Tupp:
My feeling, about how things are going...
is that I've pushed past limitations on my ability to rest.
My brain feels like it's been in neutral for a good while, which is different than STARTING TO REST, then dealing with all the shoulds... the expectations for payouts IF I allow myself to rest, then I'll (insert amazing things I HAVE/SHOULD DO,bc I allowed myself to rest for a short time.)
Lately, I've extended that rest... banished the voices..... removed expectations and judgements.... just released them... let them go without focusing on it. That's hard to do IF you're NOT judging the judging, IME. Ummm.....
::uncrossing eyes::.
Mindful focus on resting, feeling entitled to rest, dismissing voices and belief systems that challenge my ability to rest. RESTING IN AWARENESS. All the shoulds.... all the voices telling me I have things I SHOULD be doing.... are falling away without judgment. I know I repeated some things there, but it helps me internalize the lesson and so I'll be repeating a lot in this post.
I think I wouldn't be resting IF I was judging any part of it. So many things to let go of. Latching on to ONE thing derrails the entire process, IME. You can do so many things rigth and still not move forward, which is part of the process, and shouldn't be judged.
I don't think I'd be resting IF I saw whatever I was doing as something negative.... like "zoning out" on the computer, which I've limited to a few things that bring me joy, engage my mind and maybe that's part of feeling more creative.... of feeling into more possibility bc my mind is engaged with joy OR I've stopped labeling it as anything. Not sure. Just noticing I'm not judging myself or labeling what I'm doing.... I'm just open and exploring and noticing.
What's byproduct of resting in awareness?
I can only say I've been focusing on rest... that definitely came first. This typically leads to noticing how tight my stomach is. I release that tension. I go back to feeling good about resting.
Waking up feeling good.... noticing turning toward myself and away from negative voices and belief patterns of not feeling entitled to rest, and all the I SHOULD BE DOING blah blah blah.... seems to be a byproduct of resting my brain and avoiding reactivity, IMO... yup. That came next. Soon, if that lasts, I'll forget what that feels like... how it felt to notice turning toward myself and away from the voices, bc maybe the voices quiet, and stop?
The brain experiencing less stress means I have access to logic and creativity... seeing possibility... feeling good enough.... feeling entitled to rest and joy and more, in general. By. Products.
My feeling is my T was either responding to my thoughts, and being proactive with what she felt would come up for me..... the upcoming thoughts I interpret as setbacks or not moving forward, and wanted to help me anticipate them and deal with them. Maybe? I'll ask her.
Maybe the discussion around my ignoring the negative voices in my head made her think of thoughts as not being real... I can't be sure.
It's all connected. It's all there, waiting to step into the spaciousness created with the tools I'm practicing.
I just wanted you to know the starting place was focus on resting. Extending it. Feeling into it. Allowing it to inhabit my brain and body without pause or judgments, which is something I had to focus on, for sure. Just letting it in, in dribs and drabs.... wasn't enough, and I didn't SEE that. Couldn't get it, until I focused ON IT solely, as a mission. Trying to DO everything, equally, meant there was a lot of crabbing sideways and backward, but that's still learning, and building pathways and relieving stress in the brain, isn't it? Why, yes. Yes it is: )
So....resting in awareness. Resting. Rest. Resting my brain. Staying out of my amygdala and limbic systems.... no fear. No worry about the future or dwelling in the past. And.... not living in my limbic system and amygdala isn't something I did. It was byproduct of rest.... I'm pretty sure. It was the wheels turning more easily... without so much muscle and will..... less rust, more ability.
Being here, now, can lift us out of the spectrum of anxiety (at the top) and depression (at the bottom) and free us up for what's in front of us. IME. Above, and into a larger window of resilience.... we grow. We gain. We expand and build.
So.... rest.
As priority.
Huge self compassion. Returning to those things if I stray.... without judgment. Just curiosity, and THAT gets easier... starts to become the default, IME.
I'm checking my stomach for tension today.... and I'm always pretty relaxed lately.
I'm dealing with a sprained tooth, of all things and the ligament around this particular tooth actually siezes up when I look down, so I have to tilt my chin up, and try to remember to keep it there OR I'm dealing with what feels like a foot cramp, but IN my head and jaw, ouch. And THAT has my stomach tightening up, for sure.
Most of all...... I've stopped feeling panic over NOT MAKING ENOUGH GAINS after resting a bit... resting some... resting until my SHOULDs kicked back in. I can't stress that enough... how I sabotaged myself, even while I was using tools I knew would help.... I limited myself. Now I'm aware of that one little thing and so happy to have moved through a piece and put it in place.
I've pushed beyond that fear, and rolled my brain into rest's arms, for the sake of resting, sans expectation of what I MUST or SHOULD do, bc I've rested a bit. Again, I repeat, but it bears repeating, IME.
Resting more.... beyond feeling guilt for any rest I get..... and stopping myself.
Rest beyond stopping.... is..... what happened that I can put my finger on.
The other stuff happened, bc of that, IMO.
And when I'm challenged by negative thoughts... I'll focus on them and see what happens to them.... without judgment, but with curiosity. Without expectation. And maybe that's what the T was referring to. Maybe she understood everything I just posted about, walked herself back to the place I'm at, on my path, and spoke directly TO what's going on for me, even as I'm having trouble connecting the dots, but HAVE the dots in focus, but can't see them all at once.
Nothing has to go any particular way for me now. I don't have to get certain gains in exchange for being kind to myself, allowing myself to rest and feel worthy of it. That happened without my understanding or having that in focus. Different things, I practice, come into focus and are useful in ways I didn't see coming or understand.... it feels amazing.
I think this is new, and I believe I wasn't necessarily aware of I was pushing that deal.... making that deal with myself. I don't think it was with myself, btw. I think it was a deal I was making with the negative voices and belief systems of not being worthy in my own right to rest, care and compassion.
Tupp.... do you think you have beliefs around not being worthy or of having to prove yourself?
Having to prove yourself worthy.
Having to give and give and give to be worthy of some small thing you wouldn't normally feel you deserve?
Being flawed.... having to hide the flaws.... protecting yourself from being identified as flawed and not good enough and targeted by the negative voices?
Targeted and attacked?
All my life I've been targeted..... with FOO members wondering about it, not doing the attacking, but noting it..... being curious about it out loud. Wondering why someone is DOING something really awful... mean girls being mean, mostly, now that I think about it. I've always been so confused and confounded by it. Stunned, really. And this was happening not so many years ago.... just blatant cruelty and abusive treatment at the Re Center, for goodness sake, bc I handed that woman...... the chance to be who I always am with people. I just haven't internalized other people's motivations and habits bc I know my own, and mistakenly assume they're similar... will appreciate what I appreciate and step into it, when mostly.... the people who spot me for what I am HATE and resent and feel very destructive towards whatever it is they identify as NOT THEM.... as something maybe they lack or resent.
Ummm... SOOOPHING, Lighter? Stay out of other people's heads. I don't have to figure that out, just notice it, and respond to it, rather than react. Broken people are broken in their own ways. I deal with my brokenness, and that's enough. That woman is on her own path, where she's supposed to be. When I see her there's no more reactivity around it. For a while it felt like being hit with electricity when I saw her. Not anymore, though I sometimes think about asking her about what happened, without judgment or expectation. Maybe she'd feel better if she could talk about it. Not mine to solve, though.
Moving on.
How I see myself in the world. How I feel obligated to fix and serve and fix and busy myself with being earnest.
So very earnest. Like radar... an electromagnetic field of earnest seeking... that program running in the background, THE default setting. Lord.
And that's part of everything, for me.
That realization turned me around and faced me. Unfortunately, with more shoulds. Hmm.... something to notice, and not think about, I think.
::eyes threatening to cross again::
Rant coming on.....
this should have been a two-part post, I realize.
I should have been more assertive. I should have spoken up more. I should
have insisted on being heard throughout my entire life. Should have been more annoying, insistent, abrasive, pushy.
IF I'd... if I'd... if if if if if.......
I stopped doing that to myself, when I was resting, just for a bit, and I know I did, bc I've shifted out of resting and into SHOULDS again. I recognize it's back, in this moment.
A circling back.. hmmm.... backwards and sideways movement.... the T knows how this works. She reminds me. She sees it coming and shares lessons she knows will be specifically helpful, IME. It's here and it's OK. It's part of learning. It's OK.
I'm smoothing off the remaining edges of it. Getting to know it. Understand it better, calm it, release it back into the..... nothing. Let it be nothing, bc it was always nothing.
I could have been all those things, pushy/abrasive/insistent/annoying as hell and people would have benefitted around me, sure. Dad wouldn't have had his debilitating surgery. ASPDh likely wouldn't have felt so entitled to crush and destroy/harm ME..... IMO.
IME.
But I wasn't that person then, was I? I was doing the best I could at the time. Considering all my causes and conditions.... raised in a family with people who did step up, insist, raise their voices, or use language you couldn't ignore, etc, which I just wouldn't have done, but I'm not that person any more.
She's gone and I'm OK with that... I'm interested in what I do next. I'm not judging. Just noticing, and it's NOT MY FAULT that other people made really catastrophic choices. I didn't make those choices, they did. My choices were always earnest, to work, to do other people's jobs.... carrying their due diligence for them, seeking compromise and the best possible choices and that was beyond my responsibility/ability... trying to save them... save us all... from their catastrophic choices and that FEEEEEEELS like I could have/should have saved them, saved us all, but that's not right. It's not fair. It's not OK to hold that belief any longer, bc I did everything in my power, and beyond to change the outcomes. The catastrophes that followed were THEIR choices.... not mine to carry, though I've circled around feeling responsible over and over and over for so many years. And I'm so very tired. And this rest... this longer than normal period of resting FROM those beliefs is overdue.
THIS has not only haunted me, it's confused and confounded me.... circular. There's regret and shame and despair attached to it. None of that's helpful, except for the noticing without judgment.
And I see it very clearly now.
How I bought into the negative voices, and maybe I'm the one making up some of the things they say.
How I bought in and believe them and it's time to understand them, learn the lessons they had to teach, then apply new strategies to get more of what I want and need.
THIS is important. THIS can't be skipped over and given a cursory lick and a promise, as they say in the South.
Boundaries... the understanding and practice... is an important piece of this. So many dots, some... maybe most... in my peripheral or outside view entirely and that's OK. They're always there.
Focus on ONE thing is OK and helpful and moving me down the path. The path has more light, as I practice all these things as I can, with mindfulness. The pieces move on their own, eventually, and come into play to do their part, IME. THings ease.... things release, and EXPAND. Yes, that's it.
Expansiveness begins, and then what? I'm curious.
If being heard is important to me.... I have to strategize and work towards being heard going forward. Regretting the past. Feeling shame around prioritizing keeping the peace and not upsetting people around me....... that seems so....
::resisting the urge to say dumb::.
so....
so sad and childlike and....
sad.
What was modeled for me wasn't MY STYLE, but it was there, in my toolbox, and that created stress , bc sometimes I availed myself, and that felt just awful. Wasn't helpful, in the long run.
So many people would have benefitted if I'd been taught about healthy boundaries and entitlement TO them. I would have benefitted most of all. Well, maybe nothing would have changed. Why am I judging that?
::breathing deeply::. It's OK.
And so this upcoming family reunion will give me a chance to practice and notice how it feels and what comes next.
I'm looking forward to having more energy and joy and curiosity and not worryi8ng about everyone around me, as priority. All that energy freed up.
The journey continues.
Very.
Cool.
Lighter