Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

My sister and I are finishing up our tizzies and guessing what's in the neighbor's heads after a bonfire/smoked brisket gathering with many dogs.

I think everyone, save 2, are having the same discussions.

It's difficult to have boundaries all the time with everyone to the right degree in the right tones, IME. 

Just......not alleyways possible, bc people hear things in ways not intended, kwim?

A tip for those building Amazon bonfires....
If using camp stove fuel.....white gasoline....you are essentially building a BOMB that will shake houses across the street. 

::nodding emphatically::.

And....I' m protected by Amazon Angels and Archangels; ) 

Lighter

[lighter]

Today very busy.

Thinking about moments of serenity make action and creative focus possible and better.

Thinking about guilt.....whatever keeps one from being alone and concentrating unreservedly in that stillness. Being kind....on nurturing and growth.

It slows the process.

Lately it feels like falling into relaxation.....no more bartering with myself for it.  It's changed a lot.

All the neighbor's went through their worrying cycles and calmed down....including me after hours if hard work and togetherness.

One still clucking unhappily, but very sneakily, about the ones he doesn't like.  There was a bear incident a while back.  He never got over it.  She's a British, a doctor, runs a hospital.... the h makes instruments and is a world class mountain climber.  I suspect there's some jealousy, but I'm just making circular motions with my head and validating his feelings. 

Never inviting them over together again, what a mess people can be.

Dog fights.

Hosting at 2 locations...food 100 yards from bonfire.  Honestly, the fire one property was the fun happy place to be, so glad it happened that way. 

I really should know better by now.

Lighter



Lighter

[Twoapenny]

What happened, Lighter, did they all have a big argument or something? xx

[lighter]

The chattiest male neighbor doesn't like the Lady doctor and her ukulele/guitar building world class mountain climbing husband I THINK bc of a bear altercation involving a mama and cub.  It was reported the cub was shot.  Authorities were sent out.  Only the dog was injured and the shot was in the air, but everyone on the community message board went nuts for a while.

The chatty neighbor was quiet and stand offish one minute, then making my elderly neighbor lady titter over things.....I assume funny sly jokes were told with eyes shifting to oblivious doc and hubby who reminds me of Mr. Rogers.

Chatty also talked about the I'll behaved puppy, which is rich, bc he has an even worse behaved puppy of the same age and size.  The new puppy ticked off Pug and a Corgy with no social skills....so there were dogs fighting.

The next day Chatty man commented about the doc, mainly, and how odd it was she asked for smoked chicken skin silence she runs a hospital and should know better.  He also felt she should know better than to attend our gathering without a mask, which we all did, bc it was all outdoors.

Sometimes it feels a little like they want me to choose between them.....they do nice things for me.....Mr. Rogers made a custom wood worked fake owl mount for my roof and Chatty jumps into lots of my projects....comments....suggests.  Mr. Rogers chopped a big root for me the other day.

Only Chatty says negative things....also a little anger issue going on....you see it with his dog.

I know never ever to do a large gathering again.  We had small ones on my porch and they were much more fun, esp catered bbq instead of smoked at neighbor's.  Too much work and no goid deed goes unpunished.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

It's a shame, Lighter, I've always loved big gatherings, especially the ones where everyone brings something for the table; it means you can all enjoy food together without any one person having to do a huge amount of work for it.  But the dynamics can be difficult and it's such a shame that people can't just be polite or just avoid each other for a couple of hours.  I stopped having them where we lived before because by the time you'd worked out which people couldn't stand each other, which ones would be offended if they didn't get an invite, which ones would turn up without food but want to eat and which would bring kids/dogs/partners that didn't behave themselves, it just got too much to deal with and it's such a pity.  What a shame they couldn't all just get along for a while or at least be polite enough not to draw you into their drama.  Sometimes I think it's easier to stick to kids parties and make the adults stay at home lol xx

[lighter]

Ugh..... I just remembered my sister telling one of the neighbors to "watch your dog,"  bc it was attacking the doc's big puppy over and over again... not the fault of the puppy, and the lady just kept allowing the attacks, over and over again, bc she was having a really good time. 

The lady snatched up her dog and went home instead of shoving treats, we handed her, into her dog's mouth to keep it occupied. 

People are funny creatures. 

When our pug went nuts and attacked the same dog.....  the pug went home.  That was that. 

Our third sibling will be visiting tomorrow.  Maybe spending the night.  We don't know when  or for how long he'll show, but it's almost certain he'll be here.  My girls have missed him... he's a funny boy.... makes the girls giggle, kind of boy. 

We're also shopping Honda CRVs and maybe he can take a look at the one we have a crush on.  The touring package is so much nicer than the sport package.  We really like the heated leather seats, oh my goodness.  This car was driven by an 80something yo lady, who put 5K miles on it in 5 years.  I think it's the one; )

Lighter

[lighter]

We got the car today....well.  They have to buff out a scratch, so will pick up in a day or two, but it's ours.

As I write this I'm emotionally churning as I wait for youngest dd18 and her friend F to get blood labs back on the friend struggling with new medication.

Friend dealing with cptsd, mood disorset....mother never in his life, dad has some type of PD.

F was living with his "mom", but shes an ex gf of the dad.  An argument means F can't stay with her for the week until a space opens in a residential living situation F looking forward to joining.

His " mom" wants him in hospital, but they won't keep him, bc he's been cleared.

No shelters are open.  "Mom" arguing with F's care team who wants F in a stable situation....not a shelter.  Care team happy he's with us tonight.  Care team believes he's hyper from new antidepressants.  Psych appt tomorrow at 12:30.....is virtual.

I really like F and don't mind him staying here IF he's safe and receiving everything he needs, which will likely be the case.

The idea of him being on the street, with his " mother" washing her hands if him was super upsetting for me.....just an agonizing sadness I barely kept my composure over.

I talked to the " mom", who has a big heart....I mean, taking on a child not her own.  She DID that.  But leaving him homeless for a week, after talking to the care team and arguing w them.....I don't understand and neither does care team who speak or meet with F daily. F doesn't do drugs or drink....I think it's the trans gender status and CPTSD....how does a child's heart heal that?

 F always so grateful and polite in our home, always.  I so want him safe till he's in his new situation.  I'm also conflicted about the " mom" neeeding something that isn't possible....F remaining in hospital when they just won't keep him....cant keep him. Stories don't line up, and what she said didn't sound like bad behavior to me....she used the word disrespectful....but then....not her child.

DD shares most online classes with F so that should be ok. 

So....we have a roast chicken in the oven....a 1000 piece puzzle started yesterday....will be there for us when we get back home.  Whatever happens.....F will eat mommy food.....sleep safely and feel very cared for by youngest DD ( DD so like me....I saw it in her response) and 2 mama's in the house  Oldest DD not so sure about this arrangement for a week, but willing to stay open to whatever comes next....dd20 spent time with F and really likes him.  DD20 has e experience with troubled teens from her time at wilderness camp and therapeutic boarding school.   She's very reality based, which is good, imo.

Cross your fingers for us and pray if you will.  This poor lamb has a difficult path ahead. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What about your covid risk from this boy staying in your home, Lighter?
How are you managing precautions?

It's very kind of you to take him in, but ... the virus?

Worrying.

Hops

[lighter]

He was tested for Covid at hospital last night, Hops.

And he's as sweet and grateful as he ever was.  He said his mom was angry he didn't finish cleaning his closet before going to a friend's house....considered it disrespectful behavior, which lines up with the mom' s story AND with what Frank is actually like as we know him.  F went back to friend's house and mom told him he could find better accommodations elsewhere, which turned into a fight about F feeling bad on new meds and taking a day off work....then mom took him to hospital with nothing, and washed her hands of him..... So she said to everyone, including me.

"Above her pay grade" is how she put it, but I think she wishes him well and wants him to get the support he needs.  I suspect she was angry and reacting.....not serious about kicking him out, but now...,with F's team disagreeing with her/ arguing.....maybe feels backed into a corner, further disrespected by everyone and reactive.

I know she has F's school computer and clothes.....she put med in mailbox so why not give me other things if she's really done?

Care team looking for shelters if we cant keep him, so they think it's for real. 

I feel things making sense now.  Youngest DD super maternal with F....you can see she FEELS what she's going to do before she knows what she'll do.  DD also being more patient with me...,at 11:30pm, after 2.5 hours of running and waiting for F, I was very tired and referred to F as "her".....dd didn't even bat an eye....which was a huge relief.  Or maybe she's lowered her expectations.....F so tiny and cute and feminine in appearance and voice.  It's difficult to hold him in the right pronouns without blips.  DD is protective mother hen, it seems.  I mean no harm.  She knows that.

As things stand, F stable here....seems like himself to me.  Care team on board with him here, but will take me it day to day without fully committing, just in case.

I'm hoping it works out.  I'm hoping he transitions to new home smoothly and without drama.  He's 18 now. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Ok.

Update.

It feels like the processing has cleared brain space up for other things.

I tore out my laundry room, am cleaning a sopping wet mass of lint today from vent. 

THIS space will be only for laundry supplies going forward.  That means I'll get organization help from amazingly talented moss friend, who's home looks like an art museum.....everything has a place, kwim? 

My goal IS NOT that perfection.  Rather, I want to utilize my space efficiently and stop the ADD madness I suffer if I don't ask for help.

Moss friend is an artist.  Her tidy huge work space has similar supplies BUT all ordered and easily accessible when she wants them.

I'd like to have systems and order to create within too!

So.....less emotional clutter seems to free up energy for decluttering physical space, IME.

I put a big beautifully shabby chic dresser in my closet...think distressed boho blues and ivory SO pretty.....an added shelf for bedding over the dresser is astonishingly useful. 

The island box of things to send is in a corner, not in the center anymore.  Island luggage folded and neat beside dresser.  I have that closet back, which feels joyful AND I'm finally putting up art I have loved and stacked away over the years. 

The same is happening with laundry room.  I chose blue as accent.  Could have chided green or turquoise, but the Robin's egg blue made my heart sing.

Sister and I were up till 2 making final selection....and there are so many things that bring me joy.....all put away or stuffed under other things, now touched and loved again.

I'm actually looking forward to cleaning out dryer vent and caulking! Woo hop.  I think it's the huge satisfying payoff and job well done.

What I really think is.....
I'm in the zone: )

Lighter
P.S. I missed last appt with T and haven't rescheduled.  I think I'll shift to once a month, or as needed.  I might send our houseguest a fee times, if he seems agreeable.  He has a whole support team.  He might not want that kind of help I see as integral to my mental health, kwim?

[Twoapenny]

That sounds lovely, Lighter, it's nice to be able to find things without having to hunt through half the house or pull out a dozen drawers before you get to it.  I definitely find that emotional and physical clutter tend to complement one another, whether because one creates the other or lack in one area creates calm in another as well!  The dresser sounds really lovely.  I've glad you've got moss friend there to advise and make suggestions xx

[lighter]

Well, we've had a bit of attention seeking behavior from our guest.  Last night he went on an unprotected date and social encounter......no masks with these strangers.

Currently he's quarantined in my bed and bathrooms, and I guess I'll be bringing him food till he's placed in another hist home, which has to happen soon for all our mental health.

Things were clipping along with the laundry room then everything blew into a series of unfortunate events.

I want to shelve the laundry room project BUT have new dryer ordered....I feel driven to get a certain amount done first.

I have to tell you....people comfortable liing in chaos....
it seems, in this case, the boy manufactured this drama....maybe bc we're so boring and puzzle happy people?

I will say this.  Lots of opportunity for boundary work happening.  Youngest DD learning loads.

So....back to the chaos.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm confused but that's nothing new...

F is young teenaged friend of D, and a transgender girl, am I following? Is she on hormones? Perhaps mental health crises (so common for kids going through that) are related to those issues? If so, tragic--and scary, given the transgender teen suicide rate. Maybe impossible for a non-professional to handle. Poor kid.

I hope sister, moss friend, any other person who comes into your home has first quarantined reliably for two weeks. Maybe you've actually formed a "pod" with all these neighbors and friends you describe and I'm worrying about nuttin'.

Stay safe and enjoy your decor-tweaking....sounds really joyful to me.

hugs
Hops

PS My fire pit arrived (!) and I also ordered a simple log rack, just 3' long and tall, which holds about 1/8 cord. If I wind up using the pit a LOT I'll put one of those 2 x 4s-in-brackets racks behind the fence, order more wood, and just refill the smaller one from that. On the patio itself I just want the small rack since I have a perfect spot for it under an overhang. It's well designed and made in the US so I'm pleased. No tools to assemble and it breaks down easily to store in basement for summer.

[Twoapenny]

I'm sorry it's got chaotic, Lighter.  No good deed goes unpunished, as the saying goes - unfortunately I've had my fingers burnt many times when helping people who, as you say, create drama wherever they go.  I think for some the drama is a necessary way of coping - they can't deal with the internal issues (understandably) so they create something external to focus on instead (I did it myself for years).  Not consciously, but something inside just goes off, I think.  Have you got a date yet for him to move on?  I hope things settle down a bit and the new place is ready for him soon.  Focus on the laundry room - you sounded so enthused about getting that done and getting your stuff organised so I hope this doesn't derail things too much for you xx

Hops the fire pit sounds great and I hope you can get it lit soon! xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I purchased a new dryer vent, tape, elbow and clamps this morning.  Once I paint and get flooring down I'll hook dryer up temporarily till17th.  It's raining.  We had a tiny food last night.  We need the dryer today.

About good deeds.....I know this is the first living situation F has ever been in where gentle communication and boundaries are present.

It's probably good he's exposed to this odd form of language, even if you can see it hurts to land on his ears....maybe worse than screaming.

F did get antsy.  He did sabotage, but at least he we welcomed to join sane, serene space in community, so it's in his heart too.

I asked he be moved ASAP with a Monday deadline....and I'm ok with that.

Right now F is silent and not texting me back.I'm about to open stainblocker and get dirty while hoping fresh white paint, over old yellowing paint, will lift my heart.

I think everyone does some self sabotaging, btw.  We learn through mistakes.  I hope F takes some positive things when he goes.

This too shall pass.

Lighter