I hear you too, Meh.
You were born with an innocent newborn's birthright to love and peace.
That your biofamily didn't help you learn how to find on your own is
NOT YOUR DOING. Sometimes infants get cheated out of this birthright,
and there's no excuse for mistreatment and no escaping the fact of it.
Only healing thing possible is to figure out how to find those (love and peace),
and not from looking to the original non-source, imo. One thing about Ns, they were mostly born with this emotional birth defect. So they can't change who they are.
Rage and blame are righteous fire but start eventually to sputter into ash.
Like Doc G says, a wise, compassionate (and objective) listener would help.
Even if online.
I so hope you find that care. Your story reminds me of a book that blew me away
in the early 70s. You might find a used copy for online. Dibbs in Search of Self. It's pretty R. D. Laing-y, but for me this was deeply appealing. I've remembered it for 60 years.
Doc G's advice is so good. I'd only comment: don't stop 'til you find it.
hugs,
Hops