Hello from Seastorm

[seastorm]

Its been ages since I posted. I have been in quarantine like most people and I think I am shrinking away with this lack of contact. So it leads me to pretty dark places and I find myself thinking about the past. No wonder people don't want to go there, it brings up unmanageable feelings. I don't know if it was impulsive and destructive, but I contacted people to unravel events around the last year of my marriage. I learned that my husband was having multiple affairs and was involved in orgies. He was brutal verbally to me and had detached from our marriage although we lived in the same house with our little girl. It is complicated because I lived on a remote island, at the remotest part and there was no phone, electricity or reliable truck. The place has a foot passenger ferry.  So I was reliant on my husband for the practical things like food, kerosene, propane and company.
He became sadistic and said things to me like,
"Sucd my arse" if I asked for help. He never washed a dish or helped with our child ever. I finally left when he said,
Wow , I can't even write this. He was out and came home at 3am in the morning. I asked him where he was and he said he was talking to another woman at the community centre. so I said, What were you doing there in the middle of the night with your friends wife and he said, "I didnt even get my finger wet."  My whole world collapsed and the next morning I left for good.
Looking back I realize that when he went off to build our new house, he was not doing that. I found out he was having an affair with a friend and she said they went to orgies. She was reluctant to talk about it and said,
Oh why dig into that, everybody was doing it.
Well, I had plenty of feelings about it and became immobilized, couldnt sleep etc. I started to see a counsellor and it helped. She helped. She reminded me about mindfulness and calming down my brain and being kind to myself. She also suggested that I was trauma bonded to my narcissistic husband. he was so revered on the island. He had charisma like none other. At home he was awful to me. I read Millon on sadism and he defined it differently from what I knew. He said that sadism is taking over the power of another and taking pleasure in this. It does not have to be physical but can be about psychological domination. I was completely dominated and more like a slave. It had to end.
Staying in the present moment is a mantra for me, but finding out the secrets that were holding me hostage was real and true.
The other secret I wanted to unravel was my first relationship during my teens. I was involved with a man a few years older and I was besotted with him. Every few months we would break up and he would go away for a few months and then come back. I found out that when he went off it was with a mutual friend who was a man. Fortunately, this friend courageously told me about their homosexual affair. This went on for several years. He wouldn't go further but I think he was as tormented by the coming and going of this guy as I was. Good grief!

So these secrets were affecting my life but I chose to pretend that everything was ok. It was not ok.
I sensed something was wrong but lived as if it wasn't. My intuition and body knew but I thought I was just crazy and unstable.  What is the use of finding out about secrets?  I know that there are new ways to be calm and happy and I am in dangerous territory delving into these events that were controlling me like a puppet. I think the burn of it all will calm down and I have a new compassion for myself and the realization that I don't control what other people do.

Another mind blower happened last night.  A friend from that time long ago phoned. She was digging  to find out what broke up my marriage to the ex. She confessed that he had come onto her too. She asked why my ex was so angry at me and has remained that was for decades. Then she told me that she had heard that I slept with a friend of my husbands and gave him herpes. I could have fallen over. It is not true.  So I asked where she heard that and she told me that my sister told her that. It is bizarre beyond belief. I know my sister has a black heart and does things that are really deadly and it is so accidental for me to find out so many years later that she told my friend Val that explanation and the explanation was a lie.
You might think this is delusional thinking on my part. I don't know. Here is something my sister did... Many years ago she lived in the country and there were several draft dodgers living there. She was good friends with one of them. She got it into her head to make up a document that looked very official and it said that the draft dodgers were caught and they would be sent back to the US and would face lengthy prison sentences. She had real duping delight at this.  When the draft dodgers got the letter they were terrified. The next day they were in an accident where one man lost his legs and another was killed.  She admitted she had done some terrible things like that before.

I am not talking to my sister and haven't for several months but hearing that she had medled with information about the breakup of my marriage and spread malicious lies about me made me wonder what else she has done.

The good part about all this is that I got away. Not happily and with lots of fear but I did get away and go to school and get a profession and support my daughter and me.

I realize what is going on. It helped to write out this opera or dirge. I am getting ready to move to Victoria to be closer to my daughter and grand kids. The downside is that my ex lives there and he is still the colourful, charismatic narcissist and criminal that he always was. I am really afraid of him and give my own power away. As I am cleaning out my house it is shaking the ole tree of life that begins with our deepest traumas.

I am getting rid of my Chinese and Japanese antiques and getting rid of that business. I packed up and drove three hundred miles and put 35 objects into the auction. It was super exhausting. Everything was uber packaged. I was pleased that the director of the auction took 2 and a half hours going over my stuff and he was very encouraging. The auction is on the 21 of Feb. Hopefully, the proceeds will help with getting my lovely old house ready for sale.

So that is some of what is going on. I feel pretty lonely these days and change is like that. Crossing the desert of hopelessness and fear to get somewhere else. One more bardo.

I welcome your comments
 Sea

[lighter]

Hi, Seastorm.

It looks like you have some processing to finish, like everyone else.  I hope the sale goes well. 

What kind of work were you planning to do on your house?

 Lighter

[seastorm]

HI Lighter, Yep, I have some processing to do and it is not Chernobyl, just life, big life.
I live in a house with 1200 square feet upstairs and 1200 feet downstairs. It is an art deco house and as get rid of stuff it is becoming much nicer to live in. The whole of downstairs contained my collection of antiques. One side for Chinese porcelains and scrolls and the other for antique Japanese wedding kimonos, saris, dolls and ikebana stuff. I did this for about 12 years. I found I was not a tough enough cookie to handle the aggressive and crooked customers. Also just lost interest.
So I have to get rid of the antiques. So I took a load to the auction. They are very specific about what they want so I still have all the dolls and kimonos to find a place for. I just cannot stand to deal with the rest of the stuff right now as I am so dismal on the computer.
I have cleaned up my yard which is full of great perennials, roses, Empress tree, fruit trees etc.  The floors upstairs are fir and quite beat up and lovely so don't know what to do. Prices have gone up here a lot in the last year, at least a hundred thousand so I can move away. It is a mill town and very conventional. I don't want to be here any longer and it is not just seeking a geographical cure.

It costs a lot to hire someone to help. I have  bad back and can't seem to face all the stuff. Neverthe less, a ton of stuff is gone. I have pretty mixed feelings about moving into my ex husband's realm and it might be too hard for my daughter too. So... if the auction is successful then I can hire someone good to help. I look at all the stuff I gathered that I thought I would use for my various interests and it is ridiculous. Making hats, hat blocks, milliner stuff, spinning wheels and wool , fabulous fabric for sewing, hundreds of great books, teapot collection, gardening stuff, a giant port hole from a 1940s rescue tugboat. All my writing and teaching materials, Stuff for art therapy. See what I mean?
The prices of apartments in the city are rising quickly, not as quickly as they are going up here.  I want to move and prices are fast increasing in price so I am feeling that I have to do it NOW. However, this NOW attitude is not working for me. I though I could do it in a couple of weeks. But no, more like a couple of months and I am having to unload a lot of memories too. No wonder people don't move.
My sister has disowned me for not moving to the city where she lives. So that is how moving is. I am too old to keep this place up and too poor. Every year I spend huge chunks of money I don't have on important things like new stairs, New roof, new heat pump. Cant do it anymore especially without flogging the oriental stuff.  The upside is I want a simpler life living by the ocean and just communing with nature and children.

[sKePTiKal]

Sea - a couple things:

Do you reflect on whether you were content & happy with the Ex prior to the revelation of secrets? I wonder if you might've just been - what I call, existing - and accepting the tiny bits of joy you could make or find for yourself - without really sharing a life with him?

Second thing, I wonder just what you have in spinning wheels and wool, fabrics? And what highway robbery kind of shipping costs would be like from where you are to the boonies of the US? Both my D & I work in sewing/textiles. When I emptied my huge beach house to move up into the mountains, I ALMOST bought an old loom to restore & set up here. It needed some work, but I can handle that. And it was a fairly complex contraption, which would teach me a lot about weaving.

It's a good thing I didn't buy the loom. Even my studio space filled up with Hol's stuff when she moved in here. And I honestly would have to completely reschedule my time to find the head space to work with it.

It's bad enough I took on a tom-kitten to raise. Stinkerbell definitely is living up to his name. He believes he can fly - and I've found him on almost every high spot in the house - AFTER - he dislocated a rear leg knee cap trying to jump too far across a second floor catwalk/platform. Hopefully after his surgery on the first, he'll calm down a little - like his mentor Freddy, who's much older. And in 6 weeks or so he can start going outside with Freddy and will have plenty of gymnasium to explore.

[lighter]

Oh, Seastorm....you're in the thick of many plots, aren't you?

I understand collecting fabrics and beautiful tactile things.  My hands want to touch and work.  It's an inner drive, isn't it?

I'm in the middle if emptying my late father's home and the home I share with 2 young adult daughters.  I would never tell you how it must be done, bc I go between lovingly touching everything, thanking cherished things for their service, releasing them into the world (Marie Kondo style) OR chucking things, rather wholesale, when the pressure's on....and everything in between. 

Working with an amazing Trauma Informed Therapist means I'm in the middle, more often than not, these days.  In fact...thinking about it, I realize.... I'm rarely overwhelmed and reactive these days.....my life and serenity aren't challenged as often by the soeting.   I'd say generations of family photos and possessions are the challenge right now.  My sister and I tossed 3 huge yard bags, wittling things down to a huge armour and 5 big plastic tubs, but it's tugging at me when I let it....I wish someone in the family, besides me, was interested in the family history. 

As for the sorting you must do.....follow your gut.  I hope you find homes for most of it, but what an amazing feeling to create clear sunny floor space.  To clean it.....walk on it with bare feet is to create sacred space, IME.

You sound unsure of your plan to move near your daughter.  Proximity to a powerful ex abuser sounds chaotic, at best.  You mention your DD might struggle too.  Is that bc you know your ex would manipulate and jerk DD around.....require DD punish and or shun you, or else?  Is DD up to that? 

Its good to read you're being kind to yourself.  Perhaps your home doesn't require too much work, outside clearing and cleaning, to sell in your area.  I love the old worn wood floors.  I know roofs must be sound, gutters must flow and plumbing must not leak. 

I'm sending energy for the work ahead of you. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((SEA)))))))))))))))

Missed you a lot!

Even though you're in the middle of deep effort and some stress, I salute and celebrate you. I'm so glad you're making a change. Personally, I'm not worried about your Nex being in the same city. I've seen your strength. And I think you know a boundary when you set one. (Just my quick take.)

I'll be on tenterhooks until your auction is done, and how exciting that Amber and Hol might be outlets for some of the stuff you're ready to let go! That made me smile.

The only possibly-practical thought I had, fwiw, is if the auction is helpful and makes you ready, could you go ahead and purchase the space you like in the city, and rent it out until you're ready to move? If it's nice, there could be executive transition services that might be interested....I don't know what they're all called but for universities and businesses, attractive but simply-furnished apartments or houses are kept on a roster for temporary faculty or executives.

You don't enjoy computer stuff but if your adult child does, you could ask for a little research on that? OR, it's very possible that'd be too complicated an approach. A good realtor could probably easily set you up with a similar arrangement to rent out your new place, even on a six-month lease. Just in case you'd like to nab your new place now.

BIG hugs and keep updating us!

Hops

[seastorm]

Boy! am i ever glad I wrote that huge description of the inward and outward chaos. I felt very exposed and thought I was way to crazy for you all.   Of course Im not too crazy.

Your comments are gentle and right on the mark. It helped to write it out to people I trust. I know enough without digging any deeper. Denial crept back in and thought it was ALL my fault. Well, digging into my past for a solid gold version of the truth was ....... can't find a word.... chaos, heartshredding, scary etc. The thing is that I do know enough already. I can trust myself. It was as bad as I sensed it was without knowing every single detail and getting a polaroid of the pain. Wow. I stirred up some trouble.  I phoned my ex and he immediately triangulated or at least his wife did with my daughter who in turn was very upset with me.  She heard from the step mom that I am just after money. All I did was leave a message that I wanted to talk to ex. I wanted to see if we could give the gift of our getting along to our daughter. Well definitely no to that.
Skeptical:  I was not happy with my ex. We were together for 12 years and I was not happy . Happy didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was that he loved me. So I tried everything.But it didn't work and only got worse.Yes, I was only existing. Doing lots of art and crafts and gardening and going on the fishboat. Love the ocean. Very good questions you asked. Thank you.

As for the loom. It is a nice little 28 inch table loom and easy to use. Four harness. You can have it for the cost of shipping which would be about  125 dollars. I have a drum carder for carding raw wool too. Never used it.

Stinkerbell is a great name for a cat. Such big lessons from some cats.One lesson is don't give up on the cat.

Hops , So glad you are there. I salute you back. Yes there is something in the air about change for me. I read Pema Chodron and she is all for staying with the scary feelings  and not running around trying to get grounded.  I think you are right about not worrying about my ex. I think it is good for me to realize how little power he has over me. Probably the problem started in my childhook whoops I mean childhood.

Something moved in my psyche and today I mobilized and got out of bed and started working. My priority was to get my iphone going and learn how to use it. I am getting lots of referrals to do art therapy with Native childrenl and I have to do financial things on the phone. I hired someone lovely who is helping me. I even ran into a woman who asked me if I was Bev ross the counsellor and she told me her name.  I worked with her for a year and she is about 22 now. Wow. I asked the universe to give me an answer about what I should be doing. Next thing ya know I got five referrals for working with children doing art therapy.  What a day. I have three kimonos to my helper and she had an ooh la la moment with the silk kimonos, dragons and silk etc.
I honestly don[t know what I am going to do. First I have to take pictures on Iphone of Japanese Ningyo dolls and kimonosl. If I get the clients and figure out the paper work I can do it. They are having a hard time at their end figuring it out  too.
I want to see the children one on one so have to be careful and safety conscious.
thankyou for listening. My brain had a log jam in it and sharing with you helped a lot.  telling my story is not au courent  with therapeutic practice but it really helped.

No more digging in the past with people I know now are not telling a version of that truth but more a version of how they haven't changed much in all these decades.
Helping others is a balm for the sea sick soul. I will be happy to work with kids. They are such vivid artists and truth tellers. I won't try to change their parents and they are sooooo much of the problem. Now  I know better. Just keep the connection with the child.

It is too bad that people think the only really valuable relationship is with a man or a woman. OR an animal. Maybe all that needs to change somehow. Communities of friends with things in common would be nice.  Loneliness really twists me up.  If anyone feels lonely I offer them compassion and understanding and encourage them to love themselves way more and connect with a higher power.

Bye for now, Standing by

Seastorm

[Hopalong]

I loooooooove the idea of you doing art therapy with children, Sea.

Magical. Perfect. True to you. Fulfilling.

Lord that'd be perfect. I hope it grows.

Meanwhile, so much support. Transitions are standing in the wind and trusting it to blow something good, along with ducking the debris.

Don't be gone TOO long!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

The loom sounds about right for me to get started on Seastorm - and won't take up that much space if I don't get addicted to the lovely relaxing, repetitve motion of it. I like it's wide enough to do bigger sections of fabric. I've developed a mild interest in historic clothing - think Viking era - and have been pretty disappointed at the diminishing quality of fabric in general lately. Most of what my daughter does, sewing wise, involves repurposing old clothing/cloth. She might be interested in some kimonos for that purpose... but she generally works with quirky patterns & garish colors. I'll mention them to her and see if there's a spark. She makes quilt images from the old clothing. Sometimes graphic; mostly pictoral though.

If you'll PM me the particulars, for payment, I'll take the loom off your hands and list. That cost for shipping seems a bit optimistic to me, though. Maybe not. Sometimes weight impacts the costs.

I think most of my "art" was really art therapy for me. It was a way to "say" the things I didn't dare speak out loud. If anyone had paid attention to the images, the "unspoken" content would've been obvious. I did have one prof that got it, though.    I think this will be a rewarding occupation for you.

Transitions ... are like reincarnation for me. I stay me, but all the circumstances in life can change... and I can adapt to them. I've been through 5-6 major ones already.