my mistakes are all benign to others - they've been all about my low self esteem, so I don't understand why the world has been so cruel
Ales, I hear you. And one could wish life were logical enough to include fairness, and that some microscope in the sky were measuring your degree of benign vs. negative traits and doling out relative suffering or reward. I don't think it's so.
One of the toughest things in my life has been to separate out my true religious belief in every person's inherent worth, and any fantasy that the world will consistently reward goodness over badness. It just doesn't. I think sometimes fine or at least benign people have luck or could be gifted with "right choice" (or more likely "right attitude") radar, and so life may turn out well, but sometimes very fine/benign people are hurt by forces bigger than they are. Likewise, some malignant people have lives that turn out superficially well. Or even, how would I know, maybe some feel happy. Narcissists certainly are predisposed to glee, you should've seen my boss today...
It may not be just, but justice is an abstraction and though many humans labor at the ideal--vast areas of our total human experience don't get anywhere near the notion. (Women's rights, trafficking, racism, war.)
Likewise, justice is an ideal, not often a practical fact. That's why religions offer it in a hereafter, because observing human culture, it's clear it can't be reliably counted on here. (Yet but for those who spill their blood trying to achieve it, all the rest of us would be in chains, so bless them, their fights aren't wasted. So many people never even get a scrap of a chance at it.)
I think the other big challenge for me has been to grieve about reality, and then to befriend it. Once I embrace the hard fact that there's no forward motion in persistent self-pity (
not preaching, promise--I will soon be back on other threads WAILING when I need company for the hurts/disappointments) -- but when I do get tuned into reality again, then I get move past self-pity and more importantly, can hope again not to add up to envy or bitterness. (Those are worse than the losses and lacks.)
That bracing pep talk isn't because I get this consistently. I wobble off the track, stagger back on, chug ahead, derail, crash, wobble, start over. I think that's just the way it is.)
I hear your plaint and I am sorry. It does hurt.
But life is so enormous. I hope you'll feel yourself open up to the chance at meaningful happiness at whatever scale it can take for you.
(Nobody's else's measure will ever be real.)
hugs
Hops
