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Mom's: I'm open to your critiques on me.

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bearwithme:
You are all so good! :lol:  I needed some comfort and confidence and that is what I've gotten from you: bones, Ligher, PR, and Hops.  I am digesting all this as we speak.  Thank you.  I hate feeling so Un-strong during these time. I hate feeling defeated and that my feelings are pointless to others.  How is this an example for my daughter??? It's an awful thought for me but I have to face it, yet, if I get strength from others, then I'll take it.  I'll take it all.  Thanks!

These situations are infamous for making me feel like a failure.  I was never taught to stand strong and be "me."  Never taught to feel "okay" about my decisions and my gut reactions to things.  It was always questioned then mocked then thrown in the garbage as rediculous or not good enough.

Funny thing is, my gut told me ALL  the things that Hops and PR and the rest said.....but I smothered that voice.  I smothered it until it was silent and I was reeling and had no backbone because others challenged my control and sense of self.  It's always like I desire these situations because that is how I was raised, to be doubtful, to be insecure, to be relying on everyone else to make my decisions for me.  This I hate about myself.

Now that I'm a mom. I love my role as mom.  I need to work on this for my daughter.  Last thing I want her to see is me trying to placate people while my needs suffer for no good reason.

I'm a little ashamed here.

I know my job comes first right now and that is going to keep us going.  Thank God.  I know my gut feelings are there for a reason and not to be reckon with but have a tendency to let others break my boundaries ( a lifelong work, of sorts).

You are all full of wonderful advise.


--- Quote ---I had some similar thoughts to PR's, Bear, and a couple others:

--You cannot make a drama at your new job or pressure them for time off. Jobs are too vital these days.
Your job really has to come first so you can keep family going.

--They chose the coast. 3000 miles is pretty darn far.

--I would not let go of my 4 year old child for 7-10 days, even if Dad was competent. For me, that's too young to be that far away. On the other hand, that's sexist of me. So it really would be critical about THIS Dad -- some Dads are more nurturing and attentive and responsible than some Moms. And I don't have a sense from your post that Steve is fabulous in that department...if he's traveling all the time, would he be handing over her daily care, or most of it, to his elderly parents and others? A little girl can feel pretty lost if she's not strongly connected to a very close and very trusted relative.

--How much THEY want to see her is secondary to what's GOOD for her.

--- End quote ---

thanks!!

Beary thankful!

sKePTiKal:
Bear hon, you are most welcome!

When it comes to "mom-skills"... if ours wasn't very good at it, we end up observing, experimenting, educating ourselves and trying really, really hard to be different than she was. Essentially - we're making our own role up as we go along; writing our own job description. And we're not always gonna know with certainty what the the clear, obvious or "right" thing is all the time. I'll blow up that little "secret" once and for all:

NO MOM ever gets it "right" all the time. I believe the ability to apologize needs to be in the top-ten list of "good enough" mom characteristics. And right next to that one, is the ability to just say "ooops! I messed up" - toss that in the trash can - and start again. It's never, ever "too late"...

And the truth is, it really doesn't matter that much how "perfect" you are at the role either. What is more important - most important in fact - is that you CARE enough to think about just these kinds of things and that you want to find that path through all the choices in that are yours, that fits you and your family the best.

And it's plain as day to me that you care a lot.



(hee-hee... I'm available for adoption!!)

debkor:
Hi Bear,

Just a memory from long long ago.  I was a year older then your D when I was left in my father's care for about 10 days(without mom) being around to be mom.  And he was Mr. Mom!!!!

I still remember walking with him to grade K holding his hand and wishing he could do this all the time(with my mom).   Being that kid that had to do without mom for a period of days...Dad did just Great and left me with a very special, warm, secure, loving .....Memory. 

I would always be safe/loved/secure/comforterd with either of them.  I cried when he had to go back to work.  Very important (warmed) memory for me.  I can feel all that love today as I did back 50 years ago. 

You'll miss your D and be worried but really bear there is nothing on this planet that would stop you from, flying, sailing, swimming across seas to get to your D if you need to be there (not even your job) but this could be a very good experience for her to be with dad one on one.

It was for me. 

They both took care of me.  I felt very secure. 


Love
Deb

bearwithme:
Debkor:  Thanks for the input.  I, too, remember times with my father almost identical to yours.  Growing up with Nmom, I LOVED being with "Dad."  I can remember him showing me how Salmon swim upstream and how weather changes affect forests and  nature. 

My father was nurturing.  Thanks for reminding me.

I think you have a great point, but for this situation, it is just too far in mileage.  I  want my daughter to enjoy her father but on this trip, I don't think he will be as focused as our dads were back then.  He has 4 brothers who are party men.  They love sports and love to golf and have drinks at the bars....they get carried away, believe me, they are a riot to watch but children are NEVER involved. I know my husband would want to mix the two scenarious with built in baby-sitters being his mother and father. But it's too  stressful at that and I would worry. I'm hearing now that all the other kids' trips are overlapping to a degree and one brother just lives 3  miles from the grandparent's rental house.

I love the fact that we have had loving fathers.  I want my daughter to bond with her Daddy like no other. I will take advantage of other times, I think.  It just feels right to say that now.

Thanks for reminding me of this.  I know it's true.   :D

Bear

sea storm:
Dear Bear with me,

I think that your feelings really matter.  You have a strong reaction to your daughter going into a situation where you do not think she is 100% safe. That is enough. Your radar is excellent.  You are not over reacting. These are your reactions. You mom in law is not sensitive to how your feel and tough bananas. You do not have to have elaborate justifications for your decision. Keep your little one close. She is too young to stick up for herself.

I would allow my daughter to go off with her dad to exotic vacations land and I wish now that I had not. I thought I might be depriving her of a lovely experience. She ended up thinking that I did not want her for vacations. I just could not afford them.
Claim your mighty place as your child's mom. Your instincts are telling you loud and clear what to do.

I hear you trying to placate people who are not respecting your boundary about your child. She is  a bit young to be away from mom. She will understand a separation in a few years.

This is just my opinion. The opinion that really counts is yours, dear bear with me, so walk don't wobble.

Much love,
Sea storm

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