2021 Farm Log

[sKePTiKal]

The energies that hung like a low noxious fog cloud over 2020 (Hotel California, seems like that year's theme song) carries through the flip in the calendar year, but there are some new energies filtering in... change will begin to make itself felt and known.

Change is much easier to adapt to, when one recognizes that holding onto the past (as opposed to letting it go, even in memory) is actually a denial of the new circumstances of reality. That holds true internally, with ourselves, too. One's basic characteristics will find new ways to express themselves, if we allow - give permission - to that new expression. And we're always changing.

The same is true of people; much better to let everyone else show you who they are, rather than hanging onto a past idea of them, that one forms early on in the getting to know you phase. Even the people we've known for a long time - become different through living their lives - and it's possiblle that our perception changes too - so that there is a dynamic energy at work; and organic mutual energy exchange that keeps things in motion.

B's metal shop project got off the ground and on the schedule yesterday. It'll be a couple weeks before we actually start tackling that and there are a couple little things I need to do, prior. Hut garage will be closed in within a week. Today's cold - even to the point of being icy - dreck falling from the monotonous gray sky notwithstanding, outside work can commence around here this month - in prep for spring. None of it is difficult or physically heavy work, but it does need constant tending.

I could've spent time cleaning the house, but I didn't. I might make a "first layer" pass today - don't know yet. Been letting myself window shop new decorating ideas, thinking about updating my personal look (no decisions there yet)... and letting my head just calm down, relax, imagine & explore - my space. Hol hasn't been very active right now either; kinda on the same wavelength. She's getting more comfortable with "chop wood, carry water" and not venturing out of her space to rescue anyone. She's instead, cooking & baking. Refining her skills. Studio work/space is next; I made a first pass out there, too. I have the bug for some more practical space usage - for production.

B & I worked past/thru my meltdown about him not being able to give me an ETA yet. Truth is - I need to do some more stuff here, to make that move practical - TOO. And get a couple of old habitual thought/emotional patterns reined in, too. Conditional thinking is still plaguing me somewhat. And I KNOW it's a trap; LOL. Overall we're in a good place; solid; open & honest; still caring and a tuned-in connection that defies description.

Farm activities are going to shift into a new gear too - depending on some decisions (not just consideration of options) among the younger folk here. I can manage a good bit on my own, but I definitely need help with some things - even though my energy levels are better and physical stamina is coming back. None of that is terribly interesting work - but it might generate some good pics - and some good stories as I start expanding Hol's skillset in that direction too. She got gardening tools for Christmas.   

I think it's trying to snow now; but it's mixed in with pouring rain.

[Hopalong]

I'm interested in "conditional thinking", Amber, when you feel like talking more about it. (Sounds like a lesson I'd like to learn too.)

Meanwhile, you sound great. Workworkwork, puts me to shame, but also inspires. You're setting the stage for a next chapter at your end, just as Buck is doing at his.

Bravoooos!

Sounds like 2021 will be much happier for both of you, as all these things come into being.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Holding on to the past, Amber...
Like holding on to a rope sliding through our hands.  It's going, but the matter of rope burns remains tbd.

It's raining cats and dogs as dd20 drives us home from the farm in her lovely crv.  She's nervous and wide eyed by the big puddle noise and impact. Whooooo, bad deep puddles.  Gotta go!

Peace!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I have done this conditional thinking thing to myself more than once Hops; I know I can't help the tendency - given the circumstances I learned it under. That said - just like I watch my wonky ankle, I can watch out for this too.

It has variations on a theme, and some are sneaky, but in a nutshell it comes to the idea that I must be miserable with lonliness and longing, and unable to make a move re: a, b or c - because B isn't here. The condition being, that unless B is actually here - I am unable to function, beyond the perfunctory; I'm not in a relationship (!!) because he's not here; my life exists in limbo until the knight in shining armor rides in to make the sun shine again.

And once I recognize the notes of this theme starting to play out in the monkey mind... you can just imagine how irate and scathing I become to myself. They are the different movements of the symphony as the drama is just abhorrent to me (even tho I am creating it for myself)... and I work my way through to the simple fact that the premise of the original "condition" - me being utterly without autonomy, agency, or competence sans ANY man in my life - is so wholly UNTRUE and libelous as to be worthy of pistols at dawn. (Guess what I've been watching - LOLOL.)

Me??! A shrinking violet with a bad case o' the vapors? IN WHOSE FANTASY? Coz it ain't mine. But such is the power of those kinds of neural paths; habits of thought. And despite the years of evidence - some of it quite physically concrete, thank you - I still have to deal with this particular crisis of confidence from time to time.

This idiosyncrasy of neural path is very old; I have dealt with it a lot. I recognize the pattern; call it out when I see others doing it. Despise that I find myself doing it again. It's much easier to deal with now, for me. Because I don't need my happiness or efficacy in my life to be contingent on the condition of physical proximity to anyone; physical proximity is NOT required to have a relationship with someone. In a covert way, it's an attempt to shift responsibility - and therefore blame. And assume the role of victim.

I will. not. do. that. now.

I did indeed express my feelings to B - with all the grace & tact of a 3 yr old having a tantrum. And while I'm sure he "saw" a bit more into my usual reserved persona because of it, it rolled off his back like rain. It's still my job to dismantle & disrupt the conditional track of neural expectations in my head; not his. What he does - or doesn't do; where he is in closing his previous life; none of that impacts or restricts what I am capable of doing. And it doesn't change how I feel about him - that no matter how long this takes, he's worth waiting for - and that is BECAUSE the relationship exists outside of all those conditions, criteria - "this is what must be happening for a relationship to be a relationship" thinking. I am not going to curl up & die if my little girl romantic story doesn't follow a particular script or if my "demands" aren't promptly met.

I am not suffering, bearing a burden, sacrificing anything regardless of what my ego tells me I should be feeling. It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.

So putting a "condition" on my happiness is the height of self-sabotage.

Fortunately I can say, I recognized what road I was on pretty quickly and backtracked posthaste. LOL. One hates to be prey for the vagaries on one's own mind & past neural pathways, after all. It was still a close call.

Anyway, letting go the Victorian literary schtick...
in order for me to choose to more true to my self - I have had to work to let go those things I adopted to fit into dysfuctional situations/relationships, etc etc "old stuff" - I've had to purge it, as best I can - to make the space for stuff to be intentionally adopted and put to use. Every once in awhile, I run across something I forgot I saved during one of the purges... and it brings a shock of memories of the past. They exist in my own brain, emotions, and personality, too. Fresh coat of paint is just lipstick on a pig but I have tried that, looking for an easier way thru. Just foolin' myself. It either goes or I own it.

[Hopalong]

Wow.
I am too close to conking out to write a coherent reply tonight, Amber, but that gave me SO much to mull over. Thank you for writing all that; I appreciate it and relate to many bits of it.

For me, selfishly, the most important part is that it inspires me to deal. Just...to deal.

And: Bridgerton.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOLOL YES - Bridgerton! At first I thought it was a tad contrived; but I obviously identified with the difficulties of Hastings. And poor Eloise; oh I so connected with her. I was that awkward girl, for sure. Another good one is on Amazon Prime - Wild Mountain Thyme. It's $20 to rent, but was worth it. It's even funny for anyone who's ever struggled in a relationship. It's a laugh/cry at the same time movie.

Take your time Hops; I am not entirely sure I explained that as well as I could. I think we all have some degree of conditional thinking, as a natural part of life. Whether it's "I will be an adult when I graduate HS and turn 18 - so my life can run by my rules and I'll live happily ever after"... or I'll find my bestest friend and marry him and live happily ever after... or make a billion dollars... or become an astro-physicist rocket surgeon... whatever. And most people understand - but just take for granted - that this kind of conditional thinking has some basis in fact; but it's not the end all be all of living our best life. Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.

Where it goes funky for me, is when I fall back into the habit of making myself "less than" - in whatever ways - in order to obtain being protected, loved, SEEN and HEARD. Sometimes my motivation is to not trigger another's ego/insecurities. The protecting other's feelings crap. At my expense. Sometimes it's the damsel in distress syndrome. Expecting to be rescued by the chosen knight in shining armor. And it all falls into that broad category of co-dependence and enmeshment crap. It also falls into a communication dysfunction.

As if I must resort to this kind of subterfuge, complex game playing, to just say: hey, I believe I want THIS. Whatever this is at the moment. It's the conditional thinking that gets me into that awkwardness. "This" becomes (in my wobbly mind) so necessary for my well-being and ease of being... that I will do whatever it takes, at whatever cost to myself (throwing myself under the bus yet again)... to achieve or obtain it. And this whole process; premise; is just total bullshit - entirely, whollly untrue. And it's all wrapped in ego - mine, others, and how much efficacy I'm feeling at the moment (not how much I can muster and manifest, btw... just what I feel at that very moment.)

The neural pathway/process is initiated by that one moment of feeling useless; helpless. Then, we're off to the races. LOLOLOLOL. I think, too - the next step involves giving away my personal power; or believing that others have more intrinsic power over my feelings (conditional term) than I do.

It's a spider web of interconnections between all kinds of dysfunctional "symptoms"; the network nodes - if that image helps. So what I'm lumping under the (not so accurate) term "conditional thinking" is really unhealthy conditional thinking; it's like people pleasing for a specific outcome - or in it's worst form, manipulation & bribery. The healthy version is how people actually reach their goals - if I study hard & get good grades, I'll be able to get a good job. It's motivation.

Am I making any sense? I know what I'm talking about; and I know it's a real thing I do. I wouldn't expect everyone to resonate with the whole unholy process... but parts of it might ping before throwing light on one's unique situation.

[lighter]

It resonates with me, Amber.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This is what hit me hardest and clearest in your first post, Amber.
Firstly, the direct frontal confrontation you made with dependency thinking...that you can't/couldn't/won't be all right unless the love relationship works out. [Note to self the size of an encyclopedia.]

Nextly, this:

It's still my job to make sure my life is what I want it to be, and holding down my responsibilities and rallying my troops. No one else can stand in my shoes or make it easier. And it's been proven that I'm happiest when I'm in the flow of doing.

I believe it all and felt roused and motivated in the moment of reading it. Except for the last sentence, because that's where my struggle is. Doing. Or more accurately, not doing. The paralysis. The fear. The escape into endless distractions. In my case, the way the feeling of "no family, none" can enter like a freezing syringe into the heart, and stop all motion in my life.

Your followup post makes great sense to me too. Especially:

Some days - it's as simple as I'll accompish this ONE thing, and then I can simply relax and enjoy myself.

That's the baby step where I need to work. Not big overarching projects but just...any day where I feel well, I want to begin feeling accomplishment, small or large. (Lately it's been kitchen and some improvement/practice cooking.) Small things domestic would mean a great deal to my sense of dignity and hope. Big things, like a well-chosen and realistically-happy relationship, are the Big One. Might happen or might not, but I still have a relationship with myself.

I hate to think of you being scathingly cruel to yourself. It's not who you are or what you deserve.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I feel peace and ease when I picture every one of us extending unfailing self compassion to ourselves....and forgiveness when we falter.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I was also paralyzed at various times in my life. Yep; the whirlwind of doing has had her struggles with this too. Mine was more related to perfectionism one time; another - and occasionally still, it has to do with "I don't matter". In fact, this whole ball of process/maladapted thought has a mainline into that I don't matter belief.

Sigh. Yes, it's true that one time I seriously didn't matter to those I had no choice but to depend on. And it grew to be a thought-pattern - despite there was always part of me vigorously rebelling against that. And when I'm having one of those down moments - whether I'm just exhausted, or really hungry or letting my self-care slide or things seem to be awful & out of my control - the thought pattern sneaks up on me and tries to establish that foothold again.

My way out of that - once I realize that's whats happening again - is to just pick that one thing to accomplish that day and then make sure I pat myself on the back, or otherwise acknowledge my accomplishment. Sometimes, it takes less than 15 minutes - and I wonder what all my fuss was about - and that motivates to try some more things. Sometimes I push that one thing too far - and screw it up. Then I have to intentionally let myself slide on it - while also admitting, I should've quit when I was ahead and before I got tired, or frantic or stubborn about enforcing my will further than I was actually capable. Gotta know your own limits.

The things on that "one a day" list, are all things that matter to no one but ME. That's how I validate that I matter to me, regardless of the rest of the world. And it helps me gain some traction for re-centering myself in that space, where I matter to me, the stuff I want/need matters to me - and I feel strong enough in myself again to brutally honestly talk to myself about letting myself fall back into the old ways, that unhindered or unchallenged create life patterns. Yes, I am cruelly ruthless about that. Because it was my choice to work to overcome it initially and whatever in life knocked me back there - it is still MY choice to not stay there. I don't get away with trying to make something so big & powerful I have no choice, no agency, no ability to "matter".

There is also compassion and forgiveness, not just the ruthless honesty - "ands" ya know - because I don't accept any excuses for not getting back up and trying again from myself. Nothing permanently debilitating or bad happens if I falter or make a mistake. I can feel as small and insignificant as a worm - but I can ALSO still do x, y or z. Even if it's not my best effort - I'm trying. And that's what matters. It's a statement, expression, that I matter - to ME.

In an odd way, I've almost had to design & cultivate enough of a healthy ego - and navigate through the places where that could slide into N - to be able to build up enough self-confidence that even when things are darkest or most painful (even when that's just monkey mind nasty innuendo) I still matter to me; I am still able to find a way through it all to another centered place. It's just what life IS, I'm coming to believe. No "happily ever after" in a place where everything is perfect and nothing bad ever happens. Though I have those moments of awareness - and the response of gratitude.

If life didn't have it's ups and downs, I'd be trying to find ways to escape terminal ennui. Even the rocks in a stream can roll downstream, if there's been enough rain. It's still a rock; just in a different place.

And what the hell are we talking about again?? The ramble has taken the reins!! Back to focus on something, since I did my one thing today. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Annnnnddd... zero to 90 mph in a split second. I knew after such a long stretch of "nothing much going on" it would all start to happen at once. It helps that I can be happy or content in each place, I guess. It's the in-between where I get impatient or frustrated.

Might be a bit before I have calm head space again, to come back to this conditional thinking topic. Maybe by then, I'll have it distilled down to be more coherent.   

[Hopalong]

To me that was absolutely coherent, Amber, and extremely helpful and insightful.

I could ponder your description of the inner and outer Getting Things Done way of being for a long time.

I will re-read and benefit more than once.

Thank you so much, friend.
No matter how efficiently or inefficiently I apply what you're talking about, I have new clarity about the whole ball o' yarn.

It's not true "there is no try."
(I relate to the perfectionism precaution too.)

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I hope the zero to 90mph stuff is good things, Skep, even if it has all ramped up really quickly!  I'm glad you matter to you and that you notice when that slips, and know what to do to pull it back up again.  You matter very much to all of us, too (and many in the real world, I'm sure!).  And yes, you're right - without the ebb and flow, life would be very dull.  It's painful stuff at times, but it does make us appreciate those other times when things are lovely and all is going well (do we get those times?!  Lol, they're in there somewhere).  I like the idea of being a rock in a stream xx

[sKePTiKal]

It's good stuff Tupp; progress. Buck's metal shop build will start sometime next week. Hol's garage is about ready for doors & windows (not here yet anyway). Transferring title on Helga next week - to become the farm use vehicle. It's tax season again. And I promised to try to create a budget for the shop. I think I have a plan that'll be flexible. Numbers come a bit later.

Spring stuff arriving - grow light system; seeds; pro soil. I'll have to start seeds in the garage - Stinker is an adolescent tomcat now and is earning his name every day. Last night he crawled from the catwalk, across a narrow (couple inches) slanted ledge across the front of fireplace - right above Buck's red deer antlers - to the top of the entertainment center - which holds a lot of fragile keepsakes. I got him down without incident but in retribution he woke me up at 4 am. Knocked my glasses to the floor and then moved to the dresser and did the same with scissors I left out to cut tags off some new "dainty unmentionables".

I need to move my garden implements from their winter storage area, since that's where the metal shop goes and I need to start plowing and picking out rocks again. The ground isn't frozen right now; and if there is another hard freeze, that'll help push the rocks to the surface. I have plans for a small orchard too.

Hol & Steve put in a pond at the hut - and it's already full. They need to build shelters and fence around the pond, then they'll move the birds down there. That'll let me seriously research the Dexter cow breed for my field; maybe. I've talked about stocking fish; and Hol would like a swimming pond. Bobcat's been getting a workout down there and Steve is becoming the heavy equip operator. He's still learning but I've watched him; he's pretty good. Hol is still decorating & purging; rearranging furniture. Still has stuff to move too. She is still learning about greenhouses and picking one out - that's their Christmas present. They want to grow year-round.

Their employment picture still isn't looking up. So I'm researching what is required to become officially a "farm". It's a different property tax designation; I know we need to have at least $1000/yr in sales to qualify... but there are more ins & outs I need to look at. The cow breed is a heritage one; and is both a milk/meat breed. Perfect for small farms because they're not as large as the standard breeds. Scottish Higlands would be the other I'd look at. But animals - oy vey - they are a big commitment!! I'm not sure I'm really willing to undertake that. But we do love milk, butter & cheese around here. Once we're a "farm" for real - then I can add the kids to the payroll.

Still lots of purging going on in my stuff - as well as accumulating more tools to be able to feed ourselves, working smart not harder. I'm doing more planning on the medicinal herb side of things too. With the state of healthcare these days - having established gardens of important medicinals is part of the overall plan.

I have my hands full if I hope to move things along from the infrastructure phase - to production here. Along with all the paperwork, protocols, etc. We don't even need a list anymore since things are really coming together now. So whatever is going on out in the world - and exactly what that is is highly debatable and opinions seem to be lining up directly opposite without anyone actually HEARING what's important to the other half - whatever is going on out there... as long as it has no direct impact on my work/plans... then:

It's just noise and empty promises. Nothing is actually happening to benefit anyone except those in government. Both parties are equally responsible, IMO. Being Apolitical is still a real choice (for now); it has it's bright side too.

Media needs to respect it's boundaries and only report what happens; not try to make me think x, y, or z about it - and DEFINITELY not push the message that I'm a failure as a human being because I refuse to play the "ain't it awful" or "outrage" game and turn the definition of words on their heads... and blame people who aren't afforded the respect to tell their side of the story; aren't believed when they do tell it; and the only reason the Media cares - is because it makes them money.

I may not be able to escape the fact I live in this world - with all that other crap in it - but I sure don't have to OF that world. I know other ways to be and live and it's my choice to do so. I'm not trying to persuade anyone else it's right for them. Too many people think they have a "right" to tell other people what to believe and how to live. If they just minded their own business and gardens - people could get along much better.

IMHO.

[Hopalong]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV-M32RkyBg

I love this guy!

hugs
Hops