Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Signals that your therapist is a Narcissist?!
CC:
I have seen three different therapists, two of them excellent, one pretty good (very lucky, indeed). What made them excellent? The ability to make you draw your own conclusions of what is discussed in therapy and a sense that it is making a positive difference in your life.
All my therapists (one male, two female) were extremely gentle - any ideas they put in my head were just slightly inferred; i.e., "is it possible that ..." and if you disagree with their conclusion, they support your decision to disagree and will offer another suggestion - or wait for you to determine one for yourself. They will follow YOUR course and speed of healing, not theirs. Good therapists offer little personal information about themselves - sometimes the more you know about them the more self-conscious the patient may be based on the information they've been given. If this one is telling you all about his/her own experiences, I would definitely see that as a red flag. I would guess if you are getting anything other than this gentle nudging, that it is not the right therapist for you - narcissistic or not.
My belief is that 50% of good therapy depends on the therapists educational background, experience and so forth. The remaining part is a combination of the therapist's intuition, ability to empathize, personal experiences perhaps.. AND most importantly, from the patient's (your own) willingness/readiness/timing to heal and work with the information and therapy you are receiving.
Of the three therapists I saw, the last one has been the most instrumental in my healing. Not because she is necessarily better, but because I personally connected with her more and she was intuitive enough to draw me out (perhaps because of her own experiences and specialties). More importantly, for whatever reason, I was READY to receive the information. My current therapist did not "diagnose" my mother with NPD from our discussions. In the midst of my healing for depression I discovered it myself after reading a book recommended to me by a former therapist (The Drama of the Gifted Child). Even though the book was recommended to me five years before, I didn't actually pick it up until this year - because I was ready to work and I was working with the right therapist. Incidentally, she is not a product of an N family..though she has done child recovery work in other areas (that's all the info I could get out of her!)
If you are feeling any discomfort with your current therapist AT ALL you should run, not walk, to another. You are wasting your time and money (they ain't cheap!) You may intially feel guilty - I did after seeing the 2nd one for 4 years :shock: but I even though he was a "good" therapist I personally had reached a plateau and felt he wasn't doing enough for me (I also suspected he was smoking pot before my sessions because of the smell in his office!!)
But it is their job not to take this personally - express to him/her that you are not making the connection you need for whatever reason and plan to seek out another therapist. If you are still uncomfortable, just tell them that you are going to take a break and maybe return later (then have the records transferred from one office to another by the new therapist).
Don't be afraid to SHOP for a good therapist just like anything else - to find the right fit. And, if the therapist tries to argue with your decision - I think you will have even more validation that he/she is the wrong one for you.
Incidentally, it is mentioned in the "Drama of the Gifted Child" book that narcissists and children of narcissists tend to be drawn to the field of psychology. It also talks about (to paraphrase) being cautious about this very subject.. that some N-victim therapists will actually unconsciously try to have their needs mets through their patients and are essentially incapable of working with recovering N victims because of this conflict. You are right to be suspect!!!
Good Luck!
cindy:
Mybe I should clarify, or maybe I just disagree.
I think we should feel regret and take responsibility for mistakes. I think a person has to to be healthy. A good counselor will help me clarify where my responsibility begins and ends.
I think blaming is useless, and I'm not crazy about shame either. These two feelings are diffferent for me. One is productive, and happens when I work with someone who validates my feelings. One, especially the shame, makes me feel worse about myself and is not helpful. IMHO
Living Consciously:
Thank you everyone for the time and energy you took to reply to my post. I appreciate all the advice. You've each given me something to think about.
The person my husband and I have been working with for the past 18 months revealed in June that she is the daughter of narcissistic parents. About a year ago she told us that she doesn't do referrals to other therapists because she was the only good therapist she knew of! (A bit grandiose, huh?) In a private session with me this past spring she told me that she was psychic and thought I was too! (thinks she has "special powers - another narcissistic trait) She seems to want to be overly involved in our problems - she periodically calls us at home at no charge between session to "check-in" and even gave us her HOME telephone number, home fax number and home email so that we could contact her if we needed to. She further blurred the client-patient line by giving my infant daughter gifts on a monthly basis - a hat, 4 books, slippers, a stuffed animal and a small toy.
But what really bothers me is what she seems to need from us...she seems to be using us to fulfill her own narcissitic need to feel validated, appreciated and "right." Even though we have never questioned her motives or commitment to helping us she continues to remind us how hard she is working to help us. She tells us how much time, energy etc. she has spent on us - even though we are the "most difficult clients" she has! She paints herself as a martyr and seems to forget that we never asked for this special treatment. We respected all of her boundaries but her boundaries are often too loose for our comfort.
My husband and I decided last week that we weren't going back. Honestly, we aren't in a big hurry to try again with someone else. She had a PhD in psychology and was NUTS herself. :x
Alan:
I suggest you report her to a local professional board. She has stepped somewhat over the line.
Living Consciously:
Hi Alan, I would love to do this so other couples don't have to endure what we did but it would probably lead to a "he said," "she said" situation. Plus, psychologists are reviewed by a board of their peers. I have no doubt this woman would invent some terrible mental illness to explain my complaints about her. I'm just not sure if I want to deal with all that narcissistic rage directed at me. It feels healthier to walk away but I feel guilty about letting someone else fall into her trap when I could have done something. :(
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