne, and it's nice to see you

What I can say about my journey is that I've had to work on accepting that I don't ever think I will be completely okay with it, or over it.  I think that sustained failing throughout a childhood has such a fundamental effect that for me, I feel like I will always be dealing with something else that comes up.  But what I've found helps me is that as I've gone along, I've learnt more and more ways to cope with what I feel.  This board in particular, but also counselling and trying to forgive myself for not handling it perfectly.  I think something I've found hard is feeling that it's alright not to be alright about it.  I think when we're raised in a way that has taught us we didn't matter or we weren't allowed feelings or we couldn't do anything right, or whatever else it is, then I think it's hard to just be who we are and deal with all the feelings that come up and all those horrible memories.  The loss is something I struggled with for years.  I used to watch parents with their kids and I'd feel angry at those kids being loved and played with and well looked after.  And than I'd feel horrible because who in the world is angry at a little kid for being happy?  But I realised that underneath it I was really sad that I hadn't had that and whoever or whatever you have in your life later on, if that bit is missing then it just stays missing.  And I think that is really hard to cope with.

I think it's amazing that you're going down this road - for many people it's easier to ignore it.  For you to be facing it, especially when your husband has been so poorly, is amazing.  I'd second Hops' recommendation to find a good therapist - just having that space to let it all out can be so helpful.  And post here!  We all get it   We've all been through similar   Lots of love to you xx

[Bettyanne]

Hi Friends......sorry I didn't respond to your replies.....I will soon......yesterday was a very hard day.....I went with my husband Bill to get an opinion from radiology doctor and we had been told by Bill's oncologist that the cancer that spread was gone but this doctor said he had so many lesions in his bones?? what?? why after we were told it was gone?? so Bill and I are besides ourselves today.....we need to go back and figure out what we can do?? or get another opinion ??
I will respond to you soon.....and thank you so so much.....Love, Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

CRAP.
I'm really sorry to hear that, Bettyanne.
Dammit.

One thing at a time, now.

Comfort to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh Bettyanne, that's terrible that you've been given conflicting information!  Over something so serious as well, I'm not surprised you're both in a tizz, I would be as well.  I hope they can give you some clarity quickly; a second opinion might be useful as you've been given such different information.  It's hard to trust doctors when they do things like this.  I really hope it is an error or a misunderstanding and that you and hubby know more soon xx